6yo stealing football cards

[JumpinJellyfish]

My DS, recently turned 6, has been taking football cards from his friends at school
and on play dates and lying about it. I just don’t know what to do.

He has pocket money and has used this to buy his own cards so it’s not like he is deprived in any way.

At the weekend I actually saw that he had some in his pocket on a play date and asked him to leave them behind. His pockets looked empty when we were leaving and I foolishly didn’t check thoroughly, but when we got home he suddenly had a lot more cards. I asked him to give them all to me and we went back to his friend’s house to return them and apologise.

But then last night I found more of them and he admitted they were also from friend’s house, so he hadn’t given them
all back to me initially. I left them in my room overnight and he’s taken more of them back again this morning. (So essentially taking the same cards 3 times!)

I am so devastated about this. He knows that it is wrong (hence the lying) and we have explained why at length. I thought the shame of having to hand them over and apologise would be punishment enough but obviously not. I was so horrified to see that he had taken yet more this morning after our serious chat last night that I told him we would deal with it after school.

I keep reading that it shows some kind of unmet need or attachment disorder and that makes me feel even worse. His behaviour at school is excellent generally - academically great, lots of friends, regular behaviour awards - but he is often challenging at home. Very jealous of younger sibling (4yo girl) and just generally quite defiant.

I feel like this is a really important parenting moment that I need to get right but I don’t know how to handle it.

This might be too harsh but to me, I'd be saying to him well, you can't have football cards without stealing them from other people, so we are not buying, having or playing with football cards, DS.

Fully agree with this - this is a logical consequence to his actions. I think you're being a bit too nice here op, stealing should result in very strong disciplining.

Can you separately have a bit more 1-1 time with him, if you think he's jealous of his little sister?

Tell him he isn't allowed to play with his friends until he can be trusted not steal

Oh no, I’d be coming down pretty hard on this. Consequence outlined above re no more football cards is a good one. Don’t pussyfoot around with this sort of thing. It needs a strong and direct consequence.

I really gave him a very stern talk last night - told him how disappointed I was and how serious it was. I explained that people would not want to play with him
or invite him to their houses if they thought he might steal from them. I really thought it had sunk in and he even offered to buy more cards for the child. But then he took more this morning as if the chat hadn’t ever happened.

My initial instinct was to put an end to all the cards but then won’t that encourage him to take more, if all his friends hve them and he doesn’t? I hate these ridiculous cards.

He will end up with no friends.

Yeah thanks - I’ve told him this already.

I think he needs to understand what it would be like if someone did it to him, ask him how he would feel if X friend took his <insert most treasured possession> from his room? Would he want to play with them again knowing they did this? Sometimes they need to see how it would be for them to understand how it is for the other person.

I would for now do no more play dates and no more football cards at all. That way he can't steal any and feels the loss of collecting the cards himself.

Thank you…that was my first instinct.

And you don’t think that there is a risk that having no cards would drive him
to steal more?

They seem to be the main thing that the kids “play” with and talk about these days. If he has none it might really affect him. On the other hand that might make it a good lesson, and I suppose school is nearly finished for summer.

Yes it will really affect him! That's the plan!

I am not sure, because if they are the in thing at the moment, he will have to steak more to have any social inclusion

Just to triple check. He has definitely stolen them, not traded them?

@ageratum1 thats what I’m worried about.

@TeenToTwenties definitely stolen ☹️

He can't steal more if he doesn't have access to be able to steal more. Yes he will feel it acutely and it may exclude him socially for a week or so but rather this now than no parent wanting your child at their house/party for the rest of primary and being known as a thief.

If they are bringing cards into school I would tell school that this is causing issues. Personal items like this are banned in my children's old primary and no one could definitively prove who owned what card.

Ffs. He stole from his pals. The consequences should bloody affect him!

You sound lovely, op. So please don't be too hard on yourself. Children do things to test boundaries and learn. 6 is still very little

Not sure if you've said, but what was DS reaction when you had a "stern" word with him? And when he had to apologise?

I understand the importance of teaching lessons and being firm, but I also wonder whether how he processes this?

I say this as someone with teenage boys and how the male brain develops over time and how they develop in different (and sometimes slower) ways to girls.

He doesn't sound like he has other needs, but just wondering if he "gets" this is "wrong"?

My daughter had something stolen by a friend at a similar age. The mum believed her child when she said she didn’t take it. I refused to have the child back despite the mum eventually buying a replacement.

Apologise to the parent, return the cards and buy the child extra. Firm with your child, say no more play dates because of their behaviour.

Have you asked him why he is taking them? Could it be that he is copying other children? Still not okay of course!
I agree with others who have said come down firm, remove his cards for a time period, make him buy his friend new cards as a way of apology.
He needs to understand that he stole and stealing is not acceptable.

Me too. I’d take them all away.

Don't be so hard on yourself, this is not a sign your son has an unmet need or attachment issues. Lots of children steal something as a child, it's a learning point, they want something and think they can have it, they need to learn there are consequences and you are doing this.
My eldest child stole from a shop at age 6, as soon as we left the store she started squirming and revealed the toy in her pocket, I took her straight back into the store to a staff member and made her return it and apologise and told her that if was older they would have called the police for her. I think.i was a bit too harsh but she never did it again and she's an adult now and has never forgotten it.

It sounds like a compulsion rather than an unmet need (I'm all for understanding child behaviour and compaissionate parenting, but come on. OP). He seems to understand and he seems to have empathy in the moment you're discussing it and putting it right, but it sounds like the pull towards these things gets to him and he's acting on impulse.

My knee jerk reaction would be to take them away, but I agree, I don't know whether that will make him more desperate for them. I really think this is a trait you need to watch out for though. Maybe have a read up on parenting addictive personalities/ compulsive behaviours for some guidance if you haven't already, becasue thats what it sounds like to me?

You need to take them all. Immediately. And if he steals again, then you need to come down harder.

Soft talking and understanding is going to do nothing here. He’ll run rings around you.

One of my son's went through this at the same age, we concentrated on giving rather than receiving, making things for family members who weren't well and trying to raise money for a charity, it was just a few pounds, nothing massive. He is now in his mi's 20s and not a theif.
I remember thinking omg he's going to end up in prison, it's hard for some children, they just need extra support. This particular one of mine has been challenging and exhausting.
Ask a few friends who you trust and confide in, maybe the boys can do something together to help outwardly, they are never to young. Beaver cubs and cubs are always fundraising, bless him he is young.
They don't teach you about this at antenatal classes do they?
I have four grown up children and we've been through lots of scenarios where I've though, omg my child is not nice, but with help and support from friends it's all worked out x
He will not be the first or the last to be doing this, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing, but focus on learning some good behaviour, like how giving and helping others is fun. Good luck, it's hard work being a mum i read these threads snd remember clearly how challenging this part of parenting is.
lots of phases are just phases, my son who like to take things is the warmes and kindest and most generous man, so don't feel hopeless .all is not lost!

Yes I agree it sounds like a compulsion. He is sorry when you talk to him, seems to get it etc but when he sees the cards he just cant resist.

I would stop him from having cards for now. He clearly cant self regulate. This will mean you will have to thoroughly check him when he’s been with friends. Encourage other types of play. Get his friends round to yours a bit more ( if you can stand it!) and organise other things to do. Distract him, praise him when he plays nicely

Please don't be afraid of dealing with this firmly.
If he is "affected by it" then job done. It needs to hit home.
As an aside, this is one of the reasons my school bans these cards. Whenever in the past we've relented and had a trial period of allowing them for a while, things always kick off within a day or two with upset and arguments and accusations and parental complaints and so forth. So, no. They're banned.