DS 9 told school I'm damaging his mental health

[Parentinghelpnow]

DS 9 has mild ASD (newly diagnosed and mainly affecting processing speed) and is becoming increasingly anxious. He's started receiving additional wellbeing sessions at school and he's recently told the teacher that I make his life hell and have 'erased his mental health'. We're in a situation where every time I ask him to do something (e.g. 'It's time to brush your teeth now please') he refuses to do the thing and then says that I'm screaming at him (which I'm not) and I'm 'damaging his mental health'. When we talk about this once he's calmed down (which we always do) he seems to genuinely believe that having me as a parent is damaging him in some way and that I am his enemy.

I think he almost certainly has PDA to a degree and I've tried all of the strategies I can find to try and get home to do things without him feeling I am making demands of him, but the reality is that in the mornings, for example, there's only so long I can spend making non-demanding comments (such as 'Do you think it might be time to get dressed now?') before we're both late and then it's a huge stress to get out of the door in time. Reward charts etc. don't work as he can't equate action with reward.

He's what you might call academically gifted (142 in recent CAT4 tests, reading age of 15, the educational psychologist who assessed him for autism suggested he should be put up at least 2 school years), but his emotional intelligence is probably a few years behind his actual age.

I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this and need some practical advice on how to improve our relationship and ensure he doesn't spiral further. I'm not looking for criticism here – I'm really trying my absolute best and am having therapy to try and work through my own issues to ensure I'm being the best parent I can be – but I would like some resources (books, podcasts etc.) that might be able to give advice, or to hear from people who may have been in similar situations.

I try to do fun things with DS as much as possible (things he has chosen, e.g. cinema, bike rides, play dates etc.) but they pretty much always decent into DS shouting at me and storming off because I've done or said something he deems to have damaged his mental health (which could be pretty much anything from asking him to turn the radio down when I'm driving to suggesting we do an activity).

For background DH works away so I am the main carer, and DS is an only child.

Have you got an Alexa? I just wonder if passing the demands onto a third party (especially not a human one!) would help eg wake up time! let’s have breakfast! Time to get dressed! Have you brushed your teeth? Have you got your reading book and PE kit ready in your bag?

my son is also 9 and autistic and displays certain elements but luckily loves eating breakfast so I used to insist he was dressed for school before he sat at the table to eat, gave him an incentive to get over one major hurdle.

@Mishmashs Brilliant idea! We have got an Alexa but I’ve never thought of using it for this.

I think I would ask the school to stop the well being sessions. I’m always dubious about these - I’ve seen them run by not very bright TAs or young teachers and they can cause more harm than good. The fact he is referring to his mental health and saying that making him brush his teeth impacts this for example suggests whoever is running the session isn’t very good - he’s picked up buzz words but doesn’t seem to understand what they mean. Go into school explain what the issue is with the mornings. Suggest that they come up with workable suggestions or that you are going to let him be late.

Yep
Kids can have all sorts of SN but still be just badly behaved at times as well. I have no idea how or whether its possible to separate the 2.
DD hated getting the bus to college but we were never sure if she wanted a lift/was too anxious or both, its a balancing act between accepting their limitations and giving them a bollocking.

As he's so bright, why don't you play him at his own game and ask him to specify which of your actions are 'damaging his MH' and ask him what he thinks a trained professional would recommend to both him, and you, as a solution. Let him suggest!

As many othe pp's suggested get him to do the choosing. Similar to 'how to talk so your kids will listen' do you want red socks or blue. Do you want to do it now or in 5 minutes? You have 5 things to do before we leave for school, you choose the order, or how quick can you do it, (if he's competitive ) time him, can he beat 3 .32 minutes personal best from yesterday. All those classics tricks.

Pictogram like this one? Took me a while to find it and sorry it's in Danish but you get the idea.

https://www.foraeldrebutikken.dk/collections/tjeklister

Oh yes and as pp said how to talk so kids will listen is GREAT

One thing that worked for my DS was visuals. At one point he had a board with image cards on it with things he needed to do in the morning. Picture of a toothbrush. A toilet! Clothes. Breakfast. Each card had a velcro back and the board had a velcro strip. Every might I stuck the cards on in order. Every day he picked them off as each "job" was done. It meant I didn't need to ask or remind, he could see for himself. Ah yes @StrictlyAFemaleFemale has shown one!

My DS was a highly intelligent and (seemingly) verbal child. But those visuals really worked for him.

Another thing that worked for DS was "now or in five minutes" - "will you put your books in you bag now or in 5 minutes"? The answer was always "in 5 minutes" but after five minutes I could say "time to put your books in your bag and he'd do it without a problem. It helped with the processing delay / shifting gears.

Fun things may be demanding as well as fun. So I wouldn't have too many and I'd find something peaceful your DS can enjoy. Mine liked cross stitch, watching TV, being read to.

I think "damaging my mental health" is just a way of saying "it distresses me". He probably doesn't have much concept of his own "mental health".

Everything as low demand as possible bags packed the night before low demand breakfast (we have breakfast pastries) clothing set out no shower in the morning takes too long just up dressed pee eat brush leave done

Do you give him any stimulus at all in the mornings? I've raised 4 kids with adhd/asd and I myself have horrific PDA traits to the point I can't even follow a sat nav's instructions if I'm lost. What helped my family was to remove any and all devices, no tv, no music, no radio, nothing. They woke up, they had to brush their teeth and get dressed and eat their breakfast and only when they had their uniforms on, coats and shoes on, and fully packed bag in their lap, did they get a DS/tablet/tv. The quicker and more efficiently they got ready equaled more reward time.

Can you spread the morning demands out across the night before? Ie, get uniform and bags ready and laid out? Then it's just get dressed, eat and brush teeth. Have a silly of cereal bars/flapjaks to eat on the way to save time?

No such thing as mild ASD
If he has a diagnosis,he is autistic.end of ..no mild ,no high or low functioning
You can say he has low support needs
But he either meets the criteria for a diagnosis of autism or he doesn't

Advice on how to handle this ...
Listen to your son ,he is telling you ,you are damaging him
Start by accepting he is autistic and get yourself some books so you completely understand autism
Then you can start to see how he needs your support

I too question the value of the well being sessions. Encouraging children who are anxious to check in daily on how they feel can increase anxiety. They need to learn as much as they can to look outwards, rather than inwards.
I wondered if a pet he wanted might help, like a rabbit.

@Monstermunch2 that is really unhelpful. He does have to brush his teeth, wash and get dressed.

Would stating what you see work better? E.g. ‘your toothbrush is still dry’. Also get him involved in the planning, maybe even get him to draw ‘how to get ready’.

You've had some great advice here @Parentinghelpnow but I'd also make sure you're continuing to have an open dialogue with the school about how your DS is at home. Some schools do 'Zones of regulation' (example here https://www.kilmorieschool.co.uk/zones-of-regulation) to teach children to recognise their emotions and how to act on them in a positive way to get back to the 'green zone'.

Have you considered his sensory needs - eg he enjoys the feel of the shower/warm water/soap bubbles. He hates the feel of the brush in his mouth/teeth or hates the taste of the toothpaste.

So did mine ,so do I
We all have to brush our teeth
But when your autistic its hell
The brush ,the mint ,the foam it's all vile .
So look for flavoured toothpaste ,try different brushes ,some fit on your finger so you don't feel like the brush is going down your throat.

You have had great advice already but wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing a great job. Parenting an autistic child is really hard.

I will say again
As a parent who is diagnosed autistic,and children who are diagnosed autistic...
You really need to read up on autism ,so you can start to understand him

Also ,buy books written by autistic people,..not all of them are ,and it makes a difference

Have you got the Low Demand Parenting book? My probably not neurotypical teen also says I'm shouting when I ask if things are done. I think of it as more of a ADHD thing, though maybe it isn't, as I think I've that, and asking me to do stuff sometimes makes me feel very stressed and I don't think I have autism. The two can go together though.

Accusing people of shouting when they are not seems to be pretty common amongst DCs now. I think it is because most of them have never had someone shout at them, so confuse a slightly raised voice with shouting.

We do this with alarms on my phone - they go off at the appropriate time so I can pass on the 'bossing' to someone else

Children with autism may be hypersensitive to voice pitch and they may not be able to tell the difference betweeen a voice raised in anger or fear and a "firm" voice. I deliberately used a much flatter more neutral information-giving tone with DS than I would use to other people (but not an apologetic tone) when giving instructions.