Family members giving unwanted parenting advice

[ThisDreamyTurtle]

Hi mums!, so my daughter is really struggling in school. There’s a boy throwing chairs etc screaming all day etc, the class get evacuated daily, nobody is learning etc

my daughter hasn’t had any support, her mental health has declined massively etc and I’ve exhausted everything (been to the school, council, governors etc) she’s been on reduced hours which didn’t help, I’ve been through camhs etc. we’ve looked around another school and it isn’t doable due to my son being happy in his class and breakfast club isn’t affordable.

I was telling my mum and sister , and said if nothing gets done soon I’ll have to home school her. Because she’s having actual panick attacks every day now.

and my sister said well I’ll have to take courses as her friend did when she homeschooled. So I told her no, you don’t need qualifications to homeschool, and don’t have to follow the national curriculum etc.
she said yes you do have to follow the correct curriculum! And I’d have to apply, so I explained to her that no you don’t apply, you just deregister and the council will contact me in their own time. And I don’t need to follow a curriculum I can base learning around my child etc. and politely asked her to research it.

anyway my mum and sister are both saying it not doing what’s best for my child and she has to be in school or she won’t learn anything, won’t socialise etc and I’d be taking her out of society!

I mean, I’ve done plenty of research. I’ve researched all avenues of every option way in advance as obviously I havnt decided yet and my daughter has input too. She’s 10 and understands the options etc. so no, even if she does homeschool she isn’t taken out of society at all!
I also know my own daughter! So how dare they suggest I don’t know what’s best for her!
im the one sat with her every night when she cries, im the one taking her to school every day watching her sob and beg to go home as soon as we get near her classroom. I’m the one coaxing her into the room, watching a teaching assistant try to convince her to go into another room and calm down before going in. I see her go to her room after school , feeling like she can’t breathe, already worried about the next day.

I don’t want to fall out with them but they’ve really overstepped here. And I’m actually really annoyed. I didn’t ask for their opinion and don’t need it.
especially when they can’t be bothered to research it before commenting. And being wrong.

suppose I needed a rant , but are any of your families like this?

I don’t agree with some of my sisters parenting methods but I never say anything. Because that’s her child not mine! So I’m respectful. Shame she isn’t the same towards me.

What an odd thing to say.

and what’s my stance?

Thankyou. I don’t understand why people think children are “taken out of society “

I think it’s lack of education on the subject. That’s why I was politely suggesting that my sister researches it.

My daughter would still see people! She wouldn’t be locked in a dungeon 😂

there’s tons of ways kids can socialise!

Thankyou for being kind.

You can quote the post you’re replying to using the button. Makes it easier to read the thread.

I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering like this 💐

The boy's needs are not being met by the school so they should exclude him. I cannot believe the other children have to try to learn in such conditions.

Oh! Sorry I didn’t know , I’m new to the forum 😅 Thankyou for the heads up!

I agree , I don’t understand why they haven’t done so. They’ve excluded him for the following day if his outbursts have been particularly bad. But they won’t permanently exclude him, the head teacher said it’s because it’s frowned upon with SEN kids when I last spoke to her, as I did ask why this was allowed to continue.

nobody feels safe, not the kids or the staff!

for how many years has your daughter endured this?

Doing nothing and allowing her to suffer isn’t an option. I’m not sure why you think it’s “being dramatic” wanting my child to be happy.

so I fully agree with you, every child is different and it isn’t for everyone.

the school is great for your son
the school is dire for your daughter
you aren’t moving her because your son is happy and the cost of breakfast club for him

You daughter can walk to a different school OR you suck up the cost of breakfast club for one year and then she’d be going to secondary anyway

Do you work?

I’m sorry I did reply by clicking add pay underneath your comment , but I wasn’t aware I wasn’t replying to you! Another poster has made me aware of this and told me what to click 😅

but Thankyou!

oh sweet jesus

way to misinterpret

you have been farting around with the school for years and nothing has worked

For most of us… watching our child endure years of this torture as you have done so… would have resulted in a change of school

The head should not be talking to you about another child's exclusion or not, and if I were the parent of that child I would be livid that casual conversations with other parents were being had about my child.

Does your DD have an EHCP?

Tbh, this school sounds terrible and I wouldn't send your DD there for one more day, given what you've described. Can you find any other local school that would be possible for you to get to, that has a space? Practically anywhere else would be better right now.

I actually have told his mum! And she’s aware of what’s going on. She’s been complaining herself. She wanted him to go to a SEN school but there are no places and the council have said he has to stay there , so he isn’t allowed to be home schooled or anything.
I told her what they’ve said to me about him too.
we all chat at pick up times, she knows everything.

Where in my posts did I give a time frame?

By the way, the council cannot insist that this child that's causing the disruption cannot be home educated. That's not within their power. Parents can withdraw their child from state education and educate them themselves, whenever they choose to.

Unfortunately it’s happened to another child. He’s non verbal autistic and his mum was forced to send him to school (the same school my child attends but in another class)

I really don’t know the ins and outs as they’re not my kids, but they are forced to attend.

I was telling my mum and sister , and said if nothing gets done soon I’ll have to home school her. Because she’s having actual panick attacks every day now.

......

Why on earth have you let it get to that stage?

Never send her in again.

There are some very limited exceptions in specific circumstances. For example, if they had been home-educated already but the local authority had decided that, after inspecting what was being delivered at home, the child was not being appropriately educated they could then issue a School Attendance Order. So maybe that's possible in the case of the child you mention.

The issue here seems to clearly be that there aren't enough Special School places for children with moderate to severe needs, and that primary schools are not being given sufficient extra funds to effectively work with these children if they are forced to remain in an unsuitable school.

Either way, given the severe reaction your DD is having regarding going to school, I would not send her to the school at all. If you can home educate then do that, or find a way to get her into a different school as soon as you can.

Yes I only know what parents have told me so I’m unsure of their specific reasons.

it’s awful isn’t it. The system is horrendous and like you say no funding!

thankyou for the advice, I do think that’s become the final option. I’m going to see what they say as we’ve got some meetings planned , I do doubt they’ll do anything further. I suppose if I deregister though I could still look at options. And in the meantime she’d be home and would still receive education.

Panic attacks are not uncommon in autistic children. If I was to never do something when she became overwhelmed , we’d sit at home every day and never leave the house.

obviously the situation has worsened her anxiety and her mental health has declined. Hence why I’ve been exploring all options for my child. I have to research everything first, I can’t just take her out of school on a whim and hope for the best.
ive been doing everything I can to keep her in school and make things better for her so she can learn in a safe environment.
obviously this hasn’t gone well, so I’ve explored other options and said I’m considering home schooling, which I’ve now researched and weighed up.

she’s had part time hours, and had mental health days when she’s too overwhelmed. So basically a day off that school authorise.
so no I haven’t “allowed” it at all.

since September.

so around 9 months. And during that time she’s had some mental health days (authorised days off) , and went on part time hours.

I’ve complained multiple times, I’ve been in to collect her multiple times, I’ve been to the governors, the council etc. I’ve researched other schools, looked into private education, looked into home education and home ed groups, and been speaking with her GP, CAMHS etc to see if they can help with school, I’ve asked if she can flexi school and the school said no. I’ve also paid for private counselling because camhs have a huge waiting list.

so no, I haven’t sat here doing nothing, and haven’t taken any decision lightly either.

What will it take to get you to remove your child from the school?

Stop sending her there.

Would you go to work in a place where you didn't feel safe every bloody weekday for months in end?

un fathomable isn’t it?

Would you go to work in a place where you didn't feel safe every bloody weekday for months in end? because your brother was happy there?

so no, I haven’t sat here doing nothing, and haven’t taken any decision lightly either.

what decision?