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Original poster

Separated from child’s father and moved back home - who is likely to win this battle?

71 replies

CW2211 · 09/05/2024 12:31

I’m just looking for advice and maybe anyone who has experience in a situation similar. There will be people who want to judge some choices I’ve made but I’m not after any judgement or opinions on how I’ve went about things I really just want the practical advice please.

So I was with my son’s dad for about 3.5 years in total, my son is 18 months now and we left his dad last month to move back home. I say move back home because my ex moved 3 hours to live with me in 2020, we then moved the same distance back to his hometown last year when my son was 4 months old but after a year of being away from my family and living with a partner who wasn’t involved and wouldn’t get help for depression/anxiety or spend time with his child without me forcing him to basically, it all just got too much. We did actually leave him at Christmas but that didn’t feel right to me and it was a very quick decision so I felt I owed it to my son to try one last time to be a family but of course that didn’t work and we’re now back with my family for good.

Like I said it’s been about a month of being back here now, but I was clearly over the relationship a while ago and knew it was pointless to hope for a future with him. We were agreeing mainly on him travelling up here (he drives and has a car, I don’t drive and am an unemployed single parent living with my dad so can’t really afford the travel expenses currently) and spending a day with our son when he was off work and then later in the year he’d be able to have him overnight - I breastfeed our son still and we’ve co-slept for most of his life so he’s never spent a night away from me at all and I didn’t think it was fair to do that so soon with all the other changes.

Long story short, I met someone new by chance quite soon after coming back and although it hasn’t been a long time knowing each other we have spent so much time together already and feel like we have known each other for a lot longer. I’ve been looking for my own place constantly this whole month and nothing is working out for us but this guy that I’ve met has his own place with a spare room and is happy to have us move in on a trial basis I suppose to see how things work out and give us our own home as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my dads spare bedroom which is usually his office. I told my ex about the plan because I figured it would be nice for him to know where we’ll be living before we move there and he’s now trying to say I should be sharing the travel time of getting our son to him, and that he’ll be taking me to court for full custody if I try and move in with a stranger (his words) rather than staying in an environment that is unsettling for us both and stressing me and therefore my son out more every day.

I imagine there’ll be questions maybe and I’m happy to answer anything but just wanting to hear what other people think in terms of if my ex has much chance of taking my son from me even though he’s not in any danger at all and is surrounded by family who love him here.

OP posts:
Youdontevengohere · 09/05/2024 12:33

How do you know your son is in no danger? You’ve known this man for what? A month? And you want to move in with him. I’m not surprised your son’s father isn’t happy about the situation.

wp65 · 09/05/2024 12:35

I really really wouldn't move in with this new man. It's so quick, especially when you have a toddler.

Though in answer to your question, your ex won't be awarded full custody unless your child can be shown to be unsafe.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 09/05/2024 12:36

He's right about your son moving in with a stranger (and you doing it too, but that's your choice). You've literally been separated one month, moved your DS to your dads, met someone in 4 weeks and want to move in with him. Give your head a wobble. I've had more smears with my nurse than you've spent time with your new bloke. I can't fault your ex for being concerned.

I think the courts will expect you to do all the travel as you moved away and could possibly award much more time to your ex. It's whether he will follow through with it or not.

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Original poster
CW2211 · 09/05/2024 12:37

Youdontevengohere · 09/05/2024 12:33

How do you know your son is in no danger? You’ve known this man for what? A month? And you want to move in with him. I’m not surprised your son’s father isn’t happy about the situation.

We’ve worked in the same building for the same company and with the same people so I know a lot of people who also know him and have spent time with him over the last two years at work. His job also involves working with people and vulnerable people at times so he has all those background checks etc due to that too. Like I said I know there’ll be judgement but I’m not asking for that here

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/05/2024 12:39

Completely irresponsible to move your baby in with a complete stranger. Your ex is right to be concerned.

Hotgirlwinter · 09/05/2024 12:39

You can’t move your child in with a man you barely know, don’t be so ridiculous.

Your ex has very little chance of taking your son from you on a permanent basis assuming there are so safeguarding concerns but if you move in with a man you don’t really know then your ex will have a lot more leverage if this goes to court.

But more importantly than that you do not know this person and you are potentially putting your child at risk. Moving in with him would be utterly ridiculous and irresponsible. Stay with your dad, look at your potential benefits, date the new guy causally if you want but keep your son out of this.

Snugglemonkey · 09/05/2024 12:39

I would take you to court too if I were him. Do not move your child in with a stranger.

I know you feel close to him, but you really have not known him long enough to know him well. This could be so dangerous for your son.

It sounds like your living situation is very difficult. Have you spoken to citizens advice? Have you declared yourself homeless?

You really need to get yourself stabilised before committing to a relationship. You are too vulnerable right now to be sure you are clear headed.

Anameisaname · 09/05/2024 12:39

OP you are in the crazy lovey dovey phase here. This is just the first lustful Infatuation phase where you are so excited to be with each other

Unfortunately you have a DS so you can't just go around doing crazy stuff any more. It's really not a good idea moving in with this guy and it will muddy all the waters not least your Ex will be within his rights to ask for at least some custody.

Try to just play the long game here. If this guy is so amazing then he will wait. But give this all some time first

PuttingDownRoots · 09/05/2024 12:40

Your son needs stability right now.

Thats not moving in with a different person on a trial basis after a few weeks.

Youdontevengohere · 09/05/2024 12:41

I don’t think you can post about moving your 18 month old in with a man you have been in a relationship with for less than a month and not expect any judgement to be honest. But I’m sure you’ll do it anyway, so it’s pointless giving our opinions.
Your ex is very unlikely to get full residency, but it’s likely you will be expected to do at least 50% of the travel and bear 50% of the expense for him visiting his dad.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/05/2024 12:41

CW2211 · 09/05/2024 12:37

We’ve worked in the same building for the same company and with the same people so I know a lot of people who also know him and have spent time with him over the last two years at work. His job also involves working with people and vulnerable people at times so he has all those background checks etc due to that too. Like I said I know there’ll be judgement but I’m not asking for that here

Show quote history

My XH works with vulnerable people. past umpteen background checks and has even supported one of his employees through DV. Everyone thinks he's great. He's an abuser that made me feel terrified for years. None of what you've written means anything. You don't know this man, you know his public persona that's it. No one should be moving their child in with a man they've known for so little time. Your ex's concerns are very valid.

Youdontevengohere · 09/05/2024 12:42

If someone tried to move my children in with a partner of less than a month I’d take them to court.

TheCultureHusks · 09/05/2024 12:43

No way. Your ex is right on that one.

Sleeping on the floor on a mattress? No need to ham it up. Buy a sofa bed, plan to be with your dad for a decent amount of time while you put your son first and get to KNOW this man properly before you have your young child living with him.

Elektra1 · 09/05/2024 12:44

You don't do this. If you want a new relationship that's fine, but you don't involve your little child one month into it, far less MOVE IN with the guy.

TheCultureHusks · 09/05/2024 12:44

And it isn’t even that this man might be wonderful blah blah.

It’s the fact that you’re showing such incredibly poor judgement. You’re showing that you’re willing to put your child at risk. It’s as simple as that and that’s why your ex is right to be concerned.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 09/05/2024 12:45

Given that family courts will always aim at 50/50 residency as the baseline if there is no good reason to reduce contact on either side it's highly likely he would at least get that agreed if he took you to court.

I don't think it would look good that you've moved in with someone so quickly but conversely think it's unlikely he would get full residency on that basis unless he can prove your new boyfriend is unsafe and you were aware of it.

It does show a massive lack of judgement and common sense though, and is very disruptive to your son who's already been through a lot of disruption and will likely go through more when this relationship fails.

QforCucumber · 09/05/2024 12:47

Prioritise your child

Flivequacle · 09/05/2024 12:54

If Dad is happy to have you and his dgc for the time being... Turn your Dad's spare bedroom into a proper place for you and your child. Sit down with Dad and work out a plan to find work and a goal date for somewhere to live. Work toward your own independence, for you and for your dc.

Date the nice new man. Have fun. Don't move in with him and don't make moving in with him a goal.

BodyKeepingScore · 09/05/2024 13:14

In your exes position I'd be taking you to court too. You're moving your son in with a man you barely know and you expect him to be okay with that? I'd take some time and think about why you're making the decisions you are. At this stage of a relationship your baby should not even have been introduced to a new partner nevermind having to move in with them.

mswales · 09/05/2024 13:26

I cant believe you would consider even introducing your child to a new partner after one month, let alone moving into their house! The little guy must be so confused having lost his dad's presence in his life (even if his dad barely spent any time with him, he was still a massively important figure in your son's world), then had it back for a few months, then had it disappear again and now suddenly there's a new guy around spending lots of time with you. Years 0 to 3 are the most formative of a human's entire life and massively affect what their future psychology will be like. Please don't make the mistake of thinking of he's little, he doesn't really know what's happening, as long as he feels loved and safe with me then he'll be fine. Instability and the relationships he sees modelled even at this very young age are incredibly influential. He needs stability and to have his emotions put first.

Sunshineclouds11 · 09/05/2024 13:31

BodyKeepingScore · 09/05/2024 13:14

In your exes position I'd be taking you to court too. You're moving your son in with a man you barely know and you expect him to be okay with that? I'd take some time and think about why you're making the decisions you are. At this stage of a relationship your baby should not even have been introduced to a new partner nevermind having to move in with them.

Agree

labracadabras · 09/05/2024 13:45

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/05/2024 12:41

My XH works with vulnerable people. past umpteen background checks and has even supported one of his employees through DV. Everyone thinks he's great. He's an abuser that made me feel terrified for years. None of what you've written means anything. You don't know this man, you know his public persona that's it. No one should be moving their child in with a man they've known for so little time. Your ex's concerns are very valid.

Show quote history

This. Abusers target vulnerable women.

Abusers are teachers, doctors, social workers etc

You have known him 4 weeks. 4 weeks - give your head a wobble.

labracadabras · 09/05/2024 13:45

mswales · 09/05/2024 13:26

I cant believe you would consider even introducing your child to a new partner after one month, let alone moving into their house! The little guy must be so confused having lost his dad's presence in his life (even if his dad barely spent any time with him, he was still a massively important figure in your son's world), then had it back for a few months, then had it disappear again and now suddenly there's a new guy around spending lots of time with you. Years 0 to 3 are the most formative of a human's entire life and massively affect what their future psychology will be like. Please don't make the mistake of thinking of he's little, he doesn't really know what's happening, as long as he feels loved and safe with me then he'll be fine. Instability and the relationships he sees modelled even at this very young age are incredibly influential. He needs stability and to have his emotions put first.

It’s not just 0-3 but 0-7

Upinthenightagain · 09/05/2024 13:51

You should be concentrating on getting your own roof over your child’s head not just moving in with a boyfriend you’ve known no time at all. I did something similar moving back home after my marriage ended: I had a six month old and I was living with my mum. I got my shit together, and rented somewhere within 6 months and bought a small house a year after that. What happens when he gets pissed off with you both ? Poor child has to move again?

Illpickthatup · 09/05/2024 14:00

He's unlikely to get full custody but you will possibly end up liable for the travel costs because you were the one who moved away. Is your ex paying child maintenance? Usually they can claim travel expenses and have it deducted from what they pay.

I know you didn't come here for judgment but I think what you're planning to do is quite frankly ludicrous and not in the best interests of your child. If I was your ex I would be taking you to court too.

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