Is DD spoiled?

[Ginspirational]

We have a 2 year old DD and quite a lot of family members have said she’s spoiled recently.

Financially we are comfortable, so she has nice things such as a big climbing frame in the garden, annual passes to the our local farm and soft play, a few UK holiday breaks per year and some expensive toys but she LOVES all of these things, I see her getting so much enjoyment out of them.

DH and I both work full time so when we are with her we are often out doing things, getting little treats like a cake etc, or going out for the day/out for dinner. We very rarely stay home and recently I’ve had comments such as ‘oh DD is so spoiled, she wants for nothing’.

But we don’t buy her toys for the sake of it, if we are out and she asks for something, 90% of the time we say no and she moves on, but if she’s been a little angel that day sometimes we do cave and get her the bubble wand... The comments are starting to get to me though, I thought we were just giving her a nice life but should we do less?

I agree it's about the attitude you instill in her, not the stuff. I was told I was spoilt as a child by extended family and I came to believe it. Looking back though, I don't think I was. My parents hadn't had much growing up, but could afford a different life for me. I had some expensive things and went on lovely holidays. But I didn't get things constantly and appreciated what I had.
The only thing I was reflecting on from your post is that you may be compensating too much for both working, and your dd may enjoy chilling at home with you just as much as going out for treats.

To me being spoiled is being given excessive gifts etc and never being told no. Experiences like petting farms aren't spoiling her, it's up to you how you spend your money.
It's probably a bit of jealousy from family members

That niece, (at 10 she should know better) needs to learn to watch her mouth, and maybe OP could help her by not taking her out any more?

Simply buying nice things for her won't make her spoiled.

However, if every weekend's activities revolve around her and are things that she enjoys, as opposed to having to join in general family activities that she maybe doesn't enjoy as much, then you are in danger of her growing up with the impression that the world revolves around her and the idea that her desires are more important than other peoples.

Spoilt means someone who doesn't appreciate the things they have, acts rudely and still expects to get their own way, won't share or take no for an answer etc.
Your child is none of those things. Im an only child and some sour and jealous people occasionally tried to use it as an insult about me to try and belittle my mum. I adored all the lovely things I had as a kid, I was very lucky to have parents who had enough money and a mum who could spend so much time with me as she didn't have to work.
You should like a lovely parent and your child sounds happy. Spoilt is not what she sounds like she is at all.

Is she a good child well behaved ? Just wondering what others have seen to make those remarks. I've seen family members children be told not to do something and the child will purposely in view of the parents do it anyway and instead of correcting them again and making sure they do what they are told they just let them away with it and ignore it. that to me is spoiled not buying them things. I think a bold child that doesn't listen or is let away with being bold would be my definition of being spoiled

"wanting for nothing" is not spoilt

No - you are living a nice life. My dc have travelled the world and have had amazing experiences because we can afford it. They appreciate they are fortunate that we have and choose to spend our money this way.

Agree with pp. She is lucky not spoiled If she behaves well, can take a No and isn't grabby then she isn't spoiled.

These days out and having fun is more for you than your child. You have worked hard and now have a child, enjoy it. No one dreams that one day they will be a mum and just exist. Your not caving buying them a bubble wand, if they're been good then rewarding them is awesome and it feels awesome to make them happy.

You can never spend too much time with your DD and you can never do too much in terms of outings as long as you, DH and DD are happy.

It sounds like your niece would like to have DD's weekends.

It also sounds like DD is having a lovely childhood.

I wouldn't say taking your dd out is spoiling her. It's just enjoying time together.

She has lots because you can afford it.

I'd just be careful of not overloading her with toys so she doesn't appreciate them. And of course not giving her everything she asks for.

I'd be annoyed with your families attitude though. Obviously they are feeding down to their children that your child is spoilt. I'd have to say something.

In the NE I've heard the term 'ruined' used instead of spoilt. Provided your child is grateful, not demanding and cheerful about what she's given, she's not ruined. She's learning to be thankful when given stuff and to manage disappointment when not. As someone said, she's just a bit more privileged that others as will always be the way in society.

The bonus of having only one child means you can provide for them well. It's far cheap for one adult and child to go on an excursion.
Your family is envious and your DNeice is repeating what she has heard.

DD is a teen, we go to the theatre and out for a meal to eat regularly, at least once a month often more (we've been 4 times this fortnight alone). For me growing up we never went for meals out and the theatre was reserved for Pantos at Christmas. But I am financially better off than my parents were. DD knows it's not 'normal' and will probably get a shock if she wants to continue as an adult but we enjoy it together. She never demands anything though and always has a great attitude.

If she asks for something, generally I buy it for her as she asks for things rarely. But she isn't materialistic on the slightest, happy with a Nokia smart phone, prefers charity shop shopping and has never asked for branded clothes as views them as pointless and overpriced.

Going on regular days out might take the 'shine' off something being special, but they are good for development and surely means that the whole childhood is 'special'. You may also be bored of them by the time she gets older. Having down time is also important.

Unless secretly you are one of those influencers that go to nice places just to get their content, turn the whole thing into a stressful situation then pack up and go home.

Spoilt: ungrateful, rude, demanding. Throws tantrums/sulks when not given something they demand, and keeps up the poor behaviour because Mum and Dad invariably give in. Later becomes an entitled, irritating adult.

Lucky/privileged: lots of toys and holidays and treats.

Envious: Labelling a lucky child as spoilt.

By calling your dd spoilt in front of other children in the family, the adults are creating envious behaviour. Your niece could have been told: have fun, say thank you, enjoy your day out. Instead she is getting a steady input of 'dd is ungrateful and entitled'.

It is good for parents to explain that the world is not fair and some people have more than others and that this is very often not deserved in any way. It's a hard lesson. Envy is a fair response to inequality. But it's not a fun emotion and can ruin otherwise nice experiences. And distort perception.

Being spoilt is not about having "stuff" and going out etc it's about how they treat those items and how they appreciate what they have.

If she gets older and she does not respect her things and she is unappreciative or expecting of the nice things she has - I would then say she was spoilt.

Our DS has lots of nice things, we have lovely days out and holidays - but he always says thank you (and means it) he never expects or demands anything - he also acknowledges how lucky he is - but he is nearly 7 😁 -
Just keep her looking after her things and teaching her to appreciate nice things.

I know sometimes my mum has said my little boy is spoilt but hasn’t meant it in a “he’ll be a brat” way, it was more of a “you’re such a lucky kid”.
If someone said to me my child seems to want for nothing, then I take that as a compliment. You sound like you’re all enjoying yourselves, we do the same with our 18 month old as he is so much easier to handle outside the house.

I think there’s a balance to be had. It’s typical now that many children have special days out and meals as a run of the mill experience at a weekend, compared to many of us who went to these things as a treat . I think half the time it’s for the parents as much as the children, going to a nice farm with lovely snacks, coffee for adults and a pleasant environment with a meal afterwards (and a meal
for a 2 year old is surely more for the parents than the child, nothing wrong with that) is so much more enjoyable than standing in a park, going for a walk and taking a picnic.

I personally think children need a balance because what’s normal to them means it won’t be seen as special and it’ll be a hard pattern to get out of when she’s older.

Having time playing in the house or going to a park, going for a walk might not be exciting but young children children get so much of it. Social media tells us that young children need to go to these expensive places but they don’t and allowing them to discover what interests them is important.

I would add that as a reception teacher I find that children see playing in the mud, making potions, jumping in puddles, painting and making models to be exciting because they don’t necessarily do things like that at home. I feel like the enjoyment of playing, being bored and making your own entertainment is being lost.

I think it’s also important children learn to appreciate what they have and that’s hard to do if their normal is going on lots of days out. I’m sure I’m out of step with everyone else as many of my friends and siblings do the same as you OP.

This is spot on! The problem here is with your family. Your mum keeps saying “spoilt” and presumably your siblings and niece and niece have picked up on it. And, from what you’ve said, and assuming they don’t think your DD is bratty and they’re just a bit jealous of your lifestyle. But it’s not nice.

Remember that “spoilt child” is one of those phrases that can mean different things depending on context. A bit like “can’t afford”. “We can’t afford to go to the theatre” may mean that someone is on a low income and is massively struggling with living expenses, such that spending £200 on a day out would be totally out of their reach. Of it might mean “we’ve booked three expensive holidays this year and are getting our kitchen done, so that’s not a spending priority at the moment.” And “spoilt” can be like that. It can mean “Verruca Salt” or it can mean “fortunate, privileged child”. But if they mean the second, the implication of the first is horrible. I would tackle it head on. First of all - tell your family to stop it. Tell them you don’t like it and you resent the implication of it. And if they don’t stop, you have every right to be upset/see a lot less of them/stop the treats for others.

I know a lot depends on tone, so op would know better than us, but i didn't take nieces comments as her running her mouth and something she needs punishing for, but more than she's expressed the inequality between them inelegantly, mirroring the language of the adults around her. Kids don't necessarily see "spoilt" in the same negative way adults do. Adults use it as an insult but for kids it can be more of a "wow, she's so lucky" which ties in with the "like this every weekend" comment.

Are the comments said maliciously? Im not particularly close to alot of my family members except my nan, she comes over once a week for lunch, and says i spoil her and says i spoil the kids every time i buy them something new or go out for the day but its not said in a way that makes me think i have spoilt children or a spoilt nan 😂 “spoiling” your child and having a spoilt child are 2 different things, my kids ‘want for nothing’ but only because they have the patience to wait till Christmas or birthdays for the things they want, for example my daughter 9 has wanted a new xbox (hers is running slow and crashes randomly) since beginning of this year- a spoilt child would demand a new xbox there n then, she just said mum i think i need a new xbox mine doesn’t work very well and that was the last i heard of it- she got a new xbox 6 months later for her birthday xx

if we are out and she asks for something, 90% of the time we say no and she moves on

This is key.

‘spoiled’ is demanding, tantrumming and always getting her own way when you have said no, and then you give in.

Spoiled is having a tantrum aged 7 because her Christmas present doesn’t meet expectations .

Spoiled is not saying thank you or being appreciative , once of an age to feel these things.

Spoiled doesn’t have to mean money and cost, spoiled is having a tantrum and sulk until everyone agrees to go to the park she likes rather than the planned park that her cousin likes.

Enjoy your weekends with her , great opportunity to teach manners and that life goes on even when told no. Why deny yourselves fun together?

And ignore jealous pursed-lipped judgey relatives

Think entitled rather than spoilt - be careful you don’t create a sense of entitlement to certain things

also be wary of creating the good girl reward with things

She’s not spoilt she’s just a lucky little girl.

I treat my DD the same, we live a nice life and I want to give her an amazing childhood, so we do eat out a lot, go on lots of day trips, mini breaks, nice holidays, any clubs/hobbies she wants, get new toys as rewards etc. But she is an absolute angel, I rarely have to tell her off, she got a glowing school report so although she may be spoilt she doesn’t act spoilt.

Me and DH work hard to live the life we do, and also this is one of the reason why we decided to have only one child so we could give her everything she wants.