Can’t keep our heads above water

[Drowninginshit]

DH and I both work. I’m more than full time. He’s part time / self employed. We live abroad so no family help. Kids are 10 and 12.

We are drowning. Can’t keep on top of the house, the food shop, the washing, the hoovering. The dust everywhere is horrendous. The kids are struggling a bit at school - partly because we’re not on top of what they need to do and they are not yet quite old enough to take full full responsibility for their school work and the numerous bloody tests/exams they have each week. We need to de-clutter. We need to eat better. I need to exercise. We have a social life that we need to nurture. Let alone a marriage and our own individual well-being.

I need a cleaner back that’s for sure - she stopped about 6 months ago and we thought we could cope without and clearly we can’t. I’ve also ordered Hello Fresh to start from this week but once the discounts run out I’m not sure it’s sustainable.

But even with that we’re drowning. Winging childcare, extra-curricular clubs, basic day to day cooking and cleaning, we are exhausted and barely keeping up.

DH more than pulls his weight as he’s around more than I am. But it’s all just so overwhelming.

This isn’t fun. It’s monotonous and thankless and boring and tiring. I feel like I’m losing my marbles on this merrygoround yet increasing my blood pressure / cortisol or whatever shouldn’t be increased.

What is it all for ffs?

Sounds full on but honestly 5 HelloFresh meals a week may well add to the overwhelm. I’ve done that before and then some nights I just CBA cooking so the ingredients loiter in the fridge and then the next load arrives and there is so much to cook (and then I CBA cooking….). So maybe reduce to 3 or 4 which may be more manageable.

edited to say I’m a 45yo mum of three (5,3 and 2) and I work full time so I get it!! The overwhelm is real.

You are likely in burnout if you suspect you have ADD.

Your priority is you right now. Not work. Work will carry on regardless, you have a limit.

I am currently off sick with ADHD burnout and there is no staff, but I'm putting me first for my kids sake.

I have a cleaner. Life saver. Do it.

Also, lower your expectations/standards for yourself.
Sometimes, a jacket potato with beans and cheese is fine for dinner, add a salad if you need. Some dust is fine.

I understand people saying get kids involved. I have sen kids so it's not that simple. So I get that side. They don't have a uniform for school? Make them one, a selection of clothes specifically for school, that will make it easier all round. Make them responsible for their homework etc, they take the punishment if it's not done. They'll soon learn.

But it sounds like work is the main issue here. Take some time off. Remember, to them you are replaceable. You leave they will advertise your job asap. Don't run yourself into the ground for them.

Find some joy. Paint, write, draw. Walk, spend tim with friends laughing. Go to the ballet, or theatre, cinema, music. Whatever you enjoy. Those little pockets of extra joy make all the difference.

I hope you find some respite soon OP. It is absolutely relentless as a parent. And monotonous.

I can't see where the suggestion of ADHD was mentioned but if you think you have it, I'd really recommend talking to your GP. Lots of things you've said could well be caused by ADHD. If you haven't suspected before, then I'd recommend reading up on it. I struggled with similar things to you for years, it's only in my late 40s that I realised what it could be.

I also have two kids, no family help and recent diagnosis of ADHD.

what helps

• cleaner for 3 hrs every week. She does loads.
• i got a decluttering service in. Over 4 days they transformed my house. More life changing than most holidays… look locally on instagram
• some weekend paid for childcare so we can have downtime. Once a month we have a babysitter for a half day on a weekend and we just get stuff done/catch up/go to yoga.
• protein shakes remove a lot of decision making around breakfast and sometimes lunch
• meal plan on a 3 week rotation

i wouldn’t say we have it nailed but we are not drowning!

Just get on with sorting yourselves out. Spend a weekend declutterring. Two adults and two primary age children and you can’t manage? Kitchens need to be cleaned, clothes need to be washed, food needs to be cooked. What do you think everyone else does? Yes, it’s boring so your choice is don’t do it and have a messy house and wash your clothes less. Or get on with it like everyone else does. First world problem.

This is me!! I also cold shower (it really works for your mood).

It’ll pass , in fact you’ve done the hardest years imo.
just keep on keeping on and yes when I was in your position I was getting up and putting washing machine on at 5 am to finish at 6 am to hang up before I left for work at 6.30am
but it was only for a few years and I don’t need to do that now

It's interesting you mentioned possible neurodiversity in your more recent post as I was getting the sense of that from your first post. It's worth following that up. I was raised by someone like this and am similar myself, as is my partner. Having clarity about what's going on, if that is something which is 'in the mix' for you would really help I think.

Ah just reread your part post and seen the mention of possible ADHD.

Have a think of some examples from how you think it might of affected you as a child, you can probably think of many ways it affects you as an adult and please seek an assessment.

And Tristar if the OP does have ADHD that's possibly the most undermining and unhelpful post I've read in a long time.

So I am going to dish out some gentle tough love.
Yes you need routine and routine is boring. And routine gets easier with practice.
I work full time. DH works more than full time. He’s a great dad/equal partner.
We meal plan. Yes it’s dull but my future self thanks me. We do laundry every single day.
We have a set routine. Who wakes up and does what. I tidy the house while the kids eat dinner. I fold the laundry. The kids put them away. And yes we have a cleaner once a week. We have set days to do shopping.
After dinner DH and I sit down for a quick catch up and any life admin. Clothes are out the night before. School bags set up.

We are both up by 6:30. I do some quick exercise while DH makes breakfast. Then I take over and he gets them ready.
Yes it’s monotonous but when you do it every single day then you get better and faster at it. That’s the key. PRACTICE.

Once you get faster you then start to have free time. It feels a bit like you know what to do: meal plan, not let jobs pile up, but you find it dull and avoid it and then the cycle continues.

It’s a bit like exercise (I hate it). Once you do it regularly you feel better and it gets easier. But you have to get into that routine.

Wouldn't it make sense that dh increases his work and you reduce yours?
The balance you have at the moment is not working for your family.
See what you can do change it for your own mental well-being.

The 2 things that seem to always take up the most head space and time is food and laundry.

Sort out the meal planning. Just make a list of your family favourite meals, shop for them and just allocate the days of making them. Stick to that until you have time to browse recipes and go down your rabbit holes.

Laundry is done daily and put away daily.

Help your dc with homework daily.

Get kids to help out with cleaning living room daily before dinner and get the kitchen clean every night after dinner.

I empathise. It’s me and my little one, no help. The house is way too cluttered and clothes and toys everywhere. Diet is crazy. It’s all too too much. I’m sure it’s peri related for me (as well as lifelong undiagnosed AdHD I suspect, but that’s too big of a contentious can for me to address just now). So following with interest… I’m trying AD at the moment. Some slight improvement

And start small and manageable. This won’t be sorted in a weekend or even a fortnight. Keep at it.
I have a kid with ADHD and I know how hard it can be. You have to break down each task and say for five minutes I will do X. And then when that’s done the next 5. Till it becomes muscle memory to run your household like this.

Yes, the hardest years are almost behind you. I'd re-employ the cleaner if you can find a way to afford it (extra hours for dh maybe) and getting in to the habit of doing an online shop with delivery. The children/dh should be able to help with laundry. Load every other day or each day. Put on when you wake up.

Thank you all again.

Where we live (abroad) there isn’t much support for adult ADHD…. or menopause….

I will go and see my doctor soon though but I’m worried about just falling apart…. They are quick to diagnose burnout and time off here… which I do think I need, but need to plan it I think as my boss is very unforgiving and I really need to stay strong at work. No time for burnout and paranoid it will destroy my reputation. I know they’d all cope without me but I’m terrified that it would be a kiss of death for me.

The overwhelm paralysis is real.

The “hard” years were when DH was a SAHD plus probably some of Covid so life was easier and simpler then. He took care of everything at home. But was lonely and missing work.

My earning power is 8-10x his so me dropping even down to 80% is very difficult for him to bridge the difference financially. And there’s no way my workload would really go down by 20%.

With the ADHD thing. I totally get the pp who said that it’s a lot to think about. And I’m not convinced there’s really much you can do. Meds seem to be so short term (eg you’re covered for part of the day) and the side effects are shit.

Maybe anti-depressants could help. I’ve never tried them.

You sound like me a few years ago, complete with the narc boss. A few things that helped:

• I took a week off for burnout and that ended up being a month. I couldn’t actually do anything but sitting in the sofa for a month was necessary
• new job eventually with nice boss
• ruthless decluttering. Loads of to shows on Netflix on this. Every half term the kids have to keep declutter their bedrooms/old clothes and toys
• we eat batch cooked meals from the freezer, or simple things like baked potato or pasta and salad most work nights.
• HRT, loads of it

hope you feel better soon OP

Sometimes you need to think of your well-being. Going to the drs will be a temporary fix and as you said, could have side effects if you take meds.
You need to look at the root of your problem which is your hrs.
Your dh needs to step up his work or find another job so you're not this unwell.

I’ll meal plan for you 😁

pizza
pasta and sauce
curry and rice
Baked salmon and couscous
roast chicken + sides you like
steak and chips
takeway/ eat out

All of those things are easy to make or buy. You mix it up by buying a different pizza or pasta sauce or ready made curry 😁 If you can buy online then it will remember what you ordered last time so you just pick from what you already ordered. I spend an hour meal planning and shopping online but I follow a programme with recipes so it takes longer. The above would take about 15 mins and your dh should do it.

Your family just need to do a load of washing and dry it and put it away everyday. And two a day at the weekends. I hate it but I don’t see how you get round it. If you’re working long hours though you shouldn’t be thinking about this.

Unless having a clear basement is integral to using your home, clearing snowboots out of it is more distraction tbh. Focus on the things your family needs - a meal plan, a laundry routine, a kids activity drop off/pick up plan and then spend the rest of the weekend resting. Your dh should end up with a to do list from that not you 😊

If your earning power is that much more than his then ( 10x) you must be earning hundreds of thousands a year unless he literally earns nothing. Buy more help!
A housekeeper if need be.

Or he steps up - with that level of earning different its nuts that you are in this situation. Given what you have said how the kids help the biggest issue seems to be laundry and frankly, that is not a hard job. And meal planning, plus cooking. whoever cooks doesn't clean up.

And again, with your earning - just do a Hello Fresh for now.

There's two things here: one is your health, whether that's burnout or ADHD or depression, I'm not qualified to tell you but doctors are. Get some support before things get way too bad. If your boss is a dickhead, that's on them, you need to put yourself first, your team will cope. At the end of the day, there are other jobs. I'm fairly sure hardly anyone lies on their deathbed going "I wish I'd worked more hours" or "I wish I'd kept working through that mental breakdown I had in 2024"

Secondly is your routine and schedule - if you build a good routine you'll build yourself some space. Your kids are getting older and getting more independent, you've got space to fit in more self care. I get up early and get on with jobs once I'm showered and dressed because that gives me time in my day. Meals are fairly simple - we have similar things every week so I buy similar ingredients every week. Saturday night we make something a bit different or get a takeaway. You've got all weekend free so use it, get out to an exercise class first thing or do park run, meet a friend for coffee afterwards. Get two cupboards empty. Take stuff to the tip or the charity shop. All these things are achievable.

Yes our incomes are really that different. We live abroad in a country where cost of living is very high so we’re actually pretty average. In £ it sounds ridiculous but locally it’s pretty normal.

DH’s earning is limited because he’s the one mainly sorting the kids and house. Anyway, money isn’t the issue for this thread but either way we’re not rolling in it so can’t pay for that much additional help.

The decluttering is needed as “stuff” just existing everywhere really stresses us both out, adds to the overwhelm and just sits there as something on the To Do List. We’d like to move house but need to have a clear out first so it’ll have to be done at some point.

Simplify your meal planning. My mother only did seven meals. We knew the day of the week by the food. Perhaps make a list of 14 recipes and cycle through them. Don’t have to be complicated - pizza, spaghetti bolognese, macaroni cheese, jacket potatoes, toad in the hole, cottage pie, roast chicken, chops, sausage and mash, fish pie. There you go.

Get a cleaner. put one day aside and declutter the whole house, then maybe pay extra for a massive deep clean. Write a list of all meals you like and are quick, so you can just pick a few each week. Assigned chores for kids. Do a lot less laundry, only what genuinely needs washing. Cut back on extra curricular stuff, ours only do 1-2 a week. Two parents working full time with your age kids is very common.

Lots of people manage to be the primary carer and manage the house admin (particularly with two kids that age) without claiming it as a reason for being a low earner. Its not about being a low earner but you can't have both. Either he earns more or he takes on the house/kids. Suck it up like many have before him