Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

School mum drama??

63 replies

Evans4061 · 22/07/2024 13:33

Sorry a long one and I already know what to do but I’m just perplexed at people’s behaviour!

A few weeks ago my DD 6 was involved in an incident at school where she allegedly pulled out another girls hair whilst playing a game. Another girl was involved too. We talked about it and she insisted she wasn’t being nasty etc but we still did the kindness chat and I reached out to the other parent of the girl (who was always quite friendly with me) to apologise and tell her we’d spoken about it.

Said parent wanted to discuss further so we met at school pick up. It was all very odd as she was clearly upset and the incident was made out to be a much bigger deal than I was told by school. I explained that school hadn’t communicated this to me when we had spoken so I said I’ll go in to see the class teacher to clarify.
As expected there are no concerns and it’s been dealt with so I again messaged the mum and told her and again apologised. She seemed fine and said thank you etc and hopefully we can move on. Very dramatic but I kind of get it…

Since then this mum has gone out of her way to ignore me- walking away on the playground at pick up to avoid me and at a class party this week I went over to say hi- I don’t do awkward or hold on to things. She clearly didn’t want to speak to me and swiftly picked up her drink and moved away!
I just find the whole thing bizarre?! I am not bothered by it but we have another 5 school years where our paths will undoubtedly cross and like I said I don’t do awkward- it’s too much hassle! I won’t be approaching her again as it’s getting embarrassing now and I know it’s probably a ‘her’ problem and could be nothing to do with me. Just find it so bizarre. I don’t have the time or energy to be actively avoiding anyone. Thoughts people?
Thanks in advance

(Edit added by MNHQ at request of OP)
'pulled hair out' means took bobbles out not ripped actual hair- I think it's a regional saying that hasn't translated well. Also daughter tells me she asked to take friends hair out in a game they were playing.

OP posts:
Sweets235 · 26/07/2024 20:21

The replies to this post ( mostly) are exactly why girls / women turn out like they do. Your daughter is 5 she made a mistake in a game and now a grown adult isn't taking to you! You are right to think this is not the right way to deal with this situation. We all should teach our children to be accountable for their mistakes apologise and move forward not harbour a grudge when you have gone out of your way to apologise and so has your child. Children replicate adult behaviour. For this mum to now ignore you shows her daughter that even if someone has been accountable and apologised it's not good enough! And it should be more than enough. My advice to you as your child is only 5 ( reception or year 1 ) filter out the mums that aren't 'like you' find mum friends that are like you. I would also add well done for apologising on behalf of your daughter as sometimes you hear nothing from parents when their child has been nasty or made a mistake at school.

BB088 · 26/07/2024 21:49

Evans4061 · 22/07/2024 15:23

Wow quite a lot of response on this.
some answers to the questions-

  1. My DD was playing a game and asked friend if she could take her hair out. DD says her friend agreed. She then removed her bobbles and ruffled her hair to practise a hairstyle. I’ve been over this with her several times and have taken it very seriously. The amount of times I’ve asked her to tell me exactly what happened is insane.
  2. Another child had then run off with bobbles and hid them- this is unkind. Hence the kindness chat. I am mortified with my DD involvement and made this clear to mum on several occasions.
  3. no ripping or pulling at all.
  4. asked mum if child was ok and she said she was and wasn’t distressed.
  5. I specifically asked the teacher if my DD was malicious as this was communicated to other parent. Maybe they meant other child not my DD???
  6. I am a primary school teacher and take things very seriously as I do in my job.
  7. not minimising incident or mums reaction just thought things had been resolved and was confused about ongoing awkwardness
  8. ill prob stay clear and not ‘force myself’ on anyone no problem

I figured that it was pulled her hair out of a bobble not psychically pulled a child’s hair out from the scalp, that would be quite some doing for a 5 year old! It’s madness that conclusions were jumped to, to that extent!

I think you’ve done everything you can, the kids are still learning about things when playing and it really doesn’t sound malicious, especially given that the teacher said the same and they would tell you if it was. I’d just leave the other Mum to it now, you’ve already done the right thing and I would have been so thankful if a parent had done that when my child was hurt at school by another and even though she didn’t I still wouldn’t ignore or move away from her at a party or anything.

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2024 06:14

CosyLemur · 26/07/2024 00:50

Your daughter was horrible to her daughter by pulling her hair out and you had "a kindness chat" I'd be avoiding you as well and I'd be keeping my daughter away from yours.

Pulling hair as in taking bobbles out. And the other child said she could.

Doglover321 · 27/07/2024 10:57

By pulling out hair, what do you mean? Removing hair bobbles, or physically pulling hair out?

They are both only 6, still learning dos and don’ts, and you’ve had kindness chats with DD and apologised to the mum. You can’t do any more than this! Also, if it wasn’t to be spiteful and only done as part of a game, it really isn’t that bad. Young children are rough in their play

Roboticleg · 27/07/2024 21:13

When i was in primary i always greeted my friend my running and jumping on him, i was extremely happy to see him and it just became a thing. I got pulled out of class by the extremely confused head teacher to explain what was happening. I apologised and that should have been the end of it, i was still friends with him just didnt jump on him.

then his mum started yelling at me from across the road on my way home from school. This dragged my mum in and our friendship was ruined because of his mum, i couldnt be friends and risk a bigger incident so just had to ignore him.

mums suck :p (i say jokingly on mumsnet)

AgileMentor · 28/07/2024 08:09

This isn’t school mum drama. I wouldn’t particularly want to talk to you either. Your child and another pulled another girls hair out! That would have been painful! Not to mention the fact it was 2 against 1 and then made it about yourself.

LBFseBrom · 28/07/2024 08:15

AgileMentor, the op explained that no hair was pulled out. The girl's hair bob wat.s pulled off. The title of the thread was extremely misleading, I initially thought hair had actually been torn out of the scalp, but that was not the case.

It wasn't nice but was hardly an assault. Kids often get over-excited while playing.

When I was little we used to have hair ribbons tied in a bow :-). I frequently came home from school without mine (it didn't bother me because I hated them).

jugglesandspins · 28/07/2024 23:32

My DD also 6 was pushed deliberately in the playground by another girl and hit her head on the playground. We had had a lot of low level stuff until this incident.

I distanced myself from the other girls mum as why would I be friendly with my daughter’s bully?! By being friendly it was also minimising the impact it had had on DD who was very upset.

hazyjo · 29/07/2024 10:26

I'd amend your original post as it's not clear at all and you'll spend the next dozen pages repeating yourself! 🙈 Also thought the girl's hair had literally been pulled out.

AmusedLilacBalonz · 29/07/2024 16:15

Are there other possible sensitivities here? Does the little girl have Afro hair? It’s literally the only thing I can think of that would lead to your child’s actions being taken this seriously - is if it was perceived as a micro aggression. Just trying to understand why a parent would be so upset at their daughters hair being touched/taken out of its style and why the ‘kindness chat’ might not feel like enough and also why the school isn’t perceiving the seriousness of the event at the same level as the mum. It just seems like there are vastly different takes on the same incident and I wonder if cultural difference could be a factor

BeLoyalCoralHiker · 29/07/2024 23:31

This doesn’t sound like bullying at all, it sounds like a minor incident and there will be many more through the course of primary school. My son got a black eye, a nosebleed, and pushed into a lake, he was still friends with all the kids after!

no, minimising and invalidating your child is not ok. But neither is not helping them to navigate these situations which are a normal part of being a child at primary school. My older son had a girl in his class whose mum was forever accusing other girls of bullying her, upsetting her, excluding her. The reality was a lot of them were avoiding her in the end as every minor thing would get escalated - eg a book bag taken in error was a theft - and they were being told by their parents to stay away from her! Really upsetting all round

TrioG · 30/07/2024 01:01

Evans4061 · 22/07/2024 13:33

Sorry a long one and I already know what to do but I’m just perplexed at people’s behaviour!

A few weeks ago my DD 6 was involved in an incident at school where she allegedly pulled out another girls hair whilst playing a game. Another girl was involved too. We talked about it and she insisted she wasn’t being nasty etc but we still did the kindness chat and I reached out to the other parent of the girl (who was always quite friendly with me) to apologise and tell her we’d spoken about it.

Said parent wanted to discuss further so we met at school pick up. It was all very odd as she was clearly upset and the incident was made out to be a much bigger deal than I was told by school. I explained that school hadn’t communicated this to me when we had spoken so I said I’ll go in to see the class teacher to clarify.
As expected there are no concerns and it’s been dealt with so I again messaged the mum and told her and again apologised. She seemed fine and said thank you etc and hopefully we can move on. Very dramatic but I kind of get it…

Since then this mum has gone out of her way to ignore me- walking away on the playground at pick up to avoid me and at a class party this week I went over to say hi- I don’t do awkward or hold on to things. She clearly didn’t want to speak to me and swiftly picked up her drink and moved away!
I just find the whole thing bizarre?! I am not bothered by it but we have another 5 school years where our paths will undoubtedly cross and like I said I don’t do awkward- it’s too much hassle! I won’t be approaching her again as it’s getting embarrassing now and I know it’s probably a ‘her’ problem and could be nothing to do with me. Just find it so bizarre. I don’t have the time or energy to be actively avoiding anyone. Thoughts people?
Thanks in advance

(Edit added by MNHQ at request of OP)
'pulled hair out' means took bobbles out not ripped actual hair- I think it's a regional saying that hasn't translated well. Also daughter tells me she asked to take friends hair out in a game they were playing.

As one of the other contributors stated earlier,
these are 5 year old children who are learning and who need measured mature adults
to show mistakes happen and an apology should be enough. No cards, no presenfs
a heartfelt apology should suffice. My daughter has had failings out with her friends during her primary school years and luckily enough I could approach the parents and we resolved things in mature manor and we arranged for the children to meet outside of school to allow apologies to be given and to be accepted.

if school thought it wasn’t a problem then it wasn’t a problem, in my experience primary schools
are extremely vigilant with fall outs and manage them

TrioG · 30/07/2024 01:03

well, seeing the bigger picture.

i think both you and your daughter have done enough and I would now give this parent a wide berth she clearly has her own issues.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread