Feeling like I failed my child by not deferring school start

[Honeybeesinthetrees]

My DS is 4 years old and is in reception. Hes the youngest in his class. I had thought about deferring him starting school but my DH and his nursery teacher both convinced me he was ready.
I was recently speaking to a few mums in a baby group I attend and they were all speaking about deferring their babies when it comes time to start school and listing all the benefits. I've had a gut feeling all year we should have deffered but the convo with these mums has really made me feel like ive failed him. Academically he is doing fine and he has a little group of friends but I know some of the older boys dominate him in the playground and I feel he has to try hard with the work to keep up at times. Would I be mad to look at holding him back now while hes still early in his school journey? His cousin is starting reception in a different school this year so he could potentially move to a new school so he's with his cousin and less of an issue with his current school friends

Unless he is SEN would he have to catch up with his year group at some point? And therefore miss a year?

No, he would be kept with his usual year group.

No I don't think so, deferring school start is an option for all children born april-june here in Northern Ireland, the legislation was passed and my DSs year were the first to be able to make the choice so it felt quite unknown, i feel is becoming more normal and accepted so if i were to do it again now it would be less of a big deal to defer

Is there space in this new reception class? Would they accept him? You need to find this out first.

Someone is always the youngest in the class. Unless he is struggling academically then leave him.

There is no guarantee he would be friends with his cousin. Our kids at that age seemed to change friends every month. It was only as they got older that they started to make their more permanent friends.

If he's keeping up now then starting back at the beginning is going to be really frustrating for him. Think of what he was learning last September to now. Unless he failed to grasp it and so is massively behind, he's going to spend most classes feeling bored.

No, definitely don’t do this. Why would you get him to repeat when he’s doing fine?

The older he gets, the less significant the age difference is. He’s doing well and has friends. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

You've just said he's doing fine academically and has a group of friends. What exactly do you think you've failed at? This all sounds absolutely fine. Having to try hard with his work is not a problem or a failing that you've caused. It's pretty normal.

He's most of the way through reception year, you can't put him back to the start again, it's just not sensible. When he's in Year 1 in September this idea of getting him to repeat a year will seem even more like a crazy idea!

But he's doing ok? Don't put him through a lot of upheaval because of one conversation with some parents whose kids haven't even started school yet.

If he is already in the school system can you redo a year? Is deferral only for a child entering the school system?

There’s been a few of these nearly identical threads over the last couple of weeks. I’m just wondering if it’s a time of year thing?

I’ve got an august born starting September so I’m interested

Look into it. Can he get a space at new school, would dh agree etc. If it is not possible the just concentrate on the positive. If it is possible then you have a decsion to make.

He's not struggling academically and he does have a group of friends so in that sense he really was ready. No, I wouldn't take him out and move him now. I'd leave things as they are.

I was the youngest in my school year (late August baby) and each year it made less and less difference.

If he's happy and doing well then leave him be. Of course you haven't failed him. I think you are setting far too much store by what a bunch of random people at baby/toddler group (or some on Mumsnet) have said.

I literally wrote this post last week. Exactly the same situation.

I'm still trying to make peace with my decision, but there's a niggling guilt. From the advice I have been given, schools don't necessarily grant every child the opportunity to defer (I'm not 100% on this) providing they are 4 when joining reception.

I feel the same as though I've done some disservice and that I've set him up to fail. I spoke to his teacher last week to ask how he is getting on and she basically said that all children are at different levels academically and emotionally, older ones included. He's doing well and has a good circle of friends.

It's so hard. Is there a possibility he could redo reception? This is what I was thinking, providing it was accepted by the school, but I keep going backwards and forwards.

Perhaps find out how many children in his class are of a similar age ie weeks apart. My son has at least 20 children who are June, July & August so that helped me feel like he wasn't the only one who was young - I know they are all young/ similar ages but you know what I mean

My DS is an August baby in Reception so one of the youngest (although not the only one). We thought about deferring and were given the option not to defer but have him repeat Reception. Ultimately, someone has to be the youngest in the year. He's doing well academically - he can read fluently whereas some of the other children are still blending phonics - and gets on well with his friends. He is definitely physically and socially younger than some of his friends but I don't think that's reason enough to hold him back. It would be entirely pointless for him to go back to, eg, learning phonics when he can write little stories already.

My son is still 3 but due to start reception in September and I have very mixed feelings and worry whether I should defer him so also interested in this thread.

I think you are far more likely to upset his development by making him restart reception. Do not feel guilty, plenty of people don’t defer.

IMO you've done the right thing if he is doing ok academically and has achieved friendships. I think the more difficult parts of being the youngest will help him build his resilience, don't underestimate how valuable that is.

Many many years ago I did actually re-do reception. Due to social service involvement I was sent to school a year early as my mum had a lot on with my younger and disabled siblings. I then started reception at a different school with my proper age group the following year. I just remember being really pissed off about it, as we did loads of stuff I’d already done, and I’d already read all the books that were available to the class.

So if he’s doing ok and has friends, I’d definitely leave him where he is.

The language here is so weird "holding him back". We have had deferral in Scotland since Adam was a boy and nobody talks about holding children back. It's so commonplace it's not even comment worthy. Some kids are deferred, some aren't.

I would tentatively explore your options with the school and see whether it's even an option to repeat his reception year, or do it again somewhere else, and then you'll have all the facts with which to make a decision which is right for your child. Right for HIM, not right for my child or his classmates or his teacher.

Ah N Ireland not England/Wales - apologies @Honeybeesinthetrees I have fallen into the trap of assuming you are English/Welsh which winds me up so much when people do the same with Scotland.

So P1 not reception then. Rest of the advice stands, speak to the school and scope it out before making any decisions.

We are starting our now 3yo in reception when she is 5. Tbh I was 50/50 about it but my husband feels more strongly that we should delay, so we've gone with that.

Is you son happy at school? Does he feel confident with school work? And have a good group of friends? Are the school dealing well with the older boys "dominating" him?

If he changes school he'll have to make a new group of friends, and may feel like there's something "wrong with him".

Another question to consider is how he will cope with the change from reception to year 1 (when lots of schools switch from play based to desk learning).

There will be benefits and drawbacks either way, and you won't know if you've made the right decision until they're grown up (if even then!), you've just got to think about all the factors and make a call.

Good luck!

Hmm, my child started reception at 5 and is thriving at school so I'm happy with the decision we made.

If your child was struggling at school/with school in any way, then I'd definitely recommend redoing reception. However it doesn't actually sound like that is the case? You say he is doing well with his schoolwork and has a good group of friends?

It's a tricky one because the data is clear about the long term disadvantage for summer born children from everything to academic results to mental health in teenage years BUT this obviously on a population level so many children will buck those trends.

I don’t know anyone that’s regretted deferring - only those that regret not deferring. Contrary to a previous poster, the age difference/ maturity difference becomes more apparent the older they get; specifically P7/S1 and S5/6 in my experience. In your shoes, I would look at redoing reception in a different school.

Its nice to know someone is in the same position, the feeling of guilt is terrible and anything that goes wrong I always think "would this have happened if we had deferred,"

I dont know if he can repeat reception in the same school, think the board of governors has to decide. Im not sure id want him to repeat in the same school anyway as it'll be hard for him to see his friends in the year above and he would be repeating all the work again If we were able to repeat reception id look at moving him to the other school very near us which his cousins attend. Wow 20 are young for the class, his class only has 23 kids in it, they seem to be spread quite evenly throughout the year, there is 1 other child born in June.