Separated from child’s father and moved back home - who is likely to win this battle?

[CW2211]

I’m just looking for advice and maybe anyone who has experience in a situation similar. There will be people who want to judge some choices I’ve made but I’m not after any judgement or opinions on how I’ve went about things I really just want the practical advice please.

So I was with my son’s dad for about 3.5 years in total, my son is 18 months now and we left his dad last month to move back home. I say move back home because my ex moved 3 hours to live with me in 2020, we then moved the same distance back to his hometown last year when my son was 4 months old but after a year of being away from my family and living with a partner who wasn’t involved and wouldn’t get help for depression/anxiety or spend time with his child without me forcing him to basically, it all just got too much. We did actually leave him at Christmas but that didn’t feel right to me and it was a very quick decision so I felt I owed it to my son to try one last time to be a family but of course that didn’t work and we’re now back with my family for good.

Like I said it’s been about a month of being back here now, but I was clearly over the relationship a while ago and knew it was pointless to hope for a future with him. We were agreeing mainly on him travelling up here (he drives and has a car, I don’t drive and am an unemployed single parent living with my dad so can’t really afford the travel expenses currently) and spending a day with our son when he was off work and then later in the year he’d be able to have him overnight - I breastfeed our son still and we’ve co-slept for most of his life so he’s never spent a night away from me at all and I didn’t think it was fair to do that so soon with all the other changes.

Long story short, I met someone new by chance quite soon after coming back and although it hasn’t been a long time knowing each other we have spent so much time together already and feel like we have known each other for a lot longer. I’ve been looking for my own place constantly this whole month and nothing is working out for us but this guy that I’ve met has his own place with a spare room and is happy to have us move in on a trial basis I suppose to see how things work out and give us our own home as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my dads spare bedroom which is usually his office. I told my ex about the plan because I figured it would be nice for him to know where we’ll be living before we move there and he’s now trying to say I should be sharing the travel time of getting our son to him, and that he’ll be taking me to court for full custody if I try and move in with a stranger (his words) rather than staying in an environment that is unsettling for us both and stressing me and therefore my son out more every day.

I imagine there’ll be questions maybe and I’m happy to answer anything but just wanting to hear what other people think in terms of if my ex has much chance of taking my son from me even though he’s not in any danger at all and is surrounded by family who love him here.

Moving your baby in with a man you’ve been with a month is ridiculous. You’re cosleeping, as well!!?

I’ve been looking for my own place constantly this whole month

Constantly for a whole month, eh? Wow. Maybe look a bit harder.

I think you need to start being honest. You don't owe that to the people of Mumsnet but you do owe it to yourself, your child and your ex. I say this because your posts are so inconsistent. You said you just met this man a month ago and ate unemployed, and yet when questioned on his suitability to be around your baby, you claimed to have met him years ago and have worked with him since.

So let's go to the two extremes -

Your husband was inattentive and depressed, you are unemployed and moved in with your dad. Met a man and he has offered to allow you to move in with him. You would be unreasonable to do this.

You were having an affair with a work colleague and moved three hours away from your child's father to be with him. You feel like enough time has past after one month and are going to move in with him. You are being unreasonable to do this.

So either way.... You are putting your own needs and wants before those of your child. Any court will see that. And framing this as a battle to be won is very telling. This is your child's life... It should be about what is in your child's beat interest NOT about who wins. Your child deserves a relationship with both parents and to be kept safe from harm.

Have you met his family?

Has your child met him?

You can't move in with someone you've known a month.

"Probably not a child abuser" is the absolute rock bottom minimum requirement for "people my 18 month old should live with", not the gold standard!

We can only hope your child's father "wins". He sounds the best of two bad options for this poor baby.

So you can't let your ex have his baby overnight because you're co-sleeping but it's OK to let a man you've known a month presumably share that bed too?

Unhinged.

If I was your ex I'd absolutely be questioning your ability to be a fit parent if you're actually considering doing this to your child. Give your son to ex if you want to move in with some random.

It is completely inappropriate for you to move in with this man.

How have you spent a lot of time with his over the past 2 years when you lived 3 hours away? Plus you’d have been on maternity leave for up to 12 months too.

@CW2211

It isn't really a great idea to do this with your son OP. How can you not see this? If it was just you, on your own, wanting to move into this man's home then go for it, but you're not the most important person in this arrangement- your child is.

Does this man have any idea of what it's likely to be, living with such a young child? And if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, you up sticks and move back in with your dad? How confusing for him.

Perhaps stay where you are, get your life in order, get some stability for you and your son without becoming an unmarried dependent on this new guy. 🌹

but this guy that I’ve met has his own place with a spare room and is happy to have us move in on a trial basis I suppose to see how things work out and give us our own home as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my dads spare bedroom which is usually his office.

How will it be your own place??

So this man has a spare room and your dad has a spare room - it’s literally exactly the same!

Fucking hell, I really hope your ex gets full custody because you are obviously not a good parent.

Out of the frying-pan into the fire. I can see his point tbh.

Jesus OP you've gone from moving head first into a relationship with your ex and having a child very quickly, then moving back in with your Dad and now you are jumping into moving straight in with a new man. Did it ever occur to you that you don't always need a man to put a roof over your head?

I’d have a lot of questions about why a man would want a child he doesn’t know living in his house but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s just a really nice guy who’s trying to help you out. If he is, he’ll understand wanting to wait until you know him better and get yourself and your son better set up. You will find somewhere to live and you’re lucky enough to have your dad’s in the meantime so don’t rush into anything

Absolutely!!

I can’t imagine meeting a man or woman with a child and then inviting them to come and live with me a month later.

Having one adult move in with you is a massive deal but having a child move in too is insane!

There is obviously an ulterior motive here and it’s frightening that OP cares less about her child than a man she barely knows.

My friend's husband was abusive and violent, and he was a vicar.

You are being so irresponsible as a mother. Your child's welfare should be your main priority.
You say you're living on a sofa in your dad's office? What does your dad think about your plan to move in with a man you've only known for 4 weeks? How does he feel about his grandchild living with a strange man?
So you are currently BF and are co-sleeping. How's that's going to work at this guys house? I'm assuming you're not all going to be sharing a bed as that is majorly creepy. Or are you hoping you can move your child into their own room whilst you cosy up with this guy? Your poor kid is going to be so confused and upset.
Also by moving in with him you're going to be financially dependent on him. You won't receive half the benefits you would as you won't be a single mum. You'll probably have to pay for half the transport for your kid to see his dad so you'll have even less money.
Do you drive?
It sounds like you were quite isolated and financially dependant on your ex in your last relationship. Why would you want to be in that situation again?
I personally think that him wanting you to move in is a major red flag.
You 100% need to find yourself a flat and learn how to live on your own. Are you one of those people that aren't happy unless they're in a relationship?
You need to grow up and prioritise your son. He's already been through so much in his short life. He needs to feel settled and secure and then maybe you could work on transitioning him into his own cot etc. Then after a year or so, if this guy is still around, you could think about moving in together. At least then you won't be sharing a bed.
You're currently looking for the easy way out and thinking with your vagina and not your head. Looking for a flat for a month is not a long time at all.

You really aren't putting your child's welfare first, that's why your ex is worried. This guy could be anyone. You will probably get full custody if it went to court and you lived with your dad. If you move in with a stranger and can't provide a stable home he may well have a chance at getting custody.

Practical advice:

Don't introduce your son to a new partner for a year or 2.

My friend has done this twice and massively regrets it. It doesn't matter how certain you are this is the one - you owe it to your child to not confuse and destabilise matters.

You admit your current living situation is doing your in head in. I understand why you think this is an attractive alternative. This is a fairy story where a man swoops in to save you and go live happily ever after. You have to focus on stability for your son. That stability is you, him and grandad - and acclimatising to the new schedule with his dad.

Don't let this man anywhere near your child, not because he might be a wrongun but because it's just waaaaay too soon and off the back of waaaaay too much. Crikey even my adult friend's parents wait longer than this to introduce a new beau.

Hope it all works out

The absolute soonest your child should be even meeting a new man in your life is 6 months in. There's a good argument for longer. And you want to move in after 1 month? I'm afraid I have to agree with your ex, he really should go for full residency if you do this.

You cannot be serious.