Family members giving unwanted parenting advice

[ThisDreamyTurtle]

Hi mums!, so my daughter is really struggling in school. There’s a boy throwing chairs etc screaming all day etc, the class get evacuated daily, nobody is learning etc

my daughter hasn’t had any support, her mental health has declined massively etc and I’ve exhausted everything (been to the school, council, governors etc) she’s been on reduced hours which didn’t help, I’ve been through camhs etc. we’ve looked around another school and it isn’t doable due to my son being happy in his class and breakfast club isn’t affordable.

I was telling my mum and sister , and said if nothing gets done soon I’ll have to home school her. Because she’s having actual panick attacks every day now.

and my sister said well I’ll have to take courses as her friend did when she homeschooled. So I told her no, you don’t need qualifications to homeschool, and don’t have to follow the national curriculum etc.
she said yes you do have to follow the correct curriculum! And I’d have to apply, so I explained to her that no you don’t apply, you just deregister and the council will contact me in their own time. And I don’t need to follow a curriculum I can base learning around my child etc. and politely asked her to research it.

anyway my mum and sister are both saying it not doing what’s best for my child and she has to be in school or she won’t learn anything, won’t socialise etc and I’d be taking her out of society!

I mean, I’ve done plenty of research. I’ve researched all avenues of every option way in advance as obviously I havnt decided yet and my daughter has input too. She’s 10 and understands the options etc. so no, even if she does homeschool she isn’t taken out of society at all!
I also know my own daughter! So how dare they suggest I don’t know what’s best for her!
im the one sat with her every night when she cries, im the one taking her to school every day watching her sob and beg to go home as soon as we get near her classroom. I’m the one coaxing her into the room, watching a teaching assistant try to convince her to go into another room and calm down before going in. I see her go to her room after school , feeling like she can’t breathe, already worried about the next day.

I don’t want to fall out with them but they’ve really overstepped here. And I’m actually really annoyed. I didn’t ask for their opinion and don’t need it.
especially when they can’t be bothered to research it before commenting. And being wrong.

suppose I needed a rant , but are any of your families like this?

I don’t agree with some of my sisters parenting methods but I never say anything. Because that’s her child not mine! So I’m respectful. Shame she isn’t the same towards me.

I’ve exhausted everything

so quit bothering about family member and start looking in to an alternative for september 2024

Your sister sounds bloody concerned about you homeschooling
and i think i would too given your stance on it

im the one taking her to school every day watching her sob and beg to go home as soon as we get near her classroom.

you can’t move her from this because her brother is happy?

FGS OP

I’d whip your dd out now. She needs a break.

She will be starting secondary school soon so will be a fresh start

You do have to provide an education that the council are happy with.

it doesn’t have to be the curriculum, but it has to be to a certain standard.

it’s entirely up to you if you want to home educate, I’m uneducated and can’t do my dd’s homework and she’s 11, so there’s no way I could teach a child who would be able to pass G.C.S.Es.

i would stop discussing your daughter with them. Give them one worded answers when they ask about her, I’m very selective about who I tell about my children and the difficulties they face.

I would be asking the school what they’re doing about the child that’s disruptive in class, it could be that a mainstream school isn’t suitable for him.

So your post comes across as caring more they have questioned you rather than working out what is best for the child you say you care so much about

No, her younger brother has lots of friends and is thriving in his class. It’s unfair to force him to move schools when there’s no reason for him to.

my daughter has looked around another local school. But it isn’t possible to get her there on time and collect her on time. And if I was to put my son in breakfast club and after school club, it’d be unaffordable.

would you like your child to be in a room where chairs are thrown, water bottles are smashed etc , a kid screaming and shouting so much the whole class are regularly evacuated?
there’s absolutely nothing wrong with homeschooling and tons of people are now doing it. There are home schooling groups, my daughters nanna (my husbands mum) is a primary school teacher, so she’d also have free tuition for the more important subjects.

like I said I haven’t even decided yet I was purely discussing all the options with my family members. I’m having a few more meetings with school in the coming weeks.

no, I’m venting about something.

You can't ask about the disruptive child, the school should not and will not give you any details about the actions they are taking for them. You can only ask how they will keep your child safe and able to participate. But it sounds like the school have not managed to find a way to handle this child if they are all 10 years old and it's still ongoing.

Is there really no way at all that you could find the money for breakfast club so that your DD could attend a different school? Surely that will be cheaper than home educating?

theres no harm in trying homeschooling and see how it goes.

your daughter could always go back into school if it’s not working out.

school isn’t for every child, and many children come out of the schooling system scarred and it affects them in adulthood.

what’s the time difference between collections between the two schools?

OP

it might mean inconvenience and extra expense

but you need to do this for your daughter

and she’s approaching an age when she will be able to walk to and from school

exactly

Home Education sounds a wonderful idea- and you’re right, child-led learning is the best way to go. I think a lot of people have misconceptions still, and believe the child should be sitting doing written work for 6 hours a day which really isn’t the case. The child is constantly learning. I say go for it 💜

It’s unfair to force him to move schools when there’s no reason for him to.

don’t be so dramatic
you don’t have to
she’s one year from secondary when she’ll be going to a different school anyway

Ask the education department about alternative places to educate dd. My ds 15 goes to a college for 14-18 year olds. 8 in a class. 6 classes... He is doing much better... He was enduring bullying..
From the teachers..

Make a formal complaint to the school that they are failing in their duty to safeguard your child who is experiencing emotional harm at school. I have a son like this child you describe he's they way he is due to SEND and he basically got kicked out of school less than half a term into reception due to these behaviours. Wasn't classed as disability discrimination because it was impacting other kids and it was an academy. If your school is a maintained school they won't be able to kick the child out in this way. Over 3 years later my still has no school place as every school day not safe for other students. I'm fucking angry at the lack of SEND provision for these kids but equally I can see ow unfair it is for a whole class to suffer in this way. Please please consider supporting send reform and raise awareness. You won't believe how disgusting the situation is for special needs kids there just are not the schools for them so they are forced into mainstream.

I home educate my daughter as she is the other end of the SEN spectrum she's very anxious and struggling with the behaviour of other children. I know lots of the home Ed community seems almost any national curriculum but please consider your dd future. I want to bang my head on a wall the amount of posts I see in my home Ed groups wondering how their kid can go to college or get a job when they have no qualifications and can't manage to do functional skills because they never focused on that during home Ed. They literally fucked up their kids future and could not see that coming. Yes some kids are not suited to the NC, legally you have to provide education suitable yo their aptitude ability and SEND. My boy who is out of school doesn't follow the NC as it's beyond his ability and I think this is different. I (mostly) follow the NC for my ds because I want her to have the same opportunities in life as school educated children.

People always do comment on home Ed it feels like the world is against you and if you go ahead with it you will get it from all sides. But in my opinion looking at he education many home Ed kids are receiving these commenters have a point half the time

Thankyou , yes it’s a tough one. Her nanna is a primary school teacher so that’s helpful, she’d have a free tutor!
but I actually have a science background myself, i went to uni and did biology, and worked in a microbiology lab. So I’m all about fun science stuff! My kids love science. My daughter wants to be an astrophysicist! She loves space mostly. My son said he wants to work in kfc lol. He loves fried chicken. I told him whatever he ends up doing I’ll be very proud!

yes I’ve got some more meetings coming up with school. I’ve thought the exact same thing! , school have said that the council won’t offer any funding for him, so all those staff members are out of schools pocket and they don’t have any more money . Which I understand, but clearly that isn’t helping.
her teacher has said she’ll bring it up in the next staff meeting to see if any of the other teachers have any ideas.
but so far they are just evacuating the class as it’s easier than trying to remove him.
and even with the reduced hours , she’s still there until 2pm so she’s still in that environment. I did ask if she could flexi school and the school didn’t want to do that. I thought it’d be a good idea as she’s home school 2 days a week. But of course the school have to agree to flexi schooling we can’t choose. So I really have been considering absolutely everything.

i read with the children in my sons class sometimes to help out as all the assistants are in my daughters class. And I’ve heard it. It’s blood curdling screams like someone’s being attacked. It’s very distressing. I’ve seen children in tears leaving the room in an evacuation, sometimes the head teachers runs in to help the teaching assistants. And they are missing their lessons!

of course he needs help and is being let down himself , I feel very sorry for him. But of course I’m concerned for my own child.

it’s a tough situation. But I came on here just to vent , because of all this and because of my family basically saying I don’t know my own child etc when I’m trying my best to help her. And look at the comments! , I’m glad you’ve given a constructive and polite comment. So Thankyou.

If your husbands nanna is a primary school teacher I would speak to her about whether she's prepared to do some hours with your daughter.

Your DD will be going to secondary soon anyway so she could start at secondary whether you homeschool for the rest of primary or not.

Either way I think you need to get your daughter out of there asap.

Then sort out some schooling (home or otherwise) until secondary if that is what you choose to do

Thankyou, yes it is awful! My daughter actually has autism so that’s actually a big factor for her, she can’t handle the screaming etc and feels really scared hearing the chairs hit the wall etc. it’s really distressing for her.

I don’t want it to come across as I’m blaming the boy, I feel very sorry for him. He’s not receiving any support. And he’s obviously struggling too.

im sorry that your children have also been let down by the crappy system! I’ve been going through camhs since class 1, my daughter is in class 5 now and she’s only just been offered an assessment. Everyone knows she’s autistic, camhs have said it, healthcare professionals etc. but she’s got another 12 months before the actual assessment.

she’s got ear defenders etc in class but it doesn’t help. She’s having panick attacks every day etc.

Thankyou for sharing your experience. I don’t think any of us can predict what’s 100% the right thing to do. We can only try our best. And the whole system is a joke!

im still exploring everything and im on my 6th formal complaint. But I’ve got more meetings with school coming up! So I’ll try my best. I’ve told them it’s a safeguarding issue and tons of parents have already complained , even the non SEN kids are falling behind as they’re unable to complete any work.

im going to ring citizens advice too , and possibly ofsted?

but yeah I was just venting about my sister etc being really judgemental and not having their facts right etc and now , well you’re right you get it from all sides when homeschooling is mentioned! lol.

thankyou for listening, and I do hope things go well with your children etc.

do you work op?

Thankyou. Yes I did discuss with her and she’s happy to do maths and English on a weekend (if it comes to that) so she’s doing some things within the national curriculum. Just for like you say with high school etc. for GCSEs it’s better to have those subjects in the way school do it regardless. Or she might be confused.

thankyou , it’s heartbreaking seeing her like this , as she was such a happy little girl before all this started. She still struggled with certain scenarios but she wasn’t anywhere near this bad. I have to stand there with a lump in my throat acting fine when she’s sobbing begging not to go. When I actually feel like crying because I feel guilty for forcing her to go.
ive gone home and cried a few times. I know she’s 10 and she’s pretty much a preen, but she’s my baby. I just want her to be happy.

Thankyou , her mental health is most important at the moment and I can’t stand seeing her so sad.

It’s only around 15mins which is annoying as I’d have to pay for the full hour for both breakfast club and after school club.

yes there’s a huge stigma around home schooling. You’re right too it’s not a big final decision, they can go to school again etc.

for my daughter in particular, she’s top of her class, she LOVES learning and asked for science books for Christmas. She spends her free time reading books , highlighting interesting facts etc with her highlighter pens, she teachers herself how to draw etc, at the moment she’s learning how to draw realistic dragons and she’s genuinely amazing!

my son however , he’s 7 and he needs to be in school. He needs that structure and discipline etc. and he does thrive in a classroom environment. At home he is very interested in certain things, he has lots of encyclopaedias etc. but he loses interest quickly and wants to go play Nintendo switch or go play football in the garden. He can only do short bursts of things. At school it isn’t his mum telling him something and he doesn’t have the distractions of his bedroom etc , so he concentrates better.

so I fully agree with you, every child is different and it isn’t for everyone.

im hoping school come up with a solution but im not feeling like they will at this point. I feel like im being fobbed off every time i talk to them. That’s why i discussed it with my family as i feel deflated. And was upset with the judgement etc.

I’m so sorry your child had to experience that! You’d think grown adults would know better!! , I’m so glad he’s doing better. That must of been really frustrating for you!

I had a horrible teacher in school. I’m 30 and still think of it now! Teachers need to understand how their behaviour affects people’s lives.