I’m fully expecting ‘LTB’ responses here but I’d really like any advice from those who have been in similar situations and whether anything helped or if it’s a lost cause. Apologies this is long!
DH and I have a 3 month old LO, and unfortunately my feelings towards DH are pretty much non existent now as I’m just so utterly disappointed in his attitude towards parenting and our domestic lives. I can’t believe I’m writing this as it’s such a cliche.
i’m on maternity leave from a very well paid, well respected job (I say this part because it is relevant). DH also has a high powered job and works long hours (often more than he needs to of his own choice), out the house usually 7am to 7pm, sometimes later. He’s always been quite useless with housework, classic ‘doesn’t see mess’ and needs instruction but pre baby I used to be on top of things, didn’t mind doing most housework and cooking as I enjoyed it and mostly WFH so fitted a couple of things in where I could. I know this was a mistake getting into this dynamic!!
Now I am on mat leave it is like he has decided that despite the fact looking after a baby is a 24/7 job, that I am also responsible for everything in the house, life admin, cooking and 99% of care for LO. Whilst to a certain extent yes, I think whilst I’m at home during the day it makes sense for me to get chores done as and when I can (and I do!) and I don’t mind cooking as a break from LO duties.
However, I so rarely get a break from these duties to do anything. When DH is home he seems to think that he’s entitled to complete rest and he will only do things with LO on his terms. Dinner needs cooking? If he’s not ‘finished this email’ or ‘finished this game on Xbox’ or ‘gone to the loo’ then it’s up to me to juggle distracting LO or waiting until LO naps or just accepting doing everything one handed.
He just seems to have an utter disregard for my wellbeing. He has never suggested I have a break. He’s never done what a lot of DPs do and taken LO out for an hour so I can have a break or even get some chores done so can relax later. He doesn’t cook for me. I’m breastfeeding but he doesn’t seem to care that if I don’t cook then we basically won’t eat dinner as I am still getting sleep where I can at night when LO sleeps. He would happily just wait until midnight to eat or eat rubbish instead. If we are having a difficult evening with LO then I’ll come down in the morning and the dishwasher hasn’t been done and things all over the surfaces as DH didn’t think to do anything in the 2+ hours he had to himself after LO and I went to bed.
classic today was the carpets are looking awful and need a vacuum. I don’t like to do this when LO isn’t watched as can’t keep an eye on them. I asked DH if he could have LO while I whip round the vacuum and he said ‘I haven’t had lunch yet’. He’s just sitting playing on his Xbox. It’s been 2 hours and I’ve given up and will take LO out for a walk on my own shortly. Yet he’ll find the most random things to do instead, he’s taken all the tags off LO’s new, bigger clothes and put them on a wash yet there are far more urgent chores that need doing.
I know he loves LO and is so proud but within a few minutes it’s usually ‘I think LO is hungry’. He’s looked after LO for an hour or so a handful of times when I’ve had to go out for a break or done something where LO couldn’t come and has been fine, I know he’s capable.
I had an emergency c section and in the initial couple of weeks he was great and did a lot as I physically couldn’t. It’s like he’s decided I no longer require any breaks or assistance and it’s 100% my job, 24/7 and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants when he’s not working. I feel he’s lost respect for me because I’m now at home.
We are doomed, right?