Can’t keep our heads above water

[Drowninginshit]

DH and I both work. I’m more than full time. He’s part time / self employed. We live abroad so no family help. Kids are 10 and 12.

We are drowning. Can’t keep on top of the house, the food shop, the washing, the hoovering. The dust everywhere is horrendous. The kids are struggling a bit at school - partly because we’re not on top of what they need to do and they are not yet quite old enough to take full full responsibility for their school work and the numerous bloody tests/exams they have each week. We need to de-clutter. We need to eat better. I need to exercise. We have a social life that we need to nurture. Let alone a marriage and our own individual well-being.

I need a cleaner back that’s for sure - she stopped about 6 months ago and we thought we could cope without and clearly we can’t. I’ve also ordered Hello Fresh to start from this week but once the discounts run out I’m not sure it’s sustainable.

But even with that we’re drowning. Winging childcare, extra-curricular clubs, basic day to day cooking and cleaning, we are exhausted and barely keeping up.

DH more than pulls his weight as he’s around more than I am. But it’s all just so overwhelming.

This isn’t fun. It’s monotonous and thankless and boring and tiring. I feel like I’m losing my marbles on this merrygoround yet increasing my blood pressure / cortisol or whatever shouldn’t be increased.

What is it all for ffs?

Between 2 adults and 2 upper primary sage/early secondary school it should be manageable - but you need routine and teamwork. That includes the kids. If your DH is part-time, then I’d be expecting him to do most of the planning/organising/routine-setting - does he take on that side of things or is he a worker you have to manage?

How old are you - any chance perimenopause is playing a part in how overwhelmed you feel?

Are you office based or WFH?

Not to sound facetious but are you meal planning?

Cut back on the working more than full time?

At 10 and 12 they need to start taking responsibility- planning I think and clearly setting out responsibilities and a timetable may well be your friends. Plan out tasks, simple meal ideas and a weekly online shopping you have set things for and things you vary

The kids do a bit. Make their beds, clothes in the washing basket, lay the table, load/unload the dishwasher when asked, rooms are quite tidy, they put their own clothes away etc.

DH does a lot of the planning/thinking but there’s still a chunk left to me. That I regularly fail on.

I can’t reduce hours as we need my salary. I know meal planning is a Good Thing but every time I go to dit and do it I feel overwhelmed by choice / bored by the same old same old / fall down rabbit holes of recipes online then can’t be arsed with the online food shop after all that. So we tend to wing it on a day to day basis with me thinking of a meal and DH going to the shops and cooking.

I seem less and less able to find the grit to do the boring shit that needs to be done. DH is much better but he can’t do it all.

We went on holiday over Easter and I had a meltdown the night before due to feeling so overwhelmed. Proper meltdown. Thought I wasn’t going to be axle to stop crying. So potentially peri (I’m 44).

I feel like the answer is for one of us not to work so we can properly focus on home/the kids. But I can’t stop (see above) and he doesn’t want to (tried that and he was almost depressed due to feeling like the family dogsbody abd watching his career and sanity go down the toilet).

Sounds like you are totally overwhelmed to be honest.

Do you have exceptionally high standards for your home/kids/meals? Maybe cut back a bit.

Could you take a sick leave?

We have washing to sort every fucking day. I’m sure that’s normal for a family of 4 though. So why can’t we find the balance like others seem to?

Re. extra-curricular clubs

^

Not sure if these are mid-week? If they are, stop them.

My kids are the same age as yours and we only do weekends extracurricular stuff. Mid week is too busy.

Do I go to the doctors and say I can’t cope with my washing? I’m overwhelmed packing for a holiday? I’m bored of the drudge of household shit even when my husband does most of it??

Surely she’ll just pat me on the knee and say “join the club, crack on love”.

I would take sick leave but tbh I don’t know what it would achieve - the drudge will always be there… and it’ll just make me look shit at work…

We took the opposite approach and avoided weekend clubs so we have weekends free.

They only do a couple of things and love them. We really couldn’t stop them 🫤

I feel your pain. What the fuck is the point - this weather doesn’t help

A cleaner 2 hours twice a week. Get DH to work a few more hours to pay for cleaner if he doesn't want to do it himself. Could you teach elder DC to cook 1 or 2 basic meals. If they could cook twice a week it takes a lot of pressure off of you. Bolognese and hot chicken and salad wraps. They can put chicken breast in the air fryer then chop up after it's cooked and cooled a bit. Microwave wraps then fill with salad and hot chopped chicken.

Routine is what we’re lacking.

I’m constantly shattered so don’t get up as early as I should when really there is time in the morning to get a little bit ahead.

But who the fuck wants to fold clothes or write a shopping list at 6:30am? Are people really doing that? Is that the key and I’m just being a brat for wanting more for my free time? Ugh.

Do I go to the doctors and say I can’t cope with my washing? I’m overwhelmed packing for a holiday? I’m bored of the drudge of household shit even when my husband does most of it??

^

If you show this thread she'll probably give you a month off sick!

It is drudge, and it is hard.

You are not having it all as we were led to believe, you're doing it all.

Full-time job, and a housewife to boot.

At 10 and 12 we cut extra curricular to 2 each max per child. We spend 30 min per day, everyday doing house work, we don’t cook from scratch per se but lots of meat/fish with veg/salad, batch cook some vats of spag bol and curry over weekends.

DH and I both work full time, never had family help.

But, we dropped standards.. small chunks means you don’t get the lovely feeling of whole house is done, but aiming for that feeling is overwhelming….so we decided not to aim that high.

One social event max at the weekend so as not to tire everyone out.

1-2 loads of washing a day… everyday

It’s boring but manageable

The meal planning I very much relate to. Can your DH do that instead? What task would you hate less?

Washing. I only do it in person-specific loads now. No sorting required as you just give the whole basket back to them.

Do you think?

I’m likely to cry if I go and that feels - yep you guessed it - overwhelming.

oh and find friends who like walking- my closest friends and I have a walk 5-10km every sunday, we put the world to rights, exercise and socialise- ticks all the boxes, worth a try?

In all seriousness - what would a doctor do for “overwhelm”? Anti depressants? HRT? i don’t need anything to kill my already dead in the water libido or ever expanding waistline… who the fuck has time for sex and or exercise???

I don’t have any answers OP.

Just validation. This sh*t is hard. I’m on maternity leave and I have no idea how we are going to manage general life when I am back at work and we are both out of the house. And our kids are too young for extra curricular activities so we don’t even have that headache yet! You sound similar to me - someone who needs downtime, decompression and brain space. It’s really hard to carve that out when you are only just keeping the plates spinning. My single bit of practical advice is meal planning has been a revelation to us both in terms of finances and time. It doesn’t matter is meals are relatively boring and repeated a lot. The more stress I can reduce the better. Shop once a week, cook a few times a week.

If finances once stretched to a cleaner could they stretch a bit further again to a housekeeper type role a couple of times a week?

1-2 loads of washing a day is crazy for 4, stop washing so much.

OP you need a reset. You need time to start your new routines. Take a break if you can and start small. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Meal planning is fine to be boring. If DH is PT he can do it. It saves so much time and money in the long run.

Cancel everything for a weekend and come up with a sustainable plan going forward. Timetable it like a job.

Our kids are a little younger but I am a similar age and we have had times this year where it has felt all too much, especially as we have gone through periods of one of our twins being immune-compromised and really ill and vulnerable. We have a very limited amount of family help.

The only thing I have found that works for me has been to slowly become absolutely completely ruthless. Over a couple of months I got rid of 60% of everything that wasn't furniture or strictly practical, from clothes to media packages to toys and after school stuff like gymnastics. It didn't matter how much something was liked or whether we had got our moneys worth, we just stripped it all back.

We took a similar approach to meal planning. I give the kids pasta more days a week now and don't worry about but it is fresh egg pasta and I have found a range of toppings they will accept and that include a decent amount of veg and protein.

It feels more manageable because we have got rid of as many decisions in the day as we reasonably can. The kids particularly seem more relaxed, and although I generally find it super annoying when people say 'don't try to be perfect' and you are worried about feeling even basically competent, there is something about appreciating the importance of it being as manageable as it can be that makes a difference.

I’d popped back to mention decision fatigue but I see someone has beat me to it. I find too many decisions more overwhelming than the actual subsequent work. DH might be very practically useful but is he engaging brain about family/home/finances as much as you are?

Make a list, like above but prioritise what’s going the worst for you iykwim.

Go through all the threads here that look like people are sinking etc as there’s wonderful advice.

Think of eg are they clean and warm, are their clothes ready for them (that would be my starting point as when I went back to work dh would give out to them for not being dressed but they couldn’t find their clothes which were on clothes horses, radiators, baskets (solution use dryer more, prioritise and people help folding and putting away so is ready).

make notes of where you think nutrition is failing eg you can throw in a yogurt, some cheese and crackers, make them drink milk more, they have to eat x amounts of fruit and a good cereal, am a crap cook so can’t help with meal planning but if you have the snacks stuff good you’re on the way.

Cleaning wise list whatever is irritating you the most and work your way down it.

Everyone has to be involved x

@Drowninginshit this is exactly what I do, up
at 5am, coffee in silence, workout, put washing on the airer and potter until 6:30am when I get showered and ready before the rest of the house gets ups.

Online food shop delivered every Sunday morning, we eat the same 15 meals on rotation unless I see a recipe we like then add that in.

Cleaner once a week, a wash put on before bed then taken out in the morning, folded and put away that night.