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Original poster

When should I tell my son his biological dad died before he was born and his dad isn't his real dad

75 replies

Kelly1989r · 13/07/2024 21:06

Hey 👋 not sure where to begin....
When I was 3 months pregnant with my son his biological dad killed himself. My other children's dad who I have always been best friends with stepped in and moved in to help me and our children as I was heartbroken and depressed. Fast forward and we ended up getting back together when my son was r months old. He has always seen my partner as his dad, treated exactly the same as the others, we often forget he isn't biolocally his. In my partners eyes he is his ❤️ we went onto have another little boy who is biblically his and I can't help but feel so guilty! All my children have the same dad apart from my boy and I just feel awfully sad for him. He is 3 now and I wondering when and how would be the best time/way to tell him. I don't want him to find out when he's older and would rather gradually let him know if that makes sense? But he is only 3 so wouldn't understand yet. I have been dredded this. Any help and advise would be amazing. If you have got this far thank you for reading 😊

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2024 21:10

Always tell them before they can understand and continue to tell them until they do. It's really important it doesn't become a secret and you aren't telling lies.

It might be worth going on some adoption sites and listening, because what you say and how you say it is important. Is your partner planning to adopt or has he already?

Lavender14 · 13/07/2024 21:14

To be honest op I think this is one that's best told in an age appropriate way right from the very beginning so it's a story he grows up with rather than a difficult surprise later on. And also for you its probably better to get used to talking about it in a gentle way and adding in more detail as he gets older and has more questions about it. If you leave it too late you might find he doesn't want to ask you questions because he'll understand that was an upsetting time for you and he won't want to upset you more. Whereas if it's something you show him you can talk about little by little then that's less likely to worry him. You could contact cruse or other bereavement support services that have a children's service to ask for advice on the right wording if you aren't sure. I'd also make very sure you watch how the other kids talk about it as kids can use differences as a way to be hurtful when they want to lash out without understanding the implications of what they're saying for the other person. I would just start of saying that he had a daddy who loved him very much but that daddy died when he was very very tiny and your partner then became his daddy and loves him just as much. You might want to show him some pictures and maybe keep a photo up in the house (if you feel that's appropriate) so he can see his bio daddy and know what he looked like etc. If you feel up to it I'd be inclined to make up a little scrap book with your sons life journey in it so he can look through it with you and understand how everything goes together.

Oblomov24 · 13/07/2024 21:18

I think you should tell him asap on an age appropriate way.

Tunnelsong · 13/07/2024 21:23

A book like Todd Parr, The Family Book, is a good way into talking about different types of families. Growing up knowing the fact about his dads is better than a big reveal latter. A photo book with birth dads photo and some facts about him might help. My son is adopted and has grown up accepting he’s had different families. It’s something you are likely to have to go back to as your DS has more questions. Keeping it fact based is probably the best approach. If you have different types of families in your wider network you can also point those out to normalise it.

ButtSurgery · 13/07/2024 21:27

As soon as you can.

You could speak to some adoption support groups about how they introduce the concept of different parents to young children.

Whilst your son isn't an adopted child child, the principle of the explanation is very similar.

Things like family books with photos of everyone involved, pictures on the wall, stories about his other daddy - very simplistic things so he can ask questions if he wants to as he gets a bit older.

Greatmate · 13/07/2024 21:30

Are his bio dada family interested in having a relationship with him?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 13/07/2024 21:35

Can you have a picture of his dad out somewhere in the house, a photo album available with more pictures and memories and make a habit of casually talking about him? Maybe call him 'Daddy (first name)' to distinguish him from your husband. Do you older children still remember him?

I was a teen when my parents told me something similar and it was such a shock. It couldn't have been handled any worse and threw my whole world upside down. When I met my husband and had kids, I made sure we spoke openly about certain family history which we could have kept hidden from birth as I never wanted to have 'that sit down chat'

good luck OP

Ratfinkstinkypink · 13/07/2024 21:37

Contact Winston's Wish, they will guide you through this in a way that is age appropriate.

CyanideShake · 13/07/2024 21:39

I'd get on it asap so it'll never be a shock to him and when he's older it will be a fact that he's always known.

Here's an article that might be helpful

www.askdrgayle.com/html/qa328.htm

Cerialkiller · 13/07/2024 21:44

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 13/07/2024 21:35

Can you have a picture of his dad out somewhere in the house, a photo album available with more pictures and memories and make a habit of casually talking about him? Maybe call him 'Daddy (first name)' to distinguish him from your husband. Do you older children still remember him?

I was a teen when my parents told me something similar and it was such a shock. It couldn't have been handled any worse and threw my whole world upside down. When I met my husband and had kids, I made sure we spoke openly about certain family history which we could have kept hidden from birth as I never wanted to have 'that sit down chat'

good luck OP

I was going to say exactly this. A photo of his dad and him together ideally.

Obviously this needs a discussion with you current partner as you need to find a way that he isn't calling them both dad or undermining his current fatherly relationship. I would perhaps call him by his first name so that the man who raised him is 'dad' and his bio dad is 'chris' or whatever until ds is older and you can have a deeper conversation and even decide to call him something else ds would like so he feels he has a choice. I would say 6-8 years old you need to start being more overt with the talks.

Might be worth talking to someone about how to approach the way he died.

My stepmother was very mentally ill and unfortunately took her life too but we always approach it as she was very unwell rather then focussing on the details of the method. My half brother has a framed letter from her which he treasures. If you have any personal items it would be lovely to have them in his room as early as possible so they are near ds and he can feel he has a relationship with this person.

TheCraicDealer · 13/07/2024 21:45

Tell him as soon as possible (in an age appropriate way), be open about it as he gets older and it should never be an issue. I know two different women who have been in similar situations- they kept it from the kids, their boys are now teenagers and tbh it’s like waiting for a bomb to go off. I know their situation despite not even being close to either woman, so the kids are 100% going to find out one day. Don’t do that to your son.

DullFanFiction · 13/07/2024 21:48

Asap. It will be much less traumatic.

But you need to also think about your other dcs. Do they know or do they think your dh is also his father?

DullFanFiction · 13/07/2024 21:49

@Cerialkiller its going to be hard to have a photo of him with his dad when the father died before he was born….

BusyCM · 13/07/2024 21:50

Cerialkiller · 13/07/2024 21:44

I was going to say exactly this. A photo of his dad and him together ideally.

Obviously this needs a discussion with you current partner as you need to find a way that he isn't calling them both dad or undermining his current fatherly relationship. I would perhaps call him by his first name so that the man who raised him is 'dad' and his bio dad is 'chris' or whatever until ds is older and you can have a deeper conversation and even decide to call him something else ds would like so he feels he has a choice. I would say 6-8 years old you need to start being more overt with the talks.

Might be worth talking to someone about how to approach the way he died.

My stepmother was very mentally ill and unfortunately took her life too but we always approach it as she was very unwell rather then focussing on the details of the method. My half brother has a framed letter from her which he treasures. If you have any personal items it would be lovely to have them in his room as early as possible so they are near ds and he can feel he has a relationship with this person.

Show quote history

How would she have a photo of them together? He died before the boy was born.

FunIsland · 13/07/2024 21:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2024 21:10

Always tell them before they can understand and continue to tell them until they do. It's really important it doesn't become a secret and you aren't telling lies.

It might be worth going on some adoption sites and listening, because what you say and how you say it is important. Is your partner planning to adopt or has he already?

Our kids are adopted and this is exactly what we did. It’s literally never been an issue for them and they’re adults now.

AuntMarch · 13/07/2024 21:54

I can't remember not knowing, and I'm really grateful for that. So I can't say how, because I don't remember how my parents did it, but I can say don't wait!

BeachRide · 13/07/2024 21:55

Can your partner adopt him formally?

Tbry24 · 13/07/2024 21:56

Tell him in an age appropriate way about his other daddy. Put a photo of daddy up in his room. Make a little photo album family tree book with photos of everyone so there’s daddy A with you and his older siblings then a photo of you when pregnant then a photo of you with him as a baby then there’s you with daddy b (the only daddy he knows) all of his siblings and him. Then photos and names of all his grandparents. If he needs to know more as he gets older he will ask.

LividLoved · 13/07/2024 21:58

Agree with above.

You ABSOLUTELY have to start now, and before he can understand. You need to get used to saying it so it's easier for you, too.

It cannot be a big secret or a reveal.

If your other kids don't know, you have to talk to them, too.

I have a couple of "big things" I make sure to drop in to my son who is 4 now. He doesn't care because he's 4 and doesn't know it's not "standard", but it means he remembers more each time and it gets easier for me to mention.

Holidaaaaay · 13/07/2024 21:58

Tell him in an age appropriate way asap and keep telling him. Do not make it a secret or lie. I was lied to for years about pretty much exactly this. Later was told as a teenager and it destroyed me.

PurpleMat · 13/07/2024 21:59

I know it's difficult, but try not to turn this into something you "dread". Try and make it totally normal, something you can lightly mention anytime, any place. Make it part of your DC's story. Start talking to him, about it right now. Something small, something easy to say, and never stop mentioning it. I like the idea of a photo too. So DC has something to focus on.

Bobbotgegrinch · 13/07/2024 21:59

Now is the time to tell him, although god knows how you do it.

I think possibly framing it that he had two Dads, one who isnt here any more, rather than telling him that his Dad isn't his "real" Dad.

Just him knowing he has two dads will eventually lead him to realising that it's not normal, at which point he'll come to you with questions, that you can then answer for him.

Pelham678 · 13/07/2024 21:59

Now but just in an age appropriate way. Maybe an organisation like Winston's Wish would be able to help you with this and also support your son.

Don't keep it a secret, The longer it is one the harder it will be for your son.

SkaneTos · 13/07/2024 22:00

Tell your son as soon as possible, in an age appropriate way.
It's part of his life and life story.
It also might be important genetically/medically in the future.
It should not be a secret.

I wish you and your family all the best!

CyanideShake · 13/07/2024 22:10

TheCraicDealer · 13/07/2024 21:45

Tell him as soon as possible (in an age appropriate way), be open about it as he gets older and it should never be an issue. I know two different women who have been in similar situations- they kept it from the kids, their boys are now teenagers and tbh it’s like waiting for a bomb to go off. I know their situation despite not even being close to either woman, so the kids are 100% going to find out one day. Don’t do that to your son.

Yikes, imagine if some random person decided to furnish them with the facts. How furious and angry those teens would be. Bomb analogy is right.