Transition to sahm - leaving workforce due to childcare costs

[Sarah8418]

Advice about becoming a SAHM:
We have a 6yr old and a 2yr old.
I currently work in a support role in the NHS full time. Our nursery bill and afsc bill has gone up with col. I've done the maths and after these are deducted what's left of my wage is £3.33ph. Which is what I was on years ago as a student nurse. My husband said today I should quit my job and look after my 2yr old full time. Which is something we've been discussing as the col keeps rising, wages are not and childcare eats around 80% of my wage.
Once the funded hours start, were thinking of finding a playgroup or childminder and I can start my own business or a part time WFH role.

I'm just looking for any advice or guidance people may have around all of this and the transition.

We have no support network.
My dad is housebound and I care for him so it would really help with his care for me to not work full time.
My mum passed away when my little girl was born.
My husband's dad has caring commitments for grandchildren on his wife's side. My mil works full time so we rely heavily on paid childcare for me to work but I'm miserable.

The NHS is broken and everyone is fed up and I can't see any way forward atm. I've been promised progression again and again over the past 18yrs but because of constant cuts and issues with staffing I just can't seem to get any further. I've always sang and during lockdown I got a distinction in grade 8. I would love in an ideal world to perform professionally. I'm a classically trained soprano so maybe weddings would fit or recording work. I don't have many close friends so I really appreciate any support from this group. 💓

If you can afford it, I'd stay at home for a year or two, then once the younger starts school move to private tuition in singing (mainly adults if you're teaching during the week whilst the kids are at school). If you're social media savvy then start to build a profile now (e.g. some introductory lessons aimed at adults on YouTube, or some pithy takes on technique on tiktok).

By giving up work OP could end up in a position where she doesn't have the pension provision to retire at 67. She could get jobs on far lower pay after a couple years off, and could take years to work back to where she's is now if she chose to return if self employment didn't work out. Part time would be better part of both worlds if possible.

A few thoughts:

Is your job the sort you can come back to in 2/3 years at the same level of seniority and pay?

Do you have a plan for your lost pension contributions if you don't work?

Personally I would play the long game here and focus on the next 5/10 years rather than the here and now.

One I missed!

Can you reach a compromise and go part time? So you are still keeping your foot in but equally may be able to reduce childcare costs (since they are on par with your income?). You may find it more favourable from a tax situation to go PT, depends on your earnings.

I'd hang on in if you can, things will get so much easier soon, and then once 2nd is in primary.

What about your pension OP? Nursery costs will reduce before long. Focus on how to be successful in achieving promotion rather than giving up on your career. Can you get a mentor? Someone to help you put in good applications and interview well? I expect you have good experience but need to get better at selling yourself.

1. think of pension contributions and sick pay.

2. what happens if your husband dies or leaves you? How easy will it be to get back into the workforce? And at what grade if you step out for a few years now?

3. not sure where you are in the country or what level of vocal training you have but there are plenty of experienced singers, music college /conservatoire graduates who can't make a living through singing. Plus insecure and antisocial hours as PP have said.

I think you'd do better not to put your hopes on making income from singing. While Grade 8 is great, it would typically be expected for someone to have further training such as a diploma at least before they would get any work offered for classical recording or performance. There are a lot of good musicians that can't make a living. In addition, the timing and location of music performances are typically not going to be child friendly.

Therefore I think you'd have more income and long term career options from the NHS. You can maintain singing as something you enjoy.

Have you applied for the new two year funding? If you are in England, obviously.

Can I just mention how mind numbingly boring it is to spend most of your time with a two year old? I go to toddler groups every day etc, etc but it is all the same routine every day plus very lonely too sometimes. It isn't always that great.

As other are saying you will be financially vulnerable. Don't neglect your pension.

It's not free to stay home you will need to pay for more toys outings etc so make sure you factor that in. Also will you want to get a coffee with a friend? Etc where will that money come from.

Look into carers allowance for your care for your dad.

SAHM is a valid choice if it's what you want but that means you want it not that it works best financially. I had to give up work to care for my disabled child and it grates on me my life is meaningless when his dad can work and keep his life how it was. I'm single now but before my relationship ended I was very aware of things like I couldn't afford to get a coffee when out but my partner was getting coffee every lunch break. Also the fact he got a lunch break and the commute without kids when I can't even use the toilet alone. Be sure your partner will respect you and what you are doing and have a conversation around housework and childcare when your partner is home- lots of SAHM end up doing everything even when partners home. Also discuss your spending money etc. If you trust your partner and he respects the role you will be taking in then it's fine to choose it. Personally I'd love to work part time in your position I would work one weekend day where partner has kids and one or two weekdays/nights once your childcare hours kick in for the 2 year old.

It's not worth me working because childcare takes all my salary always makes me cross as an argument, a man would never say this and surely it takes the same amount from yours and DH salary, so they're both reduced by the same about, not just yours to £3 per hour...

However, it sounds like you'd quite like being a SAHM, so go for it if everybody is happy.

What do the figures look like if you go part time (if that's an option)? It can make quite a difference from a tax perspective as less of your income is taxed - you get the full personal allowance whether you work 1 day a week or 5. How does working part time affect your childcare costs? Is there any discount for using full time care, is more of your child care tax free if you go part time/ do any 'free' hours stretch further if not working full time. When I was in your situation, I was best off working 3 days a week- there was a really tiny financial benefit to working full time once all the factors were taken into account.

Calculate the real benefit of your pension - I'm guessing but I think you'll probably find your £3.33 ph is practically doubled when you add in what's going into your pension. I appreciate it doesn't help you with more money right now but it is money you won't be earning if you stop working.

Even at £3.33ph that's over £500 a month the household won't have.

Sorry, but making a living from performing is really really hard going, and really grade 8 is the absolute tip of the iceberg in terms of singing training. All professional classical singers I know have an undergrad from a conservatoire as a bare minimum.

Teaching music is also not as well paid as it used to seem, no increase in rates in years coupled with col crisis, and again, I'd expect a degree or diploma as a minimum. If you're somewhere in london/home counties you won't get a look in at school singing teacher jobs as there's so many grads from the colleges and universities.

Honestly you're not that far from the end of childcare years I woild stick it out, or reduce hours and see if you can find any gigs as you go.

I worked for 'nothing' for over two years when the DC were little. NHS. Nursery fees took the equivalent of my salary from the joint pot all this time.
Twenty years on it was the best decision I ever made. I kept my skills, my sanity and the power balance in our marriage, and my pension looks great. Never a single regret. Think long term.
Surely too your DF wouldn't be happy to let his needs be a factor in your decision. Can't he buy in care and leave you free? I wouldn't want my adult DC with jobs and families making such a personal and financial indefinite sacrifice.

Even after childcare for two children you’ll still get over £6k per year plus the generous NHS pension plus generous sick pay. That’s pretty good really. It won’t be forever, your second DC will be in school before long band you’ll just have the wrap around costs.

I have seriously considered becoming a SAHM but there’s a few things that have put me off a lot. Pension is the first obvious one. You need to not just calculate your take home hourly pay but also the value of your current pension contributions. It would be important to maintain those.

Secondly if your DD is 2 then you’re not far off funded hours as you say. Then even more funded hours when she turns 3. The high nursery costs are therefore a very short term issue. As soon as you get more funding your leftover take home pay will increase again.

Finally as pp say you have to think long term and nursing is much more lucrative than singing. Professionally trained singers are ten a penny and it’s extremely difficult to make a living from being a musician of any kind. The most reliable income is from teaching but you would be competing against people who have degrees in music, have been part of professional choirs, been to conservatoires etc. In all honesty I’d be surprised if you could make anything more than pocket money.

In the end my compromise is that I’m going very part-time for a while (initially returning to work after mat leave 3 days a week due to various factors but then dropping down to two days a week shortly after, which I will spread over three school days). This allows me to keep my foot in the door so to speak and also pay into a pension etc. Then I will increase my hours once kids are a bit older.

Don't do it. I was forced to when I left my first husband at short notice. I had toddlers and didn't get my split of savings, so there was absolutely no choice. I've never quite recovered seniority, pension and so on.

Go part time. Even one or two days a week. Keep your hand in until they are both in school/get their 30 hours.

You sound like you've had a very tough time and have a lot on your plate. Your grade 8 distinction is an achievement to be proud of, especially during the pressures of lockdown. (My greatest lockdown achievement was finding a shop that still had soap in stock when everyone was panic buying.)

Maybe the singing is something to pursue as a sideline or hobby to give you some breathing space and a sense of satisfaction you don't get at work.

I agree with pp about pension and the reality of competition in music careers.

There are also lots of people wanting WFH jobs but the number of part time wholly WFH jobs available is limited now, unless you have a very in-demand skillset. Did you have a specific role in mind?

Do you have access to an Employee Assistance Programme through work? If so you might be able to access some short term counselling to give you space to talk things through and figure out how you want to move forward or that could make life feel a bit less overwhelming.

My concern for you if you were my friend is that quitting work now would be painting yourself into a corner you won't be able to easily escape in future. In the long run it will probably be better to focus on ways to make things more manageable in the short term.

Yes he does. He's over the threshold for us to claim anything apart from child benefit.

Thank you for all the advice and replies. So many questions to answer!

So the nursery we use has had new management since last year and gone really downhill which is a deciding factor. As soon as the ratios increased the owners increase them to 5-1 kids and I've talked to the practitioners who look after my daughter and they are exhausted and miserable. Waiting lists for other nurseries nearby are long.

I've spent 18yrs working my way up from bottom of band 2 to top of band 4. So I don't have any registration but a ton of experience in various roles. Apprenticeships, secondments....always promised, never got to that stage. I can't afford to do an UG degree so I can't move forward in a clinical role. I've been in my current job for 6m and I get overlooked for interesting therapy/patients all the time so I'm bored alot at work. The team/job I had fell apart while I was on mat leave and the team we were tuped into lied about my new role so with a month left on mat leave I got a job health coaching in GP practices. But I received no line management, supervision or training. It was awful and I went off sick with stress. So I went back to therapies as an assistant practitioner. We have an ot appreciate and SLT is on mat leave so it's mostly a physio caseload which is my weakest discipline and I had time away from that for the last few years. So alot of the senior physios don't give me any treatment plans that would challenge and progress my knowledge.

Re pension, investing in a private one is a very good idea. Thank you. My NHS pension is the 2015 scheme and not that great. I've already reviewed it and I haven't accrued much.

I also appreciate I would need considerably more experience singing. I am planning to do my diploma next. It was just a thought. I apologise if my initial post appears naive.

I've always worked since I was 15yrs old either full or part time while studying. I got a foundation degree in art before I went into the NHS. I have cptsd from childhood abuse and that has sadly impacted by ability to obtain good qualifications for a decent salary.

I have seen a part time role for 15hrs a week as a therapy admin which I could do pretty easily. My daughter doesn't get funded hours until September as she missed the cut off by a few days in April.

I am under no illusion that sahm is hard work. When I was on mat leave I did the lions share of the housework, cooking, cleaning and school runs. Still do tbh...but my husband does all the finance and bills. It works for us. I've tried to have a hand in doing the bills but he's just always done it and I've always managed the house. We've been together for 20yrs and I don't envision us separating. However my mum was a single mum when I was growing up and didn't get any of my dad's pension when they divorced and we lived in poverty.

Apprenticeships, secondments....always promised, never got to that stage.

What's the process to get them to put you through the qualifications you need to progress? E.g. is there a HR form you need to fill out that would push things along?

If you're comfortable doing that and it's affordable then why not? I cut down to work part time (2 days a week) when I had DC as I wanted to and it worked for us as a family. I know a lot on MN are scared to make changes re employment because of potential marriage issues, infidelity etc but I believe life is too short to always live safely by what if's...

I would do the same in your situation but am grateful we had family help while I was working pre nursery hours.

I suppose the only thing to consider is with a two year old you will get your funded hours sooner or later, have you done the maths for that?

A new career/direction sounds exciting though, perhaps keep your quals and registrations up to date in the meantime incase you ever have a change of mind or decide to do bank.

You have to apply for one when available like a job. There aren't many in my field so it's super competitive.

I quit the NHS to become a SAHM and I’ve never been happier.

I don’t know what the future holds in terms of working but I would absolutely never return to the nhs.

yes some days are tough being a sahm but nowhere near like they were at work

I feel I made the best decision for myself and our family. As somebody else said, you can earn back money but you can’t get back time. These first years go so quick. I believe a lot of it depends on the effort you put into being a sahm - you don’t need lots of money, the kids don’t need lots of new toys either. They just want you to spend time with them.

I would pay into a private pension and go for it OP.