9 months of high needs baby

[NewMomma21]

Im not really sure why I’m posting, maybe in the hopes of hearing some positive experiences from people who’ve been through the same.

My DS is 9 months old and has been a very high needs baby since birth. I’m just so exhausted from it all. The constant noise of him crying and whinging all day long. He wakes early (usually before 6) and until he goes to bed before 7, he complains. He is never happy. I can’t bear the relentless noise anymore. I have waited month after month for some kind of improvement and it hasn’t materialised. I’ve tried everything, baby wearing etc and nothing has worked in any substantial way.

Has anyone had a relentlessly grumpy baby that just stayed like this? It’s just so hard

I really do second so much of what @FrizzledFrazzle says especially around other mums not 'getting it' - i actually had a friend diagnose me with PPD when I told her how hard things were with the reflux, crying, whining etc as she sat there with her placid little girl. I knew I didn't have PPD though as my mood was intrinsically linked with him - on the odd days where he was smiley and lovely, so was I, and I wouldn't have thought PPD i would be able to turn on and off like a tap based purely on my babies mood that day.

As i said, things improved around 11m when he walked and then have improved with each passing month since, and going back to work was also very welcome.

Its hard, relentless and lonely but does get better, I promise.

I hear you, and you're not alone in feeling this way. Parenting a high-needs baby can be incredibly tough and draining, especially when it feels like nothing you try brings relief. It's okay to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Remember, every baby is different, and sometimes it takes time to find what works best for them. Have you considered talking to your pediatrician or a child development specialist? They might have insights or strategies that could help. Hang in there, and take care of yourself too. Sending you strength and support during this challenging time.

I have to say one of the hardest things is how easy everyone else seems to have it. I ran into friends yesterday who are off for a holiday with their amazingly chill 4 month old while I can’t even go to a family BBQ and enjoy it. So many of my friends have babies and it’s all been a breeze while I’m at home crying daily trying to entertain a toddler and a baby who won’t stop screeching, crying whining. My DM is putting me under a lot of pressure to toilet train my toddler and laughed when I said I couldn’t manage it on my own and DH would have to take a days leave to help. Quite honestly I was devastated by that laugh, it just really under scored that people just don’t get how hard high needs babies are.

I would not get a referral to a paediatrician or similar here as there is nothing actually wrong with DS are such services are heavily gate kept and beyond stretched here. I’ve taken him to the GP on several occasions to be told colic/reflux/boredom/FOMO.

Have you tried cutting dairy from your diet if breastfeeding? When I did so the difference was like night and day. Turns out my daughter was intolerant. She's 2 now and no longer intolerant but it's really common and under diagnosed in babies

My DS23 now was this baby. The only thing that helped was him babbling and talking, relentlessly, then once that was happening more control for him followed. He needed white noise and playing it in background really helped him calm. It also helped if I looked right at him and made myself visibly calm, yoga breathing, shushing him and saying reassuring things. Sounds ridiculous I know but helped. He's really confident now and very single minded and talks incessantly.

@NewMomma21 I hear you on others having it easy! We were at the beach a couple of months back and there was another family nearby with a little girl who was probably just under 1. She sat happily for about an hour scooping sand into a bucket while her mum lay on the sand. I actually felt quite tearful watching because DS would never ever ever do that. And certainly not at that age. Even now, he still wants to be playing with us or preferably another child all the time.

I’m so sorry, I sympathise. I always say 9-12 months was the worst stage. At that point the sleep deprivation was totally chronic and baked in for me, baby was mentally more alert and wanting to do things that her body couldn’t do, lots of frustration. Going back to work at 1yr helped. Also my DH at that point started doing 2 days childcare and he REALLY got me then. Prior to that he thought he did but he didn’t get the relentless trauma of it all. So I felt better supported emotionally.

You know all the other Mums with high needs babies? They are the ones you don't see out and about as much, as it's so tough.
The mums with easy babies are easy to spot - they are sitting, chatting to mates, hot coffee in hand. Those with more spirited kids are more often hiding at home, counting the minutes til someone cones home, and you can wee in peace!

PS I'm one if the early commentors, before the autism comments started appearing. We have dyslexia here, but also gifted, and nothing to suggest autism.

My Ds was like this.
He basically hated being a baby. He’s 4 years now and much better.
But I would say he was still very high needs until 2.5 years. He woke every 2hrs for 2 years.

The only thing that calmed him down was walking and outside. I walked miles and miles every day with him in sling or pram the first 18 months. When not walking outside at park, in garden, or swimming. He was super active and walked by 9 months so never wanted to be still. Once able I bought him a running bike and scooter and he used that as well as the Pram walks and outside all day.

At 2.5 years he started forest Montessori nursery which has been great. They walk him miles, 2-3 hrs outside every morning, and they encourage independence which he likes.

i think independence and outside helped and still does. So for this summer if you have a garden get him a sandpit, and aqua play water set. Outside far less whining and if they whine it’s not as loud as contained inside. In pram for walking naps if he won’t nap.

Also if it helps, Ds is now super ahead for his age in gross motor skills and talking, as he’s never sat still. Plus as he never sleeps ( 8-9 hrs is his max, so 9pm-6am), he has about 4hrs every day extra to practice climbing and reading

Outside far less whining and if they whine it’s not as loud as contained inside.

I'll second this. I used to find myself much less on edge when he was whinging in larger open spaces like the garden or park than when it was in confined spaces like the house or the car.

DS was a horrendous baby. He cried, screamed and whinged for 15 months straight. Wretched sleeper, wretched eater, screamed his head off if DH or I left his line of vision but equally nothing we seemed to do was correct. Hated all forms of transport (pram, car seat, sling) but equally hated low stimulation environments such as indoors. Wanted to be carried around, at arms length, facing away from us near permanently. Permanently squirming and wriggling and moving and kicking. I practically ran back to work at the end of maternity leave.

He walked and spoke almost simultaneously at 15 months. He was an emotional, intense toddler who needed constant adult supervision/soothing, but he was also wonderful. Cute, gregarious, funny, ‘a real character’. Speaking in complex sentences by age 2.5, able to do arithmetic by age 3 and able to write basic words by 3.5.

Hes 4 now. Still really hard work. Very bright. Very demanding. Very intense. Still needs lots of stimulation and adult co-regulation. Potentially neurodiverse, awaiting assessment. It wouldn’t surprise me if he is or if it’s just his personality, it’s not clear cut in my mind.

Sounds like hyperlexia and hypernumeracy @VivaVivaa! They go hand in hand with being ND. My son was similar, teaching himself to read and doing multiplication in his head whilst still at preschool

Thanks for this. I needed to hear that. That I’m not alone and all the other high needs babies are probably all at home like me asking google 500 times a day what time it is and working out to the minute how long is left until DH comes home. It’s very lonely and isolating having a high needs baby.
DS actually had an okay evening and we had a good chuckle together at bedtime. I love him so much and I feel so guilty about finding him so difficult. The conflict between total frustration at the constant crying and noise and the overwhelming love I have for him has been very traumatic

Wow your DS sounds like an incredible little boy. And so very similar to mine. Cannot be carried in any other position other than facing out. He’s okay in the car, pram if facing outwards and the surrounds are interesting. Hated sling from the absolute get go. I honestly felt like wearing a sandwich board with IVE TRIED THE SLING written on it as it was all that was suggested over and over.
At one particularly desperate out of hours GP appointment the doctor sat me down and said you have a bright intelligent child who hates being a baby and is totally frustrated by his physical limitations. She said to watch out for an intelligent child in the future. Which I dismissed as pity at the time but reading your reply maybe she was on to something? He sat this evening trying to get a toy drill into a wheel of a tractor to get the removable screws out (I kid you not) and the tried with great intensity to twist them out which I guess is not totally typical for a nine month old. I don’t care either way I just want to see him happy. Thanks again for your reply.

I honestly felt like wearing a sandwich board with IVE TRIED THE SLING written on it as it was all that was suggested over and over.

Oh that takes me right back! Mine hated the sling too and I got so fed up of people thinking it was some magic cure all.

I'm glad you had a better evening. Sometimes all you need is to know others are dealing with the same and that some of us have been there, come out the other side and will always be on here to listen.

Thanks so much for this. I must admit I smiled at the 4 hours extra to practice climbing and reading. It could be worse I guess! DS is actually not the worst sleeper. Much better than his older brother was at the same age. Older DS has such a different personality. Was a very good baby and an exceptional toddler. I was unprepared for how challenging DS 2 would be.

Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate it. I don’t know anyone else in my group of friends in this position so it’s so helpful to come on here and get some meaningful responses.

DS was honestly a nightmare, he cried for a year but fit much better by 2, he's 13 now and an absolute joy.

I did have a DD when DS was 22 months old (honestly, it couldn't get much worse) and she was 'one of those' wonder babies, she smiled and barely cried, you could take her anywhere and was basically an absolute dream, at 11 she's still the same!

Hang in there, a difficult baby does not make a difficult child, also I think it makes your bond even stronger, because you're basically attending to them every minute of every day!

I had one. She slept well too. She became much happier the more she could do and also spoke early. She became an enthusiast for life as a child and had a sport she achieved highly in. But, she was diagnosed with autism which presented when she was 13/14 as it does for a lot of girls. She’s in early adulthood now. Getting her diagnosis helped as she made sense. She definitely had sensory issues and needed lots of stimulation but then became easily overstimulated. If there are these things for your baby, responding to them and knowing this might make it easier. I was harsh on myself and thought I was getting it wrong with my daughter.

Have you spoken to a medical professional to rule out potential physical causes for the crying?

Yes of course, several times. He has been thoroughly looked over and although he has reflux that has resolved mostly over time. All the medical professionals have agreed there is nothing medically wrong with him.

Sorry, reading that back, I sounded patronising. Wasn’t my intention. Glad all is good, health wise.

Thanks for this. I’ll look for a pattern to the crying but off the top of my head I would say he mostly wants to be entertained by me and absolutely loses his mind if I am out of his vision. He enjoys games like rolling the ball back and forth, stacking rings, loves Ms Rachel. Loves to stand and walk holding hands. So enjoys a range of stimulation. But I will look at see if there is any sensory input that is upsetting him. Thanks for that

Not at all. It makes sense to check that first. I went to out of hours GP 2/3 times with a view that something had to be wrong with him. But no he’s just a FOMO baby who doesn’t want to be a baby according to them.