Nursery settling in drop off - what would you do?

[Janefx40]

My 1 year old DS is starting nursery next week so we are doing settling in this week. Today the nursery manager and key worker did a home visit.

Tomorrow we are going in. I thought I would be going with him, playing for half an hour or so and just leaving him for 10-15 mins which is what I did with my DD (at a different nursery). The second day I went in with her then left her for a couple of hours.

However at this nursery they expect me to just drop him at the door and leave him for 2 hours. I've barely left him anywhere before and certainly not with such a brief handover. He doesn't even really know the staff.

I asked if I could go in but they said no as it unsettles the children and they find this works best.

I'm not sure what to do as I do respect that they are experienced at this but also I feel this would be quite traumatic for my son.

I'm also not that thrilled about never going into the nursery. It makes me feel a bit nervous about it. At my DDs nursery we went in for pick ups except during Covid.

Would you try to find another way to do a more gradual settle in or just trust them and go for it?

Is it a her or him? You go back and forth in your post.

I wouldn’t like this. I went into the nursery for an hour for DS’s settling in and sat with him playing with the toys, then left for half an hour. Second day I stayed half an hour, then left him for a couple of hours.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary thanks for replying. He's a him but I was comparing to my DDs experience and she is a she.

Is it just for the settling in period they don't want you to go in? Most nurseries let you in now to pick up. Did you not confirm how they do things when you chose that nursery?

For settling periods it is easier for most if you just drop and go anf let the nursery staff work their magic.

As an aside, especially as thisbis your 2nd, wouldn't it have made more sense to have had some brief periods away from him to get him ready for nursery, you've made this a lot harder than it needed to be for him if you've barely been away from him for 12 months

@Youcancallmeirrelevant honestly this just didn't occur to me since every other nursery seems to do settling in the same way.

Yes we have spent some time apart in recent months but not with people he doesn't know at all. When I have left him with a babysitter or friend I have spent some time with them both first before I have left. But it isn't that frequent because babysitters cost money and I don't really go anywhere much.

Yes parents are never allowed in. All drop offs and pick ups are at the door!

We had a similar situation at our nursery - I left him for a couple of 2 hour settling in sessions and he was fine. I sat in a cafe and looked at the Web cam to see he was OK.

Re going in, at our nursery parents can go into the toddler rooms for pick up but not the baby one (under 18 months) - maybe as it has a no outdoor shoes policy?

I wouldn't have my child at a nursery that said that. My son's nursery does settling in at the child and parents' pace.

I went in on day one for a half hour with him, then left him for a half hour. The next day the same but left for an hour this time. He was absolutely fine so the next day I left him for two hours himself.

Then we did a week of me picking him up at lunchtime. Then the next week he stayed for lunch. After that he was settled and stayed the full day.

No way would I be dictated to about dropping my child and leaving them from day one.

@Welshfiver thank you - good to hear your experience

@Yourethebeerthief yes this would sit much better with me. I don't quite like the "nursery knows best attitude". I do have respect for them and their professional expertise but I also think they should respect the parent's knowledge of their child!

This is how things worked during covid - my daughter started July 2021 at age 12 months and we just had to leave at the door for settling in. It was disconcerting but it did work ok - she was upset for a couple of mins the fist couple of times (so they said) but certainly at pickup she seemed very happy. The settling in sessions for us were only 30 mins x6 days before she started going all day.

Obviously we aren't in covid times now but maybe they found it worked better for the children.

This is what our nursery do. It’s fine. DC1 had a couple of wet eyes. DC2 has been going since March and never cried.

Just to add I just wanted to reassure you, I do feel that they should take your wishes into account though and I don't want to minimise your concerns as you know your child best.

My daughter was very clingy and hadn't spent any time away from us before and it ultimately did work out ok for us.

Our nursery did this. They said that they noticed easier settling in during covid when parents were dropping to the door and then going on with no fuss or faff and then coming in at pick up. Initially I was a bit wary but ds settled in very well very quickly and now he shouts yay when we pull into the car park. He cried a bit the first couple of days but then only at pick up and then not at all over about a week and he is genuinely excited to see the staff and I've no doubt he's well cared for and happy to be there.

Every nursery is different.
When my dd turned one, we took her to the nursery for a settle in session. They took her from the door saying it's better if the parents aren't there and they had her for 3 hours (we don't have family or friends live near by so we never left her with anyone for so long).
3 days later, she started for a full day, 7. 30am-6pm. I never thought it was strange until people started to tell me about the longer settle in period in other nurseries.
She changed nursery when she was 18 months old, and it was different here. We went in for 3 weeks twice a week for a few hours. I was only with her for the first time.

I think it's ok to leave them there on the second time. They need to see how they are without the parents. Your baby will be fine - a few tears for sure, but it will be worst for you!

@TheOneWithUnagi @Lavender14 @PurBal thank you! It's reassuring to hear it worked well for you.

@Katherina198819 thank you. I'm going to see if I can convert tomorrow into a visit where we go together and then drop him off the next time x

The settling in thing is fine - that was roughly what we did. Brief meeting with them one day and another day later the same week left her there for two hours, then the next week did half a day. It was fine.

The not letting you in at all for pick up/drop off is weird. I wouldn't be happy with that.

So an update for anyone interested.

I converted our settling in session today to a parent/child visit. Which basically meant we went together for half an hour but I didn't leave him.

Friday I will leave him for 30 mins.

They were very nice.

Also the drop off thing kind of makes sense when you see the set up (I had obviously visited before but had forgotten the exact layout). It's a door just outside the room but quite a confined space and would get quite congested otherwise plus they ask you to take off your shoes which would be a faff. So all in all I'm a bit happier tho still not thrilled at their interpretation of what is best for a baby starting nursery. So we shall see...