Is DD spoiled?

[Ginspirational]

We have a 2 year old DD and quite a lot of family members have said she’s spoiled recently.

Financially we are comfortable, so she has nice things such as a big climbing frame in the garden, annual passes to the our local farm and soft play, a few UK holiday breaks per year and some expensive toys but she LOVES all of these things, I see her getting so much enjoyment out of them.

DH and I both work full time so when we are with her we are often out doing things, getting little treats like a cake etc, or going out for the day/out for dinner. We very rarely stay home and recently I’ve had comments such as ‘oh DD is so spoiled, she wants for nothing’.

But we don’t buy her toys for the sake of it, if we are out and she asks for something, 90% of the time we say no and she moves on, but if she’s been a little angel that day sometimes we do cave and get her the bubble wand... The comments are starting to get to me though, I thought we were just giving her a nice life but should we do less?

Sounds fine to me and some jealousy from family

Do whatever feels right for your family. It’s no one else’s business

she sounds lucky

Being spoilt is not about how much money you spend on them or how much stuff they have it is their attitude. Does she throw a tantrum if you say she can't have something or do somwthing? Do you give her everything she wants everytime? Does she interrupt adults talking and gets away with it? Does she share with others?

Spending money on young children isn’t spoiling them. A spoiled child is one who demands whatever they want and has parents who never say no or set boundaries.

She might end up materialistic rather than spoilt.
Imagine if all the children in the world had what she had, the environment would be fucked.

Spoiled is an attitude, it's not measured in an amount of toys or trips to soft play.

It sounds like you're providing her with a wonderful childhood. Your family sound awful.

My son has a swing set, beautiful toys, and we go on lots of trips. If anyone dared tell me he was spoiled I would be letting them know exactly what I think of them.

If she's grateful, respectful and well mannered and doesn't throw a strop is she hears the word no then I don't see a problem.

Who is saying she's spoiled? If she accepts no means no than she isn't spoiled.

We definitely have boundaries. She knows when we say no, that means no. No amount of whining/tantrums will change that. So now if she asks for something and we say no DD not this time, she puts it back and carries on. So she doesn’t get what she asks for all the time.

But today my 10 year old neice said it, because I had taken them both out for the day and bought them dinner, she said ‘DD is so spoiled, I can’t believe every weekend is like this for her’, and it made me think maybe we do too much.

I think every child is called "spoilt" by other family members at some point tbh. It often starts when they start asking for things and pushing boundaries at around 2. It's normal, but people forget they went through the same with their children.

As long as you're teaching your child acceptable boundaries and behaviour, then ignore. It's all a learning curve for them

I wouldn't worry about a 10 year old saying it. I think in that comment you could change spoilt for lucky.

If it's based on her behaviour, they may have a point (but two is very young for goodness sake!).

If it's based on what you give her, it sounds like sheer jealousy and sour grapes.

It's possible to have material things as a child and not be spoiled. I imagine, say Princess Charlotte, isn't a spoiled child. She comes across as warm, polite, very well behaved. If I heard anyone saying she was spoiled I'd suspect it said far more about them than her.

I'd call them out on it.

"Spoiled? What makes you say that?"

"Oh...because she has lots of toys...I thought you were referring to her behaviour for some reason. I'd agree she's relatively privileged but please don't call her spoiled. That's a really unpleasant label."

It sounds like your family's clumsy way of saying your DD has a lovely childhood. I think a two year old is very hard to spoil as developmentally they don't understand entitlement or indulgence. Do others in your family have tighter budgets? Maybe they're jealous...or spoiled themselves

Yes @Littletreefrog that’s how I took her comment today, but I know that my mum uses the term spoiled a lot for her. However my mum couldn’t do those things for us growing up, so maybe that’s just how she views it.

DH said today that a trip to the farm would’ve been a huge treat for him as a kid, and worries that being given these things as standard takes the shine off of ‘special days’. I said as long as she is well mannered and grateful I don’t mind.

Yes our siblings aren’t as financially comfortable as us, and we do treat nieces and nephews to days out with DD (mainly because she loves the company of other children and she’s an only!) but now I can see that maybe it makes them feel a bit crap if they can’t give them that.

So you took your niece out and instead of her being happy about it she ran her mouth?
Someone’s not raised well in your family and it’s not your daughter…

It's only natural that you want to spend your weekends doing nice things with your little one if you both work full time. A two year old is just as happy with a walk in the woods, splashing in puddles and pottering about - the whole world is an adventure when you're two! I don't think you're spoiling her, but if she has a lot of treats and days/meals out this will be the norm for her and won't necessarily feel like a treat.

You say no sometimes, so not spoiled to me, sounds like she's having a lovely childhood.

This.

I have a membership to a local farm (it has a soft play) for mine also - it made sense financially. If for example we were to go there 4 times in a year - it would cost the same - and it is local so why not visit whenever no other plans.

To me that side of it isn't spoilt I think quite a lot of people have that.

My child also has a lot of toys! If I'm honest I didn't buy most of them, most were bought by family/friends etc for birthdays or Christmas etc. But I have had comments a couple of times that he is spoilt in regards to the toys. Not really in a nasty way just 'WOW look how many toys you have, you are spoilt rotten!' Kind of thing... I just ignore it, I like rotating toys so I probably don't get rid of ones as often as others do - we have storage space, so I don't really see the harm in there being quite a lot stored

To me spoilt would be throwing a tantrum if they don't get an ice cream you say no to, then the parents getting it to stop the tantrum. A parent taking them out to a soft play/other and the child having a meltdown because they don't get to go to the arcade after so the parents give in. Lots of 'I want I want I want' language and being bought the stuff they are demanding etc

In my vocab, as in yours, spoilt is pejorative and implies the child is badly behaved. It does sound as if some members of your family use it instead of the words lucky, or privileged, though (including that 10 year old).

I agree with this, she doesn't sound spoiled but it's fair enough not to do stuff that costs money with her all the time so it's not totally normalised, if only so she knows how to budget and what treats are?

@Ginspirational

No, you're not spoiling her, you're just doing nice things. Enjoying your time together.

i would use the term 'lucky' myself, but some would say spoilt. Just change it inside your head and mirror their words, changing out lucky!

'Yes DD is lucky, we enjoy going out for the day/for lunch/the park/whatever 😊

If anyone is calling her spoilt (as opposed to say she is being spoilt by you) then ask them what about her behaviour makes them say that?!

A few family members used to say our kids were 'spoiled' and got too much. Despite having lovely manners and appreciating everything they got, we would regularly get warnings that our kids would end up being 'brats'. These comments mainly came from our parents and a couple of siblings who were very mean with their children, financially and emotionally. We just carried on and ignored them.

Our kids are now adults and teens and none of them have ever been even slightly a brat. They're all really lovely and are very close to us and each other, which is more than I can say for the family that criticised us.