6yo stealing football cards

[JumpinJellyfish]

My DS, recently turned 6, has been taking football cards from his friends at school
and on play dates and lying about it. I just don’t know what to do.

He has pocket money and has used this to buy his own cards so it’s not like he is deprived in any way.

At the weekend I actually saw that he had some in his pocket on a play date and asked him to leave them behind. His pockets looked empty when we were leaving and I foolishly didn’t check thoroughly, but when we got home he suddenly had a lot more cards. I asked him to give them all to me and we went back to his friend’s house to return them and apologise.

But then last night I found more of them and he admitted they were also from friend’s house, so he hadn’t given them
all back to me initially. I left them in my room overnight and he’s taken more of them back again this morning. (So essentially taking the same cards 3 times!)

I am so devastated about this. He knows that it is wrong (hence the lying) and we have explained why at length. I thought the shame of having to hand them over and apologise would be punishment enough but obviously not. I was so horrified to see that he had taken yet more this morning after our serious chat last night that I told him we would deal with it after school.

I keep reading that it shows some kind of unmet need or attachment disorder and that makes me feel even worse. His behaviour at school is excellent generally - academically great, lots of friends, regular behaviour awards - but he is often challenging at home. Very jealous of younger sibling (4yo girl) and just generally quite defiant.

I feel like this is a really important parenting moment that I need to get right but I don’t know how to handle it.

No disorder - just naughty.

TOUGH punishment needed.

Well, I'm just gona say it. I was a thief 😶‍🌫️. Between the ages of 7-14 f it wasn't nailed down I took it. I never took from friends or family but I took from shops and open lockers at the swimming pool/gym, I even took library books 🤣. I'm not proud of it but I did it, was even arrested a few times 🙈 But I most definitely grew out of it! I won't even take a plastic bag from the supermarket without paying now 🤣 he's not the first child to get involved with stealing and he won't be the last, just keep telling him it's wrong. He will grow out of it. Eventually 🤣

Not sure what’s so funny about stealing. I am sure some people were very upset that their things were gone after a swim or workout.
Did you ever reflect on the impact your behaviour had on others?

This seems a bit of a pointless dig tbh, the op's son has admitted it and she has already taken him to return the cards and apologise.

Read the actual post FFS.

She knows how serious this is and has told her son and taken the standard initial action, but it's not sinking in so she's asking for FURTHER advice.

Football cards are very addictive, the compulsion is strong. Tell him you are going to take the whole set away for a few days. Because he stole. That will hurt him badly. No looking at them, no looking online at cards he wants to buy, nothing. Hopefully this will hit home hard.

He has GOT to give every card he has stolen back.

I would be really firm on this. No shouting but I’d take the cards off him. Stealing - especially from friends and loved ones is not good behaviour.

Im pretty relaxed with my kids but not on this.

My eldest was given money to share with his cousin - only she didn’t tell the cousin and kept it her self - so essentially stealing, I went mad and made her hand it over.

No one wants a thief around as they are not trusted

And you think that your behaviour was funny?

Honestly OP I think it’s a relatively normal developmental stage. I know when I was 5/6 my dad used to put my sister’s lunch money out. She’d get about £3.50 and I’d take 20p or 30p once a week or so. My dad would always assume he counted wrong in the morning and add the extra. I was never caught so never punished yet I still learned that stealing was wrong. It probably lasted 3 months or so.

I remember knowing that it wasn’t mine but not being able to differentiate the difference between stealing the money and say for example using my sister’s DS or her makeup without asking (she would often say yes but sometimes no).

I can confirm I’m now a 25 year old professional and I have never stolen anything since. I never bullied anyone, didn’t get into trouble with school. It’s likely not related but I am autistic. I’m hyper empathetic and give lots to charity. I was the academic well behaved child but no children can be perfect. I have always felt very cast aside by my parents though because I needed way less support with homework etc than one of my sisters. It may be related, it may not.

I think remove the football cards and keep talking to him about how it will make others feel. The message will get through. He’s just a little boy, not a monster

Also to add, football cards are very similar to gambling so I think can be addictive and make little ones go a bit mad and obsessive

Why has everything got to be labelled? Children can 'just' be naughty.

And that's perfectly normal.

That's why there are so many people wrongly diagnosed ADHD etc - parents can't accept that sometimes it IS just naughty behaviour that they're not correcting.

And before I get slated, yes I know there are genuine cases.

Thanks all. It is reassuring to know that it’s not beyond the realms of normal behaviour and doesn’t necessarily indicate some deeper issue.

He doesn’t have any additional needs as I’ve already said and I don’t think anyone has suggested otherwise @beanii?

I completely agree that the cards are addictive/encourage this compulsive behaviour and I really dislike them. I’m glad that it’s now the summer holidays as he will have a break from the constant playground chat/trading, and if it picks up again next year I will ask the school to enforce a ban as I’m sure it’s a nightmare for teachers as well.

Don't focus on the cards as your dislike. It's just the first thing in a line of many where we need to regular self control. Yes he's young but even by this age we learn from nursery and school what is acceptable.
We all have to learn to control our eating, playing x box too much, not studying for exams etc. This is just his first lesson.

It wasn’t the fact the child stole, it was the fact they lied about it. They were also 7, old enough to understand stealing and lying are wrong. Play dates aren’t a right, my child has other friends and I decided no play dates with that child until they matured and I could trust them. So often the focus is on the one who has done the wrong thing, forgetting the child it’s happened to. My child was devastated when her possessions were stolen, they were a birthday present and so precious to her.

I did this at a similar age. My mum made me hand over my entire collection and explained that if I was a few years older she’d have taken me to the police station. That was a pretty sharp shock but it put an end to it and I wouldn’t ever think of stealing anything afterwards.

Oh I thought you meant no play dates for the child ever with any friend not just this one. My bad. I agree child needs to be disciplined to learn and and hopefully develop impulse control.

😄 no my child continued to have play dates, I just gave it a rest from
that child for a while. There were other things but that was the final straw.