Birthday present etiquette for 7 yo present - HELP!

[SurreyCoconuts]

Is it ok to arrange a collective for cash donations for my 7 yo birthday present? I dont want to sound ungrateful but we had a lot of duplicate gifts last year, we are looking to move house and need to keep the place as tidy as possible and my son is after a few high value items. Initial feedback from a mum has been yes happy to club up together. Thinking of using the Collective platform so parents dont get informed how much they each put in. Is this socially acceptable or am I about to commit parenting protocol suicide?! PS we are putting on an expensive party for the 15-20 attending - costing £15/head.

Party cost per head is £25 not £15.

I think it's fine but as long as you word it as 'if you would like to bring a small gift' - and don't put a twee rhyming poem in it. Also I would explain that you are decluttering ready to move. I think most parents would understand.

I would have found this difficult. When my kids were little I had a box of gifts I had bought when they were reduced and we had spare cash. I wouldn't necessarily have been able to afford a cash donation so I would have had to refuse the party invite.
Maybe you could say a gift would be lovely but a fiver in a card is also fine and explain that he is saving up for something then people have the choice?

Totally get this. I wasnt expecting any set amount. A fiver would be totally fine. Just not up for lots of lego especially as he hates it. I think it would be easier to ask for £ as opposed to telling all what he doesnt like! We still have lego from two years ago unopened but we are making good use of recycling unopened gifts as we know we all do!

No, I wouldn’t do this, and wouldn’t like to be asked.

You can make suggestions like that to family but not school friends. It sounds grabby and materialistic even if you say you don’t mind if it’s “only £5”.

Some people have a stash of gifts already, others let their children choose something within a specified budget. Some aren’t in a position to do gifts at all. You’re not hosting the party in order to receive gifts, so don’t mention it at all. If someone is kind enough to give something, say thanks, but it should not be an expectation.

Sorry, I can see the attraction from your side but I'd find it uncomfortable as a parent to be asked for money. Why don't you just say no gifts?

I think it's fine. I'd word it, 'Please don't feel you have to bring presents as we are currently clearing out for our impending house move (a card or just good wishes would be lovely), but if you'd like to, small gifts or a small donation to [new [bike/toy/whatever your DC is saving for] would be gratefully received." Hopefully that should stop you receiving any large plastic junk.

People have asked for cash gifts a few times in our class group (one mum is very open that they have a small house and can't physically fit anything more in it), and it's never caused offence but it's nice as the giver if you are giving a contribution towards something in particular, rather than just giving cash. So I'd be clear on what the money will be spent on.

No, I wouldn't do this. I agree that children's parties are hideously expensive (unless you host at home and do the food and entertainment yourself), but £15pp is a standard cost, so I wouldn't imply anywhere that you're shelling out for an expensive party.

I hate buying presents for other peoples kids! Someone suggesting/asking for money instead is preferable and it wouldn’t put me of at all.

In our circles, usually a parent who is not the party provider asks if the party child would like anything in particular that people would like to contribute towards and then if people want to join in they can, or do their own thing. It is a bit better to be done this way rather than the party provider specifying what to do. I think that’s still considered rude imo as some prefer to buy something specific for that child, or re-gift, or just come along if they can’t afford a gift.

So I would be ok with this, as long as it felt optional eg if I did have a gift already or was going to regift something, I’d still feel able to. In many cases, money as a gift saves me time and effort so it would be an easy option for me.

But you'd have to word it so you weren't saying ‘no physical gifts, only money’ because that would feel limiting and a bit pressurised. Maybe something like, ‘A few people have asked about gifts, honestly X is just delighted about the party itself, but if you want to give a gift and you're stuck for something to get, I know he'd love a contribution towards x gift’.

Personally I think this is rude. One mum did this last year at our school and despite many saying it was fine a lot of talk went on behind her back about how cheeky she had been

If you ask of course people are going to say it's ok - but it isn't

I would state - gifts unecessary as we are packing to move.
And friends will nut it out for them selves by either giving a fiver, just a card or feeling fine to come with no gift.

I would say no gifts please - then you probably will get some cash.
I would hate to feel obliged to give to a collection, but would probably put a fiver in a card if you said no gifts.

I always message or ask a parent what their child likes or what characters they are into in order to hopefully pick a present they would like. If I had a message back asking for cash as they were saving up to buy something I would be happy enough to put cash in the card.

I really don’t think you can do this other than for close family. It seems so grabby. It doesn’t matter what you’re spending per head, that’s your choice and for your DC

I think part of children's parties is children learning to give / receive gifts graciously. Cash from relatives fine, but low cost gifts from friends is part of the fun.
(Or am I just old fashioned?)

This. Of if another parent can offer to do a collect that others can join if they like.

I wish this was a thing. I don't want any more plastic shite in my house. Whereas £50 could pay for a day out somewhere.

We put on invites something along the lines of ‘all DC would like is for their friends to come and celebrate with them and no gifts are necessary. If you really want to give something, they are saving for a new bike/scooter etc and would be happy with very small contribution.’

Fortunately another parent started asking before me but once one did, it became the norm and is what everyone does. So much easier for me to put money in a card too for other parties!

I think this is fine. We do this with class parties- one of the other mums on the class WhatsApp will say "soandso wants a big present this year so I'm collecting for them" and thats what we do. If you can recruit a friend to do it it's much easier!

It’s makes perfect sense to do this but you just can’t.

I agree. And many people buy gifts for kids parties throughout the year when they see things on offer etc otherwise it gets extremely expensive if your children are going to parties most weeks. Asking for money instead means the parents have to find extra money they may not have expect to

No, just ask for no gifts at all, if you don’t want lots of random things, that’s what we did for our wedding. . It doesn’t matter how much the party is costing you, not relevant at all.

If you are splashing out £500 on a party I think it's a bit cheeky to ask for a cash contribution to a big present as well. If you don't want gifts just say no gifts! The environment will thank you