‘D’ H useless - help

[Arosebyanyothername55]

I’m fully expecting ‘LTB’ responses here but I’d really like any advice from those who have been in similar situations and whether anything helped or if it’s a lost cause. Apologies this is long!

DH and I have a 3 month old LO, and unfortunately my feelings towards DH are pretty much non existent now as I’m just so utterly disappointed in his attitude towards parenting and our domestic lives. I can’t believe I’m writing this as it’s such a cliche.

i’m on maternity leave from a very well paid, well respected job (I say this part because it is relevant). DH also has a high powered job and works long hours (often more than he needs to of his own choice), out the house usually 7am to 7pm, sometimes later. He’s always been quite useless with housework, classic ‘doesn’t see mess’ and needs instruction but pre baby I used to be on top of things, didn’t mind doing most housework and cooking as I enjoyed it and mostly WFH so fitted a couple of things in where I could. I know this was a mistake getting into this dynamic!!

Now I am on mat leave it is like he has decided that despite the fact looking after a baby is a 24/7 job, that I am also responsible for everything in the house, life admin, cooking and 99% of care for LO. Whilst to a certain extent yes, I think whilst I’m at home during the day it makes sense for me to get chores done as and when I can (and I do!) and I don’t mind cooking as a break from LO duties.

However, I so rarely get a break from these duties to do anything. When DH is home he seems to think that he’s entitled to complete rest and he will only do things with LO on his terms. Dinner needs cooking? If he’s not ‘finished this email’ or ‘finished this game on Xbox’ or ‘gone to the loo’ then it’s up to me to juggle distracting LO or waiting until LO naps or just accepting doing everything one handed.

He just seems to have an utter disregard for my wellbeing. He has never suggested I have a break. He’s never done what a lot of DPs do and taken LO out for an hour so I can have a break or even get some chores done so can relax later. He doesn’t cook for me. I’m breastfeeding but he doesn’t seem to care that if I don’t cook then we basically won’t eat dinner as I am still getting sleep where I can at night when LO sleeps. He would happily just wait until midnight to eat or eat rubbish instead. If we are having a difficult evening with LO then I’ll come down in the morning and the dishwasher hasn’t been done and things all over the surfaces as DH didn’t think to do anything in the 2+ hours he had to himself after LO and I went to bed.

classic today was the carpets are looking awful and need a vacuum. I don’t like to do this when LO isn’t watched as can’t keep an eye on them. I asked DH if he could have LO while I whip round the vacuum and he said ‘I haven’t had lunch yet’. He’s just sitting playing on his Xbox. It’s been 2 hours and I’ve given up and will take LO out for a walk on my own shortly. Yet he’ll find the most random things to do instead, he’s taken all the tags off LO’s new, bigger clothes and put them on a wash yet there are far more urgent chores that need doing.

I know he loves LO and is so proud but within a few minutes it’s usually ‘I think LO is hungry’. He’s looked after LO for an hour or so a handful of times when I’ve had to go out for a break or done something where LO couldn’t come and has been fine, I know he’s capable.

I had an emergency c section and in the initial couple of weeks he was great and did a lot as I physically couldn’t. It’s like he’s decided I no longer require any breaks or assistance and it’s 100% my job, 24/7 and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants when he’s not working. I feel he’s lost respect for me because I’m now at home.

We are doomed, right?

I found having somewhere to put LO in every room helped generally when doing things at home, the bonus is, if he's on the loo/finishing a game etc, you can plonk baby down and inform him you're doing xyz and he's on baby duty. If baby starts crying you need to give him space to settle lo so he learns how.

I had a reflux and allergy baby who screamed all day. I had severe depression and cried all day. I did absolutely nothing in the house for the first 15 months except book online food shops and a little bit of washing. All of the cleaning, cooking and looking after the family my partner did. He worked full time out of the house at 5 am due to covid. He WFH every afternoon and regularly I had been unable to even make myself a drink because my baby couldn't be put down for more than 5 seconds until she was 5 months old.

I will be forever grateful for him selflessly and without complaint holding all of us up when we couldn't hold ourselves.

I would find a time when the little one doesn't need your undivided attention and have a frank conversation about expectations

Don’t give up as it’s early days, but don’t get walked over either. You need to treat him like a member of staff. You wouldn’t expect your team at work to just notice what needs doing - you give them clear tasks. Same for your DH. If he gets home at 7 he can finish bedtime while you cook. Then he can clear up while you put the washing on or whatever.

If he tells you he’s busy, then you say ok can you have it done by 10 past 12. Or just tell him straight there isn’t time to play Xbox when you have a newborn.

its shit having to treat your DH like an employee but it’s better than the alternative of becoming his dogsbody.

change is hard and many people will do anything to avoid it.

You are helping him if you force him to change.

My suggestion is get some jobs that are his from start to finish, and be immovable on picking up the slack for him if he forgets or runs out of time.

Get the list written down and agreed to by both, with an exact description of what it includes. So doing the bins involves recycling and collecting all the bins from around the house, then putting everything back in place with new bin bags…

Try and tailor the jobs to what he is naturally better at or prefers or fit with his schedule

Then split the weekends into lie ins. You get to stay in bed one morning until say 8.30, he gets the other morning. At 8.30. Or whatever time you decide it ends, the parent with the baby goes into the bedroom with a cup of coffee and hands over the baby (so the lie in er cant just not get up). And the lie in person doesnt have to be in bed for it to count, they can be having a coffee in the garden, a shower or reading or gaming.

Then arrange Daddy funtime. 2 hours on a Sat or Sun afternoon when he gets to have the baby and they leave the house for an activity without you. Its about him building his relationship with her long term. Its harder when they are little (walks with LO in a front carrier work and then coffee at a cafe) but a toddler can go to soft play or the playground and older dc can do weekend sports which DH can be responsible for, or even a trip to MacDs. Make sure every weekend you sit down and plan which 2 hr slot works best for everyone for the following weekend, and then put it in both of your online calendars.

During this time, you do something that fills your spirit, not jobs.

Working out how to live as a family can be hard work. You have to think, and plan, and try and adjust and try again…and then just when you have an acceptable balance, something changes and you have to start again. But it is worth putting in the effort.

It's definitely ultimatum time- give your demands, tell him you'll leave if he doesn't comply with them, and mean it.

I'm so sorry he's so useless, but it sounds like you and your little one will be fine without him. Do you have a close friend or relative who can take the baby for a couple of hours here and there if you and your husband do split up?

Or just tell him straight there isn’t time to play Xbox when you have a newborn.

TOO FUCKING RIGHT.

Re the cleaner my DH was also resistant
I wanted to up the hours when I went back I just listed the jobs and said unless he could right now commit to 3 hrs per week of cleaning I was doing it.

he wasn’t happy but cheered up a bit when I he found out the cleaner was going to iron his work shirts.

re: the “in a minute” the response is “no. Now now!”

you need to get shitty back with him unfortunately… I also agree its cards on the table / serious convo time

'Dishwasher etc, just don’t do it apart from some bare essentials for you, same with food, don’t make him any, don’t wash his clothes etc.'

IMO once relationships get into pettiness like this, things are turning even more south. You'll end up resenting each other even more.

I think you need to discuss with your dh an allocation of chores. For instance dh empties the bins, cuts the grass, i cook and hoover/clean. I'm the better cook out of the two of us, so it makes sense I do that . I do the laundry. Dh sorts most of the house admin We're not petty though so dh will hang washing, hoover if needed, and I'll empty bins if it is looking full and he is at work.

You need to have a discussion with your dh about working as a team. You have one child, not 3, this needs to change now. It really shouldn't be this way.

I've realised recently that men think that our thoughts/suggestions etc that we do that takes them into account is our ideal scenario. Cos they can't imagine taking the other person into account in their initial proposal...

What I have found helpful is asking them how everything is going, really listening, saying your piece and then asking 'what would you suggest to make it work?' Put it back on them.

Don't beat yourself up OP - both his and your behaviour is very deep and entrenched and hard to change. Good luck!

And the xbox needs to stop until your little one and jobs are sorted definately

Just tell him what to do

Can you feed LO
Can you grate the cheese for dinner
Can you empty the dishwasher

Etc, etc, ad nauseam

Deeply unattractive for you, but needs must

Or you'll just resent him even more

he wasn’t happy but cheered up a bit when I he found out the cleaner was going to iron his work shirts

^
Reading between the lines - it's okay to spend money on that when it's in his interests. If it's not in his interests (i.e. the wife does it anyway) he sees it as a waste of money.

I’ve found that being as whiny as they are helps. So if he is “too busy to cook because he’s on his Xbox” (which would seriously give me the rage) go and stand in front of him whinging over you’re hungry and what’s for tea, you can’t make it because you’re holding LO, when’s he making it because you’re really hungry. Just go on and on until he gets up and cooks.

They don’t change, you just have to get more hard hearted about being unavailable to rescue them. DH would happily let me do all the school runs, all the ferrying to activities, everything. Like a PP said, they seem to think us running around doing everything is our preferred option because we have nothing better to do, because if we had anything better to do we’d use that as an excuse to get out of it like they do.

Being “busy at work” some nights has meant that he has been forced to do all of that, plus cook tea and do bath and bedtime, and oh look he can do it perfectly well when he has to.

Op, would you consider going back to work early? Make DH wake up and smell the coffee a bit

I know you may not want to, as this time is precious.

I'm so angry for you and I come at this from the opposite scenario where I had an emergency section and a traumatic birth, and my husband couldn't do enough when we got home. 10 months down the line we still split the nights as we have a bad sleeper, I wake up and the kitchen is spotless, toys tidied away etc and just a true partnership. Simmering resentment is such a relationship killer otherwise. That shouldn't be unusual and I'm so angry your husband hasn't supported you when you're also breast feeding!! I couldn't sadly and am just in awe of women who do because they do all the wake ups at night and never really get more that short breaks so they're close by for cluster feeding etc.

It sounds like you need to have a proper talk, he needs to know how close you are to not being with him because of his selfishness. I can't believe he says things like I've not had lunch yet etc and playing the xbox! A luxury with a baby. If he doesn't step up then like you've said above are you losing anything? Both your lives have changed hugely with a baby arriving so what came before is irrelevant, if you did more chores then it's irrelevant. Looking after a baby is such a hard job too, small breaks are so valuable even just to cook in peace or a bath to unwind.

Try and tailor the jobs to what he is naturally better at or prefers or fit with his schedule

Wtf, @SeaToSki ? Imagine someone saying that to a woman!!!

DH worked hard with an 80 minute commute each way. He was always home for bedtime, always, he loves spending time with his child. Perhaps ask your husband if he actually loves his daughter because right now he isn't proving that in the way she needs most through care and attention of both her and you as her primary carer. Does he really hate you so much he wants you rundown and miserable......

@Happyinarcon

He’s working 12 hour days in a high stress job, I don’t really know how much extra help you’re realistically going to squeeze out of him.

Just to note he's got time to play the fucking Xbox. OP doesn't....

OP - any chance of going back to work a few months earlier and making him take over the rest of your maternity leave? Throwing him in at the deep end might be just the thing.

It's heart breaking that you essentially have to beg dh to hold baby while you do xyz. A decent dad enjoys holding baby and bonding so volunteers to do so regularly or jumps at the chance when asked.

My dh has a ps4 but tbh never plays it when the kids are awake (unless gaming with eldest!) he is wonderful and always takes care of the hoovering and a whole bunch of other shit (I never need to ask) and genuinely loves doing as much as he can for / with the kids. And he's a paramedic so don't let your dh fool you with the 'stressful job' bullshit anymore. Plenty of men out there that deal with real stress - like seeing a child die - and still want to be decent dads. I'd talk to your dh again op, he needs some serious home truths.

My DH was like that when mine were small. Two close together and no option for part time meant I was a SAHM and DH worked then did his own thing in the evening with little help with DC. I got a Saturday job to earn some extra money and told him the DC were his responsibility for one day a week. That meant he couldn't do his hobbies, watch TV or do DIY or hide in his man cave. He quickly learnt how hard it was and luckily improved. We moved areas after 3 months so I gave the job up but he had got better at helping out by then.

I would put your DC right beside him while he is playing x box then go and cook dinner. Or give him the choice. He holds DC or cooks but x box is not an option until chores done.

I have some sympathy for the view that making big relationship decisions in the first 12 months is not the way to go, I also think that you need to set the tone for the future in that time. There was a thread a few weeks ago about why so many dads are shit and there were quite a few people who said doing shared parental leave had massive benefits in how the load was shared once both parents were back at work. Parental leave might be a step too far for your DH but you need to make it clear that what's happening now isn't working for you and what needs to change. Out of curiosity, what's his dad like? My DH's dad was a very involved parent and it shows in how DH is with our DD.

This is exactly how me and my partner split our chores. My partner can't see into the future a know that if he has 2 pairs of pants left in 2 days he will have no pants so doesn't do washing until he has run out of pants. Similar with food. I do all the weekly tasks.
I don't see mess and I struggle with jobs that need doing daily. My family are inherently messy where as my partners family are uncomfortably neat so he does the things that need doing daily. Like cleaning the kitchen and loading the dishwasher. Of course it there is balance and we always help each other out but broadly I'm better with things that have to be foreseen so I do them. My partner is much better with the here and the now and he mostly does these jobs.

Working to one anothers strengths and weaknesses makes our lives easier!

Fair enough, @Superscientist, but your way relies on both partners being willing and able to do their share.

This is not the case with OP and her useless H.

Men and xboxes, I don't understand it, the same with bloody fantasy football! They're like teenagers.
Sorry, I digress.

Sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Is there someone else you could ask to have the baby for an hour or two on a weekend morning as a one off? If there is, I think I would arrange that and then sit your husband down and say “I asked x to watch the baby for us because we need to talk about what’s going on in our marriage.” He needs to realise how serious you are which a rushed conversation whilst you’re still on duty with her won’t achieve. Lay out to him how disappointed you are, how upset you are, how you know that it’s a really difficult time and you find it difficult too, but he has to commit to helping or it’s all going to be over before it’s even really begun.

I think fixed jobs that you don’t have to both negotiate over help. Eg he does the dishwasher daily, takes the baby for a solid hour either morning or evening, etc. If you can see that he’s trying then I think there is hope - people really can be at their worst in the early baby days and he genuinely might change. If he doesn’t try, that’s a different story. I hope things improve and that you’re ok.