Separated from child’s father and moved back home - who is likely to win this battle?

[CW2211]

I’m just looking for advice and maybe anyone who has experience in a situation similar. There will be people who want to judge some choices I’ve made but I’m not after any judgement or opinions on how I’ve went about things I really just want the practical advice please.

So I was with my son’s dad for about 3.5 years in total, my son is 18 months now and we left his dad last month to move back home. I say move back home because my ex moved 3 hours to live with me in 2020, we then moved the same distance back to his hometown last year when my son was 4 months old but after a year of being away from my family and living with a partner who wasn’t involved and wouldn’t get help for depression/anxiety or spend time with his child without me forcing him to basically, it all just got too much. We did actually leave him at Christmas but that didn’t feel right to me and it was a very quick decision so I felt I owed it to my son to try one last time to be a family but of course that didn’t work and we’re now back with my family for good.

Like I said it’s been about a month of being back here now, but I was clearly over the relationship a while ago and knew it was pointless to hope for a future with him. We were agreeing mainly on him travelling up here (he drives and has a car, I don’t drive and am an unemployed single parent living with my dad so can’t really afford the travel expenses currently) and spending a day with our son when he was off work and then later in the year he’d be able to have him overnight - I breastfeed our son still and we’ve co-slept for most of his life so he’s never spent a night away from me at all and I didn’t think it was fair to do that so soon with all the other changes.

Long story short, I met someone new by chance quite soon after coming back and although it hasn’t been a long time knowing each other we have spent so much time together already and feel like we have known each other for a lot longer. I’ve been looking for my own place constantly this whole month and nothing is working out for us but this guy that I’ve met has his own place with a spare room and is happy to have us move in on a trial basis I suppose to see how things work out and give us our own home as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my dads spare bedroom which is usually his office. I told my ex about the plan because I figured it would be nice for him to know where we’ll be living before we move there and he’s now trying to say I should be sharing the travel time of getting our son to him, and that he’ll be taking me to court for full custody if I try and move in with a stranger (his words) rather than staying in an environment that is unsettling for us both and stressing me and therefore my son out more every day.

I imagine there’ll be questions maybe and I’m happy to answer anything but just wanting to hear what other people think in terms of if my ex has much chance of taking my son from me even though he’s not in any danger at all and is surrounded by family who love him here.

Your impulsive life choices are now massively affecting an innocent life. Grow up.

One of the most dangerous things a woman can do is put her child into a home with an unrelated man. Add to that you've been dating a MONTH, and you're vulnerable, have no money, are just leaving a relationship... This is crack to abusive men.

Child sex offenders usually offend many times before they are caught, if they ever are. None of the people I know who were abused ever saw their abuser spend even a night in prison. Only one ever had a chat with the police.

Good for exP, prioritising his child.

1st answer has it.

Jesus fucking christ I think I’ve finally heard it all. Foolish in the extreme. Sort your life out, get a roof over your heads. No, clearly it needs saying, not some random’s roof! You should be allowing your baby - he’s a baby!! to settle in his new life away from the life he’s known before even considering introducing him to anyone, let alone moving in. Selfish doesn’t even cover it, it’s astonishing.

I don’t drive and am an unemployed single parent living with my dad

We’ve worked in the same building for the same company and with the same people so I know a lot of people who also know him and have spent time with him over the last two years at work

eh?

Think about it like this - if this new guy is ‘the one’ and you’re meant to be together then moving in so soon will put lots of pressure on the relationship and might spoil things. If it’s really meant to be then take it slowly and keep it separately from your accommodation needs otherwise it will be really hard in future to have good boundaries.

If you know you’ll be getting judgement on here then you must know that what you’re doing is wildly irresponsible and horrible parenting, right? If what you’re doing is reasonable and safe and looking after your son’s best interests then why would you expect judgement?

In that old MN way, give your head a wobble. Your son is absolutely fine where you are - he’s a baby and he’s safe and warm with a roof over his head. He isn’t getting stressed out by where you are. You are just desperate to be with this bloke and are trying to frame it as being a good thing for your son. Sleeping on a mattress is no big deal at all - you could be taking steps to make it better if you refocused the energy you’re throwing at the new bloke.

Like most other posters have said, your ex would be right to take you to court. He probably won’t be able to stop you moving in with this bloke or get full custody of your son but he’ll probably secure a good amount (maybe 50/50) and who knows where that could lead over time.

Think of it on the reverse. Would you want you child to be living with his dad with a woman he’d known a month? I wouldn’t want my children to have to get to know a stranger the same time I was, whilst living under the same roof. What about the needs and stability of your young child?

The ‘winner’ should be your child. I’m not clear that you understand that.

The fact you're saying no judgement for your decisions is all you need to know. If your ex takes you to court the judge will do that. They will judge whether you're capable of making good decisions and you already know moving in with a man you've been with for all of about a month. You should be months away from your child moving in with this man, much less moving your child in with them! The judge may decide you make bad decisions and make their judgements accordingly.

Your ex is correct, he has every right to be worried about you moving your DS in with a stranger, and he can go for full custody if he wants. He might not get it, but there’s a chance he will. If not he may get more contact, and yes you should at least pay half of the travel, and the court may decide you should pay for all of it or do a lot of it yourself seeing as you were the one who moved.

@PineappleBanana exactly... nothing adds up. OP is unemployed with an 18 month old son, presumably on mat leave before his birth living in a town a significant drive away yet has somehow also simultaneously spent time with this new man in her work place in the past two years.

Your plan is crazy and irresponsible. I can't believe you actually believe this is ok? Have you always made impulsive and bad decisions. How have you spent loads of time with this man in a month! Where has your child been?

You need to prioritise getting a job and somewhere to live, not getting your leg over. Otherwise you'll be back next year with a newborn and an older child sleeping on that same mattress in your dad's.

Sorry but you need to get help with your parenting judgement. You met him a month ago and you are talking about moving your son in with him. It's fast even for just an adult (people told me I was too fast at 5 months and no children involved)

Don't fucking move in with this man!!!! Are you crazy?

Sadly, the court is unlikely to give your ex primary custody at this age. You are placing yourself and your child in an unstable and dangerous situation. A man who suggests you move in with your child this quickly while you have no money or resources is draped in a red flag.

The court is likely to increase visitation and put more responsibility for travel on you as the person who moved away.

You are a mother. Your first responsibility is to your child, not your raging hormones. If I were your ex I would sue for full custody.

So you moved home and started seeing someone you worked with for the last 2 years? Even though you have lived far away.
And surely would have had maternity leave in that time?

Regarding the course case, who knows who will win.

But expecting people to believe the story of how you happened to move home and happened to start dating someone you have known years and happening to just move in weeks after leaving your ex, is a bit daft.

If your new boyfriend works with vulnerable people he will be well aware how vulnerable ale women are, especially with young children, are after a difficult break up. So even stranger he doesn't see the value in you setting up your own home and learning how to be single, rather than jumping from one relationship to another. He must also know how damaging that is to a child.

I imagine there’ll be questions maybe and I’m happy to answer anything but just wanting to hear what other people think in terms of if my ex has much chance of taking my son from me even though he’s not in any danger at all and is surrounded by family who love him here.

If your ex took you to court then a Cafcass officer would interview both of you. The judge would then have to decide who the child should live with, and how he should spend time with the other parent, using the welfare checklist - a list of issues that they have to consider to form their decision.

One of the things they have to consider is whether there is any risk of harm to the child. Moving in with a man you have known for less than a month is quite risky. Not just in terms of the child's physical welfare or wellbeing but in terms of their emotional wellbeing. Your son has had two huge moves in his life and he isn't even two years old yet. He may have experienced parental conflict. He's suddenly not seeing his dad, who even if he was a waste of space was still his dad he was used to seeing every day. His dad's family may have been familiar faces, now they're not here. Was he in nursery or did he have friends from play groups? Again, he's having to replace them with a whole lot of new ones. Doable at 18 months of course but what he needs right now is a nice long period of stability, either where he is right now or with you in your own flat. You've only been looking for your own place for a few weeks, keep looking. The priority right now is stability for your DC not a new relationship for you.

If your new man is a genuine keeper he will completely understand taking things slowly and will support you in that. I would be a bit alarmed that even though he is supposedly trained in vulnerability he's suggested you and your tiny child move in with him after four weeks. Either he knows cock all about vulnerability or he is well aware what a red flag this is and doesn't care, which doesn't bode well.

Summary: it's possible your ex could persuade a judge that you don't make good decisions, you're not prioritising the child's needs, and that he should be primary carer. I'd put his chances below 50% due to the child's age but not below 60% and I would expect him to get a solid amount of time spent with the child given he's not in school yet.

Your poor child.

What sort of man would even propose this after a month? That should be a red flag for you, if nothing else. Even if you’re irresponsible enough to contemplate such a thing, you’d hope that he would be more sensible if he’s any sort of prospect as a suitable future partner and stepfather.

Do the right thing, not the easy thing, and open your eyes a bit wider where this man is concerned.

🤦🏻‍♀️
To put it simply. Leave the man alone. Make the best you can in the situation you are in. If you have no money ask your ex if he's willing to buy you a bed for you and your child at your DADS house
Put yourself and son first. Moving in with some bloke is ridiculous this soon

"Long story short, I met someone new by chance quite soon after coming back and although it hasn’t been a long time knowing each other we have spent so much time together already and feel like we have known each other for a lot longer"

Meaningless and an excuse.

"His job also involves working with people and vulnerable people at times so he has all those background checks etc due to that too"

Wonder what he would say to one of those "vulnerable people" moving their child in with a stranger they've known a few weeks. One would think he'd know better in his position.

Also, how's the co-sleeping with your DS going to work?

You need to give your head a wobble and think about what you’re actually contemplating doing.

no way should you be moving in with a man you’ve just started seeing. Stop being dependent on others and get yourself sorted on your own. Only then can you be in a healthy non dependent relationship.

Even witout the ridiculousness of you moving in with a man you barely know, with your DS, your ex is right to ask you to do at least half the travel. You moved away from him so quite frankly, it's not unreasonabel for him to want you to be a bit more accomodating.