6yo stealing football cards

[JumpinJellyfish]

My DS, recently turned 6, has been taking football cards from his friends at school
and on play dates and lying about it. I just don’t know what to do.

He has pocket money and has used this to buy his own cards so it’s not like he is deprived in any way.

At the weekend I actually saw that he had some in his pocket on a play date and asked him to leave them behind. His pockets looked empty when we were leaving and I foolishly didn’t check thoroughly, but when we got home he suddenly had a lot more cards. I asked him to give them all to me and we went back to his friend’s house to return them and apologise.

But then last night I found more of them and he admitted they were also from friend’s house, so he hadn’t given them
all back to me initially. I left them in my room overnight and he’s taken more of them back again this morning. (So essentially taking the same cards 3 times!)

I am so devastated about this. He knows that it is wrong (hence the lying) and we have explained why at length. I thought the shame of having to hand them over and apologise would be punishment enough but obviously not. I was so horrified to see that he had taken yet more this morning after our serious chat last night that I told him we would deal with it after school.

I keep reading that it shows some kind of unmet need or attachment disorder and that makes me feel even worse. His behaviour at school is excellent generally - academically great, lots of friends, regular behaviour awards - but he is often challenging at home. Very jealous of younger sibling (4yo girl) and just generally quite defiant.

I feel like this is a really important parenting moment that I need to get right but I don’t know how to handle it.

This has been happening to my son. The child that has been stealing them now has the consequence that he is banned from my house. It's only football cards to me but not to my son. Then what else could he take... the kids money from their money boxes etc? It's a no from me. I only have people in the house that I trust.

Same happened here. And the same consequences too. He is not coming in the house

I think though that you're right, something else is going on here & I'd want to get underneath it. From what you've said he's jealous of his ds? Could he feel that he doesn't get enough of the attention or that he has to share with her all of the time & simply want something for himself?
That would make sense to me if he's having to make compromises or feels he does, why shouldn't his friends do the same for him?

On another note when I was about 10 I used to steal soap from my local boots. Because I wanted to be clean, boots staff recognised this & just started giving soap to me. They knew I was struggling at home. Sad but true.
I could have done other things instead but didn't, I'm not deviant & I turned into a (mostly) stable adult who doesn't steal anything,so just be aware in his mind there will be a reason that makes sense to him. I agree it deserves some attention & I don't think punishing him is really the answer.

You need to intervene and really scare or shame him stealing can become a lifelong habit. He will only get better at hiding his thefts. Every time he is successful he will het a secret thrill. Any dyslexia or autustic traits.

Another one who agrees.
its a totally logical consequence

I’d remove all his cards, refuse to purchase any more and any relatives or whoever who gave any to him would have them handed back.

you will also need to be more vigilant and more thorough

Take an inventory of his cards, I would say initial them so you know they are his, but they probably swap them around between friends. Check regularly.

Warn him if it happens one more time all the cards will be gone for good and he won't be able to play with them with his friends, make sure he knows you are not joking.

And stop his pocket money for a few weeks for the recent bad behaviour.

Have you threatened consequences or just given a lecture, which has gone right over his head?

I don't think this is necessarily going to get worse! He's trying to say something by his behaviour & parents need to listen to this message. It's not just about punishing

I think it might be unique to football stickers, the compulsion he has to steal. They market them so certain cards are very rare and become incredibly desirable. I guess that's where the trading come into it. So the stealing is a bit like stealing money in monopoly when you're the banker. It's a compulsion to try and 'win' that's causing him to cheat.
So I'd say they are designed to cause competitive behaviour among children, and what your son is doing is probably not that uncommon.
The only solution is ban the cards. Tell his mates parents he's not allowed them and why, hopefully some might follow suit.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/202210/12-reasons-children-steal-and-12-ways-stop-it

I like the advice here.

@Thehumblebee you need to start your own thread 🙂

Thank you for the replies - just catching up.

I think pps are right that it’s a compulsion - he knows it’s wrong but in the moment is overcome by temptation. I also found out that the child in question has been giving his cards away to friends so there has probably been a bit of a blurred line for DS.

DS doesn’t have any additional needs. He is a typical 6yo. He definitely understands that stealing is wrong.

We have taken his own cards away and banned all cards in the house. He is going to save his pocket money for the next 3 weeks to buy his friend some new cards, and he has taken all of the original ones back and apologised.

Thankfully school has now broken up for the summer which I hope will reset things a bit.

Greatest respect to you. It's so hard parenting. You are doing great. You are teaching right from wrong and giving punishment. You are parenting great!

Had same issue with pokemon cards years ago. After the 2nd incident, I removed all of his pokemon cards. Grounded him for two weeks. No play station no TV felt such a cruel mum but it worked. He had to earn each item back by showing his behaviour was improving. We still spent time together played board games cards read books. It's hard trying to find what works for your child. God luck.

He's just pushing you to see where the brick wall is, the brick wall of no means no,he's obviously very bright,but you don't want his behaviour to escalate, explain to him that stealing is totally out of order,and don't give pocket money for a week,tell him every time he steals,he does not get pocket money.just a suggestion.good luck, parenting is not easy.

You are not going to instill any amount of responsibility into the child at his age; he is a young child. Its similar to if he saw sweeties lying around. You must not blame the child he will not understand and it will blight his childhood. Its up to you to watch over him, check pockets when leaving. Not blame the child. In the grand scheme of things this is not worth ruining Two lives over. Try to gently explain that I'm n order to get something = coins are exchanged ( money). I can remember being six years old and not really understanding money transactions.

Echo what others have said - you sound lovely. I don’t see many people mentioning impulse control, though, which in six year olds is VERY underdeveloped. It sounds like when you speak to him he “gets it” but in the moment, when they are in front of him and he is just consumed by the feeling of needing them, he can’t control the impulse. He knew you would catch him, but in that moment that all faded away. Developmentally completely normal, and logical consequences need to be balanced and applied with understanding of how a six year old brain works. Reading “the whole brain child” helped me stop freaking out and thinking my kid was bound for Broadmoor every time he did something that, in an adult, would look like sociopathy - but in a 6 year old kid is just a wee bump in the road. It’s all good xx

I think this is a very common problem, and not really specific to your child. My kids school banned Pokémon cards because they were causing so many issues.

I have a 6 yr old son and in my experience boys are very much ‘do now think later’. I can well imagine my son doing this even though he Knows it’s wrong and will get him into trouble. Just because in that moment he REALLY wants that particular card. In your shoes I would remove all the cards and be done with it. He has had more than enough chances. children should not be taking them to school either and I would be contacting them to say so - if it’s not your son then someone else will be stealing them.

Hi, not sure what to advise but just to say that my very young child also had a habit of taking what he liked without asking, while also being very generous (maybe he was a natural born communist). From taking small things from friends without asking (made worse by friends and their parents saying oh it doesn't mater, he can keep it) to having to go back to shops to return items and apologise, to eventually stealing money from his own dad. Maybe the talk after that was what did it, maybe the message finly sank in, maybe he just grew out of it. Keep explaining and making natural consequences and hopefully he will stio. Good luck!

You’ve given him a stern talking to and made him apologise to his friends, that’s a really good start so don’t beat yourself up. This will have little if anything to do with attachment or how he has been parented or anything like that. Kids just do this stuff sometimes, at age they are impulsive and have poor decision making skills. I think taking his cards away would be a suitable consequence as others have suggested. Yes it will hurt, it’s supposed to

I think that you were right to take his cards away, that gives a strong clear message and is entirely appropriate for what he has done.

These cards are very addictive. They are a form of gambling - pay for the pack and if you are lucky, you get the card you need. If not buy some more . . . If they are still popular next year, you will need to keep chatting to him about how to use them sensibly and not let them dominate. This year's lesson should help him to remember . . .

The cards are designed to make children covet the rarer ones.
It becomes a compulsion to collect them.

Apologies - edited as I didn’t read last update and that hr was punished.

No more play dates forever ?? Talk about using a hammer to crush a fly