Will I get over it? (crying...)

[mybrokenhearthurts]

My heart aches for a third child and every time I see my two play I feel like something is missing. I have tried to convince myself for the past 6 months that for our family the right decision is to stick to 2 but on a daily basis I feel sad about that and it's affecting my day to day mood which although not obvious to my kids I'm sure they will still pick up on and feel.

We have enough money, space, car space and love to share. I can take mat leave for a year and work 4 days a week, I work from home and DH does 3 days a week. We both tag team between pickups and drop offs, share household chores and as much as he does as a dad I do however feel I take on more as the mother (mental load). I don't know if I can handle a bigger mental load, but again not sure if I am thinking this because of the mental load I'm carrying thinking about a third.

My second was also a difficult baby and is now a difficult toddler. I don't want any potential gap to keep getting bigger but I also worry if he is difficult (moreso than my first ever was) then would another child just turn my second into a difficult middle child?

I wish these thoughts would go away, I want to just love my two with all my heart, but I constantly think how lonely they will feel as they grow up, especially during school holidays when DH and I are limited by annual leave. We have no family around and the days of kids knocking on the door have gone, we live in quiet estate.

My DD was telling me how much she loved her little brother and that she loves that she now has someone to play with and that just tugged at my heart even more, wishing I could give them another sibling. I think I am scared of the unknown and worried what it will do to my marriage as we usually and understandably have a rocky period in the new born stage.

My husband is supportive and is happy to go with what I want (wish he felt strongly one way or another) but with that kind of support it usually means I always end up picking up the pieces when things go wrong.

These thoughts did not consume me with 1 and 2 so I don't know why they are now?

My mum desperately wanted four children, not two. I didn’t know that until I was 35, so there’s no reason your children will.

How did you find growing up with just one sibling? I am one of 4 so I think that doesn't help my thinking, my mother was a SAHM however so had the time for lots of children.

In all honesty? I couldn’t see the point of him, and would have happily sold him to the fairies and returned to the pristine state of One Child In The Kingdom if I could have 😂

We were polar opposite and bickered endlessly. Time we played separately was better for everyone. We get on as adults and love each other a lot, but still couldn’t live with one another.

I didn’t miss more siblings in the slightest! I had loads of friends, endless sleepovers, in and out of each others houses all the time. My own children have the same laid back friendships with local friends, it’s lovely.

With a larger family, there’s less time, less attention, less money and less space per child. Holidays aren’t structured for more than two children, cars are an issue, and with each child you’re older and a little more tired.

You can no longer pair off and each give one to one attention. Depending on the needs of your children, that can be a major issue.

I have three, and the transition from the “standard model” of two kids to three was more work and effort than I expected.

I always wanted 3 children. I'm one of 5, so wanted my kids to have more than one sibling. I knew 4 would be too many for me.

I had DD, then DS (likewise was a difficult baby, then toddler). However the decision to not have a third was determined by my husband who wanted to stop at two.

Though I did know he wanted to stop at 2, I still felt blind sided at how strong his feelings were about it all once DS was here. I was quite sad about the whole matter, especially as labour and birth had not gone to plan, and the thought that that was my last birth was a bit depressing.

We don't quite have the space, but we need to move at some point anyway, as the kids currently share a room. Money and car are no problem. I think what has "helped" me accept I'm done is that there is no way I could handle the mental load of a third. I had PPD, and even now, 2 years on, struggle with juggling everything.

I do feel better about not having a third. Seeing the kids play together is wonderful. I'm not too worried about them being lonely. Even as 1 of 5 I played mostly by myself or with just one of my siblings. Having given away all the baby paraphernalia so it's not reminding me has helped too. I also had a personal hard cutoff of 40 where I would not want to have any more children, which is rapidly approaching. Maybe once DD is in school, and things get easier the want might come back, but for now I am content.

The thing is, you could have a third, and still feel exactly the same, then a 4th, and feel no different, and then a 5th, and so on.

It seems like you have made a sensible decision to finish your family with two. And so try and see those feelings as the problem, and the issue you need to deal with, rather than the absence of the 3rd/4th/5th

I have two who are now 16/19. I really wanted a third and it didn't happen for a couple of reasons, first because my second was ill as a baby with what we thought was a genetic and life limiting condition. Luckily he was ok, but it delayed the decision and then DH also didn't want a third and although we discussed it a lot and I probably could have forced the issue, I accepted his view.

There have been times I've wondered what if. But overall I think it was for us the right choice. While we could have afforded three and had space, it would have impacted on what we did as a family. I'm also lucky that my two are really close and have a brilliant sibling relationship. They are boy/girl and I think if I'd added another child to that mix, it wouldn't be the same.

I totally understand the feeling, it also consumed me for a while, but I don't feel bad about the choice we made now.

Was 3 what you always wanted or did it just so happen to be that way, if you get my drift.

I think I would feel done with 3...

I wanted 2. Only 2. I was very sure.

(I’m always very sure. Then I change my mind and I’m very sure about that too 😂 )

Then as DC2 was about 2 1/2, I realised I really wanted another, because my kids were just fantastic. Being with them was the best thing. Other children were okay in their way, but my kids? Off the charts amazing. We should definitely have another because the world was so much better with my kids in it.

(I had no self-awareness or irony. What can I say.)

Three was a bigger leap than anticipated. It was also a lot harder 7 years on from my first pregnancy; my body had been through a lot in the intervening years.

@CountingCrones

did you continue working with 3? thank you for your responses, i appreciate it

How old are your children now if you don't mind me asking? Has the difficult toddler stage eased off?

I’m afraid number three was the death knell of working outside the home for me, @mybrokenhearthurts . I was self-employed working from home after that, and that was a big financial hit.

Its hormones. They are so strong. It's why women have babies with men who are clearly awful and why they have babies when they are in a bad situation with things like health/finance or housing.

I consider myself very sensible and logical so I was shocked about how my brain was telling me I needed a baby.

@mybrokenhearthurts 4 (5 in September) and 2 (in March). He's getting easier, but compared to my so laid back she's practically horizontal DD, it was a hell of a shock to the system.

I always felt I wanted a third, but did my hardest to convince myself I was done at 2 as practically it made the most sense.

Until last year when my youngest was in preschool and we decided to try for a third. It was definitely the right decision and although a bigger age gap than I ever imagined having, I can't believe we almost didn't have a third.

I think I'm one of those people who would always like 4, but although I don't feel dine again this time. I know it wouldnt be in my kids best interests to have anymore so we are done now. I'm savouring every milestone as my last time doing this. But thank god every day we did. I just couldn't fully settle with only two, somebody was definitely missing and I feel so blessed we were able to have our third.

I’m not sure if this is what you want to hear, or you’re looking more for affirmation not to have a 3rd…but we have 3 and it’s the best.

i never knew I wanted 3 - but I had exactly the same feeling as you after 2, and I’d look at photos and feel like something was missing. I couldn’t feel more done now! I feel like everything is complete.
yes it is f-ing hard and all the things people mention are true - holidays harder, cars harder, less time, you are just a LOT of people going to people’s houses etc!

but my 3rd is amazing, and I can get myself so freaked out thinking of a sliding doors moment where we decided against it and not being able to imagine a life she wasn’t in!!

they get along v well at the moment, sure it’ll have phases, and are like a little gang.

it is noisy and chaotic and I do feel a bit overwhelmed about parenting 3 very doffierent teenagers and making sure I’m the right mum for them. But honestly I’ve never ever regretted it even for a moment.

Someone once told me if you’re thinking about a 3rd 99% chance you’ll have one as the seed is planted!

I was one of three and genuinely didn’t enjoy it, as a child. Everything is set up for families of 4 maximum and, as the eldest, I disliked the youngest and was quite resentful. The only person who gained anything from having a third child was my mother.

It depends how old your children are...Small age gaps are very difficult to manage, people will lie to you and say it worked better.

How many do you have?

How old are they if you don't mind me asking? And did you choose to work or 'stay at home'?

How old are you all now? Why do you think it didn't work, did you prefer it when there was just one sibling?

One has just turned 9 and one has just turned 3...

Tbh I don't think the feelings will ever completely go away just fade with time.
I think you should have a 3rd if you want it so much and it would work with your life and DH is happy.
I have 2, we always said maybe about a 3rd but never had that feeling that it was the right time and are happy with our decision now that the youngest is 9. I'm 42 and definitely done!
My mum always wanted a 4th but didn't for financial reasons, she still regrets it sometimes!

I'm 36...