At what point, do you get to have your own family traditions for Christmas etc

[offsidecrown1224]

Every Christmas is dominated by visiting my parents and my husband’s parents coming to stay. As of yet, we haven’t had a Christmas Day for just us as a little family.

Is it sort of expected that this continues until both sets of parents pass away, or at some point do we get to be more independent and have our own Christmas Day?

I’m particularly concerned now as my parents recently chose to move 4.5 hours drive away (and I’ll have a baby and toddler to take on that drive - which’ll end up being much longer than 4.5 hours). It would mean a great chunk of Christmas (my husband gets 1.5 weeks off - construction worker) is spent travelling or having people stay.

Feeling exhausted thinking about it. Possibly I’m being grumpy because of pregnancy hormones!

We set expectations as soon as we got pregnant. From the Xmas before DD was born, anyone could come to us, but we wouldn't be at anyone else's house at Xmas.

It's been 16yrs of hosting and I'm over it now, but it worked when the children were little for FC etc. No one came until Xmas late morning and left the morning after boxing day.

This year we are stopping. Can't go away ever as DS is autistic and won't travel. But I'm saying that we aren't doing Xmas at all. Phew!

We do year on year off!! And then sometimes in between we go on holiday instead!

Christmas in ski resorts is lovely also. If you stay in a hotel it will be catered for the Christmas season and all the other children doing the same thing.

Even if you rent a self catered place. Hosts will usually decorate for you, and you eat out every lunchtime at mountain huts so can eat simple in evening.

It depends on family. If yours like cooking together , bake ginger cookies with kids and going out for winter walk or take kids for swim etc over Xmas it’s ok. If it’s more everyone crammed into room, with just one person stuck cooking and others just drinking and not helping entertain kids then what’s the point.

We told family that once DS1 turned 3 we would be staying home from then on. MIL has an open invite, and we live in walking distance of DSIs so we tend to go there if MIL doesn't come. We travel to see family around the period, but on actual Christmas Day I want our children to wake up in their own house.

This is baffling to me. My husband and I have spent Christmas Day ourselves since before we had children. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are spent with each side of the family.

Now we have a child, of course we spend Christmas Day in our own home with just us. We still see my family on Christmas Eve and his on Boxing Day.

I spent my first son's first two Christmases with my mum, and by the third I knew it was time to start our own traditions and stay home. It was bittersweet in many ways but the relief of not having to go anywhere and being able to do things the way we wanted to was immense

For us it changed when we had kids but my parents were obvs different to yours. My mother said kids will want to be at home playing with their own toys and she was right. Qe did make it a tradition to get the kids in their nice clothes and take them to parents after breakfast for an hour to exchange presents but then it was back home to do our own food etc while kids played. As they got older and mam was widowed she started to come to the kids for Christmas...Mostly mine in her later years. Now its full circle. 2 of my kids have just moved out and we normally do the pj thing on Christmas eve wirh a Chinese takeaway. We will have to decide what we are doing as I'm aware they will potentially want a first Christmas in their new homes. I would expect to see them that day for half an hour or so but would not expect them here all day...that being said we all live a 10 minute walk from each other...

OP, My siblings keep saying that they won’t be around for much longer and I should make the effort,

Your dc childhood won't be around for much longer either so you absolutely should be prioritising them and creating memories for them at Christmas.

My DH and I both have divorced parents so potentially 4 options for Christmas before we start thinking about ourselves. Early on in our relationship we decided to establish a tradition of a pre-Christmas Christmas. We call it Swissmas (we’re expats living in Switzerland). Anyone we’re not seeing at Christmas is invited to ours for the weekend when the Christmas market is on in our village. We always have chili con carne on the Friday night, full turkey Christmas dinner on Saturday, Glühwein at the market and home for Ris alamande (DH is Danish) before dancing round the tree and presents. We usually end up with my parents (travel together even though divorced) DMIL and her husband and DSIL with her husband and two kids. It’s a house full but is a great start to the Christmas period and means no one feels left out. It gives us the freedom to then organize Christmas however we feel, usually a mix between Denmark and at home.
But my main advice would be to retake the control. Your sisters don’t get to decide if you’re hosting. You decide if you’re hosing and who (if anyone) you’re inviting. And you might find it easier with 3 small children to have some extra adults in the house…

When you decide to put your own family first! We now have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve because my husband wanted to be free to play with DS on Christmas Day. We have gammon & chips with snickers ice-cream for tea on Christmas Day (we had it the first time and I loved it so it's exactly that now forever more!). We are able to have family and friends to join us on Xmas eve when they are with their own families on Xmas day (it's a blended family!). And most of the time, we stay in our own home ❤️

We stopped travelling as soon as we had our own children.
(And before that, DH and I were together at Christmas as soon as we were together. I am amazed when I read about couples going separately to their own parents for Christmas day.)

I reckon the point has arrived. If parents are 4.5 hrs away they shouldn’t expect you to travel.

Does DH want a Xmas day at home?

Smile and do as you like. Why do your siblings get to control whether you host though? Will they be calling the shots if your parents need help in the future?

So just say no!
We started our own from the first year. We hosted. My parents came. His parents were divorced and remarried so we went to theirs for one big gathering (with both sets and all siblings) for half a day at one point during the week until it got too big.
No way would we be travelling.

I still go to my mums most years, they have been to me when I was married with a big house (too far for the day) but mostly we go to hers, 12 of us last year.

This year my dc and partners are going to other places so I'm thinking of asking them to mine, I only have space for 3 lots of guests

I think lt would be such a shame to only have a small 3/4 person Christmas, that doesn't sound like Christmas. The kids even ar 1 and 2, loooove being around their cousins. Crazy, chaotic, family madness = Christmas.

We have my family 2hrs away and partners in france, so are away 8/9 days in total between the two families. And my parents arent even alive. I'd like Christmas to be at home one year, but definitely not just the 4 of us, so that will never be.

@climbershell - how bizarre. Of course you can have Christmas without loads of people. Ds doesn’t have cousins or siblings, we have very little family who live in different countries. Doesn’t mean we don’t have Christmas

Well I travel to my children on Christmas Day these days. I used to host some years, but my house that I'm in now isn't big enough. I would never have expected them to drive for hours with small children.
You need to out your foot down.

Or tell them you're going away for Xmas, but stay home.........

How old are they if you have a young family, that they won't be around much longer?!

Use this year that you can't travel to change the status quo.

OP prioritise your kids. Your parents are adults who can make their own choices, it's time you made yours. Christmas is a small part of the year, you can visit any other time.

Oh, definitely stop now, 4.5hr round trip sounds horrendous 😲

All families are different.

My own mum found it a horrible chore and would simply open several tins of veg and trimmings.
I think one year she even had the Turkey in a tin with a cream sauce 😬
We were glad to take over, or do our own thing.

Relief all round.

4 adults and 2 children in a 1 bedroom flat! I'm sorry but not believing in hotels isn't an option.

OP you say to your parents - sorry mum and dad the journey is now too far with 2 children. We'll phone you all on Christmas Day but won't be travelling this year. We'll aim to visit another time.

You say to your inlaws - You are welcome to visit for a few days but with 2 children now there is no room to stay in the flat. Here are some local hotels. Let me know if you're booking one or whether you've decided not to travel this Christmas.

Alternatively the hotfooting it on holiday sounds a good choice too.

We always travelled until we had children. We weren't prepared to travel with small children and mountains of presents. We do therefore host each year as family do choose to come to us for a short stay. I'm happy hosting though as I get to do everything in the way I want it done.

You've bought Christmas at home for as long as you want, you've got two kids in a one bed flat. You need to save on the travel costs to get an extra bedroom! Let them argue with that one.

Edit: you might have to forget to tell them when you move obviously hahaha!

The best thing is to start how you mean to go on. We have always stayed at home at Christmas just me hubby and kids. We do it every year.