Shared parental leave - lots of negative comments

[Salacia]

Currently in my third trimester and have started getting lots of questions about when I’ll be going on mat leave, how long I’m going to take etc. DH and I are planning on taking shared parental leave (probably 8 months ish for me with him doing the rest, plus using AL to have a month or so off together when we crossover).

I’ve had quite a few negative comments about this arrangement so just wanted to seek some wider opinions from those who might have been there and done that! My midwife made a comment about how it was very selfless of me and she wouldn’t want to make a sacrifice like that. There have been comments at antenatal class from the other parents about how women fought for maternity leave etc and I shouldn’t give it up to a man or that DH is selfish to want to be at home etc. DH has also had lots of comments about if he’s sure etc.

I understand (and we plan to be) that we might need to be a bit flexible and when it’s coming up to the notice period before I return we’ll double check if I feel like I need longer etc. I’m just really surprised at how few positive (or even neutral!) reactions we’ve had. Am I overlooking any massive downsides?

It’s because it’s not the norm in the UK, although it should be.

DH has Norwegian cousins. It’s standard there.

The feminist in me thinks it’s absolutely the right thing to do and the only way women have any chance of equality in the workplace.

DH is the more greater homemaker between us so we would also almost certainly split 50:50 (as that would make the most financial sense too).

All of the men at my work who have had babies recently have all taken a full three months off too.

They are all just jealous that their lazy husbands didn't want to share leave

Good for you I say and good for you your DH he deserves time with his baby just like woman do.

I think it's great

Ignore them losers or just say something back like "I'm so lucky I have a DH who wants to pull his weight"

You need to stand firm. The couple of people I know who have done this have started life with kids on a much more equal footing and the dad is more involved with his kids even now they are older, having built those early relationships with them.

Ignore. You're doing the right thing.

If you were going back to work at 6 weeks, I'd be raising eyebrows, but not at 8 months.

In a similar situation. I will return from maternity leave in November after 12 months. DH is going to take a few months sabbatical. Lots of the men I work with telling me they would never want to do that / why would DH want to be at home etc.

TBH just made me feel sad that these men couldn't see the value in spending the time with their child. It's their loss x

You are about to become a parent, especially a mother.
Every choice you make will be Wrong.
Pain relief? Wrong. No pain relief? Wrong
C section.. wrong. Vaginal butth... wrong.
Breastfeed... wrong. Bottle wrong. Mixed feeding.. wrong
Babygrow? Wrong. Outfit... wrong.

Seriously... every thing you do people will be critical.

You just need to do what works for you.

We fought for maternity leave... now we've fought for parental leave as it has benefits.

O repeat... do whats right for you.

You are getting EIGHT months. Remind these that's that in many countries, you barely get 8 weeks.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Nothing will change (in the workplace or domestically) until we normalise men taking time out for childcare on the same way as women.

We did it with our first and are intending to do it with our second, due next month. It was great! I got to transition back to work at a time when I felt ready (he was nearly 8 months) with the security of knowing DS was in the best possible hands. DH got the experience of being an 'all day' parent for several months and 4 years on we have a great shared parenting dynamic.

One of the reasons women often find themselves as default parent, housekeeper and general dogsbody, sometimes working part time because dad can’t possibly step off the career ladder is because of the expectations that women will keep house etc during maternity leave. Having dad do a portion of it is brilliant for redressing that balance.

You need to stop hanging out with dinosaurs.

I loathed maternity leave. I’d have happily awarded DH the lot.

Eh? In most countries women are off for far less than 8 months. I went back after 6. Ignore anyone passing comment, your life your decisions.

I think it is brilliant. It wasn't available when Dh and I had our first or second and he would have absolutely loved to do it.

This will be the first of many judgements on your parenting choices so stand firm, do what is right for you and your family and have a set phrase ready to go that says thanks for your unsolicited advice but we are going to do what we want no matter what you say.

Where I come from it's very common for dads to be home too. I would just ignore them as you and your DH do what you redeem best for your family.

Up to you but my main problem of needing all my leave was physically recovering from pregnancy/birth as neither was easy for me so I'm not sure I could of physically gone back to work sooner than I did.

I think you’ve got a great plan. I work in a corporate environment and many men take some paternity leave (similar to what you’re planning). No one raises an eyebrow and there is a push to improve the paternity leave package. Over time I hope this will lead to greater equality and a reduction in the gender pay gap. As well as better dads!

Good luck!

These people making comments are
Out-dated and close minded and best ignored.

My sister and her DH did shared leave and they thought it was wonderful.

I'm a bit older and it wasn't an option when I had my babes but we'd have considered it.

Instead DH took a year sabbatical when ours were pre school and then we both did periods of part time. We were lucky we could afford this.

We split 9 months me, 3 months DH. It was great for bonding and for DH to appreciate the work involved. Only downside was babies start getting more fun at 9 months so I was a bit jealous that I’d had all the boring bits!

I’ve had quite a few negative comments about this arrangement so just wanted to seek some wider opinions from those who might have been there and done that!

Why?
Do your own thing.

Also, are you sure they are negative comments and not just comments. The comments about fighting for maternity leave sound like people are trying to wind you up.

In theory I think it can be a good idea.

In practice....hmmm. I'm not saying this about your husband but I often suspect some a lot of men who do this just want time off work.

With my first two I got 16 weeks!

I think it's a brilliant idea. Women often end up the default homemaker and when they return to work find themselves doing their job plus their other job.

This way you both get to be the main carer, develop a strong bond with baby and when he returns to work it will be a smoother transition for you both and your baby.

Hey OP I just want to say GO FOR IT. You lose, what, a few months “off”? Well off is one word for it - babies are exhausting!

And here’s what you gain: a dad who learns to be a capable parent, who understands how hard it can be to “just stay home with the baby”, who you can brag about to the other mums FOREVER because he is so incredibly USEFUL.

My dh absolutely loved the experience, despite the challenges. It’s still a shock when a dad turns up at a toddler group in the 2020’s which tells you how unpopular shared leave has been.

Attitudes MUST change. You go out and trailblaze!

We did it in 2018/19. No regrets. My dh and dc2 formed an amazing bond. My dh is probably the “preferred parent” a lot of the time, and I love that. It’s so incredibly equal in my house I am almost embarrassed!!! (as dc1 tends to “prefer” me, I had her at a time when shared leave didn’t exist).

ignore the naysayers, they don’t know your relationship and circumstances. Just smile and nod

In Sweden, there would be a lot of judging if a new dad does not want to take a good chunk of parental leave. And if dad has been in sole charge of the baby for a few months, you won't have one of those men who is unable to manage his own children and doesn't know how to dress or feed them.
No, there are no massive downsides, except you will also get comments in the future about how lucky you are that your DH is so capable and hands on, their own husbands cannot possibly manage their own DC for more than 10 minutes..

Welcome to the dark side where no matter what your choice it will be wrong. To be fair it stays consistent.

There are plenty of counties which actively encourages the fathers to take some time. And if memory serves me right there is crossover with high % of women in senior positions.

You will have 8 months, the advantage of having peace of mind of them being with their dad. Ignore the ignorant.

Um... sure. So? I thought mat leave was going to be me wafting around Reading in parks while my baby napped. It was going to be a glorious break from work. I was wrong.

Men with these expectations will be proved wrong too with the added bonus that they will better understand what women go through and why the washing isn't always done.