Ex Husband not sending back DD’s school uniform

[AddamsFamily]

I know there’s been a similar message on this thread, but my issue is with school uniform being kept back. For years I’ve struggled with my daughters’s dad keeping lovely clothes that I’ve sent my daughter to him in. Then having her return in clothes that are too small or just old hand me downs that are of the wrong gender or size etc. My daughter would look so unkept and unloved, that we would get glances from people when we were out with her following pick up. When it came to sending her back or her being picked up on a non-school day, we wouldn’t feel right making her wearing uncomfortable or small clothing and she would ask us not to. She would often get embarrassed about it. Of course, we sent her in our clothing and it wouldn’t return.

Nowadays, she’s picked up on a Friday after school by dad, so is wearing her school uniform. For a while now, the situation has been that she returns with their clothing on and no uniform to speak of. When asked about the missing uniform, we’re told that it will be looked for, sent back, isn’t there, hasn’t been seen or will check the washing pile etc. It never returns. This has gotten worse, so I now have to replace her uniform each week. The entire outfit each week will never return and this over the course of a month is costing me a fortune. My daughter says that she’s seen clothing bits on occasions and has asked to bring them home, only to be told no.

Over the last 4 weeks, I’ve sent an updated reminder list each week of the uniform which hasn’t been returned. I’ve included an image of my daughter in the uniform before going to her dads, sizing, names in labels and brand descriptions etc. She’s lost 4 black PE hoodies in 4 weeks, so 1 per week along with everything else. Last night I asked that he bring the uniform id bought this month back today at drop off.

He arrived and said that he’d forgotten it all. I sent a message to our group chat (with both stepparents and parents on it) to say that we were struggling to fund all of the uniform that doesn’t come home. I confirmed that my daughter now had no uniform left and needed the whole lot to be bought again (I’d lost an outfit per week and most things come in packs of 2, so I get 2 packs of 2). I asked that we both go halves in buying the school uniform from now on. Then I asked that on a Friday night, my daughters dad let’s her get changed out of her uniform at home or school (we live beside the school) and that the school uniform is left here. That was it isn’t lost.

The reply was that my daughter's step mum had asked her ex husband to drop the missing uniform off tonight. He’s not long been and I was handed a small bag of uniform items that were ‘lost’ last year and now don’t fit. Nothing from this year that fits. I’ve now asked three times about items being replaced and going halves and they continue to ignore that bit. They’ve also ignored the request to drop off bits. At a loss as to what to do 😭

I’d be astonished if school didn’t let Dd change before being picked up on a Friday. Would those clothes be less likely to “get lost” than uniform? At the very least it should be cheaper
what an absolutely prick

presume turning up at his and banging on his door until he presented all the lost stuff (ideally when your daughter is not around) is a non starter

If the school doesn't let her change, I agree with sending her to school in leggings and a t-shirt/shorts/joggers that day. You could get a job lot and 'match' them with the colour of the school PE kit to make it more legitimate. Better she has the correct uniform for 4 days than no uniform at all.

He sounds like an absolute idiot.

Can dd take her uniform off and put it straight into her bag.

Put clothes on she's brought either her and wear the same clothes home?

Did you say your ex's new partners ex took your dds uniform to yours?

He sounds bonkers. What on earth is he doing with all the uniform?

Agree with asking to change end of day Friday - or maybe ask permission for DD to go in cheap leggings & polo on that day. Maybe they would allow her to change at lunch time.

There seem to be some men who are controlling to the detriment of their own children & it's really unpleasant tbh.

If the school can’t help, I would send him an email or text detailing how many uniform pieces have been lost, the total cost of replacement, and say that due to the expense you have no choice but to change his custody schedule. That way it is all in one place summarized.

Let him go to court and explain why he can’t return a bag with some clothing or can’t be bothered to keep his child all the way to Monday morning.

I think the only way to get this idiot to understand is to do the following
Pick up dd on Friday. Go home and change into basic set of leggings and top or do this in school loos. Drop off at his. Do not provide other clothes.

Send email explaining that you cannot afford to lose anymore uniform. Send him details of school uniform suppliers so he can get his own sets. Be charming but clear in your email so that no one can reproach you.

It sounds like your only option is to ensure she can get changed at school. Wraparound care might be tricky if, like you say, school folk will be charmed by him. I wonder how they would respond if you put this post into an email to them. Your ex must have a trophy cupboard full of uniform of the right size, in fantastic condition. The sheer effort of going hunting for last year's uniform that was too small to give you, instead of relinquishing his vicelike grip on the correct uniform, absolutely blows my mind. The guy could have a hobby, he could have learned a foreign language or taken up golf. I'm so sorry.

In my situation, my kids come to me in uniform mid-week and they go to their dad's on a Sunday in casual clothes. I wash and dry the uniform and hand it over. Instead of there being a school uniform issue, there is a casual clothes issue. A steady stream of it walks out of my house on a Sunday and never returns. That's 104 outfits a year. 104 tshirts, 104 pairs of joggers or jeans. Since we divorced, it has cost me a small fortune. In the holidays, they'll come here in casual clothes that are often old or too small - nobody is there sorting through drawers and getting rid of things that no longer fit (that was something I did).

I did raise it and said it was starting to cause me quite a lot of stress because I couldn't afford it. If we say for argument's sake that an outfit for a kid is anywhere between £8-15 (Asda etc ftw) then I've spent between £2,496 - £4,680 on clothes for the children in three years.

I ask for clothes and sometimes get a bag of jogggers or a bag of wrinkled old t-shirts. But I know I've bought them stuff in good nick and looked after it and I feel a sense of despair in the pit of my stomach at how little control I have, and how exploited/disrespected I feel. It churns me up into this nameless, hopeless rage that is quite bleak. For me, I could get the kids to go home in school uniform on a Sunday morning but it just feels really unfair to do that. Maybe I'm being a soft arse. I just want life to feel normal for them.

I get it, Op. I get it. I'd like to give you a big hug and a huge glass of wine. It sucks.

@DidILeaveTheGasOn I wonder what would happen if you took your ex to the small claims court for the value of the clothes he has kept. Ugh these men make me so cross.

For anyone who thinks going to court will be a way to resolve this issue, of course it could but it may make things worse. if you have time and inclination to read the entire report, the Ministry of Justice produced this in 2020. The family court is deeply, deeply dysfunctional and in my opinion has only got more jammed up, overloaded and fucked up since 2020. im not saying the OP shouldn’t apply, but the idea that its going to be fair, reasonable, child centred or that they will definitely care about missing uniforms when they dismiss serious violence and abuse…

“Every year, the family courts deal with thousands of cases involving the most vulnerable people in our society. As a Government, we have a clear duty to protect all who rely on the courts, and to make sure that no one is endangered by a system that should keep them safe.
In June 2020, we published the final report of the Expert Panel on ‘Assessing Risk of Harm to Children and Parents in Private Law Children Cases’, which was set up to look at how well the family courts protect children and parents in private law proceedings. As the vast majority of evidence given to the Panel involved domestic abuse cases, this became the report’s focus.
Despite finding some good practice and well-intentioned staff, the Panel exposed deep- seated systemic failings which, in the worst cases, put victims of domestic abuse and their children at risk.
The Panel found that too often, adversarial court proceedings retraumatised victims. Allegations of domestic abuse were too readily disbelieved or dismissed, alongside poor risk assessments and siloed working. The report also identified a view amongst many respondents that courts often placed an undue emphasis on ensuring children had contact with both parents.…”

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/646e0e577dd6e7000ca9b2f8/harm-panel-delivery-update.pdf

This is utterly unprofessional! I realise it may be too late to report them now but in future I'd make sure meetings are arranged/confirmed via email with explicit instructions that these conversations are not to be relayed to dad.

Definitely speak to school, it's not as though she needs help getting changed so I think they'd be really unreasonable to say no to her getting changed out of her uniform. As others have said, cc in the governors & well-being lead if your school have one.

Maybe it's time to reduce contact to every other weekend & pick-ups are done on a Saturday morning rather than Friday? And perhaps you make clear that she can get changed in to the clothes she has a his on the Sunday & you'll return them on her next visit.

Although it would obviously be cheaper to buy everyday clothes and less embarrassing for your DD, I fear that he would do the same with ordinary clothes: whatever you send her in, he will steal/hide and force her into uncomfortable too-small or otherwise unsuitable clothes for when he sends her back to you.

What is it with these disgusting men who hate their ex so much that they will punish their own children to get back at her?

If he is returning her on Sunday he must be returning in a set of home-clothes each week. What is happening to those? Are you giving them back to him? If so stop returning them until he returns yours. If he asks text him back one of the messages he’s sent you about looking for it. If he still refuses sell his clothes on Vinted and use the money to buy more uniform…..

My ex did this.

But no more....pick up is now from home Friday evening.
The clothes they are sent home wearing on the Sunday are the ones they wear back on Friday....it's only ex's outfits going round & round.
The clothes are usually small, old, stained hand-me-downs....kids don't seem to care so washed & back on them they go!

No more criticism of what I buy/provide etc hurrah 🤣

You could always send DD to school Friday wearing dad's outfit from Sunday.

I bet you DD won't care. Tell school the reason why

If I understand correctly, she is being returned in clothes that are badly worn or too small.

But surely those will run out pretty quickly if she starts keeping them? He can’t have that many old clothes if he’s not buying any!

After a few weeks he’ll have to either return in her new clothes or in school uniform. Keeping his stuff makes it his problem instead of hers….

Id be tempted to ask him on the group chat if he has sought counselling as he appears to either be struggling to get over the ending of your marriage or their house is so chaotic and unkempt they cannot find uniform only 2 days later. I would also mention both to the school so they can direct him to the correct services.

I am surprised his wife puts up with it -personally I couldn’t live with a man who is still struggling with his marriage breakdown. If a man wasn’t 100% responsible for their child I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole).

I would encourage dd to change in the school loos into the clothes he sent her home in on the Sunday and either give the uniform to her friends mum or leave in her peg/in her locker.

She will remember this - he’s a fool.

He could be getting them from anywhere - charity shops, jumble sales, clothing bins, begging on Facebook, 'borrowing' them from washing lines. Who knows?

It's not that difficult to get hold of children's clothes if you don't care what age/sex, how clean, how good condition, how appropriate they are.

personally i'd be sending her to school friday wearing those!

I'd be tempted to do that too, but OP understandably doesn't want to cause upset for her daughter.

He seems to be hanging onto the girl's clothes until they're too small for her and - as others have said - it's not that difficult to get clothes from jumble sales or charity shops.

He really is a piece of work.

As she's in primary school I'd be telling the school that she won't be wearing uniform on Fridays because her dad loses the uniform every weekend.