9 months of high needs baby

[NewMomma21]

Im not really sure why I’m posting, maybe in the hopes of hearing some positive experiences from people who’ve been through the same.

My DS is 9 months old and has been a very high needs baby since birth. I’m just so exhausted from it all. The constant noise of him crying and whinging all day long. He wakes early (usually before 6) and until he goes to bed before 7, he complains. He is never happy. I can’t bear the relentless noise anymore. I have waited month after month for some kind of improvement and it hasn’t materialised. I’ve tried everything, baby wearing etc and nothing has worked in any substantial way.

Has anyone had a relentlessly grumpy baby that just stayed like this? It’s just so hard

Mine got better and better.
Once he was running and jumping, he improved massively.
And from preschool age onwards, he's (generally) been a total delight. We are currently half way through the teen years, and I'm still waiting for the awfulness that many say come with teens. Hold in there. He will get there (except for the early starts, they have remained!).

Thanks so much for your reply. So glad to hear your DS improved. Was he very high needs as a baby? What age did you start to see an improvement?

Thank you again

He was hideous as a baby! Although the sling did help in our case. I still remember telling the midwife that he had fed for 15 hours and slept for about 3. He NEVER slept for more than an hour, and then screamed for about 2. When be hit about 1, and I was regularly getting a 4 hour block of sleep, I became much more pleasant too!!!
Weaning improved things, crawling improved things. But running and climbing made the biggest difference. Getting him out of the house, and able to explore was the biggest difference.
And once he had a decent vocabulary, he actually became quite pleasant to be around.
So, fine (except for the sleep) from about 15 months. Lovely from 2.5y.

Mine started to get better from about 2 onwards, which coincidentally is roughly when he stated sleeping better although he still gets up early most days.

However, now he's starting school soon and is like a different child entirely to the one he once was. Don't get me wrong he can still whinge but it seems more in line with his peers rather than the almost constant crying, whinging grumpiness he displayed as a baby/toddler.

I know people will say it gets better and at the moment that seems improbable and that better seems like an eternity away (it did to me when I was in the thick of it). However, once on the move, talking and able to express themselves more truthfully it really does get better. Although I've still not forgotten the hell of a high needs baby so am sticking to one because am I fuck risking putting myself through that again. 😅

Do you like reading? I highly recommend Baby Wisperer Solves All Your Problems. 2nd edition with yellow cover

I remember my son being like this, although at the time I didn’t really understand it as “high needs”. I used it call it some quite unsavoury words instead 😅 It was very, very hard. Like you say, the relentless crying and whinging and never being happy about much at all.

I remember the first time I came across the term high needs (on MN of course) and someone said it was an indication of future SEN, usually autism. My stomach lurched because he was a toddler at this point and not speaking, and I was worried about autism.

Bingo. He was diagnosed at five. But I’m not saying this to scaremonger. Looking back, it’s such a RELIEF to understand that yes he was much more difficult than other babies, no it wasn’t my fault, and no it wasn’t all in my head.

He’s 9 now and whip smart. Still quite the whinger but life is a lot easier now.

Thanks for the replies. I had resigned myself to him being difficult until one but reading these replies I think I should manage my expectations and think more about it being 2. Which quite honestly makes me want to cry. Life has become so very limited , we are watching all our friends with their easy babies holiday abroad, go for days out etc and we can do very little because the crying and whinging is just too overwhelming. Every family event we gave attended has been ruined by the constant sound of crying. Another year of this, I just want to get into bed and cry.

Hi needs baby alert 👋 he started walking at 11months and things improved (he’s 20mnths now) and his speech is coming along well. I generally found with every milestone he got much easier and he rarely cries now (unless having a tantrum but I don’t count that the same as the relentless moaning from before as it’s explosive and quite short lived for now).
hes quite delightful now, even if I wished he slept better 😂 but I’m also back at work and he’s at nursery so I’m now with him all the time and so my patience/tolerance is much higher than during the baby stage!

I know two seems an eternity away but every milestone made it that little bit easier. I'm definitely not saying it wasn't a shitty couple of years where I often questioned what I was doing wrong or why everyone else seemed to have an easier child but it does get better I promise.

Just make sure to accept all the help you can and take time for yourself whenever possible. Even the prospect of one evening out can sometimes be enough to make the next few weeks more bearable.

Have you tried an osteopath? Baby could be uncomfortable and need gentle adjustments? I had a very needy baby but one session with a cranial osteopath and she was a different child.

how are babies poops? Normal, loose, clay like?

Hi there. Thanks so much for your reply. DS will not do tummy time (reflux baby so I don’t blame him). He is doing some standing and will take steps with us holding his hands and seems actually very content doing this. I doubt he will crawl but he’s a big baby and will probably take time to master walking. I’m really hopeful this will give us some relief from the constant whinging and crying. I’m going back to work in October and feel conflicted. Relieved I will have a break but also worried about leaving him when he is so very clingy and high needs.

Yes an osteopath is one of the many things I tried with no success. Normal bowel movements. He’s been seen by a doctor a couple of times and they’ve all agreed difficult baby who hates being a baby and will improve when he has more mastery and autonomy.

We had that baby. Screamed during almost every waking hour until she was 2, then just stopped. We tried ALL the things people will tell you to try (cranial osteopathy, tongue tie correction, all the different reflux meds, all the prescription formulas, dairy free etc etc) and nothing made the slightest bit of difference. When she was ready to stop screaming she just stopped. She was an early talker but once she was able to fully articulate her thoughts it made a HUGE difference.

When she did stop screaming she turned into an absolute delight and now at nearly 10 she is still just fantastic. Never any drama or whining at all, very smart (reading age recently tested at 15), amazing sense of humour from a very early age. Also no ND indicators at all. Everyone who knew her when she was a baby reckons she just hated being a baby.

We will never know what caused it. Our lives were miserable for two years (everything you said about family events being ruined totally resonates) but we came out the other side and you will too!

I think some children are just outraged at being a baby! My DS was a lot like this, and didn't. fucking. sleep. He was so happy when he was happy, but was so clingy and behaved like the world was ending at any minor inconvenience - like being tired (SLEEP then child!), stopped from throwing himself off the sofa, I needed to leave him for a 5 min shower, I looked like I was concentrating on anything other than him, it was Tuesday, etc. It improved a bit when he finally slept through at 2.5, and by 5 he was happy and I finally felt the household was back under control!

I agree with other posters- DS is now 22 months and though we still have some sleep dramas and obviously are now edging in to tantrums, it is SO much better than it was at 9 months.

Walking made a huge difference for us, which was just after his first birthday. I think the bit from when they can sit until they can walk is so tough if you have an adventurous/spirited (!) one, as they want to be all go go go but they can't.

Each month since he could walk has got a little bit better - he can understand loads now and is stringing 2/3 words together. This helps loads too as you can ask them to do things or if they want X or y, which is massive. I do sometimes forget he's still tiny and get annoyed that he can't just tell me what he wants without the guessing game fiasco, but he'll get there and I anticipate that will also help things.

Honestly I was miserable for the first year, and as PP said we will likely stick with just him as I can't face that again frankly. Going back to work feels daunting but has helped- he will be fine, nursery staff are professionals at handling upset little ones and yours will be fine once settled. You'll get the break from him you need (and don't feel bad about that! We weren't designed to do this essentially solo/as a pair! We are meant to have a massive group of other adults around helping at all times!).

It'll get better, maybe not linearly but in little steps and sooner than you think, I am sure of it.

Thanks so much for the very supportive replies. I have posted before and it was suggested repeatedly that DS at 7 months old was probably autistic and that really set me back. Before I’m jumped on I live in ROI where there are no services for AEN children at all and work in this area and have seen the long lasting effects of no services&supports have on families and honestly it is my worst nightmare. So it’s good to hear some babies just needed to acquire skills and competencies.
That being said on a day to day my life is very difficult and I’m on the edge of tears most of the time. I honestly can’t fathom how I’ll do this for another year. I love him so very much but really can’t cope with how hard it is. I’m currently sat in the kitchen crying while he naps. If he was my first I would never ever do this again so totally understand why some posters are one and done.

Haven’t read all the replies yet but just want to say I was googling this exact thing this morning. It is so relentless when you have a high needs baby. Here with you in the pits too!

Oh OP, it's so hard. I promise the kitchen crying phase will end- I realised only yesterday that it's been about a month since I last cried, but when he was your baby's age I was still crying weekly if not daily.

I can't speak for ASD as he's too young to know, but I think the two things are probably correlated but not causal- just because he's having a hard time now, doesn't necessarily mean he'll have a diagnosis later. But those who do get a diagnosis later probably do seem "higher needs" as babies as they can't explain what they want/need. Does that make sense?

I wonder if there is any benefit to trying to access support? It's not your fault you are feeling like this, but it might help to talk about it. Unsure about ROI but here in the UK you can access perinatal mental health services until they are one, or you can go private - a counsellor is about £60 an hour, a clinical psychologist is more like £100 though. I personally haven't gone down the antidepressants route but I know many who have and have felt transformed by it.

Short term- I know if feels a bit rude to the baby but can you put in earplugs or ear buds so you can still hear him but it's a bit muffled? I used to play endless podcasts and audio books to distract myself from the whining (whilst playing with him and meeting all his needs of course! Just had it on in the background).

It'll pass, I promise x

Sorry to hear you’re going through the same. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy! What age is your LO?

I’ve actually started doing this exact thing this week. I’ve started listening to a book while looking after him to try drown out the noise a bit. It has been helpful.
I don’t want to go down the route of anti depressants but maybe someone to talk to would be helpful. I feel very on the edge a lot of time even though I do have good support from DM and DMIL.
I don’t think DS is autistic. He has wonderful eye contact, engages in reciprocal babbling and playing (he will pass a ball back and forth) but because it was mentioned so much previously it is a worry of mine. I absolutely would not cope with this and perhaps this fear is playing into my negative feelings.
Im so very glad to hear your kitchen crying days are reducing. Hopefully it will for us too soon.

@NewMomma21 he is 9 months as well. Other people definitely see the best of him - for me he just whines and moans all day like nothing is ever good enough. He won’t play independently. I have to be sat with him and can’t make food for either of us without him having a meltdown. Do you have any support? I have some lovely friends who have been really helpful in getting me through.

Well that sounds familiar! DS has terrible separation anxiety so leaving the room his line of vision for even a brief minute causes epic meltdowns. I agree that others see the best in him, my parents are always saying he is great and improving which sometimes is frankly comical as he is sat crying. I have supportive parents and MIL and DH has really stepped up and encourages me to get out to do things outside the house. Is your LO crawling yet?

@NewMomma21 he can crawl and is obsessed with pulling himself up. He has meltdowns when he can’t have something, even when I try to distract him out of it. He is a different baby when it’s just me and him. When he is with his dad, he is giggly and happy but that isn’t for very much of the day and I guess it’s a novelty for him. I think you’d said he had reflux too? We did and I think that’s shaped a lot of the things we did and decisions we made. How does your little one sleep? I don’t know how mumsnet all works properly still but you’re welcome to PM me.

my little one also had reflux - is he medicated for it at all? we had him on gaviscon which seemed to help a bit but when i weaned him at 6m i done it quite quickly so by 9ish months he was on 3 meals a day had dropped milk, down to maybe 3 feeds, and that really helped the reflux. We took him off all meds at 10months.
In regard to ASD, thats not something we are seeing signs of at the moment and neither is nursery. Hes very social, smiley, points, uses gestures and has circa 50 words and has started with short 2 word sentences. Sometimes babies don't 'like' being babies (FOMO babies I like to call them!) and they are just happier when they have more control (walking, talking etc).
Our little one crawled around 9.5 months and only done so for 6 weeks before taking first steps at 11m. I was prepared for walking to take a while but within a week he was walking around our house quite confidently. I was not prepared haha!

I was also a bit worried re: nursery but he has thrived. And with me getting a break, like i said, it does increase your patience (although even if i had no break he is no where near the difficulty of year 1!)

I'm actually considering ttc a 2nd which if you asked me in the first 12m i would have said never ever again!

My DS was like this. I walked so much on mat leave pushing his buggy around and took so many buses to give him things to look at and keep him interested. He needed constant entertainment and stimulation, wouldn't play with toys on his own, and became totally distraught the moment he couldn't see me. By the end of the day I would be mentally subdividing the last hour before DH got home into 5 minute intervals to stop myself going mad. He would also get really upset whenever anyone except me or DH held him, so trips to see relatives became an e exercise in 24/7 entertaining the fractious baby and mollifying agitated grandparents who were desperate for a cuddle.

He also slept terribly, at one point waking 4-5 times a night for months and needing breastfeeding and varying degrees of co-sleeping to get him back down again. We paid for an expensive sleep consultant which helped a bit for a few months, but then he started nursery and the separation anxiety made everything fall apart again.

I was exhausted and frustrated and just done. And honestly one of the worst things was how other parents just did not get it. My NCT group thought I was bonkers when I mentioned the 5 minute intervals; and they nodded vaguely when I mentioned the totally broken sleep.

He's just turned 2 and things are much much better. I'm pretty sure he's not autistic. His eye contact is fine and his language is great. He speaks in sentences, expresses basic emotions, does loads of imaginative play, loves to play with other children, and is starting to be able to initiate play with others. Being able to tell us what he wants and be understood has made a big difference.

It started getting better shortly after he turned one but it was a very very gradual process. Being able to walk and do some basic baby sign helped a bit. And he was always very motivated to communicate. Night weaning improved sleep a lot. About 18 months my husband was still adamantly one and done, but is now open to the idea of having a second.

It's not all roses - he loathes having his teeth brushed and makes a big fuss about it quite frequently. He also has normal, age-appropriate tantrums about wanting a specific spoon / having something exactly how he wants it etc. And he still gets very upset about nursery drop off most days (after going 4 days a week for a year!!) - but is fine once he is there.

I feel so different. I actually enjoy my time with him rather than counting the minutes before I can get a break. I love taking him to the park, and cooking with him, and playing silly games. I feel like I like parenting him, rather than feeling like I am failing all the time. It's honestly night and day.