Childfree movement flooding FB, YouTube and Feminist Politics causing me great anxiety

[Kiki1703]

I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my 2nd.

I was on the fence for a long time and then surprisingly got pregnant first try.

My firstborn is 8 years old so there will be a big gap.

Because I got pregnant so quickly my fears and doubts were not dealt with and I feel extremely sensitive to those who have chosen child free, one and done lifestyles…. As I was so close to being one and done.

So many of what is listed in the subs, such as: don’t have kids unless you’re 100% sure, there are zero cons to not having them, we only have the cause of society pressure, they ruin your life, they don’t visit you when they are old…. They could be born with lifelong disabilities… they drain your money, time and freedom. (To name a few) get in my head

When was the world so negative about having children?

Why do I feel that I’ve made a massive mistake?

I just want to be happy and joyful and excited about new baby girl but I feel like the world is so anti kids these days, it’s sad to see.

I feel like they are the ‘right’ ones and I’ve somehow even deluded and brainwashed by the herd.

It’s horrible to not feel convicted in my choice and I am worried will get worse when baby comes.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Any counter arguments to the huge child free movements out there?

Thanks in advance (pregnant and stressed mummy of two)

🩷🩵

That's my point. You're not militant about it. You're just living your life. I'm talking about the people who rant online about how hideous having children is and make being childfree part of their personality. Surely no one who is genuinely happy does that?

But why would they need to be ‘genuinely happy’, any more than parents ricochet around bubbling over with the joy of having children 24/7?

No one has to be anything. I'm simply saying that people who make being childfree their entire personality and talk constantly about how awful having children must be, are probably not actually as happy being childfree as they make out.

OP you need to realise how social media works. Meta and TikTok in particular, if you engage with a specialist type of content (eg watch most of a video of someone talking about how being child free is the bee's knees) it will very, very quickly learn that and just bombard you with similar content. And it starts to very quickly feel that there's a huge number of people who share that opinion, whilst in reality it's a small proportion of society.
Get off social media or click on the three dots and select "I want to see less of this type of content" (or however it's worded).

Stop reading ridiculous opinions of ridiculous people on social media. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks about your life choices? Particularly online randoms. Get off your phone and live your life.

I think SM is terrible for those with anxiety and particularly new mothers. As others have said, step away and take a detox or at the very least review what your actually viewing I haven't seen any of the things you have so must be todo with the algorithms.

Have a child because you want one, because you want that experience and journey.
If they don't visit you when you are old well you can't have raised them in a loving and supportive household.
Yes children can be born with lifelong disabilities, but any of us, significant others or close family members can acquire disabilities and will need caring for in the same way.
Yes having a child changes your life and you can't do the things you enjoyed before hand, but they open up access to many things that you are 'too old' to do alone.
Having a child is an 18 year experience, of highs and lows and learning new skills and talents. What else would you want to spend 18 years doing?

I think I’ll have to… what’s it like to have adult children? X

What about adulthood? I’ve read that the worry is nothing compared to the worry that happens when they fly the nest and basically your mind will never be at peace? X

The judgement and spite towards childfree women is way worse than the other way around.

Just come off social media.

You adapt of course you raise children with the skills for adulthood, you teach them good morals, first aid skills, financial skills, you let them make mistakes and learn from them.
You ensure they know you are always available should they need you and you trust they will make good decisions, and if they don't very few decisions are irreversible. You take some perspective in the fact that really we are just a bundle of atoms whizzing around a giant ball of gas everything we do is temporary really, and you tell them you love them so if something terrible does happen you've left it on a positive note.

They’ll be even more militant when there’s no one to pay their state pension, or man their hospitals when they’re 80.

Surely the answer it to not read or watch this stuff on FB/YT/wherever else you're reading this? You're 16 weeks pregnant. If you're that worried, it's not too late to terminate. If you don't want to terminate, you're going to have a baby (in all probability).

Ah, just seen you're the poster who posted about being embarrassed at being pregnant aged 35.

I think you need to come off social media completely, and seek help with your worries. You're using MN as therapy, and it's giving your anxieties oxygen. Come off of here. Get out into the real world and seek real help.

Everyone is different to me its blissful yes indeed i worry but they are adults now.
I like to think of it as im always going to be a parent but i dont do parenting anymore and its my time now.
I done my child raising years and now there over it a joy to see the men they have grown into.
I dont worry about certain things any more and it's a sense of peace to me.
So no schools no friends at the house no teachers ringing no worry about the uniform price etc no overflowing laundry cook if want endless list.
I dont have to compromise as much.
It is abit like being child free do what i want when i want how i want without having responsibility for anyone but me.
i call it a new chapter in life and ill be 38 this year and loving it.

Get off social media. Stop following childless people on the Internet.

You've made your choices and that's the end of it.

It isn’t “flooding social media” - you are clicking on it, so the algorithms are sending you more.

I would echo a pp that you should speak to your midwife - you already have one child and know what to expect, you obviously planned this baby, so a few childfree TikTok vids shouldn’t have you spiralling like this.

Wow your fiery i like that i was gonna say you made your bed now lay in it.
But you words are better.

Obvious counter argument:

LOVE.

Remember the day your first child was born, looking into their eyes in amazement. remember watching them fall asleep, listening to their little snores. Brushing your hand through their hair.

There is a great reason to have children and that reason is love.

Well it’s too late to worry about that now isn’t it, you already have an 8 year old…

Honestly OP, get some help. Most parents of adult children do not life their lives in a constant haze of anxiety about what their kids are getting up to, and of course it isn’t true that “your mind will never be at peace”. I worry that your 8 year old will never be allowed to gain any independence if you won’t let them out of your sight in case something happens to them.

How old are you op.
you have a long way to go before the worrying over the adult years start.

You’ve perfectly summarized it @AnthuriumCrystallinum .

People make the best life choices for themselves, not other people. What’s “right” for one person may be “wrong” for another.

DH is the only one of his siblings who’s chosen to have children. As far as I know, everyone is happy with their decision.

Do what’s right for you and don’t doubt yourself so much. 💐

I think the 'what have I done!?!' feeling is really normal in pregnancy, no matter how wanted the baby is. It's definitely good to talk the through this stuff and keep an eye on your mental health but you decided to have this baby for a reason.
Fwiw... Mentally I found a second baby much easier than the first, whatever tough stage you're in, the big one is there to remind you how short lived it is. I also have a 5 year age gap between dc2 and 3 and I loved having that time when big kids were at school to focus on the baby. Plus they're old enough to pass you stuff and make silly faces at the baby while you do things 😊

This is your 2nd post about things which shouldn’t really be causing this much distress. You would be wise to speak to your midwife and get some mental health support as soon as possible for yours and your baby’s sake.
come off social media, it is feeding you content as that’s how it works.

as pp said maybe come off social media as much. or try some podcasts that are more aligned with what you feel. I like the Maiden Mother Matriach podcast for example. 😊

I also found this article a while ago which I found interesting https://www.huffpost.com/entry/when-did-feminism-become_b_13666536

recent short convo with a reasonably good (child free) friend at work, when she said she was tired on asking how each other are, I gave some standard sympathetic response but when I said I was also tired (in response to how are you question) she said that I can't complain because that's the lifestyle I chose. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think that wider society and (social) media pits women against each other and child/child free is one that can cause such a divide because its so black and white. sort of related, I listened to 'the coddling of the American mind' recently and there was a bit in it about how modern media and particularly social media is most lucrative/ effective when it creates the biggest divisions in society/ is the most extreme, so it causes polarisation on certain topics.

@Kiki1703 from the people I know, adult children either bring great joy, or can break your heart and borderline destroy your life.

I think you just have to travel hopefully.

You have chosen what works for YOU. I'm mid 20s I have a plethora of reasons I'd like to be child free and receive far more criticism for this, but guess what? My decision works for me like having children works for you.

Theres no point worrying about things that don't personally impact you, we all make choices for our lives and it sounds like you've made choices for you that doesn't make your decisions right or wrong like it doesn't mean make someone who chooses not to have children's decisions right or wrong.