Should husband get up with our son in the mornings?

[BathToysEverywhere]

Me and Dh have a 3 year old DS. For the majority of the time we’ve had DS it’s been me who will get up with him if he wakes in the night and get up with him in the mornings. This is because my dh is the one who works and I’m a SAHM. We did have a little system going last year where we’d take it in turns to get up with him in the mornings but that’s somehow slipped. Dh will also occasionally get up with DS if he’s had a particularly bad night and I’ve not had a lot of sleep. although this is more likely to happen if it’s the weekend and he doesn’t have work.

Ds has recently started asking for daddy when I go in to his room in the mornings. It started off with him asking nicely but it’s now turned into full on crying if daddy doesn’t come in. Dh is really reluctant to get up, and gets really annoyed with DS saying it’s not fair to ask for him every morning. This morning he said he’ll probably have to call in sick to work as he’s too tired! DS doesn’t get up overly early, normally 6.30-7, sometimes later.

I don’t know if it’s me but I can’t see the issue with dh getting up. I’m very much a morning person so it’s never bothered me that I’ve been the default parent to get up with our DS. However, the fact he’s now asking for daddy and getting upset about it, I just can’t understand why dh is making such a fuss about getting up! His job isn’t particularly hard or physical and he works a normal 5 day week, 9-5.30 day, so no long hours.

it’s turning into a daily thing that DS cries until daddy gets up and it’s making me upset that this is the way we start our day. The ‘it’s not fair’ comment from my dh really jarred with me as I’ve not once complained about being the one to get up with our DS. If it’s not fair for him to do it now, how come he’s found it perfectly fair for me to have been doing it for the past 3 years?

just interested on others opinions on this!

That's just crazy! I have worked since youngest was 9 months old and she still woke 4/5 times a night then, hubby alternates early week/late week of shifts. I am up every weekday at 5:30, get stuff done, go to work and still have energy in the evening (not a lot but enough!) Hubby will get up DD and get her sorted some days even if I am up, and he is not a morning person at all! I don't understand his logic that he needs sleep cos he works...both me and hubby have had nights where someone has been ill or just up and down and had like 4 hours sleep and still managed the day. If he's going to bed at early hours of the morning then he needs to change this to enable getting up some mornings. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you automatically have to do all the care.

Crikey when I went back to work after having DD we'd both be up frequently in the night (also had 2 yr old DS) - kids sleeping through the night to 6.30/7 would have been a dream. Then I'd be out the door before 7am to catch a train and DH at 7.30am. We both managed to get through a working day.

Childcare is a full time job. That's why we pay people a full time salary to do it for us. So let's say you're a full time child-carer (SAHM). Your hours are 9-5, presumably like husband's 9-5. Outside of that, you are PARENTS and that is an equal job. All things have to be split equally, including nights. It's the only way to do it. So yes, he needs to get up when his toddler asks for him. None of this "but I work" bullshit. So do SAHM. If the argument is that we don't, then why the hell do we pay cleaners, childminders etc, if that's not work?!

I never understand this mentality.

Do people really think that looking after their own dc is comparable to looking after other people's children in a professional capacity? I find this really hard to comprehend - I always found it a joy to be around my own dc, and not like work at all, but looking after other people's children is much more of a chore.

For me, the SAHP role is not really comparable to a job. Yes, there is work involved, but you don't have a boss, there are no targets, no appraisals etc. You can follow your own schedule and set your own standards. If you fancy a slow day sometimes, there's nothing to stop you.

I'm not saying that the WOHP shouldn't do their fair share of parenting when they're not at work. I find it odd that they wouldn't want to, personally. I just don't really buy into the idea of SAHPing being a "job". From my perspective, it's more of a lifestyle choice.

In the same way, I don't think cleaning your own house or cooking your own meals is a job either - again, you do it on your own schedule to your own standards.

You need to sort it out between you but what ever way you go it's not particularly early. I don't think that DS gets to dictate what time your husband gets up. Maybe he could do the weekend?

My ex DH used to work shifts. When he was on the 8-8 shift he would bento around 6 so if out little one was waking at the same time he would get her and take her downstairs to feed her whilst he was sorting his breakfast. Often did this when working 9-9 shift as well otherwise he wooden see her when he got home as she would be in bed. He did this when I was on mat leave and getting up during the night so that I could get the extra sleep on a morning. Then I went back to work and I worked from home some days and other days in the office so didn’t always need to get up as early. We then had another when first was 3 and he continued to do this even when I was on mat leave as again I did most night times. He slept through the night time crying mostly. No idea how. I must have been a light sleeper once we had kids as I used to not wake easily during the night.

Childcare is a full time job

I agree if the DC are small and at home all day but the OP’s DC is 3 and so presumably goes to nursery some of the time.

I think its important you work as a team but I am also a SAHM - we had twins and my son didn't sleep through the night until he was 4 years old. My husband went to work so I could stay at home - in my personal experience as I used to work full time until I was 36 - being tired driving, being tired in meetings, being tired while making important decisions...is I am sorry very different from being tired as a SAHM doing SAHM things.

I don't think its unreasonable at all you wanting to share some of the burden - but one minute you say your a morning person and don't mind getting up in the mornings - and the next you are complaining you have been doing it.

What stands out for me above all this is you think if your son screams for someone he should get what he wants. I'd be telling my child that asking nicely is the way to get what you want or you're setting yourself up for him screaming for other things.

So DH doesn’t want to get out of bed earlier than he needs to so OP should leave him in bed every morning, deal with the crying child then make her DH breakfast?

I think you should join a gym or take up jogging. Every morning from 6-7am .... 😉

I’ve always been a morning person and hubbie a night owl so he has alway done ‘late shift’ if my son got up in the night and I did the mornings.

our son always got up at 6am no matter what time he went to bed and I always took that shift as once I woke up that was it 😁 we had a routine where son and I would get up first and do sons breakfast then at a set time we would go upstairs to daddy to get him up. They would have a snuggle in bed while I jumped in the shower (normally watching a cartoon on tv together).

we did the same when I was back at work too - I would get up first just because I’m a morning person. We still do similar and son us now 13 🤣 I get up first in the week to make sure he has got up for school, hubbie gets up a bit later and then does school run with him.

Getting up at 6.30 when I intend to get up at 8 would kill me, so I see your husband's pov. I can't function without a full night's sleep. But it is not fair that you have to have that torture every morning either. Could he do earlier hours in work and you move your whole routine earlier so such ungodly hours aren't as bad?

lucky My husband is a decent dad because that is how we survived the first 2 years of my sons life. He’s not a morning person either, but he’d get up abit earlier than he was getting up anyway for work to take care of our son in the morning so I could get an extra hour sleep to catch up on what I was missing during the night. I was happier and could function better in the day, and he got extra time with his son. It was a winning situation all round

Could you just each have designated days, then there’s no argument about it? That means when it’s your day off mornings you get an actual rest rather than you both being up and not happy about it. When putting ds to son you can say it’s dads turn or mums turn to get up with you etc? Also agree with the grow clock idea I saw earlier in thread.

As a SAHM, I would expect you to do bigger share of mornings, maybe 5/2 or 4/3. A weekend morning in bed would be a lifesaver though.

Did your DH also think it wasn’t fair when you were doing every morning? I’d understand if DS was up at 4am but 6:30/7 is an acceptable time to get up and spend an hour with his son before work.

Your husband shouldn’t be doing it every day and nor should you.
You both need to be adults about it and take it in turns to get up with your son,

actually arguably he should be if OP is up in the night. Unless they start sharing night wakings too

lol! Husband is getting up A LITTLE early, and now has to call in sick… soooo much judgement.

Sounds like a man cold. Kid wants daddy and you’ve been on deck for three years.

the SAHM hours should be the same as your husbands work hours, you being SAH does not get him out of all his parenting responsibilities.

IF your a nicer human than I am (three years dude) you could put kiddo down once a week and explain mommy will be getting up with them in the morning.

How about chucking him in bed with you both for morning cuddles? Then take it in turns to get up with him when he’s had enough- he may well just snuggle up with dad and go back to sleep?

And the dad is very lucky he has someone doing all the childcare ? Her labours at home empower him to go out to work. What would he be paying in childcare for his kid to be looked after the hours needed for him to work? What damage would it do to his career to take time off when the child is ill?

and the people in the back go ‘but he needs to rest cos he’s working’ . If the person working is a brain surgeon, then fair enough, otherwise, why is it that the dad needs a good night’s sleep for going to his office job, but mum, who is literally keeping a toddler alive all day doesn’t need a clear head / energy etc?

just because someone isn’t paid for what they are doing, doesn’t mean what they are doing isn’t valuable. A sahp is doing a job, they aren’t a slave. If someone works 40 hours outside of the home, the sahp works 40 hours inside the home. The rest should, quite rightly, be shared equally. This would include mornings, evenings , weekends and house work.

Wow, your husband is being very dramatic!

I also don't really understand: if you have a 9-5 job, would you not get up around 6.30- 7 am. anyway?

My husband gets up with us (6.30-6.45), and we have breakfast every morning together - even though he could sleep in as he has flexible hours.
It's not like he has to. He wants to!

It doesn't matter who works and how's staying home with the child. I think getting into a routine that works is important for the whole family. It's ok to sleep in sometimes- or take turns. But the fact that he wants to sleep in every day even though his child wants him would upset me too!

You both do work during the day. You do childcare. He does something else. I bet you clock more than 8hours a day on childcare?

unless you are able to sleep during the day you should take it in turns. Tell him you’re calling in sick for a few days from tiredness yourself.

we really need to break this cycle of men having a child and living an unchanged life whilst women are expected to get no sleep, go without etc. you are saving so much money for the family by providing free labour looking after the child, doing house work, house admin etc. don’t have this nonsense.

another vote for tell him to go to bed earlier, go to the doctor or be quiet. Your poor child. How fantastic they sleep until 6.30/7. With such a small commute your husband could be getting some stuff done in the morning so you can all have a chilled evening.

I am guessing you don't have kids?

if you are the main carer then spending time with daddy is a novelty for your son, also a nice opportunity for them to spend one on one time together, doing breakfast, reading, playing or even just snuggling up to watch bluey. Maybe working out a structure/rota/taking turns that is understandable for your son will help cut out the crying, and allows your husband to go to bed early on those nights if he’s really that worried about missing out on 1-1.5 hours of sleep.

I think the SAHP and working parent should get equal amounts of sleep, except for during the earlier days perhaps is breastfeeding is involved. You both have to be on the ball, whether for parenting or work! Your DH sounds very lazy.