When should I tell my son his biological dad died before he was born and his dad isn't his real dad

[Kelly1989r]

Hey 👋 not sure where to begin....
When I was 3 months pregnant with my son his biological dad killed himself. My other children's dad who I have always been best friends with stepped in and moved in to help me and our children as I was heartbroken and depressed. Fast forward and we ended up getting back together when my son was r months old. He has always seen my partner as his dad, treated exactly the same as the others, we often forget he isn't biolocally his. In my partners eyes he is his ❤️ we went onto have another little boy who is biblically his and I can't help but feel so guilty! All my children have the same dad apart from my boy and I just feel awfully sad for him. He is 3 now and I wondering when and how would be the best time/way to tell him. I don't want him to find out when he's older and would rather gradually let him know if that makes sense? But he is only 3 so wouldn't understand yet. I have been dredded this. Any help and advise would be amazing. If you have got this far thank you for reading 😊

Put a photograph of his natural father on the wall in his bedroom and tell him who it is, and that he is dead. Tell him sometimes good things come from bad things, and his step dad is so happy to have him as a son.

You must start now. I was told when I was about 11, and I was devastated. I'm still upset now, and I'm 50. Tell him now.

As early as possible.
"You are lucky to have had a dad who made you
and a here dad who utterly loves both of us."

Best to start when he's really young so it's never a secret. At only 3 I'd keep it really simple - tell him he had another daddy but his dad was very poorly and he died (went to heaven or whatever you believe) and he's also got his daddy now who loves him very much. Leave it at that and be prepared to answer his questions as they come up in an age appropriate way. Don't worry that this will traumatise him, children are very adaptable. The most important thing is honesty and no secrets.

Echoing all pps, introduce is now and let it be a concept he grows up accepting rather than a bomb to drop later in life. If you can, making a walk of life book showing you with his dad and him with his dad as much as possible is generally recommended in adoption scenarios so assume it would apply here as well. Might be useful to speak to a child psychologist if you want specific pointers but there are all sorts of books available these days you can read to children to also help get them more comfortable with the idea that this is also a normal family set up.

Definitely start now op. Maybe make a picture book and read it as a story with photos.

Start with a photo of him with you and his non bio dad. A few nice words about how much you both love him. Then talk about how he was born with Photo of bio dad and mum. Then explain bio dad died and isn’t here any more and then how non bio dad came into his life and loves him so much.

Thankyou all so much for your replies 💓 your right I will be starting tomorrow, although how I'm not sure. Its difficult to have a picture on the wall of him as my partner wouldn't like it (there's more to the @story and it's a whole new one but there is a reason for that). I have already made a big photo album for my son with his bio dad and me together, Pregnancy pictures etc like a scrap book so I can sit and look through it with him. I also still have photos on my phone so will show him pics of him (I do that anyway from time to time so will do it more frequently). Thanks again 😃

Now

Just make it the most normal thing in the world. Talk about it frequently in small amounts. Sprinkle it into conversations.

If you are talking about holidays at dinner one night. Mention the great holiday you went on with his biological father and the fun thing you did.

i should clarify, I don’t mean tell him by slipping in that you and his biological father went on holiday. I just meant that as an example of how to bring it up again later so you can reinforce

Now.

Your partner is "dad"
his bio dad is his "father"
My parents divorced when I was tiny.
So I always had two dads, one of whom was far away and useless
Your partner is your rock

As PPs are saying, tell him asap in an uncomplicated, peaceful way.

I would avoid phrasing it as a PP suggested though, by saying ‘good things come from bad things sometimes’. There needs to be no negativity about his Dad. The reality is, whatever happened, his Dad was really struggling at that point of his life. But he really absolutely does not need the nuance of this at age 3. He was poorly and he passed away/died before you were born - is fine.

I would also avoid, again as the PP suggested, saying ‘step-Dad’. No need, and untrue. His Dad (your partner) is his Dad. Not step-dad. It’s his Dad. I don’t know how gay or lesbian couples make it ‘true’ but it is, isn’t it - some kids just DO have two mummies or daddies. Just like your boy DOES have two daddies (different reason of course).

Anyway, best of luck with introducing this idea to your family. I’m sure you’ll be marvellous.

Both my children were adopted as babies. From the moment they could speak, we’ve been open with them that they have ‘birth mummy and daddy and ‘forever mummy and daddy’. We have drip fed depending on their age and ensured they know other children in a similar situation so they don’t feel different. I know your situation is different, but I think the same principle applies.

I know a couple of people who weren’t told until much later in life and they both ended contact with their parents. It was like a bomb for them.

I think a self made photo book is a great idea. You could even script the simple words of his life story into the book so you can read it aloud together repeatedly with other books at bedtime. I made one for my non biologically related son.

It would read something like “This is the story of you. One day, mum met a man called Paul, who was your first dad. Here is Paul’s photo - he was tall, had green eyes and loved to play the guitar. He was born in Durham and went to school there. After school, he was an electrician. Mum and Paul dated for a while and Mum eventually became pregnant with you. While you were still growing inside mum, Paul became unwell and sadly died. Mum was sad that Paul died before you were born and could see what a wonderful baby you were. Not long afterwards, your mum got together with your forever dad Ben, who was also her best friend. He loved both of us right away and we became a new family…..”

Tell him always in age appropriate ways as in find a way to tell him now and always remind him and keep his dad's memory alive.

I found out at 18 that my dad wasn't my real dad, I'd always had doubts and was told no he's your dad. My grandma died when I was 18 and at her funeral the priest spoke of 7 grandchildren but it was 8 grandchildren so I was obv confused. My mum and "dad" had split when I was about 7 and it wasn't amicable so I thought the family we're being weird towards me and my brother but then if they were excluding us both as grandchildren it would have been 6 not 7 so 1 grandchild was missed off and I just knew it was me had a feeling. At the wake my grandma's friends were telling me how much I looked like my grandad who has passed 20 years previous so before I was born and I was so happy to be told things about him and my grandma and it was nice to be told I look so much like him then my cousin who's 10 years older and the only other girl and always had it in for me said loud and clear "she doesn't look like grandad cos uncle John (my "dad") isn't even her dad and this isn't her grandma's funeral really"
My mum and "dad" said as I got older it got harder to tell me and they were going to.....

My biological father disappeared when my mum told him she was pregnant. Said he couldn't have kids it wasn't his baby and she never seen him again she met my "dad" when I was 6 months old and then my brother was born when I was 3 and a half.

I hate the both of them for it and have never forgave them. More so my "dad" he left when I was 7 and pretended to be my dad until I was 18, he didn't want us he cheated and left why not just tell me the truth then? My whole family my aunties my uncles my maternal grandparents everyone knew my cousins knew my mums friends knew literally wasn't a secret except to me. I tolerate my mum but recently wondering why I do because I haven't forgave her and she's a narcissistic nasty piece of work and tbh it stems from that lie.

Don't ever put him in a position to resent you

Y’know I’ve never really thought about this but there’s 3 of us and Dsis has a different dad (he died), it has never ever been an issue. Our (me and dbro) dad was never in the picture so our situation is different in that sense.
People always told my mum to just tell dsis that she had the same dad as us who was just an arse and not bothered so we all felt the same (weird thing to suggest imo). Mum never did that.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that we were never sat down and dsis told we have different dads, it wasn’t a huge deal or discussion or anything, obviously my bro and I knew our sister's dad but she was too young to remember him as he died when she was tiny.
Do your older children know about your little boy’s dad? Like, did he live with you all at some point? Or are all children under the impression they share a dad?

Our sister is our sister, there are no half anythings in our family (I actually hate that term). We grew up completely loving, connected siblings and remain so into adulthood. I adore my dsis’s children. The fact we have different dads has no effect on our relationship.

I agree with PPs just don’t hide it, don’t lie and include it in everyday conversation. The idea of the memory book for your son is a good one, dsis had a memory box of her dad. It really does not need to be a big deal or something that comes between siblings.

Also.... turns out my biological dad can have kids cos I'd been hanging around with his daughter and son, twins and friends of my boyfriend at the time and I am the absolute double of them and him. When my mum told me his real name I was just like no he's jenny and John's dad (not real names just first boy and girl name with alliteration) funnily enough I'd been in their house the week before and met their dad who first thing said what's your name? And what's your dad's name? Felt weird at the time but all made sense why he asked that a week later but that's another story

Just like a matter of fact story about his life, ‘when I was pregnant with you, your daddy (or whatever name you want to give biological dad) died and mummy felt sad and then daddy (whatever he calls step dad) and mummy fell in love and we all became a family.

Sometimes films / TV can help, watch something and say ‘ooh look that’s like our family’.

Or tidying up and ‘find’ the book and have a look through it ‘oh look! Here’s a photo of mummy and daddy x before you were born, here’s another photo of mummy on her own after daddy x died. Look at me with a big tummy because you’re in there!’

Or along those lines?

Tell him now. And drop the "real dad" terminology!

Please tell your other children as well. My brothers mum died before he was 2, he has no memory of her. Our dad met my mum when my brother was 3 so he doesn’t remember life without her. We grew up thinking that she was his mum and weren’t told otherwise until we were teenagers. I was actually told a few years after my brother, there’s nearly 6 years between us. It’s been very traumatic for us both and we’ve had a lot of therapy and everything is pretty good now. So whilst it is extremely important that your little boy knows about his dad, the other children need to understand it as well.

Absolutely this, I was adopted and have always been glad that I just 'knew', rather than having it sprung on me unexpectedly.

Don't use the term "real dad", use more matter of fact terms, like dad and dad. Like, this man was your dad when you started growing in my tummy, but he died and I was sad, but then (partner) chose to be your dad because he knew you were special and he loves you.

Also, your partner (and you if applicable) needs to move past whatever bad feelings you have towards the dad. Saying there is no photo of him up because partner doesn't want it is not good enough. Your son needs to know his roots.

You could look up the advice provided for parents of donor conceived children for tips on what to say and how to describe nature/nature. Although your situation wasn't with a donor, the outcome for your son is much the same - conceived by someone he won't meet and raised by someone who will always continue to be his dad.

I don't know if this is right but I'd show pictures of both "dads" and just say this is your "birth dad and this is your new dad"! They both love you very much.

They still need to tell him about his biological dad though, even if this happens.

Like others, I think it should be done asap so he always just knows and it isn't a secret.

Do the older siblings not already know?

So glad you are listening to advice and telling him now so he can grow up knowing with understanding coming along later. Once you have broached it once it will get easier.

As soon as possible, it is his life you are playing with and that is not fair