DS 9 told school I'm damaging his mental health

[Parentinghelpnow]

DS 9 has mild ASD (newly diagnosed and mainly affecting processing speed) and is becoming increasingly anxious. He's started receiving additional wellbeing sessions at school and he's recently told the teacher that I make his life hell and have 'erased his mental health'. We're in a situation where every time I ask him to do something (e.g. 'It's time to brush your teeth now please') he refuses to do the thing and then says that I'm screaming at him (which I'm not) and I'm 'damaging his mental health'. When we talk about this once he's calmed down (which we always do) he seems to genuinely believe that having me as a parent is damaging him in some way and that I am his enemy.

I think he almost certainly has PDA to a degree and I've tried all of the strategies I can find to try and get home to do things without him feeling I am making demands of him, but the reality is that in the mornings, for example, there's only so long I can spend making non-demanding comments (such as 'Do you think it might be time to get dressed now?') before we're both late and then it's a huge stress to get out of the door in time. Reward charts etc. don't work as he can't equate action with reward.

He's what you might call academically gifted (142 in recent CAT4 tests, reading age of 15, the educational psychologist who assessed him for autism suggested he should be put up at least 2 school years), but his emotional intelligence is probably a few years behind his actual age.

I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this and need some practical advice on how to improve our relationship and ensure he doesn't spiral further. I'm not looking for criticism here – I'm really trying my absolute best and am having therapy to try and work through my own issues to ensure I'm being the best parent I can be – but I would like some resources (books, podcasts etc.) that might be able to give advice, or to hear from people who may have been in similar situations.

I try to do fun things with DS as much as possible (things he has chosen, e.g. cinema, bike rides, play dates etc.) but they pretty much always decent into DS shouting at me and storming off because I've done or said something he deems to have damaged his mental health (which could be pretty much anything from asking him to turn the radio down when I'm driving to suggesting we do an activity).

For background DH works away so I am the main carer, and DS is an only child.

@Monstermunch2 ’Mild autism’ is how the (world leading) clinical psychologist who diagnosed him described his diagnosis. I haven’t just made this up. It’s the accepted term for what used to be called Asperger syndrome.

@Monstermunch2 Can you suggest any books? I’ve read all of those suggested by his psychologist plus many academic papers.

@WitchyBits No stimulus at all in the mornings. We have the radio on but no screens whatsoever.

Well, this is the result of obsessing over the mental health of children and enabling them.

I like the Alexa idea. When I was working in a SEN school we often used timers for ending activities partly because they were visual but also many of our children could except the timer saying the activity had finished where they couldn't accept a person saying it.

I’d want to know what’s going on in these wellbeing sessions and who’s facilitating them. Why would a 9 year old say that mum has ‘erased’ his mental health?

I suspect they’re going a bit too deep into the negative mental health side of things in the sessions, when they need to focus more on progression and positive actions that will help him in day to day life.

Some really good suggestions from PP. I don't have any advice but just wanted to tell you you're doing an amazing job, it's very hard and I don't think most people get it unless they've been there! Does your son like animals? Just wondering because I know a young autistic lad who got involved with riding for the disabled and grooming and caring for the horses really helped with his anxiety. It might be worth a try?

@Noseybookworm What a lovely idea. We’ve been talking about a new hobby & something like that could be perfect.

@Cuwins That's really interesting. We used to use timers a lot when he was younger but now we tend to just use them for things like teeth brushing (otherwise he’ll brush for ages!) but an Alexa is a great idea.

He needs to build resilience and empathy - would he join the scouts, they really develop these skills in kids, and tend to be very open and welcoming to ND kids.

Hello. I have the same problems with my kid.
I can understand you.
Acceptance helped me. When I found out the diagnosis, I began to understand the child’s behavior and I stopped expecting from him those things that most children do at his age. For example, I don’t remind him to get dressed when he’s late, but I help him get dressed, give him socks, a sweater, sometimes I put socks on like a baby. And so on for all stuff. Instead of edifying, I help him. I don’t always manage to be calm, but every time I make mistakes, I think how I can fix it. For example, in the morning my son takes a long time to get ready, so I get up earlier to prepare breakfast and have more time for the rest of the routine. Or I prepare it in advance in the evening so that I don’t have to waste time preparing breakfast in the morning. Sometimes I even brush his teeth because he can stand in the bathroom for 15 minutes and not pick up his toothbrush. Or I ask my husband to be nearby and make sure that his son is not distracted.

I've remembered something else important. The most important thing that helped me in relationships with kid. I stopped being a mother who teaches and guides. I began to be a mother who is on his side and helps.
Also, Last year I made a schedule of what he should do in the morning. 1. wake up, 2. get up, 3. have breakfast, 4. teeth brushing 5 get dressed a. socks, b. trousers, etc. I asked him to indicate the time for each action he would do. with reserve. I set his phone to ring for every action. As a result, he started getting up much earlier to be on time. I lasted a month and had to get up at 6am to make breakfast. But my son has become more independent.

Getting out the house in the morning, I would set successive alarms on your phone (or the cooker or whatever), eg. 7.45am eat breakfast; 8am brush teeth; 8.10 put shoes on; 8.15 leave the house etc etc

For my child, allowing complete control over the situation helped, so never telling her to do anything ever.
This worked for us if she had accepted, and agreed with the concept, so being on time, putting effort into education etc.

However I had to accept that some things wouldn't be perfect, even though I may have wanted them to be.
Teeth would be brushed, and face washed, without being told, nearly all of the time, but not all of the time. By attempting to achieve "all of the time" I would not achieve anything in that then all her will power would be channeled into not doing them. She has told me it's like an invisible force that makes her have to push back.

I found that by stating facts, so she has the knowledge available, at a time unrelated to the actual action, she would take them in, and act on them in the future when needed.

It's not easy, but play to your son's strengths. As he is intelligent, take yourself out of the equation by stealth.

Maybe he could, by chance of course, find you struggling to prepare a visual aid for work. Maybe he could help you? Ask his opinion on it but don't mention him, or how it could be helpful for him to follow a routine. Just put the idea out there.
You have to up your game, occasionally by downplaying. If you step down he might just step up.

Whether he is on time however will in some degree depend on whether he agrees being on time is worthwhile. Again try and highlight the importance of it, but relating to another context. So how annoying it was that colleague was late so you didn't manage to complete such and such a thing. What a shame because now you won't get such nd such other thing.