Ex Husband not sending back DD’s school uniform

[AddamsFamily]

I know there’s been a similar message on this thread, but my issue is with school uniform being kept back. For years I’ve struggled with my daughters’s dad keeping lovely clothes that I’ve sent my daughter to him in. Then having her return in clothes that are too small or just old hand me downs that are of the wrong gender or size etc. My daughter would look so unkept and unloved, that we would get glances from people when we were out with her following pick up. When it came to sending her back or her being picked up on a non-school day, we wouldn’t feel right making her wearing uncomfortable or small clothing and she would ask us not to. She would often get embarrassed about it. Of course, we sent her in our clothing and it wouldn’t return.

Nowadays, she’s picked up on a Friday after school by dad, so is wearing her school uniform. For a while now, the situation has been that she returns with their clothing on and no uniform to speak of. When asked about the missing uniform, we’re told that it will be looked for, sent back, isn’t there, hasn’t been seen or will check the washing pile etc. It never returns. This has gotten worse, so I now have to replace her uniform each week. The entire outfit each week will never return and this over the course of a month is costing me a fortune. My daughter says that she’s seen clothing bits on occasions and has asked to bring them home, only to be told no.

Over the last 4 weeks, I’ve sent an updated reminder list each week of the uniform which hasn’t been returned. I’ve included an image of my daughter in the uniform before going to her dads, sizing, names in labels and brand descriptions etc. She’s lost 4 black PE hoodies in 4 weeks, so 1 per week along with everything else. Last night I asked that he bring the uniform id bought this month back today at drop off.

He arrived and said that he’d forgotten it all. I sent a message to our group chat (with both stepparents and parents on it) to say that we were struggling to fund all of the uniform that doesn’t come home. I confirmed that my daughter now had no uniform left and needed the whole lot to be bought again (I’d lost an outfit per week and most things come in packs of 2, so I get 2 packs of 2). I asked that we both go halves in buying the school uniform from now on. Then I asked that on a Friday night, my daughters dad let’s her get changed out of her uniform at home or school (we live beside the school) and that the school uniform is left here. That was it isn’t lost.

The reply was that my daughter's step mum had asked her ex husband to drop the missing uniform off tonight. He’s not long been and I was handed a small bag of uniform items that were ‘lost’ last year and now don’t fit. Nothing from this year that fits. I’ve now asked three times about items being replaced and going halves and they continue to ignore that bit. They’ve also ignored the request to drop off bits. At a loss as to what to do 😭

@Donotneedit Thanks so much for your message. This is exactly what has been whizzing around my mind. The fact that every which way I can deal with it, somehow still effects/impacts the one person it shouldn’t - our daughter. That’s what is so heartbreaking, but I know that it’s the one and only thing they can use against us once control is lost.

If he has parental responsibility and no court order in place the school wouldn’t be able to stop him taking her I’m afraid.
However, as a teacher I’d be happy let a child’s in my class change before the end of the day and leave uniform.

Dear school, as you are aware dds dad doesn’t support at all with her clothing and schooling, and seems to ‘lose’ everything that goes to his house. Dd is now down 4 sets of uniform this month. I’m broke, no parent can replace uniform every week. If uniform matters to you I suggest you contact her dad and explain the importance of it, for fitting in at school and helping a child focus on learning. dd is going to come to school in plain leggings and jumpers until her uniform is returned. Once it is, I need your support for her to change on Friday afternoons so no more uniform goes to her dad’s house, this has been so stressful and expensive. I know that as a school that values children’s development and learning that you will do this for her, thank you!
Cut Him Off. Nothing goes to his house except plain cheap navy leggings and tops, all the same.

Sounds extreme but could you ring the police & tell them hes stolen your DD's clothes and is refusing to give them back? Maybe a call from the police would get him to stop

@Mirabai No, there’s no court order. I allowed contact after I left, with my daughter I mean. We came to a contact agreement based on when he felt he could see her. He wanted every week, because with it being 2 nights each week and his ‘self employed low income’ he could get away with murder with CM. I stopped contact at one point and was told I’d be taken to court and fined profusely so I maintained contact.

What about unilaterally changing the days to sat-sunday. He pucks up from your house and you send in old clothes?

@TheFormidableMrsC Good advice. I’ve already been in contact with the school and children’s services, so a meeting about the uniform problem will put it in their hands and at least means it’s formally noted. So sorry you’ve had to go through this too. Sometimes it’s nice to just talk to others who get it and have had to live it too.

@pikkumyy77 Thats a good idea thanks. I think this would be my next route to go if the school aren’t helpful with changes on site.

• Rights of Women
• Keep keeping records of what he's stealing.
• Suggest to DD that she might consider telling a teacher that her father is stealing her school uniform, to the point of taking it from her when she comes to leave his house.

Honestly, I think it's time to go hardball here. Your ex is a lazy prick who only sees his DD when it suits him - but what about when it suits you? I'd use the holidays to reset to a EOW Sat am -- Sunday night. Fuck him. Then send her in the cheapest ASDA leggings and T shirts. He'll threaten court, let him. By the time it gets there she'll be old enough for a judge to take her wishes into account, and EOW is a perfectly normal set up for DCs of her age. That way you get to keep her uniform in house and also get a bit of relaxed time with your child.

Amd refusing to give them her when she asks even going as far as taking the bag of clothes off her so she cant take them home

Does your school have any stocks of second hand clothing that you can access to replace her uniform? Or are you close enough to any of the mums with slightly bigger kids that you could offer to buy their outgrown stuff? Personally, I'd be tempted to let the situation "leak" to some of the other parents as at our school you'd then find yourself inundated with offers of everyone's second hand stuff (no one likes silly buggers who don't support their kids) but I can understand if you wouldn't like to do that.

I'd send some clothes in with your DD to change into and ask one of the other parents who you know reasonably well if they'd grab your DD's uniform from her and give it to you on Monday. I've done similar favours in different circumstances for people and it's no big deal.

I mean, the hardball option might be to call the police on him for stealing (or at least threaten to file a report)? That's what he's doing essentially.

Please make sure you mention going to Governers. They do not like that at all.

I think you should get a contact order. It will stop all this shite. I did it myself.

@Donotneedit This is not my experience of court as a self repper. I also went through years and years of it with not only my ex husband who is a narcissist but alongside his OW who is an abusive psychopath. Their behaviour meant contact ended and she ended up with a prohibited steps order. So I wouldn't hesitate to apply for a contact order in this instance to have things formalised and for the uniform issue to be addressed.

If it was me I’d be telling him that pick-up on Fridays will be at your home from say 4pm. No discussion needs to take place as you have tried to sort this amicably several times.
This gives you chance to get her changed. He’s a bully and will be enjoying the drama particularly your distress.
Make an appointment to discuss things with dds headteacher asap. You can explain the situation in full including the new arrangement for contact. Confirm you will be picking Dd up every Friday. Take copy documents as proof of necessary such as emails. messages, receipts etc.
I would get to school very early on a Friday and If he turns up you can explain again you are taking her home to quickly get her changed. He’s unlikely to cause a scene at school as it would reveal his real character in a public place.
I think any more requests and discussions will only feed his desire to manipulate and play mind games. You can’t try and reason with people like this.
This slight change to the contact arrangements isn’t unreasonable
or detrimental to dad. It’s practical as you live near school and it means you get to see Dd before she goes to her dads for the rest of the weekend.
If Dad complains, ask him for specific reasons why it’s an issue. It’s in dds best interests to have the correct school uniform every day of the week. She also shouldn’t have to worry about things going missing or being removed from her. She will be very uncomfortable and aware of conflict between her parents every time this happens .
Dad is not behaving in her best interests. I’m sure there are other instances you can refer to. I’d be tempted to tell him to take you to Court if he’s not happy with the change. You will not be fined for making a slight change such as this.You aren’t stopping him from seeing her. He will be the unreasonable one as it makes no difference to his contact time. It’s pointless taking it to Court due to legal costs and will make him look petty. He’s relying on you believing his lies. He will say anything to manipulate you. Please get some legal advice in the future before you believe any of his nonsense.
I hope this gets sorted asap OP. It’s shows how low some people will sink to cause conflict and will disregard a child’s’ needs and feelings in the process.

Sounds like you have some good solutions lined up OP so I don’t have much to contribute except to say that
your ex sounds like an utter prat.

A friend who also had a narcissistic ex gave me excellent advice when I was separating. She said to buy a cheap diary at the start of each year and use it only to record his problematic behaviour.

So in your case you could write down every time a piece of uniform/clothing goes missing and the cost to replace. Also note if he returns the clothing once it is too small. Plus obviously any other incidents. Over time it becomes a very helpful record if you find yourself looking at a court case.

yes, same here unfortunately almost word (apart from the OW- what a nightmare you’ve had :/ ) but from in our case serious issues were minimised and dismissed and I have ptsd from it. Our story is a cautionary tale, it sounds like you had a more positive experience.

What a bloody annoying situation! As well as asking the school for help, could your dd keep a cheap outfit in her desk at school, get changed before she leaves school on Friday and leave the uniform there? You'd need one spare set for Monday but hopefully could just rotate between the two sets?

Be strong OP.

I am very sorry this is happening to you both. When children are used by one of the parents to hurt the other one it’s such a shame.

Your ExH is failing to see he is hurting his own daughter and that in itself shows the kind of abusive person he is.

If he has PR then the school cannot, legally, prevent him from collecting her without a court order.

My Dds went to school on their Dads day in Primark leggings and a cheap polo shirt. Would the school allow that? I had to do that for 12 months until I eventually got the contact order changed to eow Saturday morning pick up, Sunday evening drop off.
At that point the school could prevent him collecting them without might say-so as well as it was in the order that I had then weekdays.

It’s never wise to try to organise divorce contact with an abusive man yourself. You don’t have anything to lose by going to court.

If he wanted to go for 50:50 he’d have to drive her to school and back himself which he clearly does not want to do, so in this situation he may well end up with EOW. This would limit the uniform problem.

Just wanted to say this is so frustrating! My ex is like this except I eventually get massive piles of clothes back. In the winter my ex will stockpile thermals and stockings, continuing to send my daughter back to school with in summer socks and no thermal. After much much nagging I get these back. At least I always get the actual school uniform back as it is a pick up and drop off to school. My son will also be sent to preschool in clothes that are too small for him, I used to pack a bag with two changes of clothes but now I only send one as ex was using the spares out of the bag and none was coming home. I now have to have folder with pictures of sons preschool clothes so he can’t gaslight me and pretend not to know what I am talking about. I can’t wait for son to start school in this regard as I have to have way too much clothing for him to manage ex wierd stockpiling of clothes.

The strangest thing about ex is that he will completely deny having an item of clothing…then will send me a picture of the kids on an outing or doing an activity when with him and THEY ARE WEARING THE CLOTHES.