Feeling like I failed my child by not deferring school start

[Honeybeesinthetrees]

My DS is 4 years old and is in reception. Hes the youngest in his class. I had thought about deferring him starting school but my DH and his nursery teacher both convinced me he was ready.
I was recently speaking to a few mums in a baby group I attend and they were all speaking about deferring their babies when it comes time to start school and listing all the benefits. I've had a gut feeling all year we should have deffered but the convo with these mums has really made me feel like ive failed him. Academically he is doing fine and he has a little group of friends but I know some of the older boys dominate him in the playground and I feel he has to try hard with the work to keep up at times. Would I be mad to look at holding him back now while hes still early in his school journey? His cousin is starting reception in a different school this year so he could potentially move to a new school so he's with his cousin and less of an issue with his current school friends

All of that is normal playground behaviour and there is no guarantee that it would be any different if you did defer or hold him back a year, which I think would be more traumatic and frustrating for him than helpful given that he is doing well as he is.

I’m a ex teacher and have seen many child that were similar too young to be in full time education, it was very much too much too soon. I’m all for parents deferring if they think that’s what’s best for their child, I had a child who I thought would be absolutely fine in reception, bright and friendly girl but mum had a lot of reservations about her being one of the youngest and not ready despite being in full time nursery… she started reception, I had no concerns… then mum pulled her out and deferred, I taught her again the year after and she had come on so much, very equipped for reception socially, emotionally and academically… mummies know what’s best for their children!

What long term issues? I really can't see any from what you have said.

You say he's doing fine academically, the teacher is happy with him and he has some good friends.

This was the case for two of my three DDs, one of whom was May born and the other in July just a couple of days before the end of the summer term. Both were very academic, frustrated and bored with nursery and preschool and more than ready to start school as soon after their fourth birthdays as possible. Yes, they were very young, but they were academically ready and, like your DS, they made friends quickly. There would have been nothing to be achieved other than boredom and frustration by deferring or holding them back a year.

If it makes you feel any better - the bossy children in my class are actually the younger ones!!
some children are like that - it’s not necessarily their age. You might find there will be children just as bossy in his next class. As a reception teacher I would only advocate for having him repeat reception if there were SEND concerns or we thought they’d really struggle (and I mean really struggle) with the year 1 work.

I think you would be right to defer.
All my friends children who were August babies were precocious. Fine academically and often socially adept, but somehow found themselves surviving rather than thriving. Then struggling near end of primary. They adapted themselves well to the situation but it's almost as if bits of their development were rushed.
And for what? An accident of the calendar.

I was late summer born, my father was August, my nephews were August and late July and I can assure you there can be long term issues. Early precocity isn't such a great thing. Leads to low self esteem and comparison with others when tbh the children have had a whole year less to mature before embarking on a formal educational programme which has a CUT OFF...GCSEs and A Levels. It's often only corrected when students decide to wait a year before uni. (Or fail their A levels and retake)But up until that point you are constantly being compared to your school year

Why would a child born on 30th August be more frustrated at deferring than a child born on 1 st September is at waiting till the correct school year?

Why have you written 3 responses, seems excessive

I think it’s still a lot less common to defer than you think by reading sites like mumsnet. For some reason my DD’s class skews young, about half of the class of 30 have birthdays between April and August. Only 1 is deferred from the year above, and there were specific issues around his speech. All the rest are in their “right” year and I haven’t heard that any of their parents are regretting that. I only know of 1 other child who deferred to a later start, they were born prem in august when due in October.

Being ahead of your classmates is really, truly an awful place to be. It creates problems with study skills, relationships, and can lead to anxiety and behavioral issues. Deferring risks this, making him repeat a year he is already managing increases the odds.

My DH and 2 of my siblings have late August birthdays. None remotely scarred the experience and all successful adults. Something can be true at a population level without seeing that impact at an individual level so don’t be alarmed by the people suggesting your child will definitely struggle.

Where is the data to back this up? There is a large volume of data that shows that on a population level, the younger you are in the year group, the poorer your outcomes. This relates to academic outcomes right through to things like mental health in teenagers.

I think it is tricky. I deferred my middle born child he now complains about being the oldest in his class. I then point out the kid in the next class up who shares his birthday and is exactly a year older than him. She’s not even the eldest! Deferrals are a challenging decision in our school pretty much everyone defers so if you don’t you’d be in class with dc up to 14 months older. We’ve had parents move to the school and be a bit shocked by how much older the other kids are..

Just to add as obviously i did research all this being older for the year has better outcomes than being younger as a population BUT studies show no benefits to children who deferred vs those who didn't, basically deferring comes with its own issues and doesn't guarantee the same positive outcomes as naturally being the eldest in the year

I would wager that this is because the numbers of summer born children starting reception at 5 (in England at least) has always been extremely small, because in the past it was much more difficult to do. The numbers in the past will be heavily skewed by children with SEN who are of course much more likely to start school a year later. It is only really since the schools admissions code was changed to be clear on this right in 2015 that the numbers of non-SEN children starting at 5 will have started to pick up (although still as a proportion of summer born children, is absolutely tiny). It's too early to even do research that tracks these children to school leaving age, as they're not even there yet.

I am talking about the situation in England though and I believe you said you are in NI and I don't know anything about that.

My mum didn't defer my sister and she struggled the first few years of primary, but she is now a highly qualified uni tutor, art teacher and small business owner. She has several degrees and is living the highlife on the other side of the world. Don't give yourself a hard time, this is just a tiny part of their academic journey

Older doesn’t necessarily equate to bossiest. My grandson is July born and is VERY bossy!!!

I'd keep him where he is. Sounds like he's doing well. Depending on his personality there may always be children more dominant no matter how old they are.

My DS is a May birthday but did start school completely unprepared due to his speech and language delay. We didn't want to defer as he'd got a place at a SALT resource base and it possibly wouldn't wait for him.

In every way he wasn't ready for school but he's now nearing the end of year three and caught up, academically and socially. Every child is different but my DS despite a challenging start, as one of the younger ones plus his SEN, had caught up.

Thing is, you're not deferring him. You'd be repeating the year. He'd be doing the same activities more or less that he's already done. Even if in a different setting.

Deferral is the right thing for many children. However, I agree with @fedupandstuck, there's a huge difference between deferral and repeating a year.

OP, your child is doing fine and the teacher has no concerns. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be for him to repeat the year. Then in addition to repeating the year you want to separate him from his new friends and move to a school with his younger cousin. This has disaster written all over it.

Op the more I think about this the dafter I think the idea is.
He'll know he should be going into Yr1.
There might be chat in school about them being Yr1 'in training' spotting the new Reception kids on school visits.

Even in a different school he'll know he should be Yr1, and a big boy not a newbie anymore

He'll be bored senseless repeating the same stuff 'with babies who don't know anything'

Getting to the end of his school years as the youngest if he decides to change course and repeat 1st year at uni then it's not a big issue to slot in with the year below.

I'd keep him with his friends rather than trying to force a relationship with the cousin. It might also be a bad idea to have them in the same year. Either being competitive or being cliqueish.
Let them be their own people.

Where did you find that research?

When I was looking for oldest vs youngest in the class, about 8/9 years ago when I was making the decison for my oldest, I could only find one report that was a Scandinavian country, by the age of 30 the youngest quarter out earned the oldest quarter.
But remember that is an average. They'll always be some in the top who earn really well and vice versa.

There is ample information about gifted and advanced students and the difficulties they face in the classroom.

Ah, right, so there isn't any. As that' not the same thing at all. Being the eldest in a year group does not make you 'gifted' nor 'advanced'. Otherwise September born children would routinely have worse outcomes on a population level in this country, which they don't.

I’m delaying my child’s start (summer born and SEN) but in the circumstances you describe, I wouldn’t repeat the first year of school as I think it could do more harm than good, for all the reasons previous posters have already described.