‘D’ H useless - help

[Arosebyanyothername55]

I’m fully expecting ‘LTB’ responses here but I’d really like any advice from those who have been in similar situations and whether anything helped or if it’s a lost cause. Apologies this is long!

DH and I have a 3 month old LO, and unfortunately my feelings towards DH are pretty much non existent now as I’m just so utterly disappointed in his attitude towards parenting and our domestic lives. I can’t believe I’m writing this as it’s such a cliche.

i’m on maternity leave from a very well paid, well respected job (I say this part because it is relevant). DH also has a high powered job and works long hours (often more than he needs to of his own choice), out the house usually 7am to 7pm, sometimes later. He’s always been quite useless with housework, classic ‘doesn’t see mess’ and needs instruction but pre baby I used to be on top of things, didn’t mind doing most housework and cooking as I enjoyed it and mostly WFH so fitted a couple of things in where I could. I know this was a mistake getting into this dynamic!!

Now I am on mat leave it is like he has decided that despite the fact looking after a baby is a 24/7 job, that I am also responsible for everything in the house, life admin, cooking and 99% of care for LO. Whilst to a certain extent yes, I think whilst I’m at home during the day it makes sense for me to get chores done as and when I can (and I do!) and I don’t mind cooking as a break from LO duties.

However, I so rarely get a break from these duties to do anything. When DH is home he seems to think that he’s entitled to complete rest and he will only do things with LO on his terms. Dinner needs cooking? If he’s not ‘finished this email’ or ‘finished this game on Xbox’ or ‘gone to the loo’ then it’s up to me to juggle distracting LO or waiting until LO naps or just accepting doing everything one handed.

He just seems to have an utter disregard for my wellbeing. He has never suggested I have a break. He’s never done what a lot of DPs do and taken LO out for an hour so I can have a break or even get some chores done so can relax later. He doesn’t cook for me. I’m breastfeeding but he doesn’t seem to care that if I don’t cook then we basically won’t eat dinner as I am still getting sleep where I can at night when LO sleeps. He would happily just wait until midnight to eat or eat rubbish instead. If we are having a difficult evening with LO then I’ll come down in the morning and the dishwasher hasn’t been done and things all over the surfaces as DH didn’t think to do anything in the 2+ hours he had to himself after LO and I went to bed.

classic today was the carpets are looking awful and need a vacuum. I don’t like to do this when LO isn’t watched as can’t keep an eye on them. I asked DH if he could have LO while I whip round the vacuum and he said ‘I haven’t had lunch yet’. He’s just sitting playing on his Xbox. It’s been 2 hours and I’ve given up and will take LO out for a walk on my own shortly. Yet he’ll find the most random things to do instead, he’s taken all the tags off LO’s new, bigger clothes and put them on a wash yet there are far more urgent chores that need doing.

I know he loves LO and is so proud but within a few minutes it’s usually ‘I think LO is hungry’. He’s looked after LO for an hour or so a handful of times when I’ve had to go out for a break or done something where LO couldn’t come and has been fine, I know he’s capable.

I had an emergency c section and in the initial couple of weeks he was great and did a lot as I physically couldn’t. It’s like he’s decided I no longer require any breaks or assistance and it’s 100% my job, 24/7 and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants when he’s not working. I feel he’s lost respect for me because I’m now at home.

We are doomed, right?

I really feel for you. I felt similar with my first child - maybe different reasons but I felt very much alone doing everything. I think for my DH, parenting a small baby didn’t come naturally and when he could see that I could settle her successfully much quicker than he could then that was always the answer - I was ‘better’ at it in his mind so it was easier for me to do it all. The reality was that I was quicker because I did it 99.9% of the time.
Honestly, not even thinking about our relationship for a minute, the relationship between DH and DD ultimately suffered as she grew up a bit. She preferred me to do everything and sought me out for comfort. I think he regrets those early days and has worked hard as she has gotten older to repair and nourish their relationship.
We have another DD now, she’s very new, and this time it’s infinitely better. I know many on MN might have warned me not to have another with him but seeing him work to change told me everything I needed to know for this time round.
Ultimately I think you need to be completely honest about how you are feeling and his response will tell you what your next move might be.

Have you talked to him? I know you shouldn’t have to but have you?

For the house I’d get a cleaner but I’d do that anyway regardless of a useless DH - I assume you can afford one?

I’d also start telling him to do more - like the vacuuming or asking why the dishwasher isn’t sorted. Are you standing up for yourself here?

I’d also go out and leave him and the baby to it for a couple of hours.

When he’s saying he hasn’t had lunch, just give her to him, he won’t explode if he is a little hungry with a baby on his lap. If he has the baby and tries to give her back saying shes hungry because he can’t be arsed, say she isn’t hungry.

Dishwasher etc, just don’t do it apart from some bare essentials for you, same with food, don’t make him any, don’t wash his clothes etc. If he can’t see it, you can’t either. It sadly isn’t surprising as he was already treating you as the housekeeper before the baby.

As you know he’s capable go out for your walk without the baby, and do it more often, hopefully the more he has to have her own his own, he will slowly get better at it.

If you’re going to stay with him, you need to make sure that prior to your return to work, you make it clear that parenting is the responsibility of both and that you won’t be reducing your hours to be his slave.

You need to have The Conversation before the resentment really sets in, otherwise it's very hard to come back from (speaking from experience!). Sit him down and tell him this is unacceptable. Draw up a list of all the tasks you currently do and divvy them up between you both. Get him to look after your baby every day while you shower/ go for a walk/ lie down- maybe have a set time which is your time so he knows to have finished his gaming/ eating/ having a poo by then. If he hasn't, tough shit- just hand baby over and go off. This really needs to change now otherwise you'll end up (rightfully) resentful at his crapness.

The best advice I was given with a new baby was not to make any major relationship decisions within the first year.

My DH wasn't quite as bad, but it was a major shift in our relationship. We found it best to be really transparent with each other about what we needed and what needed to be done. In the evenings when I was with the baby feeding endlessly he knew a certain number of tasks that needed to be done in the kitchen etc. He was far from perfect but I'm sure I wasn't either. Honest conversations helped.

If it's helpful it's definitely improved as the children have got older - they both were really reliant on me for the first year and breastfed too but from then he could gradually take more on and the balance came back. It does get easier!

Dinner needs cooking and he's on the Xbox? Dinner doesn't get cooked then! You either have the baby while he cooks or he holds her while you cook - his choice - but you can't do both! My DH would always come home from his (busy, senior etc etc) job and do bathtime - this was nice bonding time for him and DC while I had a breather or tidied the kitchen. At the weekend, have you asked him to hold DC while you have a break? Don't be shy to ask!

This is sadly common and doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. Some men do get the hang of it and step up.

Also I would get a cleaner if you can afford one. Worth every penny IMO!

He’s working 12 hour days in a high stress job, I don’t really know how much extra help you’re realistically going to squeeze out of him. In the old days you’d have grandmas and aunties gathering around to help but now we have overworked exhausted nuclear families. My advice would be to get a cleaner, outsource your washing and ironing and pay someone to do some batch cooking and then revisit the situation in 6 months. In the meantime think seriously about whether you want more kids with this man.

I’d start with choices

Do you want to hold the baby or cook dinner?

Do you want to vaccum or take DD out in the pram?

To DH at a similar age

‘How will you manage a 50/50 split when we divorce?

Get them thinking.

I think all you can do is say what you have said here - seeing how little you care for my well-being is making me fall out of love with you and, if you don’t get your shit together and step up, it will end our relationship. Then have three or four “demands” that you expect him to deliver consistently eg 1. You have to have the baby for at least an hour every Saturday while I get time to myself, 2. You have to cook dinner or hold the baby while I do between x o’clock and x o’clock every single day 3. You have to load and empty the dishwasher at least once a day, every day. If he can’t do that then honestly you won’t change him - because those things are completely deliverable with a tiny ounce of planning and care.

(I also agree with getting a cleaner and a load of dinners from Cook)

The principles are equal leisure time and equal disposable money.

he works 7-7 out of the home, and you are working 7-7 in the home. When he gets home is there are family/household thing to do then you split them. Equally at weekends - one lie in each. If he gets time to play golf or go out with friends then you get equivalent time to yourself.

I was the partner with the high stress 7-7 job and my wife had maternity leave. Unless I was working away I always got home for 7 to do bathtime and read to the kids.

I think this is good advice.
I also think most women think about divorcing their husbands at some point in the first year after having each baby!!!!

On that basis what you are experiencing is very common.

Its trial and error as to what works. I was just trying to get through it so was results focused.
I experimented with diff tactics
What i found helpful short term was treating him i like was line managing him / training an exec. He hated it and complained i said the same thing everytime "i hate it too. But what else am i supposed do to do?"

I also favoured choices do you want to change baby or clean up the sick? 😅 and also natural consequences... so i watch him put the nappy on poorly amd would "need to do x" so he could feed the baby and get covered in piss. Then I'd make him change the baby before taking baby back...when baby was bigger id let him go out he'd forget the nappies/ milk / rain cover and he'd feel the consequences...

I also stopped doing any of his laundry and let him sort his own meals out. I was on a "diet" and had freezer meals i ate. The food ran laughably low repeatedly but after a while it twigged there wasnt a fridge fairy magically replenishing the food in the house

Edit: @HermioneWeasleys post is also good.
Bedtimes insist on alternating now. If you do an extra night he pays you back.
If you dont do this, for your childs sake as well as your own, start now
We have never had to deal with "only mummy knows how to put the baby to bed" because i made sure i wasnt on the hook for it.

Thanks for the really thoughtful replies so far, everyone. They actually make me feel quite sad cos I realise how low I could set the bar for him and he probably still wouldn’t reach it.

If I’m honest I think I’ve just given up expecting things of him and asking because there’s always a ‘just a minute’ or ‘I’m busy doing x’ or ‘I’ve just got back from work, had a shit day’ and my priority is what my LO needs and so I end up making sure they are ok and f* DH.

there’s been times when I’ve, in advance, told him I’m going out with a friend for coffee and he needs to have LO for a couple of hours (this has only been a handful of times) and he’s been ok but invariably LO has cried the whole time and I feel like I just get home and it’s instantly back to me doing everything.

I do like the ‘how would you cope with a 50/50 split after divorce’ question because honestly I don’t know how he would cope!

Thank you - cynically I think to myself ‘well, he’ll realise how shit he was when he has no relationship with LO’ but in reality I’m sure they’ll grow up just thinking hes the fun dad who plays with them and im boring Mum, always stressed!

I’ve tried this reasoning with him - that I’m working all day too and that we both are deserving of some down time but he’s either not here until late, or if he is here, I just get fed up of having to wait or deal with his huffiness if I ask him to do something that it’s honestly easier to just do it on my own.

Sometimes it’s just like living with a teenager!

Thankfully we do have a cleaner, so I lower my standards in between and just do bits here and there!! He was actually hesitant about whether we needed one - glad I won that debate!

I have said to him before the one holding LO can’t also be cooking dinner so he has a choice but somehow we always end up back in this pattern - I honestly feel like an idiot for getting in this situation!

i know I need to start being more firm about it, if he wants me to cook for him/us then he has to have LO while I do so.

Just writing these replies makes me realise how stubborn and unpleasant he can be tbh.

I think I do need to just leave him with LO more often, you’re right.

I don’t wash his clothes, I’ve always drawn the line there. However I just couldn’t cope with the mess if I were to only clean up mine and LO’s dishes etc, he would likely leave stuff for days. And I would get the ‘I work x hours a week!!!’ argument.

if I was able to have some more breaks and him at least holding LO while I do things then I think things would feel better.

Love this - what was your DH response?

Thanks - I think I do need to say that. I just need to pick the right moment when I’m not feeling too sleep deprived for the inevitable argument and he’s not ‘just got in from work’ or whatever other excuse.

you are right, they are tiny and should be deliverable. He could unload the dishwasher before work but because he’s always last minute for everything he’s always on the cusp of being late for his train and so ‘wouldn’t have time’.

I saw his flat when we first started dating, it was a state and now I know why.

The thing is, I actually am very happy to do the majority of stuff for LO, we are in a lovely routine together and I feel ok in that regard. But, it’s the other stuff that I resent having to run ragged to do. Maybe that’s the solution, if he wants me to be the caregiver 99% of the time he has to do more around the house.

I'm 19 years down the road from your situation but my husband was the same. I never got a break. He would always expect todo nothing if he wasn't at work and my work was 24/7 ( we had 3 kids in under 4 years).
We separated 4 years ago and I'm hoping our divorce will be settled by our 20th wedding anniversary. It's so much better without him here because, whilst I still have to do everything, there isn't another adult in the house to piss me off.
You need to get it through to him sooner rather than later. Either he recognises the disparity in your working hours or there is a mountain of resentment being stored up for a few years along the journey. All the best.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this is how I feel, if he wasn’t here I wouldn’t be losing much because it’s so rare I can hand over LO and it would be one less person to factor in - I could just do what I want to suit me and LO. Of course splitting up now would be a huge upheaval when we have a small baby. Lots to think about.

what was the ultimate trigger for you to finally separate? How old are your DC now?

I’d be raising that bar right now. What’s he going to do if you’re returning to work?