At what point, do you get to have your own family traditions for Christmas etc

[offsidecrown1224]

Every Christmas is dominated by visiting my parents and my husband’s parents coming to stay. As of yet, we haven’t had a Christmas Day for just us as a little family.

Is it sort of expected that this continues until both sets of parents pass away, or at some point do we get to be more independent and have our own Christmas Day?

I’m particularly concerned now as my parents recently chose to move 4.5 hours drive away (and I’ll have a baby and toddler to take on that drive - which’ll end up being much longer than 4.5 hours). It would mean a great chunk of Christmas (my husband gets 1.5 weeks off - construction worker) is spent travelling or having people stay.

Feeling exhausted thinking about it. Possibly I’m being grumpy because of pregnancy hormones!

Just stop now and stay at home with your DCs. Christmas is about them. Not trailing about the country feeling stressed and like you’re pleasing no one.

I would tell your families now so they can get used to the idea. Invite them to visit you either for Christmas Day or Boxing Day. And have a lovely time!

I think you decide enough is enough - for dh and I it was when we got married (we went skiing over Christmas to break the habit of whose turn it was!!) then 2 years later when we had kids we decided Christmas Day would always be at home - family welcome to join us but otherwise we would visit before or after. You can decide at any point that it is changing - you just have to accept some people will be unhappy but priorities change

It seems so illogical to me, to ask the people with young children and babies to travel around. My parents sadly would not visit me, and my sisters refuse to let me host, so that’s why we’ve been travelling to them. I just want to be at home, cosy and happy with my little family.

its also a lesson to me, that when my children are grown up, ill never expect them to see me on Christmas Day, or travel with young children. I’ll hopefully tell them that they should enjoy the day for themselves and that we’ll do something festive when it suits them - and I’ll be the one to travel!

I think you have to decide what works for you and your family and go with that! Maybe spend some Christmases with each family and some just as your family unit if that's what you'd like. And get your parents to come to you so they are doing the driving, 4.5 hours in the car is a lot for a baby and it sounds like it's your parents who moved away from you.

Edit: sorry, cross post! Why do your sisters get to refuse to let you host? I think you do need to put your foot down and say you won't be travelling at Christmas (especially with a newborn) and if they want to see you they come to you (doesn't have to be on Christmas day).

I like the skiing holiday idea! My husband and I had this kind of daydream, of going on holiday every Christmas to stop the expectations, just hiding away in a log cabin with the kids. Next year I might try it. Luckily this year I’ll be 8 months pregnant and not travelling anywhere to see family.

For us, it happened when I had three preschoolers. My parents moved, making a longer drive to visit both families at the same time. I also started to want family Christmas in my own home, like I had as a child. We never went to visit anyone. Our mother's both had the idea that we would visit them forever. I didn't think it was fair to drag kids up and down the country when they should be enjoying playing and having fun on Christmas.

I started by suggesting a compromise option. How about we take turns hosting Christmas so we could all have Christmas in our homes occasionally? My mother didn't want that so suggested visiting us on Boxing Day instead, and that became our new tradition. My MIL just threw a fit and stopped involving us in Christmas at all. She wouldn't consider any other option than us coming to her. So we started having Christmas as a 'you know where we are, you're welcome to visit'. It was much better.

It’s odd that they moved away 4.5 hours - they’re more or less by themselves now. My siblings and I are all hours away. They won’t drive to me, so I have to drive to them. My siblings keep saying that they won’t be around for much longer and I should make the effort, except one sibling doesn’t have kids so can’t understand why a 4.5 hour car drive with a baby and toddler isn’t going to work (along with the non-baby proofed house, lack of baby cot, toddler bed etc.) and my other sibling has amnesia as her kids are 10-11, and thinks I should just suck it up.

I’m thinking of taking Christmas holidays out of the country from now on to avoid it all! I can see my family at other times of the year.

We started doing exactly that @offsidecrown1224 Going away for Christmas was lovely and totally took any pressure off!

I think the trick is to vary it each year. That way no one feels left out and you all get turns staying/travelling. When we decide we're staying at home we just say to our parents that that's what's happening and they're welcome to join us if they'd like to. I will want to be able to see my dd pretty regularly at Christmas in at least some way, so I wouldn't deprive my own or dh's parents of that. Grandparents aren't around forever and often children love seeing them at Christmas when they are young so it is nice to do that some years.

I should add too, that when my husband’s mother or father come to stay, it’s in our tiny 1 bed flat because they don’t believe in hotels in their culture. So it’s a horrible disruption for the toddler (and I’ll imagine it’ll be worse when we have a baby up at 4am etc.).

So start this year. Start now, say you will not be able to make the journey and so you will have Xmas at home with just you and your immediate family.

Or go away.

Or whatever?

People make their own traditions, there are no rules.

We stopped traditional Christmas then we moved abroad. No expectations to buy everything and see everyone.
It helps it’s a snowy Christmas here. We hear off for the day skiing, have goulash up a mountain hut with a mulled wine. Then a Turkey, Brie and cranberry sandwiches in evening for a bit of English tradition.

We still open some gifts, sometimes friends join us for ski or evening at ours.

I think this is the secret isn’t it? Holidays away and no one can complain. There’s 51 other weeks of the year to see my family. The presence of Christmas trees seems to make people go crazy about who visits who and putting extraordinary pressure on families with young children seems normal!

Or you just tell them you are staying home. They're welcome to join you if that's what you want. No need to go to the trouble of going away to avoid the conversation.

My parents would never drive to see me at Christmas, and my siblings won’t allow me to host either - I think going away is the best get out of jail.

when my in-laws visit, they want to stay in our tiny 1 bed flat, which disrupts the toddler, to no end. They culturally don’t believe in hotels (we’d be so happy to pay for a lovely hotel!).

That's up to you. Maybe it will work well for a year or two to break expectations.

I didn't find it problematic as I was just asking to sometimes mirror what my own parents' tradition was at Christmas when I was a child and didn't exclude them by issuing an open invitation. What they did with that was up to them.

Remember that it is okay for you to make your decision about this and set your own traditions, even if other people are upset or angry about it. You're not doing anything wrong.

We are doing our first ‘at home’ Christmas this year.

I think at a point it’s nicer for the children. They want to be playing with their new toys and chilling out, not sitting in some relatives house.

Also more relaxing for me as I won’t have to monitor them every second of the day.

We have done Christmas holidays before which is nice too, I might throw one of those in every few years. We spent Christmas a few years ago on the Costa del Sol which was lovely.

Your parents unfortunately made the choice to move so far away, but even if they didn't move, you are completely reasonable to stay home for Christmas. Especially since they are welcome to spend the day, you are not rejecting them. But it seems a burden for them all to sleep over in a tiny one bedroom. Being pregnant will buy you this coming year, having an infant and toddler next year, then begin holidaying away? Oh also alternating. Go to your sisters every other year or two, stay home sometimes, go away sometimes. Visit your parents when you're not pregnant, but stay in a hotel or B&B?

I think that’s one of the things too - the kids can’t relax, and I can’t relax because I have to watch them (my parents also have badly trained dogs I need to be aware of).

Christmas in the sun sounds fabulous!

While going away for Christmas resolves the issue for now, you might find your children want to stay at home when they’re a bit older. Christmas for them might not be as fun if they’re not at home- if you’re getting a new train for a gift, you want to be at home with your train set to play with it, for example.

Let your I laws stay at yours while you go to a hotel!

haha that’s exactly how I feel - being pregnant has bought me a year/a Christmas at home in peace. You’re right, it’ll be the perfect time to begin our own traditions and then start going away at Christmas.

I find Christmas so harrowing with young children - not at home but the travelling to see family who aren’t near by/staying in their houses with toddler (and soon to be baby). It’s a bit nightmarish, the kids don’t enjoy it either! My toddler repeats ‘go home, go home’ and gets upset when it doesn’t happen haha

Hahahaha I’ve told my DH this - if anyone comes to stay when we have two kids in our one bed flat. We’re going to an expensive hotel. I think he gets the message now.

Yes it’s tough.

I like my family and enjoy spending time with them - but my / my child’s needs and their environment / schedule are slightly at odds at present, and so I think at home will be better.

Last year everyone would surface shortly before nap time, and then stay up partying until the early hours. So we spent a lot of time drinking coffee and stopping the kids touching stuff in their house (on our own), followed by having to duck out of the party early because of the early wake up.

I don’t expect them to adapt to what suits me, but I don’t feel bad about saying for now we need to do something else.

And as you say - at least in your own house you aren’t having to say ‘no! Put that down! No touching!’ etc what feels like every thirty seconds.

Yes, it really is perfect timing to be far all in a pregnancy. Christmas can sure be nerve wracking! Even when everybody gets along.