Should husband get up with our son in the mornings?

[BathToysEverywhere]

Me and Dh have a 3 year old DS. For the majority of the time we’ve had DS it’s been me who will get up with him if he wakes in the night and get up with him in the mornings. This is because my dh is the one who works and I’m a SAHM. We did have a little system going last year where we’d take it in turns to get up with him in the mornings but that’s somehow slipped. Dh will also occasionally get up with DS if he’s had a particularly bad night and I’ve not had a lot of sleep. although this is more likely to happen if it’s the weekend and he doesn’t have work.

Ds has recently started asking for daddy when I go in to his room in the mornings. It started off with him asking nicely but it’s now turned into full on crying if daddy doesn’t come in. Dh is really reluctant to get up, and gets really annoyed with DS saying it’s not fair to ask for him every morning. This morning he said he’ll probably have to call in sick to work as he’s too tired! DS doesn’t get up overly early, normally 6.30-7, sometimes later.

I don’t know if it’s me but I can’t see the issue with dh getting up. I’m very much a morning person so it’s never bothered me that I’ve been the default parent to get up with our DS. However, the fact he’s now asking for daddy and getting upset about it, I just can’t understand why dh is making such a fuss about getting up! His job isn’t particularly hard or physical and he works a normal 5 day week, 9-5.30 day, so no long hours.

it’s turning into a daily thing that DS cries until daddy gets up and it’s making me upset that this is the way we start our day. The ‘it’s not fair’ comment from my dh really jarred with me as I’ve not once complained about being the one to get up with our DS. If it’s not fair for him to do it now, how come he’s found it perfectly fair for me to have been doing it for the past 3 years?

just interested on others opinions on this!

What time is your husband getting up then? It can't be that much later surely if he's working from 9?

He lives quite close to work so would ususally get up around 7.45/8. But yes, not a lot later really!

I think DS has twigged that he doesn’t get to see much of his daddy in the mornings So is trying to get as much time with him as possible! Which is understandable. Just can’t get my head round why dh wouldn’t want the same!

Could DS be the one to wake daddy up at 7.45? Get him a gro clock and he can help you make toast for daddy.

Which doesn't actually solve your DH problem.

What is he going to do when DS starts school?

If your Dh is tired at 6.30am and his son is crying out for him specifically then he needs to go to bed earlier. He is being an arsehole about it. Children need their parents and Ds wants his Dad. Even as a sahm he should still be parenting his child when you are both there. He is off the clock when he goes to work and Ds is your sole responsibility.

Ds2 was horrifically poorly as a baby and we had to get up to him in the night for a long time. At no point did Dh complain. We actually did shifts so that each of us got at least a 4 hour block of sleep. Your Dh sounds very selfish. He has had a child, his life has to change and his son should be his priority.

Err this. He needs to go to bed early if he feels too tired. As a parent l have to make myself go to bed earlier than l would like so l can get up early. It’s just one of those things. I am chuckling about the phoning in sick, by his logic l would have phoned in sick from tirednesss most days since l went back to work after having twins! Is he always so avoidant and a wet blanket?!

If your DH can’t get up at 6.30/7 and make it through a 9-5 work day then he either needs to go to bed earlier or see a doctor because that’s really not normal.

He can't go to work because he's woken up slightly earlier in the morning? He needs to grow up. I'm annoyed on your behalf at the not fair comments also. I'd be having words with him that it's unacceptable to not pull his weight

Your husband is being selfish and unkind to you and your son. 6:30-7 is a great time for a toddler to sleep in to.

My son usually gets up at the same time and my husband and I take turns getting up 50/50 roughly. We don't even discuss who's getting up. One of us just gets up in the morning and leaves the other to sleep if they need it. Sometimes we both get up.

Recently I had a fortnight of post-viral fatigue. I was absolutely exhausted. For the week of being ill and the two weeks after my husband got up every single morning because I was needing excessive sleep. He was tired too from working but he did it because I was so exhausted. This also coincided with a random spate of 5/5:30 wakings from son but my husband still didn't complain.

Your husband is being lazy and not showing any care for you.

If you are a SAHM I wouldn't expect dad to do mornings but a decent dad would.

Why?

If OP is doing all the night wakings and getting up with toddler, they are consistently getting less sleep than their husband.

Why is he entitled to all the sleep?

Sorry, your oh is being unreasonable. He should get up and see to his son whether it's in the night or in the morning to greet his son. You don't get to clock off from duty, whereas he does. You also work long hours and are tired. Where is your lie in, in the morning . You should be a team and work together, but it sounds like you're doing everything .

@Yourethebeerthief

Split the hours if you like.
40 hours of work to mum 40 hours + commute to dad. Make a plan of child care, chores, nights and mornings if it's important.

I wouldn't expect dad to do mornings with a SAHM but every family is different. I would like my husband to because of love for the child.
But every family has to work out how they settle.

Pfftt. I used to work until 1am and get home about 2 and still be up at 7 to help exH with the morning routine. I liked to do it because by the time DC had finished nursery I was on my way back to work.

We do every second week with one of us getting up with our kids.

I would be a little careful that ds learns that he can't always have what he wants when he wants it and he doesn't learn that a tantrum gets him what he wants faster. Having said that your dh is being unreasonable to say that waking up an hour early makes him too ill to work. How does he cope with an hour change? I would perhaps go with a not until 7 rule and occupy him a different way, but more so ds learns to wait patiently than for the poor man child dh.

Going against the grain a little but I’m not sure your 3 year old should call the shots on who gets up with him. My DD would prefer that I put her to bed each night but DH and I alternate because it’s fair, she cries for me but she does eventually accept it. I am definitely guilty of giving in to her at times when I probably shouldn’t but in general think it’s helpful for children to realise as early as possible that they do not call the shots on everything and their parents will set appropriate boundaries, I think in the long run it will make them feel more secure (of course I do give my DD the opportunity to make lots of choices in other areas so she has some autonomy).

All that being said, I do think your DH should alternate the wake ups with you, not because your DS cries but because it is fair to you.

I struggle with mornings. I'm on sedating medication and I do the night wake ups.

My partner leaves for work at 6 so I do the mornings during the week. My partner works from home 1 day a week so we both get up with our daughter around the same time. One starts getting her ready and the other parent makes coffees. At the weekend my partner takes her both mornings and I sleep until 9.30-10. He gets some 1 on 1 time with her and I get two days where I can properly sleep off the meds without waking up groggy. If we have plans on the weekend my partner and daughter wake me up at 8.30 -9 with a coffee and cuddles.

My daughter has only ever accepted me over night so this was how we found balance

In most scenarios, I think both parents should regularly do some mornings (and some school runs, and some bedtimes, etc., etc.) so that they and the children are both comfortable with them doing it. Even if there are good reasons why one parent does the vast majority of it, things go a lot more smoothly if both parents can do it independently if needed.

I also think it's not good for children to be able to completely call the shots in things like this. Have some input, potentially, but he's three – he can't consider everything that needs to get done in the morning, what's fair to everyone, etc.

Beyond that, I think you have to look at the balance in the round. If you're also doing all the baths and bedtimes, and DH basically doesn't see DS except on weekends, that's a bit different than if DH is doing most of the evening routine. Ultimately, your son needs quality time with both of you, together and separately, and you should both be getting enough sleep (if at all possible) and have roughly equal free time. Morning wake-ups are only a small part of the picture.

Can DH get up with him 3 days a week Friday, Sat & Sunday and you do the rest. I think consistency is key here. So you can confidently say to DS not today but in X sleeps.

I think every morning is harsh and teaching your DS that crying gets his own way. However his desire to spend time with his dad is one that should be encouraged. I would agree Daddy does one weekend morning and two weekday mornings pre arranged and stuck to and beyond that you do the rest no matter how much he cries

Surely is you're the stay at home parent then the default should be that your DH gets up with him so that you can have a break before the stress of having your son all day starts.

Also being a SAHM doesn't mean that you parent 24 hours a day and your DH does zero parenting. Surely it means that your work is in the home, DHs work is out of the home and you both split the other time ie overnight, before work, after work, between you.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick.

What does he think would happen if you sent back to work?

If your still getting up with ds of a night then I can’t see why dh can’t get up with him in the morning so you can catch up on some sleep, that’s what we do in my home if I’ve been up with ds (2) at night dp get up with him in the morning makes his breakfast and gets himself ready for work. I’d be having a word with dh because unless ds is also disturbed him when he wakes in the night he shouldn’t be tired at 6:30/7 in the morning.

Hmm I actually think being the sahp you should do most of the mornings (most not all).

You are lucky your dh brings in a wage to support the family (I'd be saying the same if you worked all week and dh was a sahp)

I would encourage time with dad in the eves and maybe you have a hot bath/ run/ meet friends etc so you get some time back. Or dad- child time on a weekend day and you have a day off childcare. Then ds needs for daddy when he wakes may ease as I agree with others it's not great him lessening he screams then gets what he wants.

How much does DS wake in the night?

If he wakes a lot - it’s absolutely fair that the early mornings should be split

If he only wakes rarely - then actually I think YABU. You’re a morning person and don’t find it hard getting up early (except on the bad sleep nights), whilst your DH clearly does. Your DS is 3 so presumably you get some time to yourself while he’s in nursery? Your DH doesn’t get this, so a bit of extra time in bed balances this somewhat.