DS 9 told school I'm damaging his mental health

[Parentinghelpnow]

DS 9 has mild ASD (newly diagnosed and mainly affecting processing speed) and is becoming increasingly anxious. He's started receiving additional wellbeing sessions at school and he's recently told the teacher that I make his life hell and have 'erased his mental health'. We're in a situation where every time I ask him to do something (e.g. 'It's time to brush your teeth now please') he refuses to do the thing and then says that I'm screaming at him (which I'm not) and I'm 'damaging his mental health'. When we talk about this once he's calmed down (which we always do) he seems to genuinely believe that having me as a parent is damaging him in some way and that I am his enemy.

I think he almost certainly has PDA to a degree and I've tried all of the strategies I can find to try and get home to do things without him feeling I am making demands of him, but the reality is that in the mornings, for example, there's only so long I can spend making non-demanding comments (such as 'Do you think it might be time to get dressed now?') before we're both late and then it's a huge stress to get out of the door in time. Reward charts etc. don't work as he can't equate action with reward.

He's what you might call academically gifted (142 in recent CAT4 tests, reading age of 15, the educational psychologist who assessed him for autism suggested he should be put up at least 2 school years), but his emotional intelligence is probably a few years behind his actual age.

I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this and need some practical advice on how to improve our relationship and ensure he doesn't spiral further. I'm not looking for criticism here – I'm really trying my absolute best and am having therapy to try and work through my own issues to ensure I'm being the best parent I can be – but I would like some resources (books, podcasts etc.) that might be able to give advice, or to hear from people who may have been in similar situations.

I try to do fun things with DS as much as possible (things he has chosen, e.g. cinema, bike rides, play dates etc.) but they pretty much always decent into DS shouting at me and storming off because I've done or said something he deems to have damaged his mental health (which could be pretty much anything from asking him to turn the radio down when I'm driving to suggesting we do an activity).

For background DH works away so I am the main carer, and DS is an only child.

That must be really difficult.
Have you had a good chat with him about how he would like you to ask him to do something?

@Newuser75 I have, just this morning actually. He says that he feels mentally unwell every time I ask him to do something but the reality is that if I didn't ask him to do things, he'd never leave the house/get dressed/eat anything. Our mornings are particularly difficult because he refuses to get out of bed, then takes 20 minutes to eat breakfast (and recently is hardly eating anything because apparently I'm not allowing him to, which is completely untrue), then will spend 20 minutes in the shower etc. It takes him well over an hour to get out of the house and he only just makes it to school on time, which he then blames me for. I'm really clueless as to what to do.

Can he be given some responsibility for his mornings?

Eg. I'll wake you but you need to do XYZ by X time so you get to school on time, otherwise you'll be late. Give him a list of things he needs to do and then leave him to it? Would he cope with natural consequences?

Also, maybe shower the night before rather than in the mornings

Have you had a look at the PDA Society? https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ Also Dr Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker both cover PDA / low demand parenting.

Could you get some family therapy? I had it with a foster child who was similar in behaviour and he had memory processing issues so you'd ask or tell him something one day, check he understood it, but 2 or 3 days later he'd swear no one had ask or told him. It was very frustrating. I used to write things down for him in a book with the date. Then get him to read it every day. Even then he'd try to say i'd somehow added in things he didn't know about. He was like it at school too.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that it sounds incredibly hard & send you a big hug!

thankfully MN is absolutely brilliant for advice on these types of situations so I'm sure you'll be inundated with suggestions!

just know you have people thinking of you and sending support! (Not that it helps in practical terms I know!!)

@spicysamosahotcupoftea Thank you. We have tried this as it's resulted in him being late and then blaming me for him being late but I think the next step maybe for me to be even more hands off. His school are very strict about arrival times and the children have to be seated at their desks by 8.15am (which he just about manages most mornings) and I pretty much do anything I can to get him there on time, but I am wondering about just letting him be late and face the consequences (that sounds harsh but it might make him realise that there's a reason why I have to chivvy him along in the mornings).

@caringcarer I think that's a very good idea and I'm looking into this with the educational phycologist who diagnosed him (who he got on with really well).

Does he respond to logic?

Can you explain that in order to function as a family everyone had a role to play. That you are asking him to do XYZ because these actions are for his health/education/safety?

Also - just noting his language around "mental health" - where is he quoting this from? It's extremely negative. He isn't online is he?

It sounds like he is really anxious. It is likely that demands at school are also draining his resources. Have you looked into a low demand lifestyle that doesn't involve needing to be somewhere for a certain time? I know it doesn't work for everyone (I'm resisting it ATM). I have the same issues and always feel torn. What does work for us is making things a game/race, as then it's fun and not perceived as a demand.

Could it be that he has cottoned on to the fact that mentioning "mental health" results in him not having to do things he doesn't want to do?

@SingingSands Responding to logic is a bit hit & miss but you make a very good point about reiterating that we all have a role to play so XYZ need to happen to keep things moving. Thank you. I think the mental health language is coming from school. They’re very big on this & the children are encouraged to check in with how they’re feeling throughout the day.

@Wishimaywishimight Very probably. I think it’s a buzzword he’s picked up on & I do intend explaining to him quite what this means i.e. there’s a big difference between feeling annoyed because you’ve had to do something you don’t want to do & actually suffering from poor mental health.

Pictograms with what he needs to do in the morning? It takes you out of the equation.

Does he actually value getting to school on time? If he does maybe you can sit down with him and work out a time table, working backwards from when he has to be at school. Make sure he agrees with the timings. Then you can refer him to the timetable or set timers so it's less personal. Might make him feel more ownership of the process, and less likely to blame you.

I agree. You’re damaging my mental health is a bit of a buzzword/phrase, OP I’d try (if possible!! It’s hard) to curb online time, I don’t see anywhere else he could have picked this up?

Can you both sit down together one evening and agree on your own responsibility lists for the morning? If you both agree you need to be at school/work on time, what are 5 things you need to do? Mum can come in and open the curtains/do wake up, then DS can check his list and make sure he’s dressed, clean teeth, bag packed by 7.50 while mum makes sure lunch is ready?

It does sound as if he has picked up the buzzword 'mental health ' as a tool to use every time he is asked to do something he doesn't want to. Including things like getting out of bed and having a wash.

I remember in my day depression was the buzzword and we all sat around diagnosing ourselves with depression. Which of course we didn't have, we were experiencing normal emotions of childhood. Oh and we were all going to ring Childline as our parents were abusing us making us do our homework and eat vegetables

It may be worth telling the school there mental health drive is having negative consequences.

@loropianalover That is a great idea. He did have a pictogram list of tasks but it completely fell down & he then blamed me, but actually deciding together who will take responsibility for which part of the process sounds really good. Thank you.

@Parentinghelpnow
Maybe get him check for auditory processing problems.
One of my DC has it and we always had to tell her to do something more than once, usually about 3 times.
She always had problems writing down correctly what homework she was supposed to be doing.

Have you tried closed choices? So instead of ‘do you think it’s time to do x now’ you can do more ‘do you want to brush your teeth or get dressed?’

Full disclosure, I still use this on my PDA husband and he finds it helpful.

Does your DH work away all the time OP?
Is he at least back some weekends?

If so can you get away one such weekend, so DS can spend time just with his dad

@RoobarbAndMustard Auditory processing has crossed my mind, particularly as we know about his general processing issues. Thank you.

@SeulementUneFois Yes DH is back for short periods at a time & in fact I’m going away with friends this weekend so it will be just DS & his Dad. They have quite a different relationship as DH typically isn’t the one trying to hey DS to do the things he needs to do but they do have similar conflicts (on a lesser scale).

OP I’d start off with a chart of all the things he has to do in the morning and he himself can tick them off as he does them. This might feel like he is in control - absolutely nothing to do with you - pre agree these are all reasonable things to do in the morning

The mental health thing - he knows it stops adults in their tracks and gives him a free pass.

I would really really limit online time.

Counter intuitive but I'd stop doing the "fun" things with him.

If he's anxious you need to reduce demands. Doing the fun things may well be socially and emotionally demanding.

If you give him more free time (not necessarily screen time) then this might help overall.

They're only fun if he enjoys them and it doesn't sound like he does.