Can’t keep our heads above water

[Drowninginshit]

DH and I both work. I’m more than full time. He’s part time / self employed. We live abroad so no family help. Kids are 10 and 12.

We are drowning. Can’t keep on top of the house, the food shop, the washing, the hoovering. The dust everywhere is horrendous. The kids are struggling a bit at school - partly because we’re not on top of what they need to do and they are not yet quite old enough to take full full responsibility for their school work and the numerous bloody tests/exams they have each week. We need to de-clutter. We need to eat better. I need to exercise. We have a social life that we need to nurture. Let alone a marriage and our own individual well-being.

I need a cleaner back that’s for sure - she stopped about 6 months ago and we thought we could cope without and clearly we can’t. I’ve also ordered Hello Fresh to start from this week but once the discounts run out I’m not sure it’s sustainable.

But even with that we’re drowning. Winging childcare, extra-curricular clubs, basic day to day cooking and cleaning, we are exhausted and barely keeping up.

DH more than pulls his weight as he’s around more than I am. But it’s all just so overwhelming.

This isn’t fun. It’s monotonous and thankless and boring and tiring. I feel like I’m losing my marbles on this merrygoround yet increasing my blood pressure / cortisol or whatever shouldn’t be increased.

What is it all for ffs?

Hi OP,

Have you considered buying lots of housework robots? They get a lot of the housework done and are more fun to operate than just doing drudgework.

I thought about getting a cleaner, but in the end it was cheaper to max out on robots. This is what we bought:

2 iRobot Roomba vaccum cleaners, one for upstairs, and one for downstairs.

Oven with pyrolytic cleaning function.

Rice cooker

Bread maker

tumble dryer + put the dry washing on the floor of the main sitting room, then fold which watching telly or whatever.

Put the kids' food on separate shelves in fridge and cupboard so they can safely scavenge like wild animals (sorry).

I'm not sure what else, but that was what I found worked.

FWIW though, I'm a housewife, and still run ragged trying to keep up. The thing about getting lonely and depressed is very true. It's hard to be at home all the time without getting a bit boxed in. But I couldn't do a job and all the house stuff. I'd fall over completely within the week.

A doctor could sign you off work for a week or two, and you can then use the mental space for getting some boring-ass routines in place and decluttering.

Laundry - one mixed wash load per person per day, they fold and put away.

Meal plan - rotating 21-day plan (3 week’s worth of meals) with shopping list for each week. Do not deviate from list.

Calendar - who needs to be where when, regularly. Every Sunday team meeting (DH, both DC) to put new stuff on calendar.

Your aim is to ‘plan once’.

The doc can give you time, and then you can also talk about perimenopause in a follow up appointment.

It’s. Fucking. Hard.

I reached breaking point this time last year and was the same. The monotony was killing me. I beat myself up over everything - and I mean everything!

For me what worked was a total reset. I started a new job (maybe you could just draw a line in the sand) and focused on making all the changes. Some stuff that helped:

1. A cleaner 😂 Just do it, if you possibly can, for your sanity!

2. Meal rotation. We have 4 meals that both me and DS eat, every week, Mon-Thurs. Easy, healthy-ish, that I know we won’t balk at. It’s boring AF, but the drop in mental load was worth it, not just for cooking but knowing what to buy, how much we’ll eat etc. Friday night we do a takeaway, Saturday we’re normally out, Sunday we’ll either try a new recipe together, or we’ll order food! Expensive but again, my sanity is worth it.

3. Find your workout routine and stick with it. Again, boring. But you’ll do it if you form a habit. I go for a walk on my lunch break, which doubles as good headspace and time to zone out. I burn very few calories but I feel SO much better for it and I don’t have to concentrate at all.

4. Sounds like more work, but find a reason to LIVE again. Something small you can do to nurture a bit of you. I think I spent 4 years in a miserable daze glossing over life - now I do that lots of the time but have one night a week I get together and bitch with girlfriends over cards. Worth it a thousand times over.

**Editing to add ~ I felt so alone when I was struggling, so please don’t! You’ve got this, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel - even if it’s just a few pinpoints of light from time to time, it does get better 💐

You both need to just work full-time. You can't work extra and still have to do the grunt work at home if your partner is only part-time. Dh may be 'pulling his weight' in your eyes but he can't be. Is he coming up with solutions or leaving it for you to solve? If you're coming home exhausted no way can you pick up on jobs around the house. Dh should be the one keeping the mess down and getting the dc involved. It sounds like the organisation is all on your shoulders.

I agree with getting signed off for a week. Even if you just slept for the first day it would help. Actually I wonder if your sleep is being affected by peri menopause?

Honestly this stage is a drudge and the only way to get through it is routine, organisation, and having something to look forward to.

So get a cleaner.

Declutter your house as much as possible and try to make it so everything - even crap - has a place. Miscellaneous crap can go in a basket under the coffee table for example.

Figure out 5 different recipes that work and one or both of you spend one day making 20 dinners for the freezer. Do this once a month. When we were down in the trenches of two jobs/3 kids I would make 3-4 lots of bolognaise, chicken curry, chicken casserole, tomato sauce, beef casserole every 4th sunday and freeze it.

There is nothing wrong with a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad for dinner with some bread and butter.

Have a takeaway on friday night and do nothing else - just relax.

buy decent coffee so when you wake up in the morning you have a good cup of coffee (or whatever) to look forward to.

Put a huge planner on the wall of your kitchen and put every single thing you need to remember on it - school events, big homeworks, social stuff etc. We had a four month one that took up the whole of the wall - friends still talk about it.

Before you go to bed the two of you should clean up the kitchen/living room, sweep the floor, set the table for breakfast, have the kids put out their clothes and have them put their bags and kit etc by the front door. That really shouldn't take more than 10 minutes from both of you.

At one stage I would make sandwiches on a sunday and freeze them for lunches - no, probably not the best lunch my kids ever had but it made life easier when it was really busy.

use the tumble drier and fold straight from it. Don't bother ironing. If you need to iron things for work, can you send them out? Dh hasn't ironed a shirt since we first had money to spare.

It does get easier.

I agree find 10-15 meals and eat on rotation. Make sure have store cupboard bits in.

yes routine is needed - and work out a quick clean routine and a more in depth one

how many hours do you work/DH work and admin split

You're just in a rough spot. Get a cleaner. Simplify the routine. Start throwing things away. Stop buying stuff you don't need. I'm 43 and we have just come out of a similar thing. It was awful. It's a thing I suspect at this age/stage of parenting.

I would definitely go to the GP and get you thyroid a x iron levels checked a card if you're in the Peri-menopause.

None of those will be the answer but it's worth having them checked

Are you washing everything after one wear? Unless your family are very sweaty this is not necessary?

Towels 2/3 uses

Would taking all dirty clothes to laundry this week and getting them back clean dry & folded help?

Cook once eat twice eg Bolognese make double and use other half for lasagne or chilli or taco fries or cottage pie?

It's ok to have Maggi type meals now and again bung everything into bag & cook and throw on some microwave rice

Slow cooker is great for roast/ cook a ham in it which can be used for carbonara/omelettes/sandwiches etc

When I worked part time with 2 kids. (Dh worked full time)
It was very doable.
I did Not do mid week activities though.
I worked half days- so had 2 -3 hours 5 days a week , to hover , dust, clean toilet and cook tea.
Clutter free makes things easier and put away rather than put down.
The kids helped too, fold and put laundry away.

Could you be drinking too much op?

Amazon subscribe & save is great too

I find if you get a routine with exercise other parts of your life start to fall into place too.

Where did this come from?

Seems like a lot of washing. Do the kids wear school uniform? Buy enough so you don’t have to wash midweek. This has made my life so much easier!

Hi, I just wanted to stop and say I feel exactly the same as you.

2 adults and a 3 year old. The house is constantly overwhelmed with laundry and we have zero storage. I can't muster the energy or motivation to fold all the clean clothes so they just get shoved in the corner.

Meal planning is hit and miss, it's great when I'm in the mood for it and life runs so much easier but then I'll lose motivation and it goes out the window, we are back to popping to the shop once a day and buying convenience food.

The laughable thing is I don't work on Mondays so theoretically could get all sorts done but I'm run ragged by my son and don't think it's fair for him if we sit in so I can do admin and cleaning.

Weekends are a right off as we are renovating our house. Partner will spend all day doing much needed DIY so I'm in charge of the household and it ends up being a right off as I feel guilty plonking my little boy in front of the tv so I can get shit done.

I need a whole house reset to get back on top of things and I just don't know how / when!

Evenings also difficult as one of us has to sit with our son until he's fallen asleep (we've tried all sorts)

I'd love to know how other people seem to keep on top of things and not lose their minds.

The only way we keep afloat is by shipping our little one off for a sleepover at his grandparents every now and then which I hate doing.

Feel like we sacrifice so much quality family time and the moment.

I've no answers I'm afraid but I just wanted to let you know you're not on your own.

The price of ready made meals has skyrocketed through the roof, don't blame yourself blame the Ukrainian peasants for wanting to fight the rich ugly Russians that own every piece of their land.

Overwhelm might well be peri.

Worth speaking to the GP as I had massive overwhelm and anxiety. HRT did help.

I also massively stripped back what I was doing.

Yes I do do laundry etc at 6:30. I don't like it much but I have a morning routine when I get up which is put laundry on have breakfast clear airer while running bath etc etc.

You say you're salaried so can you talk to your boss and stick to the hours you're paid to do instead of going over? Or do you get overtime?

I think this maybe the crux of the matter.
We were as a couple the opposite way round.
So I was part time.
And thinking about it my full time person - dh worked 5, 6 days.
The part time person- 5 half days did the rest .......
So I agree you should be coming home to a clean , tidy house, tea on the table and laundry folded and back in the closets.
Maybe get dh enrolled in some home making classes.
But you op need to drop the reins and tell dh to get his act together.

I feel for you. You need some time 'off'. Like others I'd recommend taking a week off sick to reset. 2/3 days in bed, 2 days of decluttering so you can see the wood for the trees.
Get the cleaner in for a full house reset and try to see if that helps.

Thank you all.

DH does waaaay more than I do in terms of housework. He’s much more “on it” than I am and seems to be able to grin and bear the boringness or it all. We joke that I make the mess and he tidies it…. This is partly why I feel so ridiculous at being overwhelmed - he does most of the washing. I am not a good “finisher” so totally guilty of putting the washing on then forgetting. Whereas he does the whole shebang. And there’s me feeling overwhelmed just looking at the overflowing washing basket.

The kids don’t have uniforms which is ball-ache. We go through so many clothes and shoes.

DH does all the cooking in the week and we share / cook together on weekends. He’s really very mindful that I am beholden to work and need to make it work in order for us to survive. So he does keep us together at home.

We rarely drink (and only socially, never at home just the two of us)…. In case it matters. I joked to a friend recently that maybe we need to drink more. Maybe it would lighten us up, make us more fun. Yeah right…

Kitchen / lounge are cleaned and reset every night.

My boss is a full on narcissist so no sympathy/empathy there…

Tbh I think it’s me. Possibly slightly adhd (without the ‘h’ though). Probably spend too much time on my phone (perfect escapism from my dear pal Mr Overwhelm).

My sleep isn’t great. The last long haul trip I took, I barely noticed the jet lag as I’m pretty pooped as standard.

DH and I have been chatting tonight. He’s going to slow down taking work on. I am going to find some time to go to the doctors. We have also written a realistic declutter list that we’re going to aim to do by Sunday (gotta love a SMART objective!). Eg. We have 16, I shit you not, pairs of snow boots in our basement. DH is a great tidier but more of the “shove it in a cupboard out of sight out of mind” school of thought rather than a “let’s have a sort out” camp. I’m deffo the latter but don’t have time.

Love the idea of a 21 day meal plan. I’d usually only do 5-7 dinners then wince at the thought of doing it all over again. I’m supposed to be doing 16:8 just to throw that in the mix. But will see if a bigger meal plan will work. Hello Fresh starts soon. I’ve gone for 5 meals a week!!!

I just keep thinking that there’s too much going on to take time off! My boss would be an arse about it which would make going back difficult. I’d let me team down and the control freak in me just wouldn’t be able to relax…….

I'm in the same boat. Trying to stay on top of everything is relentless. One thing I've recently started after I decided to 'quiet quit' some of the housework is that each family member (inc DH) has a box that I chuck the crap we leave around the house into. This tidies it into one place with minimal effort - they then have to sort the contents themselves.

That and we eat spaghetti bol and chilli at least once a week - which I batch cook fortnightly. Boring but very quick, freezable, cheap and nutritious.

Do you live near a body of water? Open water swimming/ dipping saves me when I feel like you do.
It is exhilarating, even if you only get in and out in 30 seconds you've 'done something' with your day. You feel instantly energised and enthralled. How often do you feel enthralled?? Not enough I reckon.
It's good for low mood and overwhelm
It's good for peri menopausal women (hello)
Unlike proper exercise, you can do it in literally minutes and get all the benefits

Honestly, fuck meal plans and laundry systems, you need something to make your head feel better

Well frankly let him be an arse. Let the team down.

Because your alternative is letting yourself and your family down.

You need a break. You need to see the Gp if sleep is really bad start taking magnesium anyway because you cannot survivor with bad sleep. I was there last year and ended up in hospital having ecg's for heart rate issues when it was 'just' exhaustion.

You'll come back stronger. Do it for yourself, no-one else can do it for you.