Am I wrong for wanting my DH to get a better job to help support me and DD?

[Lovebelle]

It's a long one so apologies in advance...

I own (mortgaged) my home where me and my boyfriend live which I bought it before we met (6 years ago) and before the arrival of our DD (15 months ago).
When we met my boyfriend moved in and it was agreed he would pay minimal rent so if we were to sell and buy somewhere together the profits of where we are currently would be solely mine.
I am the main income and earn considerably more than my boyfriend.
Following the birth of DD I return to work after a year off on maternity leave, Since being on Maternity Leave my boyfriend helped out more with some bills but many months I found myself going into my savings to be able to afford to live.
I have returned to work 4 days a week and contractually dropped 1 day which has meant quite a pay decrease in my salary.
We have DD in nursery 2X days a week, grandparents 2X days a week and then she is with me 1X day a week. So we’re VERY lucky in the fact that we don’t have to pay 5 days of nursery fees.
I buy and have bought everything for DD, Car seats, Carrier, Push chair, clothes, bed, monitors, First Birthday party etc etc
My boyfriend also doesn’t drive and so I do every Nursery/Grand Parents drop off & Pick up. His working hours also means that even if he could drive he wouldn’t be able to help with drop offs.
I’m very much the default parent in the relationship as well as the provider.
I am due to re-mortgage in August and due to the increase of mortgage rates currently I’m looking at paying £500 more PCM and with the cost of nursery it now means that my earnings working 4 days a week will be less than my outgoings.
Our current outgoings are £2000 PCM and on a good month my boyfriend will give me £800 (doesn’t always happen) and from August will be going up to around £2500.

Am I wrong for wanting my boyfriend to get a better job? Something that pays higher (there’s no progression at his current work), hours that can help me out with drop offs/pick ups, his job is very much a ‘young mans’ job and very active which he cannot do forever (scaffolder), paid sick leave and a job that contributes to his pension. (He is 33 and not paid anything into a pension) so that things are a bit more even.
He is also self employed so if ever DD has a day off unwell or a doctors appointment/health check, I will be the one to look after her or take the time off work. Meaning I’m more at risk of being a burden at work with my parental responsibilities and with redundancies looming at work, I’m worried that if I get made redundant we will not be able to afford to live.

I would like for him to contribute more money per month but he doesn’t get paid well, and isn’t very good with money. His payments to me each month are hit and miss and being self employed means that if he has a week of not working he can’t pay me. I want him to realise that he wouldn’t have this option if he was renting off a landlord - that there’s no option to skip a week or months payment. I did think about setting up a joint account, for all of our outgoings, that he transfers his money into but his credit rating isn’t great and I don’t want this to impact me. Is there another option?

To make matters worse, he’s had to have 2 months off work this year due to a knee operation and is due a second operation soon that will require him to have a further 3 months of work. As he is self-employed with no insurance he has had no income whilst he has being off so has not paid me anything and will not be able to help for the 3 months he has off soon. We have of course managed because it’s something that cannot be controlled and his health is important but I can’t help but feel resentful that if he was in a different job that had sick pay or a less physical job that he could go back to sooner post operation then things would be so much easier.

Am I asking too much for him to change careers? He’s not motivated to do better, he’s not the type to have an office job, he finds admin tasks impossible (he would never update his CV or actually apply for jobs) and I don’t know what it would take to actually push him to change jobs. I think he would actually stay where he is forever if I don’t push him in another direction. Him not being independent and doing things for himself infuriates me. Do I just bite the bullet and mother him into finding a new job but I don think he’ll do it unless I give him an ultimatum which will cause resentment because he’s not actually doing it for himself (not that he ever would).

I have been thinking do I go back to work 5 days a week and miss that day with DD which I LOVE and cherish, or do I try and adjust my hours (8am to 5pm) try and do 5 days in 4 by working an added 2 hours each day? Meaning I would be working long hours and have to find alternative arrangements for pick up or drop offs. But I feel like this will make me resent him because I’m having to sacrifice time with my daughter and what I want to do for him to be able to stay at his job with no progression, rubbish pay and not great working hours.

But the bottom line is the current situation is not working or making me happy and so something needs to change.

I find it REALLY difficult to talk about finances with him because I find myself getting angry at how unfair I find things. He doesn’t know exactly how much money I have/earn and I do have some savings but they aren’t there to be used for bills and I don’t think that partners should know exactly how much money each other have. I’m unsure exactly how much he earns but I know it’s a lot less that me. When I do try and discuss my concerns about money I get the same response ‘everything will be fine’. Which it usually is, but only because I dip into my savings to get by. Am I wrong for being mad that he doesn’t feel the financial burden? He’s always had it sweet with not having to pay much, being able to pay when it’s convenient for him and not having the title of provider or default parent. But on the other hand I do want him to be able to save so that he has money to do things with too.* *

I currently don’t feel like there is balance but don’t know if I’m being unfair and what others would do or say in this situation.

Thanks in advance for any feedback or help.

He's been coasting for years, hasn't he? I wouldn't respect a partner who didn't actually pull his weight in any meaningful way. And once respect is lost, resentment creeps in, and that's just the death of a relationship. If he can't or won't step up, figure out how much better off you'd be financially if you were single. At least you'll know your options then.

Are you married?? I hope not.

I can't see him changing. He hasn't even bothered to learn to drive which unusual for a tradeperson as I assume he started work at a young age so could have paid for lessons whilst living at home..when he is off does he take over childcare duties?

In sumarry, you have a manchild, someone who hasn't learned to be independent and probably looked for a successful woman who would take care of him. He is lucky he found you.

The only allowance would be if he has learning difficulties..however it does still mean you have to take care of him.

This sounds like a complicated situation.

His ill health isn't something he or you can really do anything about so I would set that to one side.

So the immediate problem is that your mortgage is going up and you are in the depths of the nursery years so you don't have much slack,

So there are a number of options:

1 explore re mortgaging options. You are in a very expensive time of life. Can you change provider or product? You may also be able to extend your mortgage term which would mean the financial hit is not as bad. Then when you are not in the expensive childcare years you can overpay/reduce term again

2 do you actually think he is capable of getting a better paid job? From your description he can't drive, isn't good with money and hasn't really got any admin skills. What would you see him doing?

3 do you have any family that might be prepared to help out with childcare at all?

4 can you get a better paid job? From what you have written it doesn't sound like he is capable of getting a much better paid job. But maybe you are?

5 could he be a sahd if the nursery fees are more than his salary?

You really need to have that difficult conversation about joint finances. Get some legal advice on how best to navigate the house situation.
The job is less of an issue what you need is consistent financial support. He needs to have a pot of savings to dip into if his self employed funds don't cover his share for the family outgoings for that month not you.

Ahead of the conversation you need a breakdown of all of the family costs with and without the mortgage. At minimum he needs to be giving a decent contribution to the costs without the mortgage and to allow both parties to attend least break even at the end of the month.

Wow. He sounds like a deadweight. What a nightmare

Change to an interest only mortgage and lose him, quick.

I haven't read everything but am wondering if you are accessing free hours at nursery? I'm returning from Mat leave in a couple of months and will be eligible for 15hrs free childcare from
September. This is definitely worth looking into as it'd reduce your costs quite significantly since you only pay for two days.

Ah this is a tough situation op! Sounds like he doesn't bring much to the relationship all round tbh.

How can he be a self employed scaffolder and not drive, does he not need a van and to drive to various sites?

Totally sympathise on having a partner who doesnt drive. I have to drive absolutely everywhere even if I'm feeling shite etc, have to take our daughter to all appointments, means we're tethered to an area with a nursery in walking distance etc.

Do you have any ideas of what jobs you could suggest he does? Could he try and get some kind of work from home job for a few months while he can't work on a job site?

Short answer?

He's a total freeloader.

Bear this is mind: he is OK for you to take the entire financial and mental burden. Of everything. He allows you to do that. He doesn't feel the need or want to contribute more and make things easier for you. He sees you struggling, and does nothing to help.

That's the bottom line.

3 do you have any family that might be prepared to help out with childcare at all?

^

The original post states that they have ample childcare.

Perhaps the lazy ass boyfriend could step up and do a bit??

He's dead wood, OP.

I'd ask him to move out and figure out your life as a single mum

I was in a set up like this for about 20 years, until recently.

over the years, I kept improving myself and my earnings, he kept still. In the end, his contributions went from 30% to closer to 10%.

It will burn you out, make you feel lonely, affect the relationship on other levels. It made me feel like I was the only one building for the future and that I always had to rely on myself.

If my daughter was in this situation, I’d advise her to seriously reconsider and find herself someone who will always strive to do their best and to improve. Ultimately for me it was not so much about the difference in income as it was about the difference in effort, responsibility and drive.

He's taking the piss. As an aside, scaffolding is well paid. My friend's DH earns in excess of £70k a year (in the SE) although this includes private work on film sets for example. Why don't you know how much he earns? Surely this is a conversation you should have had before moving in. He's got a very easy ride here and £800 a month is not enough. Where is the rest of it going?

He sounds like a total deadbeat.

I honestly would end this relationship. It's never going to be compatible with your goals.

I know there are a number of variables, and that this is at least as much about effort as income, but.....he's only contributing £800 a month? Does that even cover the nursery costs? Frankly, he's at it and you need to be asking more questions. And then get rid of the useless, freeloading, 33 year old 'boyfriend'. Sounds like you'd be better off without him on a number of levels. What a waste of space.

An experienced scaffolder can make quite a decent amount of money. I wonder if he is being honest with you about his earnings. He needs to cough up more and put some by for times when he is sick, which one must accept he cannot help. He needs to be and stay fairly fit. The guy is still young but won't be able to do scaffolding forever, he surely realises that.

Sit down with him and go through all your outgoings, make him see that his random contributions are insufficient.

After that, how you proceed is up to you. He does sound pretty hopeless and immature, frankly, but a wake up call might motivate him. If not, maybe it is time for the parting of the ways.

I wish you luck.

He needs to pay half of Everything regardless of it being owned by you he would still have to live somewhere else wouldn't he and it's his child I take it. He sounds like his a bit of a freeloader tbh

I can’t see how a self employed scaffolder doesn’t drive. Plus they are always in demand and well paid.

If he is self-employed he should be able to set his own hours and do nursery drop off or pickup.

did he compensate you for your lost income during maternity leave? You say he isn’t paying half of the child expenses now so it’s doubtful he stepped up on that front either.

even with his current financial situation, he is capable of supporting his child and himself.
You are giving him far too much leeway.

One of my best friends’ partner is a scaffolder - he earns over £1000 a week. That £800 is bullshit, he wouldn’t be able to live as a single person in a studio council flat for that, let alone support a family. If he’s genuinely trying to tell you that he’s on less money than someone stacking shelves in Aldi, then he’s a liar.

Scaffolders rake it in, he's having you on.

Also, there's no actual point to him given he adds absolutely zero to your life. You'd be much better off without him.

Don't feel guilty about leaving while he is ill, he seems to be feeling fine about leeching off you for years!

So what does he bring to the table?

Another case for IVF, they'll have robots instead of husbands soon.

Have you actually sat down with him properly and spelt out exactly how much your joint expenses are? Set them out and then ensure that there is a standing order going from him to you each month for half.

If you're not willing to discuss how much you earn, why do you think he should be telling you exactly how much he earns? Perhaps he assumes you earn a lot more than you actually do. If he is genuinely only earning around £800 after CIS deductions, he wouldbe better off ditching the job and becoming a SAHP.

Agree that £800 is not a sufficient contribution. Wouldn't we all want to live in a house with all expenses paid for that much!

He doesn't bring anything to the table and I agree scaffolders normally earn quite a good wage. I suggest an honest conversation on the costs and how they can be met.