Childfree movement flooding FB, YouTube and Feminist Politics causing me great anxiety

[Kiki1703]

I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my 2nd.

I was on the fence for a long time and then surprisingly got pregnant first try.

My firstborn is 8 years old so there will be a big gap.

Because I got pregnant so quickly my fears and doubts were not dealt with and I feel extremely sensitive to those who have chosen child free, one and done lifestyles…. As I was so close to being one and done.

So many of what is listed in the subs, such as: don’t have kids unless you’re 100% sure, there are zero cons to not having them, we only have the cause of society pressure, they ruin your life, they don’t visit you when they are old…. They could be born with lifelong disabilities… they drain your money, time and freedom. (To name a few) get in my head

When was the world so negative about having children?

Why do I feel that I’ve made a massive mistake?

I just want to be happy and joyful and excited about new baby girl but I feel like the world is so anti kids these days, it’s sad to see.

I feel like they are the ‘right’ ones and I’ve somehow even deluded and brainwashed by the herd.

It’s horrible to not feel convicted in my choice and I am worried will get worse when baby comes.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Any counter arguments to the huge child free movements out there?

Thanks in advance (pregnant and stressed mummy of two)

🩷🩵

I think you might need to speak to your midwife about your anxieties becoming problematic. This is just another concept that you've latched onto that seems to be fueling your anxieties.

I would heartily recommend a couple of weeks' break from consuming social media too.

People choose to have or not have children for many valid reasons. Presumably you had reasons for wanting both of your children before you saw these posts? I think you need to put those reasons front and centre in your mind and forget what other people are saying on SM. They're speaking for themselves, not you.

And definitely speak to your midwife about your anxieties.

FFS! There is far more overt judgment about women that doesn’t have children than about those who do and they are far more likely to be subject to intrusive questioning from strangers, friends and family.

Stop looking at the subs you are looking at, you know the way algorithms work, that’s why you are seeing a lot of negative opinions.

You are inventing problems. I’m very short, doubtless I could disappear down an internet rabbit hole of self hatred and feelings of persecution if I googled “Is it bad to be short?”. However I’m not enough of a twat to equate that with actually being on a par with genuine persecuted minorities.

You need to come off social media lovie, you've clicked on one or two things and now it seems like the world is flooded with a particular set of messages. In reality, it's the algo serving you things that you continue to engage with.

With kindness, if you asked anyone on the infertility boards if the world was awash with negativity around having children I think you'd find very different views.

Yes, speak to your MW about anxiety but also, stop feeding it.

Hi OP,

I do agree that you are probably going down a rabbit hole but I also agree that motherhood is portrayed by some as being this awful but necessary thing that destroys your life how you knew it before.

what is in your favour here is that you already have a child so you know what life is like already…this is why I’m a bit confused..do you feel like you wish you never had them? I would say the answer to this is no as you’re having another that was planned.

my DS is currently 14 weeks. Life is very different but to be honest at age 34 I was bored of what I had, great job, holidays, nights out to some it sounds like living the dream but to me it was all starting to feel a little empty.

I could understand your concern more if this was your first and you were listening to all the negatives and you had no experience to base it on, but you already have one so you know what’s it’s like.

People talk bollcks. Don’t let the negativity get to you and influence your feelings. What they think is irrelevant. Kids are hard work for many reasons BUT the love you feel for them is beyond any feeling I’ve ever experienced and worth every second

The negatives of having children are known and don’t really change. They would be the same negatives before you had your first. At some point if you want a child, that want outweighs the negatives. It doesn’t cancel out the negatives they are still there. Kids are still expensive, they still take your time and flexibility. They might have complex additional needs. But for people who want children, there is a point when you decide to go for it (planned or not planned) that you think the positives outweigh the negatives.

The want for another outweighed the negatives for you and tried and got pregnant. You can still worry if you’ve made the right choice, it’s a big deal and it’s normal to question big changes. However, you have a child already. So the counter argument is your own 8 year old. You must have enjoyed at least some of parenting them to voluntarily do it again.

This.

I have three children and couldn’t give a flying shit about any of these ‘movements’, in fact I’m not even aware of them because I’m not reading them. The world is not anti-kids. Stop listening to mob-rule nutjobs and find more uplifting topics to explore.

Also agree with this

Please delete your social media / you tube, it sounds very damaging to your mental health - you don't need it. Find other productive ways to support yourself - reading, get outside, see friends. Those posts are not representative of people's opinions, it's a overblown nonsense. You've made a choice, you need to have a good attitude towards it.

Agree with pp - come off social media!

The world is so not anti-kids. Most women have children, for better or worse. I understand feeling anxious, but you are making it worse by going on social media. Get some therapy or talk to a friend with two.

I will probably get into trouble for this but my feeling is that the CF movement protests a little too much. I know loads of clever, successful women who don't have kids and they don't go on about it because they are happy with their choices.

We all know the negatives of having children. The positives are almost beyond description, starting with the overwhelming love like no other that we feel for our kids.

And yes, step away from social media!

Everyone should do what they want but the childfree rhetoric can be horrible in some cases (mostly not.) I know people are arguing above that this doesn't happen much but in certain spaces (I'm a long-time vegan for instance) it can be aggressive and nasty.

They will sound very certain that they are right but that doesn't make them right. If no-one had kids then who would care for this generation when we are old etc. Don't let them into your head.

I feel like they are the ‘right’ ones and I’ve somehow even deluded and brainwashed by the herd.

You're not. Two children is not a crazy number to have.

Congrats btw. I have about the same age gap and it's been great.

I know how you feel op. I've been ttc for two years for our first and my social media (including mum's net) is bombarded with parents who paint their lives as hell on earth. It's really rocked my decision making on even having a first.

I had no idea how prevalent SEN, genetic disorders, child mental health issues etc are and it's a worry.

At the risk of a flaming I actually think the militant childfree lobby are actually probably a rather bitter, unhappy lot Thou protests too much I think.

I think you need to gently challenge yourself on the idea that there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' way to do things. That's not how life works, especially with something as complex as having children.

There are loads of brilliant reasons to stay child free. There are loads of brilliant reasons to have children. They can both be turn out to be excellent decisions.

I’ve never seen content like that on social media because I’ve never looked for it. My feed is the opposite - I sometimes get time lapses of mums in the US making breakfast or packed lunches for their 11 kids which I find interesting.

Sorry but I think child free women are judged much more than women with one child. I have 3 and am aware that some judge me for being a single parent but idgaf because we are absolutely fine.

OP you've also posted about being embarrassed to be pregnant at 35 and I think maybe in the past about the age gap.

It sounds like you have some anxiety and are fixating on different things. Have you spoken to your midwife about some mental health support in this pregnancy? Hormones can be odd things.

OP ignore the negatives and focus on the positives. From my own experience: I have several children and absolutely love spending time with them. The early days were hard work with the sleepless nights and the mess etc etc but they still made me laugh all the time. They are my absolute favourite people in the world to hang out with: Going to the cinema, out to a restaurant or staying at home playing a board game or whatever, with one or another or indeed all of them at once, they are great company. They are also great companions for each other. We don't have a huge network of extended family and I love to know that after I'm dead and gone they will always have each other as a support network. They are all very individual with different aims and goals in life and they are all very good friends as well as siblings. It's a wonderful thing!

The shock! The horror! Different people make different choices! Sad to see how you can only be happy if you knock their choices should they happen to be different from yours or summon the furies of MN hell to do it for you. After all, this site hasn't seen a good chikdfree bashing session in how many days/hours/minutes?

My 2 children are adults now so not childfree but im an empty nester now.
We all make choices i made mine and happy i did have them when i did.
Just come off SM and enjoy being a mum who gives a hoot what others think.

Im childfree by choice im not bitter not unhappy either.
I could not care less if someone wants a baby or not.
I dont go around being smug about it and i dont blend in with online childfree protesters as I find they give the cringe.
But not all us childfree people are bitter or unhappy.
I love life and im always happy.😁

I see no evidence of that, mostly just some women who get judged for not reproducing having a vent. Every ‘movement’ will have a fringe of militants.