Shared parental leave - lots of negative comments

[Salacia]

Currently in my third trimester and have started getting lots of questions about when I’ll be going on mat leave, how long I’m going to take etc. DH and I are planning on taking shared parental leave (probably 8 months ish for me with him doing the rest, plus using AL to have a month or so off together when we crossover).

I’ve had quite a few negative comments about this arrangement so just wanted to seek some wider opinions from those who might have been there and done that! My midwife made a comment about how it was very selfless of me and she wouldn’t want to make a sacrifice like that. There have been comments at antenatal class from the other parents about how women fought for maternity leave etc and I shouldn’t give it up to a man or that DH is selfish to want to be at home etc. DH has also had lots of comments about if he’s sure etc.

I understand (and we plan to be) that we might need to be a bit flexible and when it’s coming up to the notice period before I return we’ll double check if I feel like I need longer etc. I’m just really surprised at how few positive (or even neutral!) reactions we’ve had. Am I overlooking any massive downsides?

I wouldn't make any concrete plans before you are actually in the situation.

In my 3rd trimester my plan was to have 9 months maternity leave and return to work full time. What happened instead was a hospital admission for severe pnd at 10 months. I took 12 months maternity leave and then 3 months sick leave during which time I did a phased return and found I couldn't work more than 2 days in a row so I settled on 4 days a week taking Wednesday's off

At 8 months my daughter still would only be settled by me and dad was still very much feeling like a spare part that couldn't help either of us. My daughter has severe reflux and multiple food allergies

I think the issue for me is that in order for fathers to have longer than 2 weeks paternity leave, women have to give up months of their maternity leave to facilitate leave for fathers under the current shared parental leave policy. So if the mother wants to take 12 months of leave there's no way that the father can have more than the 2 weeks pat leave. Of course, if you plan to have less than 12 months, then the rest can be given over to the father, as in your case.

It would be better if fathers did not need mothers to give over their leave, and had their own independent entitlement to leave.

I'm surprised by the negative comments as I'm sure the people I know who did this experienced a lot of positive comments. Perhaps I just didn't hear the bad ones. It worked well for the people I know.

Agree with a pp that it wouldn't have worked with either of my children as I was still breastfeeding very regularly at 8 months. I accept my friendship group is unusual as at least 90% were still breastfeeding at one year but I'd say my experience was the same for most of my friends. All the people I know who did shared parental leave gave their babies formula some or all of the time. I'd just make absolutely sure your baby will take a bottle.

I went back to work when DS was 8 months and breastfed him until he was over 2. He never had formula once. Individual circumstances of course may vary but wanting to breastfeed does not automatically rule out ShPL.

My mum went back to work 2 weeks after having me. She breastfed me and left expressed milk for my dad to give me.

I agree with @Wheeeeee and @PineappleBanana that breastfeeding certainly doesn't stop you from doing shared parental leave/ returning to work. It was just a personal factor for me and why I wouldn't have wanted to. I hated expressing (and was shit at it) but my experience is just my own.

I worked and breastfed my youngest from age 13 months to 2 years and my eldest didn't stop feeding until he was nearly 4 so both do work- I just would have found it a bit exhausting working and pumping (and all the other bits) but that's just me.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Nothing will change (in the workplace or domestically) until we normalise men taking time out for childcare on the same way as women

This with bells on

We did shared leave, I had 9 months and DH had 3 each time. It worked really well and I only heard positive comments from others.

SPL wasn't around when I had dc, but I'm not sure we'd have gone for it. I took 14 months off and absolutely loved it- one of the best times in my life. During that time I made great friends and we'd do baby groups and hang out in cafes/ parks. If my dh had taken over at 8 months I know that dc would've missed out as he wouldn't have hung out with all females. We lived far from our families so I think my dh and dc would've been quite bored.

I have friends who did it though and it worked great. In both cases the female was the higher earner and it made more sense for them to go back to work for financial/ career reasons.

Do what works best for you. If both parties are happy then that's the main thing.

Personally I think negativity from women your own age is more likely because either their own DH wouldn't even dream of sharing the load this way or are in positions where financially this wouldn't work for them so stems from a bit of envy.

I’m going to be starting my maternity in June. I’m definitely looking forward to the time off work. I’m sure I’m being abit naive and it’s going to be a lot of work but doesn’t change the fact I’m really looking forward to no actual work for a while. No difference really.

I would ignore the negative comments and do what works for you. The only thing I would say is that I found the first 5-6 months the hardest and then it got much easier/more fun… at which point you’ll be handing over to your dh. Also my bf babies wouldn’t take a bottle so I couldn’t actually leave them at 8 months.

Thanks for all the comments re breast feeding. I definitely want to feed as long as possible but I guess there’s always going to be a point where I’ll go back to work and that might be a problem (and I guess there’s no guarantee of being able to breastfeed at all) - perhaps I’m being naive in thinking that it just brings the problem forward 3/4 months but it’ll still be a potential challenge regardless?

Also good points about the potential ‘easy/fun’ bit being when I handover to DH. I’m LTFT so I’ll still have one day at home a week anyway so hopefully will still have some opportunity to do the nice bits!

I think it's a great idea. I also 'gave' my partner 3 months of 'my' leave (we chose not to view it that way, we had a year of leave to be with our baby and needed to share it out as best suits us - we also had to take into account what was financially beneficial too).
We did some of it together too and went away and had a ball.
I wouldn't really be interested in what others think, presumably in years to come they'll also be complaining about how uninvolved their partner is with the parenting of their child, as they've never been left to their own devices with the baby to work out what works for them.

Re breastfeeding, I disliked expressing (does anyone like it?!) but it was a means to an end. My DS never really took a bottle but once we started weaning at 6 months we also started getting him used to drinking from a doidy cup, which he took to well.

If I remember rightly expressing got harder as he got to about 18 months as he was breastfeeding less then anyway, so my supply started to drop. But by then he was eating well and drinking cows milk so I gave up expressing and he just breastfed when I was around.

First lesson of parenting: people are going to criticise you, whatever you do.

Why? Because they are trying to justify their own choices.

So take everything with a massive pinch of salt.

We did shared parental leave. I initially planned to take 6, and DH the remaining 6 - but I really didn't feel ready to go back at 6 months, so we ended up doing 9 and 3, and I did another 6 weeks afterwards with all the built up annual leave. In hindsight I am glad we stuck to our principles as we have a very equal share of care for DD. However at the time I was distraught when I had to go back to work, which I wasn't prepared for at all. Anyway it all worked out well and was definitely a positive thing to do for us.

Ignore them, we did similar and worked for us.

The people who like to comment will also be the ones who refer to dad's "babysitting" and tell you how lucky you are!

As a pp said, every decision you make will be commented on and questioned by people who aren't remotely involved! I perfected the "nod and smile" technique while ignoring them!

I took 12 weeks off and DP was off for the rest. This was the best solution for us financially. It was tough as I was still breastfeeding at the time so was doing night feeds and expressing during the day at work. However, I never once heard a negative comment about it. Most people thought it was great that DP would be bonding with our baby. Maybe they were saying something different behind our backs!

I fought for this law to be changed 15 years ago - Mumsnet had a campaign and I was interviewed by the Times - full double page article!

For us it made sense as I earned 4 x what DH did and I mostly wfh

We could afford for him to have 8 months off, but only 8 weeks for me. I wanted him to have my maternity leave, but it wasn't possible. So dc only had me at home for 8 weeks whereas could have had their Dad for 8 months

I'm glad people at least have the option now

You do whatever suits you OP!

Irs personal...

We found it too complicated and our companies were lame and didnt understand the law so we planned to but didnt...

early on i was salty about the fact he wasnt doing shared leave.
But honestly i would have been very miffed if he'd taken it for the back end as 8m -12m was the best bit.

So while the feminist in me hates to say it, I'm glad i didnt do it. if we had been able to alternate leave I'd have liked it more i think.

My dh did wfh though and so is still pretty hands on... and my dd is as likely to want him as she is me.

We shared both times. It was great.

First time, I did 8 months and then DH was at home with the baby while I returned. It was great for both of them and they had a great bond, plus it made him a completely equal parent and partner in every way except breastfeeding. Second time, DH was off with me for 4 months because of the way SPL pay was set up; it was fantastic for family time and for his bond with both kids. I was ready to go back at 8 months anyway. Incidentally, both babies were also EBF; I expressed at work when I returned and neither baby ever had formula. It was fine.

Agree with PP that a surprising number of relatively young people are still really, really sexist about parenting, which is a shame because it hurts many people, not least children.

OMFG this. It does my head in. I had to close the surgeon thread after a few posts.

OP, SPL is great. I took 9 months each time and then DH did a month, it was BRILLIANT. By far my easiest months of parenting - men have it made, it's no wonder they don't step up (as a group, NAMALT etc etc etc).

I was able to settle back into work without worrying about the baby settling at nursery. DH did the nursery settles, which I was very jealous of but I think it was easier on the babies to be left by daddy rather than mummy (and her boobs).

It also rebalanced some of the Parent A vs Parent B crap that can very easily sneak in on maternity leave, no matter how willing the dad. It did wonders for DH's confidence as a parent too.

There wasn't a single downside for us at all (and both of ours were EBF bottle refusers).

Oh, and yes we had some negative comments, including BIL telling DH he'd be so bored. I blew up at him that I'd coped with that boredom for the past 9 months so I was sure DH could manage. Nearly 6 years on and that still infuriates me!