When should I tell my son his biological dad died before he was born and his dad isn't his real dad

[Kelly1989r]

Hey 👋 not sure where to begin....
When I was 3 months pregnant with my son his biological dad killed himself. My other children's dad who I have always been best friends with stepped in and moved in to help me and our children as I was heartbroken and depressed. Fast forward and we ended up getting back together when my son was r months old. He has always seen my partner as his dad, treated exactly the same as the others, we often forget he isn't biolocally his. In my partners eyes he is his ❤️ we went onto have another little boy who is biblically his and I can't help but feel so guilty! All my children have the same dad apart from my boy and I just feel awfully sad for him. He is 3 now and I wondering when and how would be the best time/way to tell him. I don't want him to find out when he's older and would rather gradually let him know if that makes sense? But he is only 3 so wouldn't understand yet. I have been dredded this. Any help and advise would be amazing. If you have got this far thank you for reading 😊

I don't understand why people feel when someone says "how do I explain this to my child?" it is reasonable to say "tell them in an age appropriate way"?

If someone is asking for help it is because they want to know what an age appropriate way is.

'Other dad' is a good phrase- and how lucky he is to have two dads, even if he didn't get to meet the first one.

Bio Dad and actual dad are also good.

Presumably you need to get buy in from your partner, so that you don't have to watch your words.

What do your older children remember? Because you need to think about them too.

If you can have a conversation with a child that would be the right time

Hi Toby
I want to show you some pictures. This is me with you in my tummy. That man is Ben, he is your birth Dad, he helped make you. However <he died, we grew apart, he xxxx> so now I am with Tim and he us your <forever> Dad. Can you see you have the same nose as Ben? ....
Do you want a biscuit?

On some level he will already understand so just keep telling him from now.

Are you in contact with his biological father's family? We had a similar-ish situation with one of my sibling's kids. I was able to find an auntie (different country) when she was about 14. It has been a bumpy ride, but it really benefited her in the long run to know the extended family. She didn't have a great experience with her 'step' dads though: I think 14 was not as good as 4 would have been, as she had a difficult time watching her siblings grow up with dads and extended family that she didn't have and who weren't great at including her. Knowing where she 'came from' helped ground her a lot.

I’d be very careful about talking of ‘Tim’ as his forever dad if Tim hasn’t adopted him.

Because as awful as it would be, if the OP was to separate from Tim, he could chose to not have anything to do with the child, regardless of the fact he brought him up like if he was his.

@DullFanFiction Agree re use of forever. It is what we use but ours are adopted so it is different for us.

What about a memory box? You could do them for any of your children (I know Winston's wish do them) put in things like their ultrasound picture, maybe their birth certificate (or a copy), baby photos.

For your son a photo of his birth father and the same for the other child(ren) so there will be different photos.

You can talk to your son about what is in his box.

I don't mean do this every day, but occasionally.

Could you start saying what a lucky boy he is as he has two Daddies who love him very, very much. One is in heaven and his other Daddy who is there every day. Then show him pictures of his Heaven Daddy.

Maybe look for a story book that has a kid with two dads / new dads / blended family etc and then use that as a starting point to say you're a bit like the child in the story because you have two dads too.

I think dropping in that he has 2 dad's or that a dad that made him and a dad that looks after him now or that he had a different dad before he was born and now he has the same dad as his siblings. He might not really get it yet but by making it normal to say he'll know and will ask questions when he needs more information.

Tell him soon. 4yo is a reasonable age. then he will have no nasty surprises/revelations and will accept it.

4yos take things in their stride. Tell him in a fairly even and light tone. You have daddy but also another daddy who put the baby in mummy’s tummy. That daddy died but is watching over us all making sure we are ok.

A photo book is a good idea. You can point at pictures and say ‘that’s the daddy that made you. His name was John.’ That’s mummy, my name is Sarah.’ ‘That’s daddy, his name is Dave’ to make it clearer.
And then a simple explanation that Daddy John was very poorly and died, but Daddy Dave wanted to be your daddy too, and now he is - or something along those lines.

This.

I agree with everyone that you should start talking about this immediately, and that information from the Mn adoption board (which has immensely kind, experienced and well-informed regulars) would be a great place to start.

But @DullFanFiction makes an important point, and I’m also concerned by the OP’s comment that her now partner ‘wouldn't like it’ if she had a photo off her child’s birth father on the wall for his sake. He needs to deal with it. This three year old he supposedly loves and forgets isn’t his biological child has a right to know his own story and heritage.

Sounds like good advice here from people in the know.
I'm naive in this, but can you just not tell him, ever?? He has a dad, it doesn't really benefit him knowing.

Actually as I'm typing this I'm thinking I guess other people know, the older children and he has another family that will want contact I presume.

Difficult. Good luck x

What understanding do your older children have?
Do they remember his father who died being in THEIR life?

@BusyCM Oh you are quite right! I misread the post as saying he was 3months old not 3 months pregnant. Sorry OP.

I would bring him up knowing this . Have aphoto of his niological dad in his room and refer to it . Tell him thats his biological dad who died you can't skirt round it with little children . But his Dad now chose you and him to be his family .Make it clear his Dad now has brought him up and cared for him . I think it will be easier for him if it's just a special part of his life story he has always known.

Start by showing him a picture of his heaven daddy?

I would explain that there are different types of Dad. One who helped make you as a baby which is called your biological Dad and another who might look after you, if your biological Dad, for whatever reason, isn't able to. I would explain that his first Dad sadly had to leave earth and is in heaven after helping create him, but that he is very lucky to have his Dad (the one he knows) who has chosen to be his Dad. I would explain that it doesn't really matter which type of Dad you have as there is no difference between how much they love you. Personally i would try to avoid using the term step Dad or real Dad, as your partner is the only Dad that he has ever known. I expect that a lot of this won't make a huge amount of sense to him at this age, but i think that it's the right time to start. Alternatively you could refer to his biological Dad as a man you helped make him, if you think that the concept of explanation that he had another Dad is too confusing.

Tell him asap, in an age-appropriate way, and continue to answer any questions as they come up. I know it's not the same, but DS always knew he was an IVF / ICSI baby, as did his other friends who had the same or similar starts. I also have close relatives who never knew that they had a half-sibling: it's caused a lot of grief.

Early as possible! If it's never hidden like something wrong he won't think it's wrong either. No bombshell. He's special as he has 2 daddies. The one he has with him now that chose him, and one in 'heaven' (or wherever suits your belief) that watches him and protects him from there even if can't see him.

Not just that. He might need to know his father's medical history. He might do a DNA test when he is older.

And if he found out as an adult or older teen he is going to feel betrayed.

Agree exactly. This happened to me. When my parents divorced I learnt he wasn't my dad at all and then wanted nothing more to do with me. Lost my dad who wasn't my dad at all and realised I'd already lost a dad without knowing it.

I'm the child in this situation, my step dad and mum met when I was 2. Of all the awful and very hurtful things of my childhood, I have always known/been told the truth. One of the few things I respect about them.