Feeling like I failed my child by not deferring school start

[Honeybeesinthetrees]

My DS is 4 years old and is in reception. Hes the youngest in his class. I had thought about deferring him starting school but my DH and his nursery teacher both convinced me he was ready.
I was recently speaking to a few mums in a baby group I attend and they were all speaking about deferring their babies when it comes time to start school and listing all the benefits. I've had a gut feeling all year we should have deffered but the convo with these mums has really made me feel like ive failed him. Academically he is doing fine and he has a little group of friends but I know some of the older boys dominate him in the playground and I feel he has to try hard with the work to keep up at times. Would I be mad to look at holding him back now while hes still early in his school journey? His cousin is starting reception in a different school this year so he could potentially move to a new school so he's with his cousin and less of an issue with his current school friends

There is a huge difference between deciding to defer and deciding that a child who has already done a year of reception (successfully) should redo the year.

Why do you want him to repeat the year, if he is not academically or friendship group behind? What is the benefit to him that you are hoping to achieve?

I agree very much with this. I think the latter should only be in pretty exceptional circumstances given the disruptive impact it has and the poor child who ends up with the message that they are the most stupid child in the class.

How would you explain it to him, in terms he can understand?

@Honeybeesinthetrees if I'm honest when he was in preschool he used to come home saying he was bored, and his teacher said he was ready. I think when it's your child and you want the very best for them you just feel guilty about every decision. Or I do.

His reception class is split into 2 groups of 30! So 60 in total. There's fewer younger ones when you look at it like that.

We don't really have the option to move him to another school, so he would have to do the same school to repeat which concerns me for the same reason as you. However, I think at break and lunch time he would still see his friends and also outside of school? I don't know, I just go round and round in circles.

I did try and talk to him about it this morning, did he feel like he was struggling at all (he's very vocal about his feelings etc - like his mother ) and he basically said he was feeling a little nervous about going into Y1 but he didn't want to do reception again - people will have a field day with this, he's only 4 and doesn't get to make the decision obviously but I wanted to hear him out.

In my experience absolutely loads of children aren't 'ready' for school, irrespective of age at the start of reception. Especially little boys, some of whom are more than 2 or 3 years off being able to sit still, listen and concentrate on reading and writing. So you'd be wasting your time deferring those kids until they were ready, because you'd have them at home, bouncing off the walls until they were 7.

The most important bit of reception is whether he is managing socially and whether he's happy. If he is then reception has been a success.

I don’t think it is very helpful to measure yourself / dc against other mums / dc, and their plans. I read on here something like ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and it is so so true. It is so easy to get a very overwhelming sense of mum-guilt when you hear about others doing x,y, or z. If your dc is coping academically and socially then that’s great. My dc was the youngest in the year (and the school), and is now at uni (and is still the youngest in his year!) and doing well. It was exhausting for him sometimes during the first year (reception) but we learned not to overload him with activities outside of school during the week.

But he's doing fine? Ignore herd mentality and do your own thing. You don't know that your friends' kids won't be at a disadvantage having deferred. None of us knows the future , we can only go by the present which suggests your child is fine where he is.

BTW I was the youngest in my year and there was no issue for me academically or socially.

Have you spoken to the teacher?
I am a year behind you and my daughter will be starting school in September at 4 and 3 weeks and we have no concerns about her starting. She has been with her cohort in nursery since she was 2 as she skipped a room.

I can't imagine holding her back at all. She has cried at least once a week since we did the school viewings that she wants to go to school. She thrives around slightly older children as she likes to be challenged. My only concern is her size as she's 1st percentile so could be 4-6 inches shorter than some of her peers

My sister by contrast is October born and my mum has always said she would have paid to send her a year earlier. She was hard work to keep at home during that last year and when she did start school they had to give her double the amount of work as the other children as she got through it quickly and went to play whilst the rest had barely started. She was an A -B student so bright but not superstar gifted.

My cousin deferred her son's entry and she has had issues with sports as he is very tall and big and doesn't know his own strength. Some of the other parents have expressed concerns about this and some don't like their children playing with him. Once he has a bit more self awareness it will probably settle down again.

Im not really sure to be honest, I know he loves his cousin and if presented with the opportunity to join him in school he may go for it (though getting him into that school and in that particular class would be difficult)

The reason why is I worry he will struggle throughout school always being the youngest, always having older children boss him about, the effect it may have on his confidence and future carer.... the list goes on
Being the oldest has many benefits....but I dont know if ive left it all too late now that he's nearly through the school year. I think it may be initially hard but long term this may be the best thing for him

Yes the teacher has reassured me he is doing fine and she has no concerns, if she did then I would be more keen on repeating the year. Its more the long term issues I am concerned with and addressing these while he is still young

Its so hard to know, my DS isnt the smallest, id say he falls into the lower end of the boys heightwise, he also isnt really tall so wouldn't stand out in the year below.

So, in Scotland here, where it is quite common to defer. My youngest is going to school this year and will be one of the oldest in the class (just missing the cut off for starting last year). The last few months have been pretty difficult at nursery. DC2 is bored to tears in the pre-school setting and under stimulated. This is playing out in messing around, not listening and wandering off in the middle of activities. DC2 doesn't want to go to nursery in the morning at all and kicks off. There are a few deferred children in the nursery class who are older than DC2 and are behaving similarly. All are clearly ready for school and need the step up. Having discussed with some of their parents, they do regret not sending them to school earlier.

It must be very difficult for the nursery teachers who are having to balance the needs of children just turned 3 right up to 5 year olds. There is a huge difference in abilities at those stages. The activities that are suitable for the younger ones aren't necessarily right for the older group and vice versa. My DC isn't by nature a particularly naughty child ( likes things neat and tidy and a bit of stickler for rules 😆 ) but boredom is definitely driving mischief!

Its nice to know someone is in the same position, the feeling of guilt is terrible and anything that goes wrong I always think "would this have happened if we had deferred,"

But if you make the change now, won’t you also question that if anything goes wrong?

I get the concerns about always being the youngest in the year (although my experience suggests that age and size does not always correlate to bossiness!) but I think it's important to build resilience too.

@Honeybeesinthetrees Why would being the youngest mean always being bossed about by older children? I don't think that's likely or even common. Do you have any evidence that it happens in the current school and that the school doesn't deal with it well? Surely bullying and social behaviour is mainly down to personality and upbringing rather than age?

Being the oldest might give an initial helping hand, assuming age correlates directly with maturity, which it doesn't always. But they all develop at different rates, with younger ones being just as likely to flourish and grow in confidence as the older ones.

You say the benefits of being older are many, but I notice you didn't list them. What are the benefits specifically to your son of being held back a year and repeating his reception year, when he is not academically or socially behind?

What do you see the long term issues are?

Most successful girl in my year - like, she’s a self-made millionaire now - was 10 months younger than me.

Don’t worry about it. You’re a good and loving mum who acted on the advice of qualified people and he’s doing well by the sounds of it.

The relative difference shrinks every year. If he wants to take a gap year before Uni or work he can do that and still be with his peers.

🌸

I'd just leave him where he is. In a few years time the age difference won't be so noticeable. I think if you hold him back now, by the time he gets to secondary school he will have outgrown his peers and feel too old. He doesn't sound like he's struggling much anyway.

Keep him back and from now on, trust yourself.

Don’t tie your self in knots, just do it. Good luck

What month was he born? All mine were quite young, one was right at the end of May they were fine. They didn't struggle academically they all passed the transfer and went to grammar.
Why would you think he'll spend his whole school life being bossed about by older children?
He seems fine, it would be different if he is really struggling or couldn't socialise etc but what has been the problem apart from your own feelings?

He was born in June, the cut off here is July 2nd, from what he tells me there a few boys who take charge of the games at breaktime, all of who are older/taller ones in the year, just feel that being older gives them a lot more confidence?

I would talk to the teacher about that ask them to keep an eye on it if you're concerned it's bullying behaviour. There's no guarantee if he repeated the year this still wouldn't happen as more confident children can also be younger than him.
At the end of the day it's your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. However moving school and repeating the year (especially as he's not struggling academically this year) may have a more detrimental effect than keeping him where he's at.

Op your being daft.
He'd be bored shit less learning letters, words and all that stuff again.

The last thing you want is for him to switch off and coast for a year getting bored, bored kids cause trouble. He'll end up not wanting to re-engage at the start of the following year.

You'll always wonder if you did the right thing no matter what you do. But you can take comfort that you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.

Don't know if it helps but my daughter started school at 4yrs and 3 weeks, i did consider deferring but then all her friends were off to school and she'd have been alone at nursery so we started school, she settled in right away, made friends, loves learning, she's now in Y3 and doing really well, it's not held her back at all. Sounds as if you son is doing well at school.

I think if he is otherwise happy and well, then leave him to be happy and well. I can only speak of my personal experience, but I was the youngest in my class (I missed the cut off by 9 days). I did struggle a bit academically in primary, but not because I was the youngest, it was because the school was very high pressured with large class sizes and there wasn't a lot of support for students. I also wasn't very happy. When I moved in secondary school, I was much happier. I finished top of my year. 20+ years later, I am by a stretch the most academic and 'successful' one still if you want to go by educational qualifications and career success. So it's absolutely not as black and white as it's often made out to seem. He can absolutely still thrive in school and have a lot of academic success assuming he's that way inclined. I think happiness, feeling supported, being in a school where there is time and space to grow and develop and not be pushed is key.