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Parenting

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Ex totally rejected our baby boy

98 replies

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 16:08

So my ex decided when I was pregnant. He wants nothing to do with our baby, baby is born and is nearly 3 months old and he hasn't changed his mind and has blocked me, so he is pretty much uncontactable.
I just can't accept it, I feel so bad and so upset for my baby boy, he'll never have his dad cuddle him or kiss him, play with him, comfort hlm, how can you reject your child, a baby, an innocent little child, I can't wrap my head around it. I just cannot accept it. It plays on my mind day and night

OP posts:
bluebee17 · 07/07/2024 16:49

You can't force someone to be in a parent. This most you can ask for at this point is that he doesn't fight you on child maintenance

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 16:49

@tomketchup I'm sorry my thread bothers you so much but you don't have to comment you can simply scroll by

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 07/07/2024 16:49

You have no choice but to deal with the fact that your ex isn’t interested.

You need to let it go because you’ll never get an acceptable reason why he’s rejected his child. The sad fact is that men in the UK can and do this every day and may even have future children too.

It’s going to be difficult explaining it to your son one day but you are strong and will be amongst the millions who have had that conversation.

💐 💐

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LizzeyBenett · 07/07/2024 16:49

I didn't know my dad till I was 10 , my mam was everything not easy on her of course I realise now after having my own but I was so perfectly happy just the two of us I genuinely never realised I should have a dad or that my friends did and I didn't . I don't particularly like my dad I think he is a very selfish person and hated him
And I mean absolutely hated him when he came back into our lives. So please be assured if that's the type of person your ex is your baby is so much better off without as they aren't ever going to give him the love affection and attention a child needs and deserves . Of I was in your shoes I wouldn't let them anywhere near my child they made their choice and they wouldn't get to inflict any further damage.

tomketchup · 07/07/2024 16:49

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 16:49

@tomketchup I'm sorry my thread bothers you so much but you don't have to comment you can simply scroll by

it bothers me insofar as you’re not claiming what is rightfully your son’s

JurassicClark · 07/07/2024 16:55

Claim CMS immediately, it’s money you son can benefit from.

It is far better to have no contact from a useless deadbeat than have him in and out of your son’s life letting him down, confusing him and doing emotional damage.

littlemousebigcheese · 07/07/2024 16:57

He sounds like a dick
Claim child maintenance- you'd be a fool not to

BreatheAndFocus · 07/07/2024 16:58

Forget him. You can’t make someone be a parent if they don’t want to, and it’s better having a dad you don’t see, than a crap waste of space disappointing his child and causing stress.

Don’t feel sorry for your son. He’ll be fine. Concentrate on modelling resilience and in being a great mum. Your son will form relationships with other members of your family and won’t miss his dad. He won’t be alone in his situation.

I do wonder if part of your over-focussing on this man is not just because of your son, but because you’re mourning for the future with him that you thought you’d have. Why else wouldn’t you apply for maintenance? Are you hoping he’ll come back? Put all of that out of your mind and enjoy your baby xx

BouquetGarni224 · 07/07/2024 17:00

Let me tell you how I come to this conclusion about him as a person;

He relies on withdrawal for contraception
He doesn't stick to the withdrawal for contraception.
He doesn't suggest you get the MAP or express any opposition to the early pregnancy for 3 long months.
He lets you/encourages you to continue the pregnancy, then decides he doesn't fancy it when you've completed your first trimester
He suggested you have an abortion, a trimester into a pregnancy.
He fucked off.
He let you go through a pregnancy and give birth without the father there.
He hasn't seen his child once.
He doesn't pay anything towards his child.

So ..... He's a no integrity, irresponsible, flakey, changeable, foolish, scummy, immature, selfish, immoral piece of shit.

So, why do you want him around your previous, lovely child?????

He can have positive father figures eg granddad, uncle, teacher, cousin, footie coach, perhaps a partner of yours (who is introduced after a loooong time of of proving himself).

That thing who provided the sperm, without your permission or agreement, is not a positive father figure.

Put in a CM claim.

If he wants to shoot his baby batter up women without a condom, and change his mind about wanting a child 3 months in; he can pay towards the child's upkeep so you, your family and us, the tax payer, don't have to pay for him instead.

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:04

@BouquetGarni224 all of what you said is right. I totally agree.
I think it's more that my son has been rejected and I can't understand how anyone could do that.
I earn pretty good money and won't need to claim benefits although I will need to go back to work when he is 6 months.
I will get my head round it I suppose, just not right now

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/07/2024 17:05

@BouquetGarni224 made some valid points about his actions OP.

I think you have to accept that you cannot change his mind and really it doesn't sound like he'd be a helpful addition to your life at present.

But you can help ensure a better environment for your new baby by claiming maintenance.

It is understandable that you feel hurt and have been through a difficult time, can you talk to anyone in real life about this. It might help.

Try to put the past behind you and focus on your lovely new baby and all the wonderful times you will have together. Its easier said than done but step by step.

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:08

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I don't really like talking to people I know about it, I feel foolish, guilty and judged for choosing to be with someone who is clearly a waste of space and completely abnormal to be able to do this.

OP posts:
starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:09

One of my friends made a comment about, how I should have known what he was like, I was with him long enough.

OP posts:
BouquetGarni224 · 07/07/2024 17:09

Let me give you an insight into facilitating contact with a dead beat Dad, which is what he's proven himself to be to date.

I dated a guy whose neighbour was a single Mum with a deadbeat father for her kids. The Dad was due to take the son to a football match on a coach with lots of people from their small town. The son was excited about it for months beforehand. He was dressed and ready for the coach, the Dad let the Mum know he wasn't turning up, with some excuse.

The excuses was BS. His life, latest gf, sex life, drinking etc was his priority.

The Mum had other younger kids and couldn't take the boy on the coach to the match. It was too late to get to arrange someone else to take him, and he didn't want to go with someone else anyway.
He was the only one who didn't go to the match.

The Mum told my ex she spent hours trying to calm her devastated, upset, angry son down. Trying to prevent him from injuring himself by flailing, kicking and knocking his head off his bunk bed. She had to deal with this while trying to look after her younger child too.

That's a snap shot of life when you try to get dead beat shitty men to be Dads, even occasionally.

Don't worry about him, just try to get the money he owes you.

Incidentally the way he treated you, in a relationship of two years, was appalling too.

tomketchup · 07/07/2024 17:10

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:09

One of my friends made a comment about, how I should have known what he was like, I was with him long enough.

what was he like during the couple of years you were together?

gardenmusic · 07/07/2024 17:10

Do you know for sure that his parents (child's grandparents) do not want to know?
Re maintenance, claim it. If you do not want it, put it away for your son, because he will want it.

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:12

@tomketchup he was almost perfect but she says I should of been able to see what he was like

OP posts:
starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:13

@BouquetGarni224

That is awful, I wouldn't want my boy to be put through that. In that sort of situation he would be much better without him in his life: I don't suppose I'll ever comprehend why he is like this, he will miss out on my beautiful boys life

OP posts:
tomketchup · 07/07/2024 17:13

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:12

@tomketchup he was almost perfect but she says I should of been able to see what he was like

when you say “almost perfect”
what does this mean in practice?

do you have any support op?

tomketchup · 07/07/2024 17:14

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:13

@BouquetGarni224

That is awful, I wouldn't want my boy to be put through that. In that sort of situation he would be much better without him in his life: I don't suppose I'll ever comprehend why he is like this, he will miss out on my beautiful boys life

he won’t
why?
because i’d wager when he becomes more interesting to your ex…. then he will be wanting time with him.

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:14

@gardenmusic I only met his parents a handful of times, o doubt they even know about him to be honest t

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 17:15

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 16:32

@AnneLovesGilbert I haven't put a claim for child maintenance in as of yet, I'm on the fence as to whether to or not.

You must, for your child's sake.

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 17:16

@tomketchup he was everything I ever wanted in a man, the only time we argued was when he got jealous, which wasn't a lot, I thought we'd be together forever.

I have support but I don't like talking about it to people I know; I feel judged

OP posts:
Poolstream · 07/07/2024 17:17

BouquetGarni224 · 07/07/2024 17:09

Let me give you an insight into facilitating contact with a dead beat Dad, which is what he's proven himself to be to date.

I dated a guy whose neighbour was a single Mum with a deadbeat father for her kids. The Dad was due to take the son to a football match on a coach with lots of people from their small town. The son was excited about it for months beforehand. He was dressed and ready for the coach, the Dad let the Mum know he wasn't turning up, with some excuse.

The excuses was BS. His life, latest gf, sex life, drinking etc was his priority.

The Mum had other younger kids and couldn't take the boy on the coach to the match. It was too late to get to arrange someone else to take him, and he didn't want to go with someone else anyway.
He was the only one who didn't go to the match.

The Mum told my ex she spent hours trying to calm her devastated, upset, angry son down. Trying to prevent him from injuring himself by flailing, kicking and knocking his head off his bunk bed. She had to deal with this while trying to look after her younger child too.

That's a snap shot of life when you try to get dead beat shitty men to be Dads, even occasionally.

Don't worry about him, just try to get the money he owes you.

Incidentally the way he treated you, in a relationship of two years, was appalling too.

It’s terrible.
My cousin’s ex promised to visit their ds on his 7 th birthday.
He sat on the stairs until 10 pm waiting.
He was convinced his df would come.
11 years later that boy got a place at Oxford and suddenly his df thinks he’s the bees knees.

Some men are self serving, utter shits.

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 17:17

starlight1111 · 07/07/2024 16:44

He will never know his other set of grandparents

Who cares.
It would just have been another headfuck of arranging contact.