I accidentally hurt my child

[AnxMummy]

A few years ago in lockdown I accidentally hurt my 2.5 year old and still feel really awful about the incident.DH and I were going through a really stressful time with DS 2.5 years old and our 8month old in lockdown with no family support. DH had just had an anxiety attack and taken time off work. We were both experiencing sleepless nights with a baby and toddler and DS use to at times be challenging.
On this day we went out for a nice walk with our children and on the return home I popped in a small corner shop with DS and brought him a pack of purple sweets. When we left he got upset and said he wanted the blue pack so DH agreed to have the purple pack so DS could get the blue ones. We went back and brought the blue ones. When we left DS had another meltdown saying he wanted something else. We told him he could only have the purple or blue. DS cried and refused to go home. After some time we slowly headed home with him still crying and stopping several times refusing to walk. This seemed to have gone on for what seemed like forever at the time. Both DH and I were tired and annoyed with him. It started to rain so DH took our 8 month old out the buggy and said he wasn’t going to deal with this and was heading home. I remember feeling really angry with him for walking off and not helping me, which was the case for most of lockdown when things got challenging.
I finally managed to get DS to sit in the buggy and raced home walking straight into a hedge alongside the road which had some brambles sticking out which hit the buggy hood and bounced back and hit DS in the face scraping him quite badly just below his eye around the upper cheek causing some a couple of blood graze marks . DS screamed crying from pain and DH who was further ahead raced back angry and shouting at me for hurting our child as it could have hit him in his eye. He asked me why I walked right into the bramble and said I must have seen it. I honestly can’t remember if I did and just didn’t care as I was fed up and wanted to get home or didn’t see it. I know I felt really really awful and worried I had hurt him.
DH then left me with our 8month old and carried DS home. At home DS and I cuddled and watched a movie while DH had a nap with the baby. Thankfully DS was ok and it never left any scaring.

It has been many years since this happened and it still really upsets me when I remember how I had hurt him and wonder if I caused the injury intentionally or not. How do you repair from this?

All these replies definitely demonstrating you are not alone! I think in a paradoxical way it might help you to allow it to be ok that you were angry with him? We all feel the rage sometimes, it's not exactly like you deliberately hurt him, but maybe a part of you was feeling so upset and flustered and cross that you weren't thinking clearly, and you need to forgive yourself for having those feelings. Also, if you are really dwelling/ruminating this many years later, then it might be an anxiety thing that could be helped by the GP/a therapist. Sometimes anxiety latches onto one thing but is a sign of a bigger issue rather than really about the thing you are anxious about. https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/rumination/

I accidentally hit my toddler DD in the face - hard - while trying to catch her as she fell. I felt guilty for months and months, long after she'd well and truly forgotten it. These things happen, OP, be kind to yourself x

I'm just impressed that is the only time you've hurt your child like that!
Honestly I mean this nicely but you'll do more damage from being the perfect parent and never getting anything wrong then you will from messing things up sometimes and showing your children that it's not making you a bad person.
I wonder if he issue is that you were frazzled and effectively think that you took it out on your child and that makes you a monster. It doesn't, and if you are still stressed out by it after weeks let alone years it's good that you W starting to open up and process it.

Thank you everyone for all your messages and for all your love and support. DH has never mentioned the incident since it happened, sadly I’m a ruminator and think a lot about my experiences.
This one upsets me the most because we were in such a bad place. DH had a lot of anxiety and was depressed during lockdown and ended up signing off work for a while as he would have anxiety attacks. Nursery was closed so our DS was home all the time with the baby and we had no family support near us. I think DS was suffering too and craving our attention and his challenging behaviour was a reflection of that which we didn’t recognise. It must have been hard for him to no longer be our sole focus now that he had a sibling and was unable to see his friends or family with the lockdown restrictions.
If I’m honest I think what upsets me the most is I chose to walk straight into the hedge rushing to get home and into the bramble branch, so was that an accident? or was I angry with him and DH at the time that I hurt him by my rash and stupid decision?
I always try my best to be a good mother and make them feel loved unconditionally and hope they do know that

Years ago I accidentally shut my toddler's fingers in a door that locked behind us. It was truly hideous, yet I'm not going to give any more info because I don't want to come across as finding excuses or mitigation. It happened. I did it. I felt dreadfully guilty at the time. But I also know that I did my best in looking after my child throughout the incident and after. And that I did a good job.

It's never been a secret in the family. There are plenty of photos with the dc's hand bandaged. The dc recovered fully, and the story of how mum trapped their fingers became part of our family legend. Through that openness and acceptance the horrible, distressing memory has been completely detoxified.

Own what happened. Accept it. Recognise that you are still a good enough mother. And move on.

Give yourself a break. These things happen. It was an accident and tbh your DH wasn't helping.
When my DC was about 3 were heading for nursery. DC was walking along side me pushing the pram with baby brother in it. Suddenly DC ran in front of the pram and it knocked him over . He wailed a bit but wasn't hurt. When we got to nursery DC loudly announced that " mummy ran me over with the pram" 🤣🤣

Every parent will accidentally hurt their child and we just have to be grateful when it's not a bad injury

That instinct you feel means you're a good parent. It's there to make sure you become more aware as it's easy to make a mistake and cause an accident with kids.

None of us are judging you and it sounds like DH doesn't either so please try forgive yourself. Cut off the thought next time by taking back control and tell yourself that's the past, you're not going to think about that now

My mum once accidentally closed the car boot onto my head. I survived with a bit of a bump, and still love her more than anything. I think these things happen to everyone. It sounds like a horribly stressful day for you though.

She didn’t go through it as a punishment indeed she cannot remember her thought process around it at all and I suspect she wasn’t thinking or expected the brambles not to hit him

we all make rash choices sometimes with varying consequences this had one that though bad hasn’t caused lasting damage other than to uiu

hiw is your DH anxiety now

@TheButteredBiscuit

What's it like on your pedestal for being a perfect parent who's never lost patience or had an accident?

Must be absolutely shit if you're spending time knocking someone down for an accident or a brief loss of patience.

Enjoy your high horse, You never know when you'll fall off it.

I disagree more likely because she was angry she didn’t see the bush and just kept walking straight on, anger tends to be quite an overwhelming emotion which caused you not to think. Therefore on seeing the bush she didn’t go through the process of risk assessing walking that way and the chances of an accident happening. Her guilt is because of that

what you are describing the punishment is a different emotional response one that comes from cold hard rational thinking

Oh give over. I feel guilty for putting him down when he was crying for all of ten seconds which I never do /did. As I said I didn't shout or raise my voice. I'm a bloody fantastic mum. Get a grip, pathetic coming on on a forum to beat other women down. Sort yourself out.

Thank you, it was a rash decision and I wasn’t thinking. I wanted to just get home as soon as possible and I believed he was ok as he was in the buggy with the hood up.

It always upsets me that my thoughtless decision that day led to him getting hurt by a bramble branch. DH said at the time I told him I was rushing to get home and did not think the bramble branch would hit him in the buggy.

During lockdown DH was finishing off his studies, he working and trying his best to support us. Things got too much for hi
and led to him having several anxiety attacks and taking some time off work. With his studies finished he has a lot less pressure and is in a much better place.

I was once so tired I tried to fold my pram with baby still in it! I thought I had broken his arm. It was horrible. He's a teenager now and laughs at the story.

I think at the time he had rushed past the bramble branch and thought to warn me but carried on. DS was crying in pain and I think that led to him reacting in this way. He is very supportive and always tells me I’m a good mother

Thank you, I will look her up. Lockdown was incredibly hard, I hope things are much better for you now and DC

Thank you for that perspective, I never thought of looking at it like that

Thank you for sharing this. I do ruminate over everything, I’m not sure why but I have done for years. It is something DH and I have discussed many times and I do think I may need some help/support with this.

i bit my child’s finger, hard, a couple of years ago. He was very generously sharing a sweet with me, popped it in my mouth, and I misjudged (thought his finger was out of my mouth when it wasn’t, and chomped down on it). I felt doubly guilty because he was being kind and got bitten for his efforts!

It hasn’t affected him, he occasionally teases me about it but understands it was an accident.

I’m sorry OP sent that message to you. You are a fantastic mum. Lockdown was incredibly hard for many of us.

I think that is the issue, like you said I was frazzled and looking back I question if being in that state I did I take it out on my child.
I’m not perfect but I do try my best to be a good mother to DC

You didn’t take it out on your child - your thought processes and emotions caused you not to think rationally and logically about a potential risk but you didn’t take it out on your child. Your DH was also acting in a similar way in that he didn’t properly warn of the risk either
this can happen in emotionally charged states
should you learn from it and recognise if you feel like this again to calm down breathe and see if you can get an equilibrium back

bit there is no long term damage or harm and most parent shave some form of incident from falling off a bed/whacking child on the door frame/dropping I phone etc