Shared parental leave - lots of negative comments

[Salacia]

Currently in my third trimester and have started getting lots of questions about when I’ll be going on mat leave, how long I’m going to take etc. DH and I are planning on taking shared parental leave (probably 8 months ish for me with him doing the rest, plus using AL to have a month or so off together when we crossover).

I’ve had quite a few negative comments about this arrangement so just wanted to seek some wider opinions from those who might have been there and done that! My midwife made a comment about how it was very selfless of me and she wouldn’t want to make a sacrifice like that. There have been comments at antenatal class from the other parents about how women fought for maternity leave etc and I shouldn’t give it up to a man or that DH is selfish to want to be at home etc. DH has also had lots of comments about if he’s sure etc.

I understand (and we plan to be) that we might need to be a bit flexible and when it’s coming up to the notice period before I return we’ll double check if I feel like I need longer etc. I’m just really surprised at how few positive (or even neutral!) reactions we’ve had. Am I overlooking any massive downsides?

My DD is nearly 10 and was one of the first you could do it for. DH carried on working part time before she started school (as did I) and he had one activity he always took her to, then both DCs had their swimming lessons that day when DS started school.
As a consequence they have a great relationship. So glad we could do it.

This is exactly my experience. By the time I returned to work at 10 months they had just started eating a decent amount, and even then I had to leave work early to pick up and bf for the first few weeks. At 8 months they were not really eating much and there is no way I could have left them for a whole day. Of course if you don’t have stubborn babies like I did then it won’t be an issue 😅.

This is a consideration if you breastfeed, but it will depend on the child. I returned at 9m and my DD had never taken a bottle. She ate quite well but usually had a day time feed. When I went back to work, she fed before and after work, plus bedtime and in the night. The first few days were a bit hard for her (desperate to feed when I got home) but she quickly got used to it. She continued feeding until she turned 3!

With my DS, I used leave on my return to work short days (finishing at 3) for the first 2 weeks to ease us both in. This made it much easier. He also continued feeding for ages (until he was almost 5!) so it definitely didn't end breastfeeding for either of them!

So glad I came across this thread!! Thanks a million OP.

I am currently on maternity leave and my husband and I are doing SPL. I am taking 7 months maternity (plus one month AL, so 8 months in total), and my husband is taking 2 months SPL. He has a VERY supportive employer who offers 16 weeks at full pay.

My husband could have taken more SPL
(And me less maternity) and utilised this financial benefit - in fact, this was the initial plan. I was going to take 5 months and my husband the other 4, however negative comments from others made me feel too bad/guilty about this and I gave in!! Now taking 8 months, much to the disappointment of my husband!

I had a totally justified reason to cut my leave short (although I shouldn't need to justify I appreciate!) as I took a year with my first and it was too long. I am also struggling with my mental health hugely (under the care of the perinatal MH team) and working really helps keep my illness manageable/in remission. It's back at full vengeance on maternity leave as I don't have the same mental stimulation/balanced and varied mindset to keep it at bay. My mind feels very suffocated at the moment, and that isn't healthy.

My boys deserve the happiest and best version of me as their mum! And I realise now going back at 5 months would have made me happier and healthier, but I stupidly gave into the stupid comments and opinions and did what 'society expects'.

Anyway - my learning from this:

• Do what is right for you, your husband and your baby, ignore others. What is right for you and your husband is what is right for your baby (happy parents = happy children)
• Everyone has different circumstances and you never know what goes on behind the scenes to drive others' decision making
• A lot of people have terrible old fashioned views where the woman should be the home-maker and men the earner - ignore this, it is outdated and ridiculous - agree with other PP these people are probably envious you have a partner who is willing to be hands on (this is so so so much rarer than you think, I know very few mums who have this sort of relationship!)
• Be a trailblazer and play a role in shaping the societial expectations of future generations
• Don't give into peer pressure.

I hope that helps. I have saved this thread for me to revisit so I feel less alone as I currently don't know anyone else doing SPL! Xx

I also think as a society we should re-frame SPL, so for those who are eligible - rather than viewing it that the woman is 'giving up' her maternity leave to the man, we could say -

Eligible couples have 37 weeks pay/50 weeks shared parental leave to divide/share between them as they see fit. It may be for some couples the woman is financially and/or personally better off taking more maternity leave so SPL may not be utilised in these cases. But, if it is an option for you, personally and financially, then take it!

Might help to reframe things IMO. Sick of women telling me I am so kind to 'give up my maternity leave'... I think the other way and say I am glad I have a husband who is willing and/or able to take a portion of the leave we are both entitled to!