Am I wrong for wanting my DH to get a better job to help support me and DD?

[Lovebelle]

It's a long one so apologies in advance...

I own (mortgaged) my home where me and my boyfriend live which I bought it before we met (6 years ago) and before the arrival of our DD (15 months ago).
When we met my boyfriend moved in and it was agreed he would pay minimal rent so if we were to sell and buy somewhere together the profits of where we are currently would be solely mine.
I am the main income and earn considerably more than my boyfriend.
Following the birth of DD I return to work after a year off on maternity leave, Since being on Maternity Leave my boyfriend helped out more with some bills but many months I found myself going into my savings to be able to afford to live.
I have returned to work 4 days a week and contractually dropped 1 day which has meant quite a pay decrease in my salary.
We have DD in nursery 2X days a week, grandparents 2X days a week and then she is with me 1X day a week. So we’re VERY lucky in the fact that we don’t have to pay 5 days of nursery fees.
I buy and have bought everything for DD, Car seats, Carrier, Push chair, clothes, bed, monitors, First Birthday party etc etc
My boyfriend also doesn’t drive and so I do every Nursery/Grand Parents drop off & Pick up. His working hours also means that even if he could drive he wouldn’t be able to help with drop offs.
I’m very much the default parent in the relationship as well as the provider.
I am due to re-mortgage in August and due to the increase of mortgage rates currently I’m looking at paying £500 more PCM and with the cost of nursery it now means that my earnings working 4 days a week will be less than my outgoings.
Our current outgoings are £2000 PCM and on a good month my boyfriend will give me £800 (doesn’t always happen) and from August will be going up to around £2500.

Am I wrong for wanting my boyfriend to get a better job? Something that pays higher (there’s no progression at his current work), hours that can help me out with drop offs/pick ups, his job is very much a ‘young mans’ job and very active which he cannot do forever (scaffolder), paid sick leave and a job that contributes to his pension. (He is 33 and not paid anything into a pension) so that things are a bit more even.
He is also self employed so if ever DD has a day off unwell or a doctors appointment/health check, I will be the one to look after her or take the time off work. Meaning I’m more at risk of being a burden at work with my parental responsibilities and with redundancies looming at work, I’m worried that if I get made redundant we will not be able to afford to live.

I would like for him to contribute more money per month but he doesn’t get paid well, and isn’t very good with money. His payments to me each month are hit and miss and being self employed means that if he has a week of not working he can’t pay me. I want him to realise that he wouldn’t have this option if he was renting off a landlord - that there’s no option to skip a week or months payment. I did think about setting up a joint account, for all of our outgoings, that he transfers his money into but his credit rating isn’t great and I don’t want this to impact me. Is there another option?

To make matters worse, he’s had to have 2 months off work this year due to a knee operation and is due a second operation soon that will require him to have a further 3 months of work. As he is self-employed with no insurance he has had no income whilst he has being off so has not paid me anything and will not be able to help for the 3 months he has off soon. We have of course managed because it’s something that cannot be controlled and his health is important but I can’t help but feel resentful that if he was in a different job that had sick pay or a less physical job that he could go back to sooner post operation then things would be so much easier.

Am I asking too much for him to change careers? He’s not motivated to do better, he’s not the type to have an office job, he finds admin tasks impossible (he would never update his CV or actually apply for jobs) and I don’t know what it would take to actually push him to change jobs. I think he would actually stay where he is forever if I don’t push him in another direction. Him not being independent and doing things for himself infuriates me. Do I just bite the bullet and mother him into finding a new job but I don think he’ll do it unless I give him an ultimatum which will cause resentment because he’s not actually doing it for himself (not that he ever would).

I have been thinking do I go back to work 5 days a week and miss that day with DD which I LOVE and cherish, or do I try and adjust my hours (8am to 5pm) try and do 5 days in 4 by working an added 2 hours each day? Meaning I would be working long hours and have to find alternative arrangements for pick up or drop offs. But I feel like this will make me resent him because I’m having to sacrifice time with my daughter and what I want to do for him to be able to stay at his job with no progression, rubbish pay and not great working hours.

But the bottom line is the current situation is not working or making me happy and so something needs to change.

I find it REALLY difficult to talk about finances with him because I find myself getting angry at how unfair I find things. He doesn’t know exactly how much money I have/earn and I do have some savings but they aren’t there to be used for bills and I don’t think that partners should know exactly how much money each other have. I’m unsure exactly how much he earns but I know it’s a lot less that me. When I do try and discuss my concerns about money I get the same response ‘everything will be fine’. Which it usually is, but only because I dip into my savings to get by. Am I wrong for being mad that he doesn’t feel the financial burden? He’s always had it sweet with not having to pay much, being able to pay when it’s convenient for him and not having the title of provider or default parent. But on the other hand I do want him to be able to save so that he has money to do things with too.* *

I currently don’t feel like there is balance but don’t know if I’m being unfair and what others would do or say in this situation.

Thanks in advance for any feedback or help.

He didn't earn what you would like, he isn't ambitious and is self employed so doesn't get sick pay, I'm not sure you can be angry at him for needing surgery ..
Things is surely you knew all this before moving him in and before having a baby, you can be angry at him by all means, but what did you think was going to happen? He'd do a legally blonde and become a QC?

I'm puzzled by you describing him as your partner and deciding to have a child with him and then say you ' don't think partners should know exactly how much money each other have'. He knows exactly how much you have, enough to pay the mortgage, bills, nursery fees, car and food. Great, thats all he needs to know. Who cares what he earns? You'll cover everything.

Well why date a scaffolder?

Did you not realise they earn less than you?

He is paying £800 which seems like a lot considering he is not entitled to your profits on the house

Expecting Him to start a new career is also a bit much - how would you like it if someone was pressuring you to change careers because they suddenly weren’t happy with your earning potential!

However can I suggest you recommend off shore scaffolding where you do get better pay!

Im not sure how you thought he’d magically transform into a different person all of a sudden?

So I think contributions to the home need to be looked at wider (but including) than just finances. I'm sure there are lots of households where one partner contributes £800 or less. I'm part time and don't contribute that much more. But on balance, I pick up a lot of the domestic, childcare and parenting mental load, manage the finances and life admin and pretty much do most of everything due to my husband's work schedule.

But it sounds like you're doing it all. If he can't earn more, would it be acceptable that he does more at home? If he's not doing either, it would be easier to get rid.

Scaffolders earn really good money!!! Especially self employed! My friends husband is a scaffolder and she works 2 days in admin for ‘pocket money’ as he’s the breadwinner and their able to do trips to Disney Florida, see northern lights etc with their 2 kids, all on his dim.

My own DP works in construction (trade background) but in an office job overseeing sites and the tradesmen earn reaaallly well, including scaffolders!

He’s definitely having you on.

Scaffolders wife here.

Firstly why is he self-employed? Presumably it's not his own business if he can't drive.

Scaffolding is a very, very varied pay scale. If he's on town work for a small business it might not be much over minimum wage but there's definitely opportunities to increase earnings on larger sites etc.

Tradesman’s wife here - expecting your DP to suddenly change careers is pretty unreasonable. I married a tradesman and would never expect him to change for me.

I think you need to seriously question how much income he truly has. My DS was labouring for scaffolders at 15 and was earning £50 a day!

There is no partnership in your relationship at all. Your issue is his lack of motivation and contribution not his career choice. He should be working out how to do the pick ups so you can do full time in four days if needed.

Have you checked you are getting all the support your entitled to, either free hours, UC or even tax free childcare payments.

£800 is definitely not a lot considering she is keeping a roof over his head and food on the table and paying all expenses for the child they share.

But it's £800 a month more than she'd see in child support if she told him to sling his hook.

I'm just astounded that you've tied yourself to this man by having a child with him but you don't think you have a right to know exactly what he's earning. As long as you think like this you'll never know if you're being totally shafted.

A poor scaffolder? Pull the other one! He is having you on.

id dump him.

you called him husband and boyfriend. Are you married or not? If not dont marry him. He will take everything from you.

Our current outgoings are £2000 PCM and on a good month my boyfriend will give me £800 (doesn’t always happen) and from August will be going up to around £2500.
he is costing you money. What is the point of him?

From the scaffolders wives i knowp, that is a very low estimate.

The thing is, he was in this job before kids and they didn't do a great deal of financial planning together.

Do you love him and want to build a life with him? Do you think you might be better suited to someone with a more professional career?

There's no reason that a scaffolder can't earn more eg if they develop their own
Business etc, but doesn't sound like he has that drive. Estate agent? Car salesman?

Cocklodger alarm going off.

If he's a low earner he'd be better being a SAHP and supporting you to work ft.

What does he think about this?

He needs to learn how to drive so that he can help more. Plus he would be able to travel further afield for work. My teenage GC have full licences, it's not impossible.

How can he be a self employed scaffolder and not drive, does he not need a van and to drive to various sites?
I suspect that self employed scaffolder is a euphemism for 'works cash on hand for a mate with a scaffolding business'.

But if he drove, he would have to equally parent

How does he carry out his job without driving.bid have thought it would be essential to the role!

I’m surprised that he’s earning so little as a scaffolder. The ones I know are very well paid and often work fairly short days.

My husband used to be a builder so I have met many scaffolders in my time. But I've never met a poor one! They usually earn plenty, so I would be looking at what he is spending it on. Back in the day (90s) many scaffolders I knew had massive coke habits. Or maybe he is just a crap scaffolder, I've also never heard of one that couldn't drive.

I think you should have a proper discussion about both your earnings. If Ive got this right you pay £1200 per month and he pays £800 per month towards joint costs. Is this proportionate to earnings? If the house/ mortgage are in your sole name, you don’t want him paying towards the mortgage anyway. It is a strange set up to have a child with someone and keep the house in your name alone though. Your dp has zero security. If the roles were reversed and your dp was the woman, the advice would be to marry asap. Rather than being self employed, can he not secure a role working for a company. That way his earnings would be stable and you wouldn’t have months where you have to fund everything.

I have a friend who is the main earner by far. Decent 3 figure salary. Her husband over the years has either not worked or done casual jobs. BUT he has taken the load at home. Childcare, now school runs, driving kids to sports, housework etc. And that has allowed friend to excel in her career. That situation works well but it involves both parties sharing the load.

Tbh if he is in fulltime work he should be able to contribute more then 800 anyway. When you have responsibilites you make it work, budget, change jobs ect..

Initially my partner started on minimum wage and still contributed 1200..hes worked up now..
He didn't drive when we first met, so he learned to drive..

Same for me, i changed to a career that would enable and benefit the household, i also learned to drive..

We put lessons on credit card and paid it off monthly with overtime.

I know many wont have support to do this..but he does..he has more then we had with you..

He sounds more of a burden at the moment to you.

You need to sit down and spell out to him that there's not enough money to go round. That you need his contribution to be regularly and reliable and that you can't afford to be subbing him and paying for all the DD expenses.
He can get another job that would pay sick leave eg Warehouse at Tesco or something which maybe would suit him. He's 33 not 18 and if he's scaffolding and it's impacting his knees to this extent it may not be the career for him. He needs to look at options. He also needs to sign on for benefits when he is not working.

You need to spell it out very clearly. This isn't going to work

This^^

You have 2 children, one of which is a grown manchild. Scaffolding pays well. How does he get away with being “bad with money”? He has a child and doesn’t get to do that anymore.