How to deal with a negotiating/questioning child

[LuckyMum1989]

A conversation with my 5yo DD might go like this:

• when you have finished colouring in Snow White's skirt, put your coat on please. It's time to go.

* can i colour in her legs as well?

• no we need to go. Just the skirt and off we go.

* I just do a bit on her bow.

• No DD. Skirt and then put coat on.

* I just need to tidy all my pens {note... only wants to tidy pens when asked to do something else!}

• No time for that. Coat and shoes please.

[Holds coat out] * Can I put my shoes on first?

• Just put your coat on, DD

* Why coat first?

• [sometimes] because I need my hands

Or

• [other times] because I said so. Let's go.

* Can I bring my bear?

• No love. We're only going to the pharmacists before it closes so not going to be long. No bears.

* If I run really quickly and get my bear and I don't make any fuss, can I get my bear very very quickly?

• i said no, DD. We have to get going. Shoes. Now.

* I just take my barbie because that is already downstairs. [Tries to go back into dining room]

• NO. We have to go. We don't need any toys. Come on!

* if I ask really nicely...

• NO! GO! Come on DD, go!

It doesn't matter if I have pre-prepared her (hence giving her warning about finishing her colouring), if I give her time to get a toy or not, if I say "when the timer goes off in 5 minutes, we are going to get shoes and coat on and get in the car"
EVERYTHING is up for discussion.

Going upstairs to wash hands? Can she wash her hands downstairs? Why not?
If she doesn't put her hands near the boiling pasta water, THEN can she wash her hands downstairs?
Need an early night? If she has no bath (she loves baths) can she have two stories?
10 minute timer to play in her room? Can she have 15 if she tidies up?
If she doesn't make a fuss about this, can she do that?

What does that sign mean? But WHY is that the rule? Is it dangerous? But WHY is it dangerous?

It is exhausting!

The reality is that if the building is on fire, or there is a threat or whatever, I need her to be able to listen to me without needing to understand the whys and wherefores of every little thing.

I don't want to answer every single question with "because I said so" nor do I want to answer every single question with a full and detailed answer!

Sometimes we have time to explain. Sometimes we don't.

Sometimes we have energy to explain. Sometimes we don't.

Sometimes it is easy to explain. Sometimes it isn't.

She's trying so hard to follow all the rules and ask politely etc so she's not demanding in terms of outright disobedience or aggression, which means it feels awful telling her off when her 10th question starts with "If i ask nicely and I am super good then can I...." because she is trying so hard to do things the right way... but at the same time, doing things the right way means sometimes doing things because your mum says so - even if you don't understand WHY all the time.

Help me break this cycle! Any tips out there from a parent who has escaped these conversations with a tiny negotiator?

She sounds really bright OP, and I can see why this is exhausting for you.

I don't have anything to add but there are some great suggestions on here. FWIW you seem to be handling it fantastically already, you're very aware and do what you can.

You have my sympathy!
I feel like you are both locked into a rut where you get frustrated and she gets a lot of attention, albeit rather negative.
My instinct would be to try different approaches, ie
Really sell the trip to her and how exciting it will be (can be minor excitement like we are going to buy some really juicy oranges)
Get her talking about other things while she's getting ready - keep her brain busy and engaged on something else
Ignore bad behaviour/reward good (not just when getting ready) -really up the positive praise so she starts to seek the feeling of positive attention as she's not getting negative attention any more...
Hope that helps!

Thank god the ones like this are mostly temps and I just get rid as soon as possible!

If she's as bright as you say, how would she respond to "We have to go because we need the medicine and the pharmacy will shut if we don't leave, so I need you to do exactly as you're told without any more questions so we can leave the house as fast as possible." ? Would that work do you think?

I can see it must be exhausting. I still vividly remember asking "why" about literally everything and the level of exasperation my parents experienced!

In all your examples, you're imposing requirements on details that don't matter, when your actual objective is something else. Kids are logical and your dd has picked up on this.

"We need to go so just colour the skirt then we can go"

Why the skirt? What about an arm? Just why? And what about tidying away the pens??! Maybe I'm like your dd.

I'd say "we need to go in X minutes/seconds so finish up".

My dd then can decide if she wants to colour a thing or tidy the pens.

Another trick I have is to stop replying if she asks questions. I think you should try this, op.

"Do we have time for me to do xyz? Shall I wear my blue jacket or yellow coat? Why do we have to leave right now?"

I don't always answer these. Don't get drawn into these dialogues. I just make a little gasp of impatience and move towards the door and then dd says "okayyyy...I'm coming" and gets on with it.

Works for me!

You could try a few things, have a toy that is bought specifically as a car toy to stay in the car (not a toy from home or she will probably want to take it back in home again) and/or story CD's or something to listen to in the car.

You could try directing some of her questions back at her to try to get her working out answers for herself rather than always relying on you 'why do you think they have that rule dd?'

What if you ask her what she wants to wear? get her to consider the weather, what she will be doing etc. Get her to put her own coat and shoes on and tell her you're going to count to 10 and see if she can do it before you get to 10. Make it into a game.

Of course it's fine to have some boundaries too that aren't up for discussion - bed time for example.

Having an inquisitive mind is something to be proud of OP! I bet she's going to be one smart cookie even if she drives you mad in the process. Use her cleverness to your advantage and get her doing as much for herself as she is able.

I have to say my dc are grown now but at times l would say; you mean yes mom! So when l would say we are off now.and they would start to discuss .in a calm smiling manner would say...l think you mean YES MOM!!
I have been a teacher for years and there is no way we could negotiate every dam thing so l am used to that . It can become a habit so keep calm and do not engage in big discussions.

Mines like this. If it makes you feel any better I’ve actually taught parenting classes using a lot of the strategies mentioned on this thread - they ARE good strategies but to be honest, a lot of it is a learning phase and you just need to ride it out. It’s ok to set limits at a certain point.

Sorry but i disagree with one thing - sometimes it really IS because i said so! Sometimes there either really isn't something to "look up" or it's not up for debate!

Would it be so bad if she washed her hands downstairs? Basically means Would it be so bad if she got her own way all the time?

So you're saying just give in and let a 5yr old rule the roost?

This really only works because at the moment she is your only child (that can talk), so you’re tying yourself in knots trying to do the right thing. When you have more than one to get up and out you simply don’t have enough time to negotiate with all of them By child three I was saying ‘I don’t care what you do or how you do it as long as you’re ready to leave in three minutes.’ And then left her to get on with it. She is by far the more independent and self sufficient of my children.
This is balanced with time when she is allowed to talk and ask questions about signs and rules etc. Just not when I’m trying to get out of the door!

You have so many battles because you aren’t picking your battles. It’s important to let children have areas of control and autonomy. Just let her bring the bear! You’ll waste more time arguing about the bear than just letting her get the bear. Her point about the Barbie already being downstairs was reasonable.

Stop saying no to everything on principle and let things go her way sometimes. You cannot expect her to learn cooperation and accommodation if you never model it.

It does.Im all for explaining to kids but I'm glad I didn't go down this road It doesn't equip them for school where they have to sit on the carpet or line up at the end of play.

It sounds like she has a higher than usual need for autonomy. I'd look to use some pda parenting techniques.

When my children do this questioning for the sake of it
My stock phrase was

"Why do you think...

I need you to get ready
Put your shoes on
Not to take a toy with you

They'd have to answer their own question, and the answers were usually what I had just explained! So they would generally go and do the thing I asked.

DS1 was like this. I learned to pick my battles and to allow time for negotiations. Say yes more often, even when it sort of means no :)

E.g.
Can I colour in her legs?
No.
Just the bow?
Excellent- yes! Just the bow. You do have time for that. Good idea DD.

Or

Can I colour in the legs?
Yes you can! When we get back. When we get back, you can colour them any way you like. Let's get your coat on. What colour will you do the legs when we get back?

Can I put my shoes on first?
Yes. I'll leave your coat here to put on next.
(Why argue with her about which is put on first? It doesn't matter. She needs both. Let her put both on, in her own time. Don't waste time being authoritarian about stuff that seriously doesn't matter at all.)

Can I grab teddy?
No, he's upstairs, you have shoes on already and we are leaving.
Barbie then? She's here.
Yes, good idea! Hold her tight and keep her safe. Let's go.

Another trick is: be the one asking questions, giving two options that both suit you.

We are leaving in two minutes. You have time to colour in either the legs or the hair? Which will you choose?

Also use praise as a diverting tactic.
Can I just tidy up my pens?
Oh thank you for being so tidy and helpful. You can do that when we get back, as we need to go now before the chemist closes.

They just have no concept that time doesn't stand still at that age. No concept of being late or missing a train or a shop closing if you don't leave on time.

Wow I have never said because I say so - piss poor parenting IMO. Agree with others we need to get to the pharmacy before it closes is really the best answer- also true. Thinking back we got DS a watch just before he went to school being able to "see" the time really helped same could probably be achieved with a kitchen clock.

Annoying in practice but not a bad trait for her to have in life.. questioning and negotiating for a better outcome one for her. I'm not sure I'd be quashing this completely.

The school will not be impressed with your child's negotiations!
You need to make sure that your child understands that at school instant obedience is required!

But on the other hand everyone will hate you

Lots of really good advice and tips here. Thankyou. I will definitely try some of these out.

I love chatting with her and helping her understand why things work the way they do, and she's so flippin' polite in the way she asks everything there are times it's downright adorable! And I agree wholeheartedly, I don't want to squash her curiosity or intelligence. I love those things about her, and she just wouldn't be DD if she wasn't trying to work out the world around her.

It's trying to help her understand that there are times you can ask / question / negotiate and times that you have to listen to the authority figure without needing all the details. (Do I always know precisely why a lane is closed with a reduced speed limit on the other lane? No. Sometimes I might not see any need to merge and slow down at all. Do I wait until I see the reason or ignore the signs if they make no sense to me? Of course not!)

Sometimes, there is a time to ask questions, sometimes there are forums to lobby for change and to negotiate for a better set of rules, sometimes (like workplace policies) there might be rules you disagree with but you adhere to through gritted teeth because that is what your boss/contract says. I'm not sure I agree that saying "because I said so" is "piss-poor parenting" (thanks for that..). What is for dinner tonight? Risotto. Why? Because that is a meal everyone will eat, it is what I have on the menu, have shopped for, and prepared. Why did I choose risotto? Because I just... did. That is the decision I made as the person who makes the decision about dinner. [And yes... sometimes I decide on a dinner without holding a family meeting to discuss. I'm cruel like that]

As some of you have pointed out, it's a concern in education, in the workplace later in life, in various relationship, and whilst there's an amazing skill there to hone and help her harness, if she doesn't learn how/when it is appropriate, she will find life very difficult and will make life very difficult for those around her.

Your responses have got me wondering how her teachers deal with it. No one has said anything...so I assumed there was nothing to report. I wonder if she is different there or if they have a technique that works.

And interesting that a couple of people have queried if she is ND. Not that I know of. It's not something I know much about - to me she is just quirky DD 🤔

Thanks for all then tips - especially from those who read both my posts 😉 you're a trooper if you got through the second one 😂

I am also encouraged to hear so many "I've got one of those" responses. I have felt quite alone!

But I must give special kudos to @Goldbar for one of my favourite all-time MN responses. The mummy robot malfunctioning on the floor made me actually laugh out loud (not just a typed lol). You get me!!!

Although not specifically relevant as she seemingly manages to ask slightly different questions - I am a big fan of "I've already answered that question" for the more repetitive ones as it shuts it all down very quickly

My 8 year old is like this and is not autistic. I’m her mum though so she needs to learn if I say we’re going, we’re going. She still sneaks in a quick “oh I’ve not got my shorts under my dress” or “I’ve not said goodbye to my pets!”

At the end of it all I need to get her to school/Brownies/Cinema etc. So there is no negotiating or gentle choices. Shoes on, out the door!

I LOL'd at your OP! My 6yo is exactly the same! I was the same though, my DPs tell me!

I have a negotiator with ASD, it's like living with a child representative from the UN. I tend to work on the basis of two choices and when and then. "When you have finished colouring Barbies skirt, then we are going to the shop". After the round of questions has finished, ignore them, "when we have been to the shop, you may colour more of barbie." It's unbearable at times and I often find myself dialled up to 100 by bedtime.

School do not like the constant negotiations, it seems to drive her peers mad, the other mummies won't talk to me, yet the 11+ tutor took the round of negotiations about her mock test score with considerable ease. She said that a good few bright children negotiate like this and its a good skill to have in an adult. Mind you, she would say that. I'm paying her!