Court for birth certificate

[Ccc111R]

Thoughts appreciated thank you:

I didn't put DS dad's name when registering his birth certificate as he was not willing to support us financially and he was fully in conversation (or more?) with his best friend otherwise know as his ex girlfriend.

I wasn't ok with the emotional energy he would put into her and ignore us.
He gamed heavily (50+ hours a week - it was like living with a very noisy ignoring ghost) and drank too much (~30 cans a week or more) that he was up until 5am every weekend and I was left to struggle in the mornings something he knew was extra challenging as I had to take sedative medication at that time.

We are now going through the court, our son is 3 and he has our son every weekend since I've been in hospital. Previously I was insisting I was present on weekends as can't bear missing out my one and only son's childhood.

Do I need to put in place a Prohibited Steps Order you stop him potentially taking our son to Northern Ireland and not bringing him back where all his family is (and they have spoken about how he should move back there and how cute it would be for him to have an Irish accent)
The solicitor is so expensive but I worried if I don't act now I may regret not addressing these kind of issues.

Dividing Christmas and Easter is going to be so tough

@Ccc111R I live in Northern Ireland and send my sis properties all the time as she lives in Manchester and they bags are so much more expensive there. Doesn't mean she has any plans to move. There's no court in the land will accept what you're saying as credible evidence he plans to kidnap your child and move to Northern Ireland...

He is very charming, he still charms me.
I thought I'd be eligible for legal aid but the lawyers I have spoken to stipulate there has to have been domestic abuse.

I don't want to accuse him of domestic abuse despite there being elements I could argue were neglect or financial abuse as he has threatened to fight for full custody and said I would only see my son with supervision (he got angry the other week when I told our son he had broken my heart)

A judge can force her to double barrel to include the ex name and they quite often do

@Ccc111R why would you tell a child he had broken your heart? That isn't a child's weight to carry.

Op does he have your baby all weekend every weekend?
If so then I think you need to say that it's every other weekend or it's one day and one night every weekend so that you and your family can have family time at the weekend too.

I think if you ARE going to court then it's worth trying to put a block on the child being removed from England or your area /not moving to NI.

I'm willing to change his middle name so the dads surname is our sons middle name

In terms of how I got over it- I didn't have bipolar to fight at the same time so I really feel for you (although my ex tried to convince me I was crazy with neuroticism)

What helped

• talking everything through with good friends
• counselling more than once to help me realise I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was during the relationship as well as the break up. It also made me stop idealizing him and it helped me to see the true him was never going to make me happy or be a good guy or care about me.
• it helped me to grieve the family I had wanted to have with (fake nice) him.
• my baby growing up a bit.
• going to lots of mum and baby groups including buggy fit exercise.
• minimizing contact with the ex and only talking about the child, unfollowing on social media.
• having a fling with someone (good ego boost although then he became a bit weird so got rid, but it served its purpose in making me realise my ex isn't centre of the universe)

Writing down my feelings and what I'm angry about jn my notes app.

• taking pressure off myself to be a good coparent or be his friend. I hate the man's guts and he deserves my hatred.

I do agree with this. Don't burden your son with these details they will just worry and confuse him, use adult support systems

You shouldn't be telling your son anything like that. OP I fear nothing I can say is going to get through to you... if you don't stop he's correct sadly you may only get to see him with supervision because telling him what you did is not good for your son. You can see that right?

He's not a pawn in a game of revenge OP please please for your own sake and your sons move on from the relationship and focus on co-parenting

I also now look at it as

I wanted a baby so much and I have one. Now I don't have to go on dating apps trying to find someone to have a baby with. Next guy I date can just be for fun like on the duchess on Netflix. I also follow good single mum role models like Laura Anderson or shaughna from love island who make little jokes and share things about single mum life that make me feel less weird and alone

I'm currently back in counselling and she's helping me to focus on one day at a time not obsessed over things like what if he takes him away from me at Xmas etc

Hi,
You really have to start putting your child's needs above your own, and so far you haven't been. You are obviously a very loving mother, but so far it's been in a possessive way that is wanting what's best for you, not the child.

I'm sure your ex was a knob to you. That doesn't mean he can't be a good father. Your child has the right to a normal relationship with their Dad, and by doing everything you can to sabotage this, you are putting yourself at risk of a family court decision that you won't like.

• it was very wrong to badmouth him to your child, saying he broke your heart. It's true, but inappropriate to put that on a child, and the only reason to do that was to turn your child against him. Parental alienation is not tolerated by the court. Moreover, it's going to hurt your child. It's failing to recognise your child's needs for a good relationship with their father. It was selfish of you. Your child's feelings are more important than yours

• not permitting unsupervised access because you want to be with your child 24/7. Again this is about you, not your child's best interests

• Not putting the father on the birth certificate to have a 'lever' to use on the father, again your own wants put over your child's best interests.

You are not being a good mother when you do things like these.

Risk of flight to N Ireland - there doesn't seem to be strong evidence of this, but the court will help you by ruling in who the child lives with and access arrangements. You need to be reasonable, as does he. Weekends and weekdays can and should be shared fairly, for the child's not parents' benefit. You need to argue for what is best for the child, rather than what you want for yourself, to show you can put your child's needs first. So if you want every other weekend, state why that is best for the child, not why it is best for you.

Inaccurate report - it sounds as though there are inaccuracies in either your or the father's criminal record, so yes, the police are the only ones who can change that. The family court can only go by what the police record shows, so get it corrected ASAP.

The tape - if you believe it has recorded sexual activity while the child is present, you need to go to the police. If you have, and they are not hearing what you hear when they investigated, then you need to let it go. If you haven't taken it to the police, than maybe deep down you know you are mistaken.

I know the pain of being cheated on, but you are letting your anger negatively affect your child, and are risking being in a worse position regarding access/residency.

Courts can, and often do insist on a child having their name double barrelled to reflect both parents names.

This is good advice

Why were you recording your ex inside your house anyway?

Because I don't trust him due to how he has acted previously

My ILs would love XH to move back to where they live. Doesn't mean he will, he has zero interest in it. Has your ex actually ever expressed an interest in doing so?

Rightly or wrongly you need to drop the thing with the video, between the bipolar and being sectioned they're not going to believe you and you will only convince them your mental health is unstable. You need to let it go for yourself too or it will eat away at you. What is your mother like? If she's a good loving Mum there's no way it's her and in that case you doubly need to let it go. You need to focus on your son not his Dad or the ILs or the recording. Id want to change that 50/50 so you each get every second weekend and some week nights. Dont get trapped having all the week nights and no weekends, when he starts school you'll regret that. Focus on you and your son. Take care of yourself, make sure you get enough sleep, do some gentle exercise, spend time focused on your boy, help him feel secure. He's had a lot going on and he needs his Mum to be looking after herself so she can look after him. The rest of it doesn't matter half as much as your son and your mental health.

Recording someone is severely abnormal, maybe fuelled by paranoia.

It sounds like your child needs other people in his life apart from you to give him some stability.

I suspected he was doing things like this so yes unfortunately I have been monitoring him. But I'm sure he's been doing the same back to me, with even more effectiveness I would imagine

Not a lot of people want to spend time with me due to my illness so it's tough on my son in terms of friends but he goes to two really good nurseries and he has friends there. He also sees lots of my family and I do have a handful of good friends, one is his godmother

We've been in Northern Ireland my sons last two birthday so this year we will be home so I hope I can make sure he's around good people and can invite some friends for him

You can't put a block on the child being taken around the UK which includes NI. This is because the UK is considered one country even though each country within the UK has different laws.

However you can put a stipulation that if either parent (so this applies to the OP too) takes the child more than x miles and it needs to be a reasonable distance from a point e.g. 100 miles from your [named town centre main railway station], then each parent needs to give the other 48 hours [written] notice.

Edited to say: A friend whose ex has property in a different UK country tried to do this and then my DP's ex tried it. Both were advised independently to ask for notice and get it to apply to both parents. You should also do this for holidays outside the UK but put a longer time frame of say 6-8 weeks with details of where they are staying.

eh? The two people that have to be named on the BC are the child and the mother!

"I haven’t agreed to alternate weekends yet. We need to discuss money at mediation as if we are 50/50 then neither should be paying support unless it’s for shared expenses - Food, clothes, housing, school costs etc.." my ex saying I should pay him child support he wants 50/50 saying that then only shared expenses will be paid. This comes from someone who would fiddle with the accounts spreadsheet so I was forced to give him £200 a month when we lived together and earns triple my salary

Presumably the £200 was towards your portion of the bills and housing costs?

OP do not discuss money at mediation.

Tell him you will not discuss it until after you both have agreed at what times and days each of you have your child plus arrangements for Easter, Christmas, taking your child 100 miles from your nearest mainline train station, taking your child abroad, etc.

Then go with a written list of all the things you need to agree on and make sure you don't have the time.

This is because mediation isn't legally binding. However if either of you decides to go for a Child Arrangements Order what you wanted to discuss in mediation or actually agreed in mediation can be used as the basis of your Child Arrangements agreement but this will exclude money.

It included the entirety of our spendings, he does the accounts for his work so he's financially fluent when it comes to thinking about money

However I was on benefits and spending everything I had on food and household items, all of the activities for our son.
He would add things like his prime account to the bills
He was taking the piss out of me and it was unfair imo as someone kind who loved you would split the burden proportional to income

When is best to discuss finances?