So sick of arguing about bloody screens

[DeathToScreens]

Over the last several months, my son (age 9) has had several meltdown type episodes that involve lots of whining, demanding and lashing out at me because apparently "all of his friends" are allowed far more, or unlimited, screen time compared to him (who knows if this is even true). He is the most persistent child I've ever met and will not take no for an answer, about anything. He will go on about it for an hour or more. He thinks it's unfair and that he is left out. He claims I am too strict.

He's had a tablet since last Christmas. We lock it down/control it with the Google Family Link app. So certain apps are completely blocked (e.g. YouTube) and others have a time restriction (e.g. Roblox). We have it set so he can use the tablet for 2hrs each weekend day, plus 30min two afternoons a week. This is in addition to being able to watch TV on weekend mornings and watching YouTube for 5hrs straight after his grandparents pick him up from school once a week... (don't get me started on that...)

If he were allowed, he would spend ALL DAY (I kid you not) in front of the TV or tablet, and any exposure makes it SO HARD to get him out of the house or engaged in any other activity at all.

He has older and younger cousins who are allowed unlimited access to phones/tablets, and they are on them ALL THE TIME. One of them didn't leave the house all last summer because he was glued to a phone. He sees this and thinks it's the norm and unfair that he can't do the same.

When he has these meltdowns, sometimes I try just to listen and absorb his complaints, but more often than not it escalates and he ends up calling me names or telling me to shutup... then he loses access to the tablet/TV the next day. But it doesn't help at all. He's so caught up in thinking that everyone else is getting more access than him.

I'm so sick of going round in circles arguing about bloody screen time. At this point I just want to take a sledgehammer to every stupid screen. Am I being too harsh in my restrictions? Has anyone else been in this position?

Stand strong. You can tell him your son gets way more screen time than my 9 year old. I promise that it won't be "eevryone" having more. Loads of people don't do screens in the week (including that 5 hours of youtube!)

Ultimately screen are detremental to their concentration, and desire to do non-screen activities. The teenagers years will be hard if he's a screen zombie

It's awful for them, many young people can't self-regulate, it's all designed to be addictive, their parents give them a device then get cross at the inevitable arguments and upset.

He might do better without it altogether.

Thanks @Birmingbacon . Yep, I allow him more screen time than I'd actually like but there is no "enough" when it comes to their addictive nature. The YouTube thing with the grandparents is an issue but it's free childcare and hard to get the right balance in terms of conditions I try to impose when they care for him.

If he didn't interact with so many other kids at school who talk about games, TV programmes etc then it would be far easier. I can't let my values and his health slide because of desire to "fit in" though, can I?

Two or three hours outdoor activity earns him another 20 minutes?

I see what you're saying, but I think that will just make our entire lives revolve around screens :(

Whatever you do, remember you're the parent. You make the rules. If you waver, it will be harder next time.

Does he have other interests OP? I have three teens and I am fairly relaxed about screen time - but this is partly because they all do lots of sport, music etc which provide 'natural' limits.

Yes I think you’re being a bit harsh here. Restricting screens heavily could cause obsessive and extensive use in teen years when it’s going to be more difficult to restrict. My LO is allowed screen time basically on demand, but chooses to do other activities at will and is currently in garden chalking on the chalk board and hunting ants, having abandoned the IPad. I’m a pretty relaxed parent, but I think this is in part because I’ve seen it time and time again where children are restricted in screen time for example, amongst other pursuits, and then go hell bent on them once they begin to establish their autonomy as an individual who can within reason call the shots over what they do, how much they do it, and when.
Perhaps be a by more flexible and relaxed with your LO over this. Possibly direct attention away from YouTube/tv/texting onto gaming which is actually good for socialising, co ordination, problem solving etc. Unlimited access maybe not the right path for your individual child, but relaxing rules when homework/other extra cuticular stuff done?

we go hard every now and again and when the behaviour deteriorates when I’ve asked him to come off and somethings got thrown for example and we have a screen free day/weekend. No tv nothing. He gets upset for a bit but after a while is happier and it’s like a family reset (dh and I do it too).

stick with it, it’s got easier as they get older for me. Mine is 11.

Are there any restrictions on what he’s watching in YouTube at his grandparents? Are they even remotely aware of what he might be exposed to?

I just bought this for 99p on kindle, reviews seem to say it's good for general screen stuff not just gaming. Maybe it has something useful. I'll come back if see anything! Good luck x
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Raise-Healthy-Gamer-Relationship/dp/0593582047

You are doing great! All these restrictions are very good for his age (my 3 years old nephew gets unlimited time on his tablet on YouTube.......)
Stay strong! It's for his own benefit, he just doesn't know it yet!

My nephew is 16 and rarely leaves his room these days. When he does, he's hunched over his phone. He complains about attending any event or family get together, and pesters to go home. Its served as a stark warning to me with younger DC.

I would consider going cold turkey for a month. It IS hard, as they are addictive and many adults struggle to regulate themselves, but equally he needs to learn that you make the rules and going on about it will have consequences.

To add, chikdren aren't all the same - I have one who would be in front if a screen all day forever, and is obsessed. Another who will easily self regulate, goes through phases where he's more into it, then can go ages without.

Thanks, I appreciate this perspective. I do think it depends on the child though. He would choose screens every time if permitted. To him, nothing is more interesting apart from us doing something together but we can't be doing something together every waking hour.

@FlameTulip he's in a few clubs and enjoys lego, reading, building things. He does all these things quite happily up to a point. It'd be great if he had friends close by that he could play out with but no children seem to play out here.

@GrazingSheep it's YouTube kids so in theory nothing too worrying. Mainly watches inane gaming videos.

@Daisylookslost sorry forgot to respond to the last bit of your post. Yes, I will think about social stuff via games, thanks. He messages a few friends here and there. Apparently they all play Fortnite though and I'm awful for not allowing him to

@Illbefinejustbloodyfine it's so worrying isn't it, when you see the negative repercussions unfolding right in front of your eyes. I also have a relative who was allowed to spend his entire adolescence gaming in his room and even eat all his meals in there. It did not have a positive impact...

We just had the same with 8yo DS and he was so horrible shouting and screeching that he ended up with a month ban from any screen time which has just ended. He is much nicer for having the break! He also is more interested in doing other stuff again because he knew playing on the switch wasn't a possibility.
Having said that he's allowed to play after 2pm on a Saturday and has already asked if we'll be back from our day out tomorrow by then.
It's difficult as his sibling is the total opposite and will play a bit then get bored and do something different. So they've both ended up with strict rules over it when really only one of them needs the rules.

My 14 year old is restricted to 2.5 hours a day but often doesn't use them as there is a 7pm cut off time.

I give no fucks whether this is too hard or what other parents do. My job is to raise them as a functioning member of society. Stay strong, you are doing him a favour.

Yes we get that "What time will we back?" type question all the time, when what is actually being asked is "Will I be able to play on my tablet as soon as I get through the door??"

Most parents struggle with this. You are not the only one. My 8yo gets really shouty when he is asked to wrap it up with a gadget like the Switch. I do use timers, but at weekends we play card games so that screens are limited anyway. It's tough. It's always on my mind. It's a big beast to wrangle with. Where do you even start with this as a parent?

Thank you, I'm trying hard to channel your energy!! 😁

I find this sort of post extremely frustrating. The parent who got their parenting right, and the th child doesn’t always head for screen, but chooses wholesome activities instead. And (smug) parent always talks about how they got it right having seen other parents go hard and get it wrong.

honestly - I think there’s a certain amount of BS here. A lot of this is not down to amazing parenting - but down to the type of child you have.

Some children are more malleable, some refuse to take no for an answer. Just like some are more screen driven. It’s luck of the draw

OP I've only skimmed so sorry if this isn't helpful but: we have similar screen time restrictions which my DS (11) accepts with reasonably good grace usually but that's because I don't accept bad behaviour - including whinging about screen time and would punish it by... removing screen time.

So what I would do (obvs depending on other things going on in your life) is increase the allowance to 30 mins every weekday, 2 hrs at weekend, but then 'punish' even low level bad behaviour, including moaning about screentime, whinging and even asking for extra screen time (excessively - I wouldn't punish a one off question) by removing 10 mins screentime. Then another 10 and so on. It all of todays screen time is gone I would start removing tomorrow - that's why I would increase the allowance to daily because removing screentime from tomorrow is one thing, removing from two days time is a bit tricky!